Friday, October 2, 2009

All The Good Ones are Taken ... Or Divorced?

In response to an anonymous email I received last night ...

His complaint is-- all the women who are "attracted" to him are either married, separated or recently divorced. He is wondering if it is a scent he is throwing off. He did impart some critical information which will allow me to elucidate. People have long told him he was gregarious, charming and funny and he is admittedly a Quixotic romantic. Wow, what a lethal combination for a woman stagnating in a marriage, newly out of a stagnant marriage or DONE with a stagnant marriage.

Think about it- cheating is more a "symptom" of a problem in the marriage than it is a function of desire or anything else. What is considered "cheating" or "inappropriate" is the new hot debate. Just like what now determines whether you are a virgin or what is considered "sex". The myth of marriage is centered around the concept you should never again be attracted (deeply) to another person- emotionally, intellectually or physically. Further, once you marry, in theory, you will never have sex with another person again. Hmmm. That is a lot to swallow, when you break it down. Imagine being twenty and getting married. Is it really sustainable not to be attracted in any way to another person until you die? Perhaps for some.

We are all guilty of looking at grandparents and parents who have weathered the tempest of marriage for forty, fifty, sixty and even seventy years- but I bet if you could sit down with them, get them hammered, you'd learn a few things about marriage and the reality of it. After all, didn't you see Bridges of Madison Country? Perfect wife and mother reveals her true longing through letters after she is dead. This movie alone could destroy my reputation as a Guy's Girl and frankly, I was under duress at the time of viewing- too drunk to care- my gay room mate and I snuggled together- him bawling, me cynical (ok- a bit of hyperbole- I may have shed a tear).

So, to my anonymous emailer ... the women who are drawn to you are so because you are satisfying something missing in their marriage or that was missing in their marriage- you are being viewed largely as someone who can "entertain" them, fulfill them in some way and either not "threaten" their marriage (after all, what is a little harmless flirting?) or, you seem emotionally safe for a women who just exited a marriage. You are playful and fun and charming. If this is all you want, you have picked the right audience- but if you are looking for a "deeper" relationship, you might steer clear of this set as they might need some time to heal and get to know themselves again before jumping into another relationship.

For you- be honest with yourself regarding what you "want". Too many people spend too much time talking and thinking about what they "DON'T" want. If you want a girl who watches sports (because they love sports- not because they are spying on the guys), drinks beer, knows who Dan Patrick is (and cares) and isn't opposed to seeing the occasional Mafia movie- you need a Clever Girl. They are out there- there are about to be more than you know what to do with- so in the meantime- stay Charming and Chivalrous, the world needs you.

x

12 comments:

  1. Clever, does that mean she should know who Swamy and Keith Olbermann are?

    B

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  2. Interesting topic- cheating and inappropriate behavior! I would like to test this "myth of marriage" about the attraction to other people. As a married man myself, I could be at the beach and definitely be attracted to many women, I'm sure. Equally so, I guarantee there would also be women I would not find attractive. Attraction is just a "chemical thing", for lack of words, inside of us all. I believe it to be perfectly acceptable to be married and have this attraction to women. The "hot debate" starts when or if the attraction becomes deeper.

    So, one day you're walking downtown and you run into an old friend, that you had no prior physical relationship with, and you start to talk. You are attracted to her. You're married, she's married. Perfectly fine, right? Sure. You know her past, already being a clever girl, thus the reason for the attraction. And oh WOW, has she ever become gorgeous! You would really like to stay in touch with her, so you exchange numbers. Then you start to text and call each other. Cheating?? Oh what the heck, let's have lunch sometime. You meet outside the restaurant, you are simply stunned by her beauty, and you share a long warm embrace. Cheating?? Inside you talk and catch up, the attraction builds, each of you realizing an underlying chemistry that has always been there. Your head says "I'm married, what am I doing?" Her eyes say "You are right where you need to be." Your lust builds, you want to kiss her, does she? She stands up, leans across the table and delivers the most soft and passionate kiss you can recall. Cheating?? You're married, she's married. You meet again and again and.....

    So where is the line? Is there one? That is quite the dilemma, for which I certainly don't have the answer. As long as what defines cheating is still up for debate, it can't really be the true symptom for having a stagnant marriage. And if you find yourself in a stagnant marriage, and you're stuck in a situation like above, the bigger question to ask is: How do you really know you married the right person in the first place? I would like to sit some grandparents down, get them hammered, and ask them THAT question!

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  3. So Clever Girl can you give us some pertinent background details about yourself? Single and dating? Single and alone? Married and happy? Married and unhappy? Your intimate details shed light about your point of view which I find quite refreshing and interesting...keep those witty and insightful posts coming.

    LOYL

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  4. LOYL-

    Pertinent? You find me witty, insightful, refreshing and interesting. Nothing else matters- does it? I will keep the posts coming- keep reading ... you can email me from here if there is anything you want me to address.

    x

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  5. A Guy -

    Everyone has their own definition of "cheating" and "appropriate" behavior- and I'm sure as a married man you have already navigated this slippery slope a number of times- so you probably know the answer as it relates to YOUR marriage.
    Each person must draw their own line- or it might be drawn for you- hopefully not in the sand by your spouse, or by a blood splatter specialist as they try to determine whether your death was murder or suicide.
    The point is ... if you were blissfully happy, sexually satiated by your spouse, appreciated for what you consider your self-defining characteristics, supported and loved unconditionally, your "attraction" to this other woman would not be an attraction, but an empirical observation, or if you know her, admiration for her or him as a person.
    Thank you for you commentary- perhaps you should write some vignettes for women's magazines.
    x

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  6. A Guy-

    Oh, and it is possible to be "attracted" and not do anything about it. Attraction is an interesting concept- there is latitude here, it could just mean an affinity for someone or something, it doesn't explicitly relate to sexual desire.
    x

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  7. Hey clever girl, easy on the violence and bloodshed! Such a graphic description- a bit over the top, don't you think? Wouldn't simply walking out on the marriage be a much more congenial end? Besides, there has been no line drawn in the sand. The slippery slope is only inside my head, and it is well under control now. While I agree with your “rules of attraction” from your first post(immediately above), I am ultimately more inclined toward your next post. Meaning- I am now very satisfied by my spouse in all aspects you mentioned, but there was a time when I wasn’t. My “clever girl” of which I speak, happened along at the right time, and for a specific purpose, I believe, to bridge the gap in my stagnating marriage. While in the beginning the “attraction” was driven by sexual desire and many other strong feelings, it has now morphed into something different. Staring down the decision to “cheat”(still open to debate what we have done qualifies as such) with her, made me step back and realize what I already had in my marriage and that it’s worth saving. This discovery, however, still leaves me in the category of your next post. I am still very attracted to my “clever girl” and believe she feels the same. We have decided to use the “latitude”, as you called it, and be comfortable in the fact that we are attracted to one another, but do not act on it. We share a deep emotional and intellectual attraction but avoid the physical. Aww, what the heck, maybe we kiss every now and then. Is that so bad? :) After all, it’s the feeling attached to a kiss that matters, and that feeling is now of a great friendship. Anyway, thanks for being my sounding board. Now get back to being clever!!

    Oh, and writing vignettes in women’s magazines is the furthest thing from my mind. I have, however, thought about writing a screenplay... hmmm...

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  8. New topic for you...

    Shallowness. I have become picky in my old age as I age like a fine wine. I have come across a few women who were attractive, sweet, intelligent, but there was 'something' that made me cut the relationship short. Some of these features even seem so petty to me but I could not look past them. Does it make me shallow or is my pickiness common among 'clever girls and clever guys'?

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  9. Anonymous-

    I think that is a great topic to discuss and thank you for it. Shallowness. I do not, in any respect think your discerning nature makes you shallow. You are being honest- which is something a great many people forget to do and marry someone they can "change". Why would you want to CHANGE someone you married. If they can't be changed BEFORE you marry them, don't marry them. Haha. Apparently I have to insert the Haha now because "A Guy" thinks I'm too violent and graphic.
    Fact of the matter is- I think this is more about the "something" she is missing than the "something" which drives you away. Think about that- and yes, being discerning is synonymous with being "clever"- literally. So, as opposed to thinking of yourself as "shallow" applaud yourself for being a perspicacious man who just hasn't met a truly "clever" woman.
    x

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  10. A Guy-

    I applaud your navigation of a dangerous tangle with a "clever girl"- haha. I now insert haha so you don't think I am violent and graphic. Haha. Could get boring- are you tired of it yet? I am, so you will have to assume I am BEING FUNNY. Have a sense of humor for goodness sakes- you narrowly escaped!
    OK- enough fun and games- you have opened up a really interesting line of thinking. I might even have to tackle it in a post, but for now- there is a professor of Psychology at the University of Minnesota who has done some of the most fascinating research regarding interpersonal relationships. Her name is Ellen Berscheid and she is a very clever woman- her understanding of the inner workings of romantic relationships is compelling. She asserted, in a relationship which has become distant, often times the tumult of a death in the family, an affair or some other cataclysmic event (such as the proposition of divorce) is the extrinsic force which forces the two people to take stock in their marriage and actually bring them closer together.
    It sounds like your "clever girl" was the cataclysmic event which brought you closer to your wife- so that is a wonderful thing. Many men might have given into the their "desire", your story is a good one. Thank you for sharing it with me-
    x

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  11. Yes, I have a friend who knows my story and is amazed by my will power and that I didn't give in to my desires. In fact, he's petitioning the city to have a bronze statue of me erected. haha Apparently there are so few guys like me??? Frankly, I don't know if she would have "gone the distance" even if I was willing. Maybe someday I'll ask her.

    Pardon me while I continue my self-indulgence a little longer...My "clever girl" was more than a just cataclysmic event. I believe she was an angel, sent to me. Not that it matters to the story, but her beauty is beyond compare and her captivating eyes have a hypnotizing effect over me. Her gorgeous hair is long, dark brown and flowing...Wait! That is not even the point. Well, sort of.

    You see, my mother died a few years back and many years prior to that, her marriage to my father ended in divorce due to cheating on her part. She was a beautiful, spiritually gifted woman and also had gorgeous, long, dark brown flowing hair. While my "clever girl" might have been the cataclysmic event, or extrinsic force, to bring me closer to my wife, I believe it was not just a random event. This extrinsic force could be called divine destiny. It was my mother's way of letting me know- not to choose the path she did, to resist temptation like she couldn't and to keep my family together. This force originated in the spiritual realm and manifested through the face of an angel, through the beautiful face of my "clever girl". I treasure her and our friendship more than she will ever know.

    ReplyDelete

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