Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Why Didn't He Call? He's Not Interested.

I received an email from a reader who asked about physical interaction on dates. How much is too much and when is too soon?

Once again this goes back to common sense. Yet, in over hearing women and men speak about their dates … it would seem common sense doesn’t exist anymore.

What needs to be a central component of a date is authenticity. Now, I am sure some of you are thinking- what is so authentic about “pretending” to like cars or football? Nothing, and thank you for bringing that up. The Clever Girl articulation is to explore the male realm in order to intersect with some aspects you ARE interested in. Trying and failing, trying and abhorring, trying and liking can all lead to charming conversation and can deepen interactions on a date.

Let’s say you, under my advice, go to a scotch tasting. I am not assuming you will fall in love with the gorgeous amber liquid some find the pinnacle of imbibing- but it will be a new experience. You will, like it or not, learn something. Clever Girls listen and convert information into meaningful conversations. Let’s say you determined you abhor scotch and actually puked it up once- delicately and under the radar, of course. You still learned the difference between a blended scotch and a single malt and whether you liked it or not and have a funny story to share with your male companion (father, brother or boss)

Ok- to get back to my original point- let’s say two people meet for a drink as part of a fix up. This leads to dinner and a nightcap. It is clear neither of them want to be anywhere else than where they are now. The evening is ending with him- a dashing gentleman walking her to her car. To address my reader’s question, this is where it gets sticky.

I personally would conclude this encounter on a high, sober and exciting note. There is no reason to kiss- after all, they barely know one another- just because he bought dinner and drinks (if he did), she does not OWE him physical contact at all. A Clever Girl never feels OBLIGATED to compensate a man with her body- she always offers to pay her fair share, or, when he is in the bathroom, pays the bill for the drinks or dinner.

This is a good opportunity to give him your number, or, if you’re not comfortable, tell him to “friend request” you on facebook (if you are not on facebook- get on facebook. If he is not on facebook- he will get on facebook if he’s interested).

A more traditional girl would await contact from him- but if you are bold, there is nothing stopping you from sending him a message (whatever medium has been established) thanking him for his time, the witty conversation, oh and dinner. Do not ask him to call. If he doesn’t walk through this open door by returning the correspondence- consider it a shut door and appreciate the opportunity to have practiced your new conversational skills. There is no truer indication of a man’s interest than his making contact.

Now, what if there is a palpable attraction and you want to kiss him at the end of the evening. Go for it! A Clever Girl makes sober and educated decisions. I personally would not let it go any further than a really intriguing kiss, but each woman must make that choice for herself. A great kiss can be followed up with, “I really look forward to doing that again when I see you next”. This lets him know you’d like to, but that you have reached your comfort level on the physical.

You only have to answer to yourself when it comes to how much of yourself you share on a first date, a second, or an eighth. This is where common sense comes in. Move at your own pace. Be true to yourself. Don’t play games. If you want to have sex with a man on the first date- just know he will be left with the assumption you do that on every first date. You might get a subsequent date, but chances are, without a deeper connection, this interaction will have been arrested.

Begin with an end in mind, if that makes sense to you. If you are interested in a casual fling- indulge, but do so without expectations. If you are looking for a one night stand- now would be a great time to get to it. If you can see yourself on several dates with this person- save some for later. At the end of the date- it comes down to self-respect. You are not commerce. You are never obligated to share more of your body than you are comfortable with. If you do tap the brakes and don’t hear from him again, it’s a pretty good indication of his intentions. If you dive in bed with him, and don’t hear from him again, another good indication of his intentions.

Move through the physical aspect of dating at your own pace. If he’s interested, he will make contact with you. It’s really that easy. I can not stress this enough- if he is not interested, he will NOT make contact. The “I lost your email address” or “couldn’t remember your last name” routine is stale. If he really wants to see you again, he will find you. How do I know? He will have to have remembered SOMETHING you said on your date, especially if you were Clever.

If you MUST contact him after a few days- do so with an innocuous message- “thank you so much for meeting me- it was a pleasure”. Do NOT ask him to call, do not contact him again. It gives me a rash when I hear women RASHionalize why the guy hasn’t called. “Oh, he’s out of the country” or “he’s really busy at work”- believe you me- if he is piqued, interested, or even stirred by you- he will respond.

10 comments:

  1. This is fabulous advice! I am sending this to some of my girlfriends that wait by the phone for it to ring, hang on every word the guy says and just simply try too hard. If he isn't interested, you just gotta move on. If you are both interested, then Clever girl you nailed it on the head...take it at your own pace...whatever you are looking for in the end, make decisions based on that.

    Love these posts!!!!

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  2. Dear Clever Girl.....I enjoyed this installment very much. As a single man trudging through the seemingly endless first date cycle, I have to say that your advice is right on. If I am interested in a woman, and she has made an impression on the first date, I am going to contact her any way that she makes herself available to me, especially if she ends the night on an encouraging note that lends to the possibility of another date. If she ends with a kiss or not, as long as I feel that she is interested in getting to that point in the future. If she goes too far on that first date, I will view the encounter as a hook-up, and probably not much more. There is much to be said for building the anticipation for a while, and that works both ways. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with a good hook-up from time to time, but something more meaningful should be taken at a comfortable pace....there is no hurry. I hope your advice reaches the right audience.

    TT

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  3. Clever Girl,

    Okay, I went on a first date with this very interesting guy this past weekend. We had a great time and seemed to hit it off all evening. At the end of the night he walked me to my car and it got a little awkward. I wanted him to kiss me, and he seemed to want to, but he didn't make the move. I gave him my number when he asked for it, and I told him I really enjoyed his company. I have a question, is it okay to make the first move and kiss him goodnight if he doesn't? He has called by the way, so he must be interested. Thank you Clever Girl.

    WL

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  4. Natalie-

    Thank you for passing this on. It's a matter of self respect. You have only to answer to yourself at the end of the date and at the end of the day.

    Thanks for reading and for finding value here-

    x

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  5. WL-

    Of course it's OK- but I personally would say one of two things- "may i kiss you good night?" or "you can kiss me if you like". Neither of these are too forward. This does put him on the spot- so if he does kiss you, you are not assured he would have or that he was anxious to.
    I like to allow a man to initiate. It is in keeping with my old fashioned traditions. However, if it is obvious he is looking for a sign, use your mouth to speak. I wouldn't lean in or anything. What was that part on a movie when the girl misinterpreted the gesture and he was leaning for his jacket- arrrggg!
    Believe me- if he weren't interested- he would not call. Now you get to anticipate the first kiss- what fun. Nothing better than the first kiss.
    Let me know how it goes and ENJOY-
    Oh, and read TT's comment above if you want a male confirmation.
    x

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  6. TT-

    Thank you for your input- very sage advice indeed. I love a man who is willing to apply some C4 to obstacles and connect with a woman in whom he is interested.
    It sounds as if any woman would know where she stood with you and the value of that can not be under estimated. If you are intrigued- kiss or no kiss, you will contact.
    Frankly, a man who waits for a woman to initiate contact seems like a bit of a player to me- wants to be chased. It would seem he likes being chased and won't get tired of it. A girl might end up chasing her tail and his.
    x
    Don't wait by the phone, don't check your email, twitter, facebook every five minutes- he isn't going to move on if you don't respond in five seconds- right TT?

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  7. What do you get when you mix Dear Abby and Miss Manners??? CLEVER GIRL! Modern day helpful advice and wisdom from Queen of the Clevers! Keep them coming...love ya!
    Jen

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  8. Jen-

    Why thank you and you have inspired tomorrow's post so please log on.
    I'm a little less delicate than they are- but I try to maintain some level of decorum.

    x

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  9. Readers, please remember this is not all about women here. There are Clever Guys out there as well! We sometimes get mixed signals from the woman and may feel a little hesitant going in for that first kiss. I am not that way but I know a few men that might be a little shy especially in today's society where women take the lead in so many things. Of course, if he is surely CLEVER he should pick up during the date that you enjoy old fashioned ways!

    B

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  10. B-

    Noted. Ladies- just try not to send mixed signals. It connotes you are not Clever- if you want to be kissed- GET KISSED. If you want more- Clever Girls GET MORE. Just manage your expectations- if you give more, you might not get more.

    x

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