The words of a reader are resonating with me and need to be addressed. He signed his correspondence- Hard Working NOT Upper Class Guy. I've been wondering why it was important to him I know he wasn’t upper class, but still hard working. I've never associated hard work with socio-economic status- nor have I associated hard work with success. Largely because each person measures success differently- some by their ability to create and maintain interpersonal relationships, some by the amount of money they make, how quickly they are promoted, the health of their marriage or the harmony of their family. As well as hard work does not equal upper class- the two are not mutually exclusive either.
His words churned in the back of my mind until this past weekend as I dined at the Brown Street Café in Ennis, Texas. As I gazed about it was evident I was surrounded by men and women who knew the value of a hard day’s work. Hands had been put to the plow- the tractor had cultivated, the house had been maintained, the children had been raised, marriages had persevered. All of this is hard work- not designated by class. Many of those enjoying their meal had achieved a great deal of financial success- marital success, familial success and personal actualization- not one of them with an air one would associate with Upper Class.
When do we learn the value of hard work? At what age do we realize hard work is required in all facets of our lives and if we put in the effort- we will be rewarded. How young is too young to teach your children? How do we avoid the entitlement, which has become rampant with each new generation?
As I ruminated over my coffee, I was delighted with an exchange I was able to overhear at the next table. My figurative hat is off to this Clever Daddy for driving home the answers to all my questions.
Dad- Hey, Son? (the sports page was in front of him, unread- a steaming cup of coffee in front of him as he watched his son draw a picture).
Son- Yes, Daddy?
Dad- I want you to know how proud I am of how well you’re doing in kindergarten. (I glanced over to see the father hunched a bit to look directly in his little boy’s eyes).
Son- I really like it, Daddy.
Dad- I know you do, Son and your teachers tell me you’ve been working hard on your letters. I know it’s not easy, I’ve been there- but you’re doing great.
Son- Thanks, Daddy.
Dad- I also want you to know, I’ve noticed how much you’ve improved in t-ball.
Son- I’m trying, Daddy. I want to be really good.
Dad- You are good, Son. I see you getting better every week. I’m here to help- any time you need me.
Son- Do you think I can play short stop soon?
Dad- Well, if you keep working at it and put the time in, I see it working out- but for the time being, Trevor is our man at short stop.
Son- Do you think Trevor might help me?
I couldn’t understand the dad’s response because he was obviously choked up- I had to admit so was I. It shocked me such a small child could see past his own desires and look to a peer not in jealously but for help to achieve a goal. In the corner of my eye- I saw him reach over and grab his son’s hand and the smile his son offered in return lit the room.
This Clever Daddy is raising a responsible, hard working man. He probably doesn’t even realize how meaningful his words are at this young age- but he is generating logical parallels between- school and work, effort and reward, work and success, the value of setting goals and asking for help to achieve them.
Praising children at times is a product of habit- but children receive a message differently when spoken from behind a newspaper or while you are on the phone than they do when you get on your knees and look them in the eye.
If we are too quick to compliment them- “That’s the best picture I have ever seen!” Is it? Is it really? Probably not. They don’t learn the value of the effort required to create something beautiful. The effort in itself is beautiful so focus on that. “Wow, what a neat picture. I can see you put a lot of effort into it. Now, what is this here?”
If we applaud a child’s every breath- when will they take breathing for granted? How will they cope with not making the team? Flunking a class? Not making partner the first year out of college? When their marriage is tested?
His father’s messages will fuel this boy’s endeavors in school, relationships, college and work. When the focus shifts to marriage, family and career- he will be prepared to buckle down and put in a hard day’s work every day.
This child will likely not feel entitled. He will put forth energy- he will be proud of his accomplishments- he will have self-respect, self-confidence and the desire to thrive. It might all begin with eye contact and a well-constructed compliment aimed at recognizing the effort behind your child’s achievement.
Whether it’s a drawing, eating their entire meal or securing that coveted position on the team, the lesson is clear- nothing worthwhile is easily won and hard work will yield results.
Well said Hilary!! This generation has a sense of entitlement that was missing from past generations....... Parents hand over things to their children without having them "earn" it. If more people would give direction to "proper" parenting by using positives examples like yourself and capture the attention of (if only) one person it would be one step closer to creating a respectful and responsible society - something that continues to diminish over time. Maribeth Jordan
ReplyDeleteI have to admit, I also was a little choked up reading this, but I'm a big softy. I think any parent raising small children should take the things you said to heart. We all need to stop and take the time to look our kids in the face. Get off the cell phone, the computer, the TV, set down the newspaper and instill the values in our children that matter for the rest of their lives.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant!
I couldn't agree more. Eye contact is critical to children- they feel validated and acknowledged. Regardless of the age- children deserve time and recognition. The Clever Daddy in this vignette is doing some hard work and it is effortless for him.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for reading- this one was for all the Daddies who don't feel validated or acknowledged for their efforts. I am listening and watching.
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Maribeth-
ReplyDeleteYou speak the truth. We give over to our children for many reasons- because it is "easier", because we don't want a "meltdown" in public or private, we are "too tired" to fight it out, we want more for them than we had, we want them to appreciate the better things in life so they will go out there and get them. Unfortunately- all the aforementioned scenarios arrest the development of any interest in "going out there and getting" anything- why? Because if I cry loud enough, beg, plead, stomp my feet, pout, threaten or get a C instead of a D on my geometry test- my parents will "give" it to me.
It's the new death by consumption- STUFF- all the freaking stuff. Can you imagine- when we were in high school having all the stuff available? We'd have never gotten a thing done- of course- there might not have been so much fighting because we'd have been too plugged in and self-absorbed to gossip!
It is exhausting to parent- hard work doesn't even touch upon the enormity of the task- but when you make the commitment to have a child- it is in fact a commitment and they deserve a chance. Checking out- taking the easy route will teach them to do the same- which leads to lying, cheating, stealing, underhanded behavior, disappointment, anxiety, insecurity- none of which is good. If parents knew in advance their child would try to kill themselves in tenth grade because they didn't make quarterback and it was the first time in their life they didn't get exactly what they wanted- would they dedicate more time? How about anticipate their needs and support them- arm them- teach them- give them a way in the world.
Thanks so much, Maribeth! You are indeed a Clever Mommy-
Let me hear from you again and send me a message with some ideas to cover for moms. Had a really interesting one which might ruffle some feathers.
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Well said! It is so important to instill those values into our young, beautiful children but not in a preachy way but through our actions and how we deal with situations and life. Children spell love by 4 letters: T-I-M-E. No matter how busy our days get, it is so important to either have dinner as a family (no t.v.'s, no phones, etc.) or read a bedtime story or have designated family time each day. Let your children know how proud you are of them not because they are "perfect" in your eyes but because they are trying to do their very best in school, sports, friendships, etc. The biggest injustice to children is telling them that they are perfect at everything. No one, besides God is perfect. It is so well said when you say you should phrase things such as, "“Wow, what a neat picture. I can see you put a lot of effort into it. Now, what is this here?” Give them acknowledgement of their hard work and they will want to work hard.
ReplyDeleteIt is also always important that you get down on your child's level (no, not letting yourself act like a big kid again) but get eye level with them and explain why you are proud of them or why that decision they made might not have been the best and teach them to learn from their mistakes. Shower them with hugs, kisses or little notes in their lunches. It is said that children learn love from their mom and respect from their dad. My parents were beyond wonderful and instilled in me the values that I have today, not by telling me I was a princess and could do no wrong, but by walking with me through life, helping me learn from my mistakes and showing me what love and family meant.
Love this post, Clever girl! Keep it up!
Hugs!
Natalie-
ReplyDeleteThank you for this thoughtful insight. I agree one hundred percent with all your observations. The biggest injustice you can perpetrate on your children is telling them they are perfect- everything they do is excellent- the automatic compliments at every turn. Instead- shower them with "I love you" or "Do you know how happy you make me?" Engage with them- don't let praise become so secondary they take it for granted.
Some parents think they are bolstering their children's confidence by constantly reinforcing them as being "perfect"- doing an "excellent" job- when they miss the ball on the t. Instead- acknowledge what is really going on! "Hey, nice try- eye on the ball- swing through" - it is your job as a parent to guide, to teach- NOT to set unrealistic expectations. Your child needs to understand not everyone will like them- not every subject in school will be effortless (if it is- wonderful- praise the effort they put into mastering them)- they will not make every team- secure every position.
We will continue to explore Clever parenting so I appreciate your feedback!
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I would have to applaud this clever daddy too, and hope that more of us can emulate his example with our own children. You pose some very good questions in your post....thought provoking for sure. When one really thinks about how they would measure their own success, it can be pretty humbling some times. I can see my success in some areas of my life, then be astounded by the utter failure of other parts. Some times it feels like a lot of plates to juggle all at once. Truer words were never spoken....it is hard work!! Thank you for your keen insight CG, it is inspiring, as always.
ReplyDeleteTT
TT-
ReplyDeleteYou have turned into a faithful reader and I thank you for it. So much of Clever is ever evolving- and driven by the feedback offered. I believe it is critical only to know what you value and to strive for it. If you are dedicated to providing your child with the college education you never had- and when you do, it is your version of success- wonderful.
What it comes down to is what makes us feel valuable to ourselves. We should not be living for others- working ourselves to death to buy our wives a bigger house, a bigger ring- send our children to out of state schools when there are fabulous in-state schools. Now- I am not saying fold up the tent because you've wanted nothing more than to be a bartender in Fiji (leave the wife and kids etc...)- I am saying, know that before you get married or have children and DO IT.
Clever people live without fear- but with responsibility to themselves and the commitments they make.
Thanks for your responses- I value them.
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Ok, that made me tear up a little bit. Maybe reminded me of my children. I miss them.
ReplyDeleteB
what a great story. More importantly what a great perspective. Has a Dad of 3 i've seen and lived with the results of my communication. The resuts got better with time. Which certainly didn't help my first.
ReplyDeleteCG when does a child cease to be a child and become a son or daughter? Is it at the age of reason, at puberty or at the legal age of consent?
ReplyDeleteWhen does the nurturing responsibility of the parent become lesser and the responsibility of the 'child' become greater?
To be a parent of an adult is far more difficult than the role of a parent to a child. With a child a parent can shape and mold many of the child's ideals and skills, and behavior, that same parent maintains the responsibility of nurturing that adult offspring but must do so with greater tact skill to avoid conflict.
I have three children 23-31 in age, two boys and one girl. Each of my children have totally different personalities and talents, and I love each of them equally. My sons 23 and 26 are both very independent and want to lead their own lives, but have no problem visiting with loads of laundry and healthy appetites. My daughter at 31 is married and has two children (my only grandchildren). Of course our parenting skills are totally different and I have made the mistake of 'suggesting' things to my daughter which seem to be met with resistance of not outright hostility.
While I DO NOT consider myself an old lady I do realize that a generation in today's world is a chasm as far as social values and attitudes are concerned. If I see something wrong isn't it my responsibility as a parent of an adult child to make my feeling known, or should I just keep my mouth shut and let her learn thru failure?
While having lunch with a dear and trusted girlfriend a few weeks back, my friend brought up a quote from a neighbor friend that really touched a nerve...it goes..."When children are young they step on your feet.....when they are older they step on your heart".
Being the clever girl that you appear to be, how would you prevent an adult child from stepping on your heart?
Anonymous-
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely and heart felt note to start my day with. I must open by saying- when there is love, there is no way to keep your heart from being stepped on. It is part of the loving process to open our hearts to potential hurt. What you have to evaluate before you let the pain begin is the intentionality of the hurt.
Are your children trying to hurt you? Likely no- because you sound like a conscientious and Clever Mommy. So, give some thought to the root of what is causing you pain. It is the nature of boys to move away and begin lives of their own and often the "expectation" the girl will remain closer to her family. So, exactly conforming to that paradigm, you find yourself immersed to some degree with your daughter and her children. It is only natural there will be some flexing of muscles with your daughter.
Often times it takes only a mother stepping back and watching to realize she has influenced her daughter's life more than she believed and in that- her parenting. So, if you can resist the urge to jump in with both feet- she might surprise you. However- if you are left in charge of the grandchildren- you need to manager your daughter's expectations and those of her children by making clear each home has it's own rules and they will all need to respect them. I must say, however, if your daughter or her husband are engaged in behavior or parenting which jeopardizes the health and well-being of their children beyond raising spoiled, unpleasant, entitled brats you can barely stand to be around- you need to step in and if necessary bring help.
Each generation has been certain the next is heading to hell on a greased rail and some how- we've survived. Age has nothing to do with an appreciation for manners, respect and traditional social roles. As you look back- there have always been the people who eventually pull it together and create a productive life and those who do not. While sometimes it is impossible to see, I don't know that the percentage is racing toward hell on a skateboard.
I have an observation which might help- at some point children need to realize their parents are people and they make and will continue to make mistakes- BUT, that nine out of ten times they did their best. The only decision which needs to be made after they have secured their first job is whether their parents are people they would want in their lives if they weren't related.
In my case- the answer is a resounding yes. My parents are my best friends- my trusted advisors. Do I always like what they have to say? NO! But they have earned my trust as parent, friends and wise people. Can my mother get on my nerves? Yes, but we fight like friends- with respect and consideration (unless it's over the last beer and then it is on like the crack of dawn- hahah).
Children are abusive because you allow it, but also because they trust you to be there for them anyway. How do you break old records and establish patterns of respect moving forward? Put your foot down. They might get mad, stomp out- not let you do their laundry, feed them or babysit for a while- but you are mom and they are powerless to walk away.
SEE BELOW PART TWO
PART TWO
ReplyDeleteAs far as your sons are concerned? Live it up- because when they meet their Clever Girl- someone else will be feeding them and doing their laundry and the hurt will be born of perceived abandonment instead of feeling unappreciated and used.
For your first set of questions? I think I answered part of that above in that procuring the first job- when they become financially independent is when your role as parent begins to change, hopefully to that of friend.
It all comes down to purse strings- for lack of a better term- if you are paying the way- your word is law to a certain degree. If you've already created an environment of respect and open communication, purse strings don't feel as constraining to them.
Work on managing your expectations- knowing potential flash points going in can help mitigate your response. For example- every time I tell my mom I am coming home- she tries to tell me which airport to fly into. It starts an argument immediately and we get in a fight. Now- when I tell her I am coming home- I say, I will be flying into "x" because "y", I've already put a flight on hold so you or Dad need to pick me up "x,y,z". It's helped a lot for me to anticipate her response and to have already prepared for it.
For you it might be your daughter showing up to "allow" you time with her kids. She brings you five pages of notes as to how to parent as if you aren't one. Nod, smile and when she walks out the door- stuff the kids full of sugar and demand their respect. When she blows her top- tell her to find another sitter!
Please let me know if any of this helps? I plan to turn this into a post next week. Thank you for inspiring me.
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CG
Anonymous Dad of 3-
ReplyDeleteI apologize for the lateness of this response- for some reason, I never received notification of it coming in.
As parents- you learn as you go. Often the first is a "test kitchen", an experiment. It is never too late to pay attention, to look them in the eye- to make clear you are interested in what they have to say or what is going on their lives. We vote with time in all of our relationships- don't forget to vote every single day.
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CG