Top 10 Stupidest Things I've Overheard at an NHL Game

I have to start here to prevent you from becoming one of THESE PEOPLE. Keeping in mind, this list has been compiled over twenty years (read- I am old), BUT, that does not mean these are the only stupid things I’ve overheard- frankly, these are my favorites because of how many times I have heard them.

So, if I sit within earshot of you at a hockey game, and overhear you say anything on this list, I am going to pull from my far too large purse (it’s really more of a satchel) a t-shirt which reads: I am STUPID and do not deserve my hockey ticket.

The first thing you need to know about hockey is- if you don’t know, ask a question- do not assert- at least not out loud.

Part of the Clever articulation for men and women is to be curious, try new things, broaden your interest base. You do not have to read Hockey for Dumbasses before you go to a game, nor do you need a PhD in hockey so you can dazzle your companion with your dizzying knowledge. Ask the person who brought you to the game some questions, but those questions need to reach beyond what I am going to share with you here.

If, you are on a date with a man and he has brought you to a hockey game- I will arm you with enough information and enough information ONLY to inquire further. The point of being Clever is to engage with him- show your interest in him by being interested in the game.

Top Ten Stupidest Things I've Overheard at an NHL Game:

1) Nice stadium. It’s an arena folks. This is one reason I initially opposed expansion hockey teams or franchises in cities where it doesn’t snow. These are football regions and every thing “hockey” is perceived through a football lens.

2) How many quarters are there? None. Hockey is played in periods. There are three. Each period is 20 minutes long. Pay attention here, girls, just like football- triple the time on the clock to figure out how long until an intermission.

3) Oh, that’s in military time. No. It. Isn’t. The time clock in hockey counts down- so naturally, when it says 17:31, it does not mean it is 5:31pm (if it were this would indicate it was a weekend when games are played in the afternoon).

4) We missed the rules. If you come early enough, they explain the rules. No. They. Don’t. (As a sidebar, I need to know who “They” and “Everyone” are. I am tired of being the only person who doesn’t know who “they” are. If anyone knows either “they” or “everyone” please let me know- I’d like to speak with them). Some programs include general rules and terminology, but a Clever Girl would brush up before the game- by reading this blog or by going to NHL.com. Regardless of how much you learn, please do not dictate to your date (whether it is your father, brother, co-worker or friend- male or female). No one likes an undisputed authority who rubs your nose in it- and further, you just look pompous.

5) Oooh, it’s almost time for tip-off. No. It. Isn’t. We call it a face-off and it happens for the first time of each game at center ice. Please see next idiotic statement.

6) Right there, on the fifty yard line. It’s called center ice. This is not football. This. Is. Hockey.

7) Watch the puck, it has a blue flame that comes out of it so you can see it- I saw it on TV. Ok. I’ve had it. When Fox first won the contract to broadcast NHL games, they thought people who don’t watch hockey suddenly would. People who love hockey and watch hockey on TV, do not need the help of an animated blue steak to keep track of the puck. So, to recap. There is no actual blue flame, which emanates from the puck. Further, those who love to watch hockey live or on TV know a lot of great playing happens behind the puck.

8) It’s half time. Please refer to idiotic statement number 2. We call it intermission and it lasts for seventeen minutes unless otherwise noted.

9) C means Captain, A means Assistant. No. It. Doesn’t. A means alternate. In this regard, if the Captain is not on the ice, the privileges of the Captain extend to the alternate.

10) And here it is- my all-time favorite. SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY. This statement is the one, which magnifies both your idiocy and alerts those actual hockey fans within earshot to your neophyte status. Yes, hockey players tend to get into altercations occasionally, but fighting does not define the sport- as well evidenced by the general lack of physical play during the playoffs. You see, physical play can draw penalties and while it might be ok to be short handed (down at least one player) during the regular season (after all there are 84 or so games), each play in the playoffs is critical. So, some of the most gorgeous (do not read boring) hockey you will ever see is during the playoffs.

Don't disappoint me. Go to a game if you are afforded the opportunity. There are many other leagues which might have a team in your area. Or, you could attend a high school or college game. Keep in mind- idiotic statements from above are still idiotic regardless whether you are attending an NHL or high school game. Oh, and don’t assume high school, college and NHL games have the same timing, rules or guidelines for over-time and ties. This would not be very Clever. If you simply must show off- here is a delicate way to do so, “now, I know in an NHL game (insert vast wisdom here), how do they do it in high school?” This gives him or her and opportunity to showcase their knowledge as well- WIN WIN.