Be Married Like You are Dating

I had a friend tell me the other day- “If I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t have married someone stupid.” I gave over to paroxysms of laughter until I realized he was totally serious. I apologized- said it sounded a little- harsh. He went on to tell me the decision to marry came at an age when he didn’t realize the role of intellectual compatibility would be so critical. They were young, having fun, she was pretty, she wanted children, came from a nice family- all of the ingredients were in place. Until he realized what ingredients he needed to sustain a lifelong marriage.

As it turned out- and this is just his opinion- she isn’t fun anymore (she's a mom- never wants to do anything without the kids), she resents how much he works (though she covets their lifestyle), hates the fact she raised three kids alone (she didn’t really support his efforts building the lifestyle to which she has become addicted and has never worked a single day in her life), they don’t know each other, have no shared experiences in life other than their family. He has been in the workplace for three decades and she has been at home. They grew apart 20 years ago and have been married “for the kids.”

Exposing the children to an emotionally barren marriage is more damaging than divorce. Children have to see love. They have to witness affection- it’s not enough to dote on them separately. They need to view the marriage as the solid foundation of a family- so they can build one themselves someday. It is my theory (while not advocating marriage or divorce) that children thrive in a loving home- whether that's the home of Dad and his third wife who adores his children and they spend every single moment together as a unit or whether it's a biological family. You need love. You need to give it, receive it and share it- openly and freely.

As a result of our conversation, I woke up thinking about Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. They have refused to give in to societal expectations they should wed. I recall an article featuring Kurt I read more than a decade ago in which he talked about the beauty of a completely elective relationship. They are together because they WANT to be. Not because they are bound by law- not because they VOWED to be, not because their family members and friends have placed an expectation on them- but because they wake each day and CHOOSE to be together.

Now, it is my theory they re-evaluate the relationship often. Perhaps they didn’t grow apart because they continuously invest in one another and the relationship. Marriage can cause you to take one another for granted. So- when I woke this morning- I saw Goldie’s gorgeous smile radiating at Kurt and knew in my heart if they were bound by law- that smile might have faded over the years. The relationship might have become a product of habit instead of what they both likely consider a privilege.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if love was enough? Being in love could be enough of a commitment? Serving one another because you love them? Loving wholly and honestly because you WANT to? Having to earn that person’s love daily by being kind, compassionate, interested, engaged, authentic, willing, desirable, staying healthy, looking your best, staying in shape, providing for one another?

What if we actually cast off the “obligation” of marriage and had to worry the other person might find someone more attractive or interesting or a better fit? Would we try harder? Would be take more care? Would we devote more time? We would. Especially if we desired the relationship. Fights would not be so volatile- because we’d have to worry the other person might not come back when they stormed out of the house. We might actually be gentler, less condescending and cruel. If we knew our harsh treatment might result in loss- immediate and final- my gosh, imagine how the landscape would change …

Goldie and Kurt keep doing this every single day and have for decades. So, I was thinking, as we head into a new year, what about rearticulating marriage. Live it like you were dating in the respect you are married because you want to be. Serve the person you are with. Make them feel loved daily. Prove your affection- and earn theirs. Think about the aspects of the marriage where you feel you have failed and look deep inside for ways to restore, repair and renew. If you are feeling your marriage is dying- give it one last chance.

You have taken your wife for granted- woken up each day, rolled out of bed, showered and left for work without so much as an acknowledgment. “She doesn’t like to chat in the morning.” How about instead you slip out of bed and make some coffee- bring her a robe and ask her to talk to you while you shower so you can find out what her day is like- maybe you can meet for lunch.

Maybe you have forgotten to tell your husband how much you appreciate the fact you have not had to work for 10 years and been able to stay home with the kids until they all were in school. You’ve treated him with resentment for being “gone” so much and not as involved as you’d like. He has been simmering with resentment as well because you alternately castigate him for working too much and wanting more for your children and yourself. Maybe get a sitter, send him a sexy text asking him to meet you for drinks. Discuss your plans for the coming year- maybe you’d like to go back to work or are thinking of starting a business and would like his opinion.

Have you let yourself fall completely out of shape? This isn’t fair to anyone. Being unhealthy could lead to premature death- what better way to say- “I don’t care if I live or die.” Hit the gym, invest in your appearance- your spouse deserves it. Let the other person know you want them to find you desirable and not just for who you are (because of course you are endlessly Clever and appealing). Maintaining our fitness is an obligation to ourselves and our spouses. I am not saying it’s easy to get back in shape after children or to get in shape ever- but it can and should be done. Being lazy and out of shape is a message to your spouse and it says this- “You are stuck with me- we are married and you are bound by law to love me and not cheat on me just because you want to have sex with someone who is hot.” Hmmm. Taking a lot for granted.

Have you let your children come between you? Hiding behind them to avoid dealing with problems lurking in your marriage? Did you realize after you were married you have entirely different parenting philosophies and it has become a raging battle in your home nearly destroying your marriage and family with it? Sit down with your spouse and determine if the marriage is important enough to come to terms with your parenting opposition.

We are different when we are dating. Try dating your spouse for a while. See what happens.

OK, Clever Tribe- the first game starts at 10 a.m. I believe, and a hangover is almost a certainty, so I want to make it easy on you by suggesting you prepare things in advance- food which will be nourishing while nursing that queasy stomach and aching head.

Breakfast Tacos

1 lb. ground beef (I use 90/10)

This is optional- one entire package of hot Italian sausage- Jimmy Dean or the like is fine

Simply Potatoes hash browns (they have a few varieties and shapes of breakfast potatoes so pick the one you prefer- another option is to use canned, diced, new potatoes- but these are not as fresh)

Eggs to taste- I say this because I prefer fake eggs and less egg than meat

Your favorite salsa

Your favorite tortillas (I prefer whole wheat made at Centeral Market- yum)

Salt

Pepper

Garlic powder

Ground cumin

Sour cream

Mixed, grated cheese

Sliced jalapenos

I use Pam in the bottom of a large saute pan (but cooking oil can be used for a crispy hash brown). Brown the hash browns, add the beef and or sausage or both.

Some people prefer crispy hash browns- if this is the case, brown your hash browns to crispy and then set them aside to mix in at the last moment.

Brown the meat- to it add salt, pepper and garlic- and a fair amount of cumin. I go heavy on the salt and the cumin- but all seasonings should be to taste.

Add the eggs and mix until the eggs are thoroughly cooked.

Warm the tortillas and place in a tortilla warmer or on a towel in between two plates. Put the meat, egg and potato mixture in a large bowl.

The salsa, sour cream, cheese and jalapenos are accompaniments. YUMMM. This is the perfect brunch meal for game day.

Make the taco pie from previous posts- Texas caviar and the cottage cheese dip and you have yourself a PARTY. Don’t forget the mimosas from yesterday’s post and BEER. Lots and lots of BEER. Yum.

I'll get back to it on Saturday to offer post game commentary and future match up commentary- most likely will consult Erin Hogan from ESPN Austin as he is my GO TO sports guy. Check the out of facebook- The Horn. The guys at The Horn are So Very Clever. Chip, Sean, Geoff, Chad, Erin, Dan ...