The Urban Dictionary- which should be your source for absolutely nothing other than trying to decipher your children’s texts, IM chats, Facebook messages or delightful lingo- has defined Cougar as: an older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man. The cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie or MILF (a charming acronym for a sexually appealing mother).
Hmmm- does that mean any woman who dates a younger man is now called a Cougar? Yes. So, there has been established a label now for women- for the same thing men have been doing acceptably for hundreds of years. If you are a woman who has always dated men five or more years younger- you are now slapped by society with a negative label. Doesn't seem fair or accurate.
Why are not men who insist on dating or marrying women 10 to 20 years younger called … Great Whites? One of the most dangerous and predatory sharks, which preys on, well, anything alive. Honestly, when a man dates a much younger woman- he is lauded by his peers and the woman is considered to have “Daddy issues” or a "trophy wife." Why in this scenario is the woman the one with issues? Why don’t we assume the older dude is a closet pedophile? Don’t get me wrong- in a society convinced younger is better- it is no surprise there are so many older men in relationships with much younger women.
Men are allowed to age and even considered more handsome as they get older- where women are sent on an endless pursuit of youth through cosmetics and surgery. Why aren’t there TV shows about 50-year-old men competing for the affections of 20 year olds? Perhaps because it's gross.
Speaking of Hollywood- why are they selling the Cougar concept and why is the public buying it? Do we so enjoy women derogated? As defined above- the concept of an older woman dating a younger man has now turned into a woman preying on younger men. Why does there have to be a term? A show? Why do women who date or pursue men who are younger have to wear a label? Should they leave the house with a scarlet “C” on their chest? Should young men be “warned”? Certainly not. I don't know a man who has dated or had sex with an older woman who feels preyed upon or victimized in any way- vastly different than a small animal would feel being preyed upon by a Cougar.
Notice even with MILF the label goes to the woman. Not the man. Why isn’t there a “name” for younger men who pursue and are attracted only to older women? What about IMISOV (immature male in sexual overdrive)? OR, PAMWMI (post adolescent male with mommy issues)? Oh, wait- EAMWOC (emotionally arrested male with Oedipal Complex)? How come the woman gets the label?
What’s next- the “Grave Digger”? Women who date or pursue men 30 years older, so they can profit from them upon their death? It would seem so much of TV portrays women in a negative light. "Joe Millionaire," "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette," "Cougartown," "Desperate Housewives," "Gossip Girls," the new "90210" and "Melrose Place." Why do we like to see women who are catty and hateful, dramatic, histrionic, likely insane, sociopathic and or psychopathic?
Don’t misunderstand- this is not me climbing up on a feminist soap box (the original articulation of feminism, by the way, was simply- equal rights, equal pay). I am the last person to go to bat for anyone (except someone being bullied or children and then look out- you might want to make sure you are on the right end of my weapon)- why? Because I am not a fan of groups or labels.
I believe if people spent more time articulating themselves instead of trying to fit into a prescribed role created by society- we might all be more emotionally literate and productive. Why are we so invested in aligning ourselves with others? I’m a democrat, I’m a social-liberal and a financial conservative, I’m Catholic, I’m a feminist, I’m a cancer survivor. I’m a widower. What is the point of all that? Providing someone with an overview of how well you fit in with another group instead of sharing who you are underneath the label?
What really does being a divorcee or Catholic have to do with the fact you are a successful entrepreneur, decided not to have children due to a major genetic issue in your lineage, you love to target shoot, enjoy playing piano, are a huge fan of video games and spend your weekends in cooking classes for fun?
Don’t use labels and don’t accept them either. When writing fiction, you are asked not to use dialogue tags-
“I hate you!” She said in a hateful tone. The statement is supposed to stand alone- you should not need to indicate how someone said something. If you, as a writer, have built the “scene” properly, there should be no reason for you to need the description of how it was said.
I feel the same is necessary in life. If you are a kind and loving, giving and generous person who honestly puts others needs before your wants, you needn’t run around telling everyone you are Christian. If you are looking to meet people and get to know them- announcing out of the gate you are a Republican, isn’t the best idea- unless following the articulation of being a Republican is what defines you and you have no other personality traits or interest other than pursuing your identity as a Republican. In that case, you might not get along with ANYONE- let alone a fellow Republican or even a Libertarian.
The point is- stop hiding behind labels to define who you are. I’m an anti-abortionist- what does that mean? Is that WHO you are? Are you no one other than that? Does it rule your life? No. Just be you. Allow yourself to be known beyond the labels. There is likely soooo much there worthy of knowing.
OK- I am radio silent tomorrow and Christmas day. I know none of you are shopping tomorrow because you are all so Clever, you got the gifts taken care of early and will be relaxing with friends and family with a favorite cocktail. On Saturday- have a LOVELY holiday.
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