Game Day Violations

It’s game day- can’t you smell it in the air? If you are up north- the aroma of burning leaves, crisp earthy air- beer that remains cold in your hand outside but no clear picture of a woman’s figure under all that outdoor gear. If you are in the south- Clever Girls are sporting their game day finest- jeans which fit and complement their figures, a fitted but not too tight t-shirt or sweater, and shoes or boots, the air is redolent of chili or burgers on the grill, and a huge cooler of beer is at the ready.

One of the only aspects of football we have not covered are penalties. I want to explain a few you’re going to hear while watching any game and then, with the help of a VERY Clever Guy named William Haeck, I have devised some practical definitions as they apply to girls that could learn a few things about being Clever.

The first rule of being game day Clever is not asserting. If you don’t know for CERTAIN (and usually, it is tough to tell)- zip it. Let the guys battle it out- argue and just listen. If you MUST throw your new or amassed knowledge around, pick the most common opinion and agree.

Offside- a player is offside when any part of his body is beyond his scrimmage or free kick line when the ball is snapped or kicked.

Ladies- you are offside if you are reaching for ANYTHING which puts you in front of the TV when the ball is snapped or put into play or is in play at all.

Encroachment- when a player enters the neutral zone (the space the ball takes up between the two scrimmage lines) and makes contact with an opponent before the ball is snapped.

Ladies- any attempt to distract a man from the game- and this includes lingerie or partial nudity is considered encroachment. Ladies, be prepared because this penalty can be declined- and you might find yourself being encroached upon.

Neutral zone infraction- the space the length of a ball between the two scrimmage lines. The offense and defense must remain behind their end of the ball.

Ladies- the neutral zone is the space between you and the other dudes watching the game. While it is an honor to be invited, critical you are your normal Clever and charming self, make sure you maintain the neutral zone, you don’t want to be “misunderstood” and considered a party favor.

Delay of game- refers to any action causing the game to be delayed. It is often intentional to interrupt the opposing team’s momentum.

Ladies- this is transparent, all things such as the Honey Do list and errands can cause a delay of game. Brunch with the family and church often interfere with the early game. Manage your expectations on game day. I know what you are thinking- What about Tivo? It’s not the same- especially if he is supposed to host game day, make it to a tailgate party or meet the guys to watch. He will be harangued endlessly for being late and do you want him to blame it on you for being a “nag”? Do you know what a nag is? A term referring to a broken down horse. Now, honestly. Clever Girls do not nag- they just refuse to share their lives with men who “need” to be nagged. Clever Guys don’t “need” to be nagged. They manage their time and space continuum.

Face mask- incidental or otherwise, the facemask is not to be grasped and can cause serious injury. It will result in a penalty every time it is witnessed.

Ladies- if a dude is wearing a helmet to watch the game- you have every right to tease him, but do not touch it.

Unsportsman-like conduct- any behavior determined, by the referee to be unsportsman-like conduct.

Ladies- the list is long and depending on how patient your guy is with your talking during the game (especially about unrelated topics), complaining, and I really hope this doesn’t happen- being late with the delivery of the requisite kick-off beverage. Totally not Clever. If you don’t want to watch- make yourself useful for goodness sakes. Fetch drinks, replenish snacks- go get wings from Hooters and if you are really bold, get a Hooters Girl uniform to do so in. Ha! Totally Sportsman like.

False Start- is movement by either the offense or defense prior to the snap and after they are in position. This can affect the play and will result in a penalty, usually of five yards.

Ladies- pay attention. Imagine this, they guys are poised, the ball has been kicked off and it’s looking good for an opening run back for a touch down. The returner catches the ball and is in motion. Suddenly, an alert from Tivo or your DVR comes up saying you have previously set the recorder to change when “Dying Young” begins. A melee will commence during with several people scramble for the remote at the same time. The return will be missed and while there is a replay, it’s not the same. You will likely get a Game Misconduct penalty for this and might be kicked out- plan on watching “Dying Young” in the other room and maybe every Saturday for the rest of the season.

Ok- this is enough torture for one day. You know I am just trying to help- Clever Girls are not offended. Make me proud today and DON’T make me create Clever Girl Flags for Guys. He will have them at the ready and throw them down when you are in violation of any of the above and many other rules. The penalties could be stiff. On second thought, looks like I have some work to do.