As we enter the holiday season, there are a number of pitfalls we need to navigate. Among the greatest challenge during this over-scheduled month is managing guilt. It seems to be the most vivid between Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, which means one solid month of being harangued, even if it is by yourself.
How can we keep ourselves from succumbing to such pressures? I think the biggest mistake we make is having hope. HOPE it will be different this year. Well, it isn’t. So, it is time to be So Very Clever and instead of hoping for change- pursue change.
I have an idea and it might be a bit simplistic. Validation is an antidote for guilt (legitimate or false). Spend some time proving (or disproving) the situations or people who make you feel guilty. Now, it does require some time, space, effort and objectivity- but can you imagine a holiday season with LESS GUILT? What a gift it would be.
Let me give you an example of legitimate guilt. In my adult life (beyond college), I would enter the holiday season feeling guilt regarding the relationship I have with my sister-in-law. In order to avoid those feelings of guilt or discomfort, I ignored her- knowing she didn’t like me anyway. By ignoring or running away from my guilt, I was simply perpetuating it- so I sat down with myself and thought about where the feelings were coming from. My goal was to either prove or disprove my guilt.
Turns out, I had legitimate reason to feel guilty. I had treated her poorly since the day I’d met her. Further thought revealed my treatment of her was deeply rooted in jealousy. Once I had identified I was indeed at fault and the fact she didn’t like me was my own fault- I set about rectifying the relationship- after all, I didn’t dislike her- I WAS ENVIOUS of her.
So, I put effort into getting to know her. She is resistant to me, which is exactly what I deserve- but I no longer feel guilty. I validated my guilt and focused on repairing the relationship. Having gotten to know her during the last two decades, I realize she is worthy of admiration and not envy or jealousy. She continues to prove her genuineness in our family and I regret (though no longer feel guilty) the time I lost being petty. Now as much as I abhor revealing my less Clever moments- as we’ve discussed before- being Clever requires effort and I will ask that all members of the Clever Tribe spend some time with validation before leaping into a highly charged emotional season.
False guilt is an entirely different situation. Single, newly married or even long-married couples with or without children are overwhelmed with meeting everyone’s needs. How to fit every one in over the holidays is a source of great angst. So, you know your mother is going to be furious you’re spending Christmas Day with your wife’s family this year- even though you were with your own family the year before. Add a divorce on the part of your parents to the equation and the guilt factor escalates exponentially. Now your mother is jacked because you are spending Christmas Eve with your father and his new wife (bimbo) and Christmas Day with your wife’s family (you married down)- why does she not matter to you? How did this happen? Why do you hate her?
Here’s a thought. Call your mother (or whomever is the reigning pain in the ass) today and tell them how frustrated you are the holidays are so hectic- it seems no one’s needs are met. You really want to devote more time to her (him)- would it be possible for you to visit this weekend for two days instead of having to duck out early to fit in someone else? I know you are busy- but reducing or eliminating guilt requires effort. Attempting to avoid or outrun it creates more problems. I know in this instance being Clever seems a bit like manipulation- but one of the definitions of Clever is artful and cunning. So- if the President of Guilt smirks through the holiday season because you spent a weekend with them and offered everyone only a few hours here and there- so be it! Likely, the other members of the various families are not so labor intensive- Win Win.
Manage your expectations and know going into all of this- nothing you do or say will mitigate the attempted guilt trip. This is what I recognize as false guilt, in that you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. So, recognize it for what it is- and make a choice as to whether you are going to allow it to define your holiday season or NOT.
No matter how much time you spend and when, someone will always feel slighted- so spend some time validating everyone (and especially THAT person) prior to the holidays and they might feel less offended going in. Call your mom- send her an unexpected letter or gift. Ask your sister for dinner with the family. See if your mother-in-law might help you prepare some holiday meals in advance. Give the gift of time and validation before the holiday season and you might find everyone less jacked out of shape going in. Translation- YOU feel less guilt. YOU enjoy the holiday season. YOU begin the process of validating or disproving guilt. After all, isn’t the New Year defined by resolution? How about the resolution of GUILT- once and for all.
Tomorrow, I’d like to talk about how validating yourself will mitigate the discomfort we feel during this season. Give the gift of validation to yourself and you will find it so much easier to give it to others.
Colt for Heisman- not buying the Ingram hype. We are so close to RESOLUTION on this matter- I will feel so much better when we KNOW definitively Colt’s body of work has been acknowledged. It just doesn’t seem right to allow such a coveted award to represent a single season. Don’t consider Gerhart for a moment- even though I know Harbaugh is hoping this will in some way make up for being overlooked in favor of Testaverde.
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