I received the following email last night and felt it needed to be addressed- mostly because it pissed me off.
Clever Girl- help. I’m afraid to break it off with my girl friend of seven months- she’s highly emotional and I don’t know what she’ll do. JD
Break ups are unpleasant- no doubt about it and depending on your emotional involvement, it could feel as if you are experiencing a death. Clever Girls exemplify dignity and self-respect and should exercise both in this situation. While this may be one of the most painful experiences of your life- save the psychotic break for the girls.
If your boyfriend calls you and says, “Listen, I’ve given this a lot of thought and I think we should take a break”- what he really means is “I want out. I don’t really have any intention of resuming our relationship, but I have learned pacifying you is the way to mitigate your emotional outbursts”. Let him know this is not what you want, but you understand his feelings. Wish him well and hang up the phone- or walk away from the meeting place. I am not against shedding a tear- from a theatrical point of view- it looks good, will stroke his ego for sure and it might just be an honest reaction. You could let him know you didn’t see this coming and you apologize for your tears it is simply a bit of a shock. Now, if for some reason, he really means “break”- he needs to be the one to come back. Clever Girls do not call. Do not leave messages. Do not beg.
No matter what “excuse” he gives you- what it translates to is- he wants out- so let him go. Why, oh why, would you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you? It doesn’t matter if he is accepting a job in a distant city and doesn’t want to manage a long distant relationship- begging him and reassuring him you can handle it is a bit degrading. If he says he met someone else- great. Fact of the matter is- if he is dumb enough to let go of a Clever Girl- he was never smart enough to keep one in the first place. Move on to more fertile ground, Clever. If he blames it on work- it means work means more to him- so let him work himself into an early grave- no longer your problem. If he tells you he feels you work too much and don’t have enough time for him- test him by committing to making more time for him- if he still seems to want to cut loose- he was lying and it’s time to give him the boot.
My all-time favorite is- “it’s not you it’s me”, which means, conversely- IT’S YOU. Know this- sometimes it’s easier for him to lie than tell you he doesn’t love you, doesn’t want to move forward with you, he loves someone else or he thinks you are lousy in bed- regardless of the reason, let him off the hook and get OVER it. Yes, it sucks- but so does being with someone who is having a relationship with someone else because they are afraid of the implications of ending it with you. If he says- “Listen, you seem to be more involved in this than I am and I feel it would be better for us to go our separate ways before someone gets hurt”, he is telling the truth and the truth is- he doesn’t want to be with you beyond the current status of your relationship, so, your interests are not aligned. Thank him for being honest and walk away.
You may think you have SOOOO much to discuss regarding the dissolution of what might be a long term relationship you assumed would end in marriage- but, the fact is- he has already worked through this. Uncoupling starts with a secret and his secret might be that he’s been uncoupling for a while and while it’s unfair- has reached his decision. Nothing you can say at this point will matter. You might guilt him into giving you another try- but why would you do that? If you love him, loved him or would like to see things work out- let him go. It is the most honest expression of your love.
Now, Clever Guys- if you are dating someone whose response to a break up you fear- congratulations on getting out while you can. If you anticipate her kicking your windshield out from the inside- slapping you in the face in public or lighting your house on fire- you’re probably involved with someone with a personality disorder and it’s never soon enough to leave the situation.
Ignore threats of suicide because they’re threats- stop being a victim of manipulation- this is probably one of the reasons you want out. If she does kill herself- know you were not the cause- there was something deeper and more relevant than your relationship. If she threatens to harm you or does harm you physically or in the form of vandalism- get a restraining order and make certain you take action- this will get her attention. Women who resort to such machinations are unstable to say the least- so, in providing strict boundaries for your break up- you might have a chance of stopping further abuse.
There is a responsibility in being Clever- Guys, you must accept break ups with the same dignity and respect you would appreciate. The same applies to you- why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Doesn’t matter how hot they are, how jealous all your friends are you were able to land her- how much your family adores her- all that really resonates here is she doesn’t want to be with you. So, accept it gracefully and strike out anew.
Oh and for the record- the statement “we need to talk” pisses guys off. It alerts them to potential conflict and makes them defensive- so cut the preamble and get to the point. All preamble is anyway is the opportunity to clue the other person in to what you are going to say to cushion the blow- it doesn’t work. All the … “you’re a really great guy …” “when we began this …” it all amounts to the same thing. “I want out”. Spit it out- be kind and firm.
From adversity springs opportunity and when one man walks away, another will appear. The same goes for women, Clever Guys so fret not.
Sometimes...it is because it's ME. Not so "very clever guyish," but true. It's not until later, when it's clearly too late, that ME was wrong. Grammatically incorrect, but accurate.
ReplyDeleteME was embarrassed by ME's personal situation. Young, poor, lacking self-confidence and afraid, thinking that the girl of ME's dreams could do a lot better than...well...ME. Not fair to her, but things happen for reasons. ME thinks she did do better, but not because of ME's lack of self-confidence. She is where she is supposed to be in life and ME is happy where ME is in life. If only Clever Girl was around more than 20 years ago, ME would have had to courage to try the truth and give her the benefit of the doubt. Hind sight so THEY say...
ME-
ReplyDeleteOh my, you raise a really interesting point. One I had failed to consider and I might have to do a subsequent post. The point of this post was- how to accept a break up. Regardless of how you broke it off- it was because you didn't want to be in it anymore. Whether it was to preserve your sense of self or not isn't really the point.
I have a feeling- she was probably left a bit bruised but hopefully had dignity in your rejection. If she really did care for you- she let you go- despite the unknown reason. Undoubtedly, she was left with the feeling it was HER.
So, the post still stands- you left her because you didn't feel she would love you or like you for who you are- so it was her to some degree. Either way- you needed out. I hope she let you go. I hope she made it clear along the way it wasn't what she wanted or needed.
The truth is essential- give her the opportunity to give YOU the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she didn't care. Maybe she would have enjoyed building a life with you- isn't that what relationships are about? Fueling one another? Supporting one another? Helping? Nurturing?
The Clever articulation is helping us bridge the gaps which exist in our interactions with one another. It's ok to be vulnerable in that moment. What would you have stood to lose to sit down and say- "Listen, I really, really care for you- but feel I have so much to accomplish before I can offer you what I think you deserve". Two scenarios could have played out. She would have smiled and said- "You ARE what I want. Let's do this together" or "Now that you mention it- you are kind of a loser". Either way- you would not have required hindsight.
Think of what you have gained in her absence- however hard won. Children? A thriving career? A friendship with HER? A marriage? An education? Whatever it is- there is something.
I used to say- experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted. I'm not sure how I feel about that anymore.
All of us are young, misguided, lack direction and most of us were all that and poor at one time.
Thank you for this feedback- I really enjoyed reading it. I know you are not alone- as a matter of fact, I have heard this before- so Guys- it's time to be More Clever. Be honest- what would it hurt?
x
This topic works for more serious relationships too.... at the tail end of an eight year relationship that did end up in marriage, I was given the "I just need to go find myself" break up line. I have to say that its not as easy to walk away from a marriage as it is from a dating type relationship, but if you do it cleanly and with no bad feelings, it is much more dignified. Ultimately it makes recovery a little easier too. Thanks Clever for the posative spin on a tough situation.
ReplyDeleteTT
TT-
ReplyDeleteYou are most certainly perceptive. "I have to go find myself" is another great code for- "I want out. I am likely not coming back." Hats off to your for accepting it gracefully and realizing, likely- she was already done. What good would arguing and complaining and guilting her do?
Like I said- break ups are never easy, but the less drama associated the better for all parties.
Thanks for your thoughts- I always enjoy reading them.
x
'Me' agree with Mr. Anonymous 'Me'. I really think this was a great topic to put out there. Less drama is good but in my own personal experience unavoidable, especially when I found myself stuck in the same school with my EX'y and a new boe after a few short days. Relationships are just freakn so hard, i don't think it ever works out where two worlds just mesh well...what do you think clever girl?
ReplyDelete'Me'-
ReplyDeleteSadly, I agree with you on all accounts. In a society driven and often dictated by the media portrayal of "normal" or "acceptable" behavior- break ups are less and less diplomatic. Women are more interested in the spectacles which might garner attention or sympathy from onlookers or from the man breaking up with them.
This post was to encourage people to think about what they are doing when they are being "cut loose". Spare everyone the indignity of a scene- save everyone the embarrassment of begging, pleading and harassing.
I do think if expectations are managed with honesty- you have a better chance of a harmonious existence and subsequently a less tumultuous break up if things don't work out. By that I mean- be honest about your intentions in the relationship as soon as you realize them- "hmm, great girl but no one i can see myself with long term ...". No stringing a guy along because he looks good on paper or buys you nice gifts or is good in the sack- once you recognize one of you is more emotionally involved than the other- a discussion might be a good idea.
Thanks for your thoughts- let me hear from you again-
x