Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Pentalies for Game Day Violations can be Stiff

OK, Clever Tribe- it is clear my weekend did not go exactly as planned. However, the two games in which I was most emotionally invested turned out EXACTLY as HOPED. Now, University of Texas is battling a new offensive strategy and normally that takes years (reference University of Michigan) to adapt, but UT fans aren't as patient. So, G2 (UT quarterback- Clever Girls, having Clever nicknames for your favorite players shows your intimate knowledge and interest) had to take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and make it work. Now, the goal here was to play under center. That means instead of utilizing the shotgun (the center pitches the ball backward to the quarterback) position, the quarterback takes a hand off directly from the center.

What are the implications of this difference? Great question. The shotgun position is a fantastic way to mobilize an experienced quarterback- it gives them time to evaluate the field and execute plays. Now, a Clever QB can play this in the form of a scramble, gaining yardage if nothing opens up down field, or with a quick or long pass.

This position, for years with dynamic quarterbacks at the helm (Vince Young, Colt McCoy) has given UT a reputation for an explosive offense and the tendency to hang nearly a half a hundred on every opponent. Now, we are looking at a different strategy and it will be interesting to see how G2 capitalizes on it. The under center approach really asks the QB to be a ball handler- he will pass it off and look to his running back or receivers to execute plays.

How will this work? Well, so far, fans are happy with the Vs in the win column but missing that fiery offense.

Fast forward to University of Michigan. I'm not saying suddenly Rich Rodriguez figured out a way to implement his offensive strategy- I am saying perhaps RichRod opened his eyes and realized he had a record-setting track star on his team and scratched his head wondering how that would translate to football. As an armchair quarterback myself- I am thinking- "WTF took you so long?" He's not very bright.

So now we have a dynamic, record-setting, explosive QB- first time in a long line of UM cautious (read ineffective, boring, poorly led) "leaders." Sports Illustrated has named Denard Robinson their number one pick for Heisman. He's obviously MY number one pick- damn he is exciting to watch. I don't remember a UM quarterback with his FIRE. How exciting this is.

One of the only aspects of football we have not covered are penalties. I want to explain a few you’re going to hear while watching any game, and then, with the help of a VERY Clever Guy named William Haeck, I have devised some practical definitions as they apply to girls that could learn a few things about being Clever.

The first rule of being gameday Clever is not asserting. If you don’t know for CERTAIN (and usually it is tough to tell)- zip it. Let the guys battle it out and just listen. If you MUST throw your new or amassed knowledge around, pick the most common opinion and agree.


Offside- A player is offside when any part of his body is beyond his scrimmage or free kick line when the ball is snapped or kicked.

Ladies- You are offside if you are reaching for ANYTHING that puts you in front of the television when the ball is snapped or put into play or is in play at all.


Encroachment- When a player enters the neutral zone (the space the ball takes up between the two scrimmage lines) and makes contact with an opponent before the ball is snapped.

Ladies- Any attempt to distract a man from the game- and this includes lingerie or partial nudity- is considered encroachment. Ladies, be prepared because this penalty can be declined- and you might find yourself being encroached upon.


Neutral zone infraction- The space the length of a ball between the two scrimmage lines. The offense and defense must remain behind their end of the ball.

Ladies- The neutral zone is the space between you and the other dudes watching the game. While it is an honor to be invited, critical you are your normal Clever and charming self, make sure you maintain the neutral zone, as you don’t want to be "misunderstood" and considered a party favor.


Delay of game- This refers to any action causing the game to be delayed. It is often intentional to interrupt the opposing team’s momentum.

Ladies- This is transparent. All things such as the Honey-Do list and errands can cause a delay of game. Brunch with the family and church often interfere with the early game. Manage your expectations on game day. I know what you are thinking- What about TiVo? It’s not the same- especially if he is supposed to host game day, make it to a tailgate party or meet the guys to watch. He will be harangued endlessly for being late and do you want him to blame it on you for being a "nag"? Do you know what a nag is? A term referring to a broken down horse. Now, honestly. Clever Girls do not nag- they just refuse to share their lives with men who "need" to be nagged. Clever Guys don’t "need" to be nagged. They manage their time-and-space continuum.


Face mask- Incidental or otherwise, the facemask is not to be grasped and can cause serious injury. It will result in a penalty every time it is witnessed.

Ladies- If a dude is wearing a helmet to watch the game- you have every right to tease him. Still, do not touch it.


Unsportsmanlike conduct- Any behavior determined by the referee to be unsportsmanlike conduct.

Ladies- The list is long and depends on how patient your guy is with your talking during the game (especially about unrelated topics), complaining and- I really hope this doesn’t happen- being late with the delivery of the requisite kick-off beverage. Totally not Clever. If you don’t want to watch- make yourself useful for goodness sake. Fetch drinks, replenish snacks, go get wings from Hooters and, if you are really bold, get a Hooters Girl uniform to do so in. Ha! Totally sportsmanlike.


False Start- Movement by either the offense or defense prior to the snap and after they are in position. This can affect the play and will result in a penalty, usually of five yards.

Ladies- Pay attention. Imagine this: they guys are poised, the ball has been kicked off and it’s looking good for an opening run back for a touch down. The returner catches the ball and is in motion. Suddenly, an alert from TiVo or your DVR comes up saying you have previously set the recorder to change when "Dying Young" begins. A melee will commence, during with several people scramble for the remote at the same time. The return will be missed and while there is a replay, it’s not the same. You will likely get a Game Misconduct penalty for this and might be kicked out. Plan on watching "Dying Young" in another room and maybe every Saturday for the rest of the season.

OK- this is enough torture for one day. You know I am just trying to help- Clever Girls do not get offended. Make me proud today and DON’T make me create Clever Girl Flags for Guys. He will have them at the ready and throw them down when you are in violation of any of the above and many other rules. The penalties could be stiff. On second thought, looks like I have some work to do.

I'm "all hockey, all day" again today. What a "crappy" job I have on the side- photographing the Dallas Stars for their calendar. The Stars organization is highly philanthropic- so involved in the community and with local charities. They use their calendar to generate revenue to donate to the Dallas Stars Foundation. I'm so honored to be able to help.

A huge thank you to Hima Pandya, Anita Haar, Toni & Guy, Lara Farris and her staff, all the Dallas Stars, the staff from Sebastian's Closet, Glen Agritelley and Michaela.

Go Stars (and Wings).

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