You are not alone if you are researching alcohol and drug interactions or wondering what will dull the tension, discomfort and guilt this holiday season, unlike any other, generates. We have a couple of weeks to get in touch with the circumstances that give rise to the desire to self-medicate. I touched on guilt yesterday, but I left out something important.
Guilt is a weapon. Do not let it be your weapon. Do not guilt others into doing what you want them to do. Why? It’s wrong. Do you really want your boyfriend watching "It’s A Wonderful Life" with your nephews on Christmas day when you know he really wants to be with his brother’s family? Think about the situation- as a paren. Let me speak it in case your don’t understand the reality of what your guilt trip has created. YOUR CHILDREN ARE AT YOUR HOUSE BECAUSE THEY FEEL GUILTY- NOT BECAUSE THEY WANT TO BE THERE. Did that feel like Chuck Norris just gave you are roundhouse to the solar plexus? It should have. Shame on you for employing guilt to get what YOU want. How about create a more loving and nurturing environment so EVERYONE is fighting over bedrooms in your home as they run screaming from the OTHER family dynamics that make them want to break into a pharmacy just to get some Xanax.
Now, on to validation. I suggested it can be an antidote for guilt. Now I’d like to suggest the role it can play in decreasing tension and discomfort during all of the family get-togethers you are dreading weeks in advance. Cloak yourself in the warmth of validation. Seek out those people in your life who bolster you, hold you in high esteem (plan a meeting with a client who thinks your contribution to their business was sufficient to change the face of his career), admire your approach to relationships, and find you funny, charming, witty, intelligent- what ever you value in yourself.
It is our nature to interact with those who hold a mirror. I value my intelligence over all- so I try to surround myself with people not as smart as I (TOTALLY KIDDING). I try to create relationships with people who value intelligence in others. It wouldn’t make sense for us to interact willingly with people who do not believe in who we are. If your humor is something you rely on (defense mechanism- kidding again), you probably gravitate toward those who appreciate your sense of humor. If your professional accomplishments are a huge part of your identity, you likely spend time with those who acknowledge you in that arena. It is human nature.
So, you theoretically have two weeks to front-load on validation. Do not be selfish- this is an exercise. Fill your tank- know yourself, feel good enough about yourself you don’t NEED your parents or anyone else to validate you. If it has been long established your parents disapprove of your chosen career- spend time with those in your business community who do value you and the trade so when you get home, you can table that “rejection” and focus on validating everyone else.
We have the power to validate ourselves- to create our OWN version of who we are- to like who we have become and to offer thanks to the life experiences that shaped us. The family is where we learned to experience emotion- it is why they are so intense- but you can, if you want to put forth the effort- change the way your respond to the relational dynamics.
You KNOW when you arrive at your parents' house you will immediately feel invisible- after all, your oldest brother is funnier and smarter, your younger sister is exceedingly attractive and charming- your parents love them both more- right? Probably not- but your feelings are the product of habit and deeply rooted in your familial dynamic. It might simply be your older brother’s sun shined brightest while you were at your most awkward and unaccomplished. Your younger sister was at her most adorable (prior to her most awkward years) and attention was being lavished on her not only by your parents but every, single person on earth during your ugliest and most self-conscious time. So, you internalized all of these feelings. It is as if your mind doesn’t realize you have grown up and moved on to accomplish a great many things academically, relationally and professionally. The minute you walk into that house, you are 13 and a victim of the emotions that have ruled you your whole life.
NO ONE in your family has shared experiences- why? You are each individual people- your oldest sibling has no idea what it’s like to be the youngest, or the only girl has no idea what it was like to be one of five boys, or your father to be one of six because he was an only child- or your mother to have given up her dreams of being an anthropologist to raise you all. So, before we judge others for their feelings this holiday season- and before we are impatient with the “same old complaints” from others- walk in with your tank full, committed to offering your family members the validation they so desperately seek. If you know your oldest sister cries after her third glass of wine because she was the “forgotten” child once you were born- spend your time investing in her that day. Fill her tank. After all, you were proactive and filled your own.
You canNOT tolerate your brother who goes out of his way to minimize your professional accomplishments. So you dropped out of med school and now own your own whitewater rafting company in Seattle. It’s small, but you LOVE what you do. Spend time with your staff- take them to lunch. Spend time with clients- host a small dinner for them to let them know you appreciate them. I guarantee just the act of showing appreciation will begin to create a ballast. All day, while your brother is spewing his resume, just imagine how empty he must be that he needs to do so. Those who speak loudly and often of themselves are the ones who are the least validated. Instead, walk in and inquire directly- validate him- maybe just this small acknowledgement will shut him up (not your GOAL- but an undeniable benefit of recognizing someone).
Think now about the relational dynamics this season, which will create the most tension and irritation- write them down if it helps. Now, examine what you think might be missing for those people and think of ways you can fortify them. If you know most of the people in your family don’t like your sister-in-law because she sits like a potted plant by herself- engage her. Invite her to cook or to help or get to know her a bit. Likely she is overwhelmed by your CRAZY family and wondering why she married into it in the first place. Oh, that’s right- she hadn’t met all of you charming and wonderful people prior to accepting your brother’s proposal. Be Nice. Be Gracious. Welcome Others. It is really difficult to be a guest- especially during the holidays- so go out of your way to make people feel valued and appreciated.
OK- enough of all of this warm and fuzzy stuff. I need to finish up the basketball penalties so we can move onto HOCKEY. I can’t WAIT. Have I got some great photos for you girls- and guys.
Since thousands of couples will be getting engaged in the next month- I am continuing the wedding planning season, so said couples can be So Very Clever from the start.
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