When Did Women Become So Very GROSS?

It’s a valid question because, in my experience, it wasn’t always this way. This is not to suggest I am staid, a prude or Puritanical in my views. HOWEVER, there are certain standards of decorum that seem no longer to be observed.

The other night- and I should do this more often because it seems the Clever Tribe prefers to read about social commentary and parenting much more than how to shoot handguns- I found myself at the bar (waiting for a table) in a VERY popular Dallas eatery I’d never been to before.

It had been long recommended for the fantastic pizza. Frankly, I’m a pizza snob, but at the time I was too lazy to make a dinner decision and it did look like it was teeming with social commentary.

Now, I want to qualify the rest of the post by assuring you, I am not being judgmental. When I reference someone’s clothing and hair or posture, it is only to bring further attention to their overall desperation for attention. I think that’s the genesis of all of this- we seem to be set in a cycle where parents are not involved and not giving enough attention to their young girls- this leads to, well …

The first scenario that left my mouth agape was an overdone woman in her late 40s who sauntered in through the open area of the restaurant, unapologetically pushing her way through the crowd (leaving a wake of pissed-off patrons, one of whom dumped his entire glass of red wine down the front of his wife). She positioned herself in front of a table of 10- and this is the part I don’t understand: She bent her knees and all I could think of here is Andrew Dice Clay (for those of you who have no idea who that is- think the least couth, New York or New Jersey Italian dude with a pencant for filthy verbosity), spread her arms wide and lead with, "What the F&%^$!" Those at the table, encouraging her wildly inappropriate and decidedly NOT Clever behavior, went up in vociferous applause as they enveloped her and brought a chair about for her. Now, she was clearly too important to be seated as she stood- holding court- and regaled most of the restaurant (which was already too loud) with a foul-mouthed diatribe about her harrowing day. Now, frankly as the unavoidable content informed me, the worst part of her day was the fact she was a part of it.

On my left were two lovely ladies forced to stand because it was TIGHT. They ordered their wine from a decidedly unpleasant bartender who’d shocked me with his sullen and abrasive personality during the entire time I’d been seated. They seemed disappointed in the reception they received and, honestly, I couldn’t have agreed more. In Dallas- there are too many options for an expensive evening out to be abused by the staff or accept egregious excuses for service.

The two seats next to me opened up and I alerted the girls next to me, as they’d waited patiently and it was their turn. No sooner had one of them settled in were they forced out when the "host" (and I use this term very generously) asked them to get up because the guy he wanted to seat was going to eat. Well, hmmmm. These ladies had just ordered a $50 bottle of wine and said dude ended up ordering a $9 dollar pizza and tea. What happened to first come, first serve? I guess that, among other accepted social norms, no longer exists.

I know, had it been me and I was a single guy (as he was- though his sexuality was in question) and two gorgeous girls were prepared to sit down- I’d have offered them my seat under the condition they had to allow me to chat with them until my table was ready or another seat opened up. It’s just freaking polite. You offer a woman your chair- especially if you haven’t even been seated in it yet!

So the girls came back around to my left and I busied myself with the end of the Flyers game. I heard a few nervous laughs from them and followed their eyes to a situation unfolding on the other side of the "pizza and tea guy" who had denied them relief from standing. I almost laughed because the carmic justice was poetic. So intently were the couple next to him making out they were spilling into him.

The female (because lady or woman would be far too generous) was on her knees on her stool diving into the guy who seemed far more interested in eating pizza. Each time he took a bite she would grab his face and kiss him deeply (maybe she was a bird in a previous life and only learned how to eat from the mouth of another). She poured on the "I love yous" and each time his attention was stolen- even for a moment- she grabbed his face and kissed him. The kissing was far too deep for a social situation- and as I looked around, my mouth was not the only one agape. The "couple" had commanded the attention of everyone at the bar.

As the female teetered on the stool- obviously vastly over-served- I waited for her to pass out cold. You simply could not be that drunk and remain upright or awake for long. The dude excused himself to use the facilities and within four seconds she had snaked her arms around "pizza and tea guy." She adhered herself to him and began barfing the details of her complicated divorce. He looked horrified, uncomfortable, and I smirked each time his eyes darted about wondering if her "date" had actually slipped out the back door.

Realizing she was not getting enough attention from the situation, she used the wall outside the men’s room to hold herself up for a while as she waited for her "date" to come out. We at the bar had all become friendly spectators and the common consensus was that he’d left. Growing bored or needy- she stumbled through the crowd and found the "host." She wrapped herself around him and rubbed his balding head. He held her up and tried to guide her back to her seat. I had to wonder if this was a common occurrence. And then- the grossest of gross.

She staggered to a table with two guys sharing a pizza and snagged a piece from the pie server and brought it to her mouth. Most of it went in her mouth- but a fair amount ended up on her face. The guys were still. There was really nothing to say. Whirling around, she teetered from one guy to the next offering them a "bite." I had to avert my eyes. I’d seen enough.

When the "date" emerged from what could be called the longest bathroom visit in history- he gazed about before fetching his "date." He brought her back to their area and passionate kissing ensued. "Pizza and tea guy," out of fear of the coupling landing in his lap again, inhaled the remaining two pieces of pizza in three bites and ran for the door. I am betting he will think twice before appropriating a seat from two ladies-in-waiting.

I’m proud of the graceful conduct of the young girls who were treated poorly by the bartender, denied a seat, exposed to such horrors and were appropriately aghast. It reassures me my own horror was not a product of age. These were Clever Girls and as I’ve said before- the Clever initiative defies age, looks and weight. You are either Clever or Not Clever. If you find nothing wrong with the actions of the women (or men) in this post- you are NOT Clever and reading this was a waste of your time. Please don’t read So Very Clever again.

If you need to be lead by the hand … The guys surrounding the bar were as disgusted with the display as I - one even going so far as to say "Guys aren’t into potty mouths." I couldn’t agree more. For all of the attention women like Chelsea Handler and Jenny McCarthy get … no one really wants to have a woman like this on their arm in public. I personally believe Chelsea Handler and "Chelsea Lately" are different- she has made her mark on TV and you have the option to tune in or not. Women who attempt to snag the spotlight with graphic sexual talk, foul language, potty humor or inappropriate sexual behavior or slutty clothing will attract men who find that HOT and those dudes are SCARY. Those dudes realize the female in question has no respect for herself so there is no reason to offer her any (even if they were capable of respecting a woman). DANGER.

Where does it start? I have a few ideas for another day.

Now, tomorrow you can expect me to edify the difference between Sexy and Slutty.

Cheers- I am out of here to enjoy some quality time with Ann Marie, my very favorite allergy.