Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Facebook Password, Please

OK, Clever Tribe- it’s time to shine some light on the dangers and pitfalls of social media. I’m not yet ready to bully bullies- I am ready, however, to challenge the naivete of parents.

The saddest movement in parenting is the need or compulsion to be friends with our children. Where does this come from? Were our own childhoods so shitty we need our child to compensate for not being popular or not having a ton of friends? This is an incredible burden you are placing on your child. Why? Because they need a parent- not more friends.

If you raise your child to think of you as a friend- that is the most respect you can ever expect from them- so don’t whine later when they are "out of control," "don’t listen to a word you say" or hate you one day and love you the next. This is the nature of adolescent and teen relationships- but you are not a teen- and if you ARE- you likely made a bad decision to become a parent in your teens. While it might have worked out for you and of course you would never trade your child- you still had to forgo SOMETHING by having a child when you were a child.

So- why do parents do this? Every parent is different- but here are some ideas I have. They are reliving their own childhood through their child. I had a woman tell me once "I will never make my daughter do anything she doesn’t want to do. When I was young everyone bossed me around and I hated it. I don’t want that for her." I held my tongue when I wanted to say "People are supposed to boss you around when you are a kid- it’s how you learn." As usual, I needn’t have said anything because that woman’s kid has bounced around from different family members for years and at 16 has no contact with her mother at all. Turns out the campaign for Best Friend of All Time backfired and now her child has NO respect for her or anyone else on the face of the earth.

In some instances, the parents have no other friends. Often, the parent allows their entire identity to become wrapped up in their child and they can't bear make their child angry with them. They will do ANYTHING to keep that from happening- including giving in on every important parenting point.

We tell children "no" for good reasons. "No, you can’t drink Drano." "No, you can’t sleep over at your boyfriend’s house." "No, you can’t walk to Target by yourself- you are only 10." This is not being mean or "bossing" your child around- it is parenting- teaching and guiding. If you forgo this responsibility in favor of being buddies with your kids- you can count on an out-of-control teen and likely a fractured family. I am not speaking in absolutes- but the temptations children are exposed to- including the constant stream of sexual message being pumped from every single media outlet 24/7- make reaching your child- as a parent- critical to their health and well-being.

Yesterday I was working on my blog in my favorite tea shop and two women sat tragically close to me. I could see by their expressions they were about to crank up that "girl talk”- and once I realized there was nowhere for me to move- I gave in and tabled my blog to see what was so concerning.

"Well, I let Missy get on Facebook."

"Really? She’s like the only kid not on there."

"I told her all along she had to wait until she was 16."

"Hmm. I let Kayla this year."

"At 13?" Nod.

"I’m tired of arguing with her."

"Arguing?" Arguing?

"Yes. Everything is fine- we are Facebook friends and I see her posts and what her friends post. It’s really a great way to keep track of her. I can question her on inappropriate things other kids post and look at her friends. It’s kind of like spying." The woman smirked and took a long sip of her tea.

"Do you have her password?"

"Gosh no! I don’t need it. Everything is right there for me to see."

"Not everything."

"What do you mean?"

"What about her incoming and outgoing messages?"

“Do you have Missy’s password?"

"Hell, yes. My gosh. Who knows who is contacting her or what she is orchestrating in private."

"Don’t you trust her?"

"Uh, no. She’s 16. I trust her to get in trouble all the time and to use whatever form of communication possible to hide things from me."

"Kayla’s not like that- and I don’t want to invade her privacy."

"Really? I have told my kids from day one- you have no privacy. I will be periodically checking your room- drawers, phone and now your Facebook account."

"I feel like if you raise your children right- you shouldn’t need to check up on them or pry."

"Children want to grow up too fast- it’s what I did- but I didn’t have the clandestine channels to communicate that kids now do." She was bristling.

"We are so close- like best friends. I know everything that goes on with her."

"Right now- that’s because she’s only 13. These are the years when social pressure really starts to be a problem- bullying, cyberbullying."

"We talk about everything. I’m not worried."

"So, if she isn’t doing anything wrong- she’d give you her password. Missy gave me hers without me needing to ask."

"Well, you run a really tight ship. Your kids barely speak to you."

"They’ll speak to me when they graduate from college- then we will be friends. Right now- my job is to make sure they are alive."

Missy’s mom is So Very Clever and I applaud her standing up to her lazy and deluded "friend." Kayla’s mom is about to enter the world of peer pressure and she has allowed her daughter to step into a maelstrom of it.

First of all, 13-year-old children are not supposed to be active in social media in accordance with the site rules. Second of all, there is not a 13 year old mature enough to navigate the freedom Facebook provides without some supervision and guidance. Thirdly, social media is dangerous- and children need to be watched.

I am not advocating spying on your child. I am saying- as a parent- you need to have access to your child’s accounts. You need to log on several times daily and read the messages coming in. Without a password- you have no idea who she is actually talking to and about what. Let your child know their participation in social media will not be "private." Make sure you know their "friends." Look at the "friends"- read their walls. Talk to your child about questionable content on the walls of others and let you child know you will act upon inappropriate behavior on their wall and that can include calling the parent of the other child.

If none of this gets your attention- you are not Clever- so let me hit you over the head with it. Children are killing themselves in response to the intense harassment going on in social media. Parents are posing as "children" to harass their child’s rivals. It’s really freaking gross and you have an obligation to police your child, protect your child, defend them and expect proper conduct from them not only online but in life.

Very Clever parents raise children who respect themselves and others- who are strong enough to stand up to bullies because they know they are loved, supported and cared for by their parents. Clever parents are involved. They do not hover or spy, but they make clear to their children they are watching and are not afraid to challenge behavior and bad decision making.

Kayla’s mom is going to scratch her head when her daughter ends up kicked out of school and or in reform school. "We were so close! How did this happen?"

Because you are So Very NOT Clever and you weren’t a parent to your daughter.

4 comments:

  1. This is why the naming convention for a network connection in Facebook- the friend- is so unfortunate. Parents should be Facebook friends with their children. That's a great way to monitor their online behavior. But a network connection and a friendship are two different things.

    I agree that great parents don't hover, but don't spy? Really? I think the tendency for modern parents to "respect privacy" of children in their care is misguided and dangerous.

    You & I are in agreement about the proper relationship between kids and adults. But I wonder if we agree when it comes to snooping around, to learn all we can about what they are up to?

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  2. Bill-
    OMGOSH- I might need to re-read my post- I totally advocate going through a child's room, drawers- text books- back packs etc ... but, letting them know all things in your house are your domain and it will be monitored is a great way of doing your "snooping."
    If there is something you need to hide from me- don't hide it in my house because you have NO privacy here- is a great policy. It gives them the idea that if they need to hide something- they shouldn't be involved in it to begin with it.
    Tell me more about "network connection" and I need to make sure my blog is CLEAR.
    Thank you for your feedback- you are one of the most diligent parents I've met. So Very Clever Daddy.
    X
    CG

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  3. I'm not sure that I agree that you SHOULD be facebook friends with your kids. I would suggest that the morality and belief system that you impart unto your children is what really counts. If you screw that up, then having their facebook password or being their FB friend is pointless. Perhaps what I'm really trying to articulate is that all this facebook stuff is just a more contemporary opportunity to make the larger point-- be involved in your kids' lives, and be intentional in how you want them to turn out. Controlling what they say or do on facebook is in my eyes irrelevant, and smacks of desperate, ill-informed parenting. I don't want to control my kids. I want to equip them with the values and the skills to make their own choices, and to learn from their mistakes with me supporting them every step of the way. When the time comes for my kids to join in on the facebook fun, you can bet I will have full access to their account. But being their FB friend is not even on my radar. FB is an outlet for them to relate to their peers at a time in their lives then that group is VERY important to them, and a way for them to express themselves and develop their personalities. I need to know what they're doing, and I need to stay involved in what they're doing. But I think being their FB friend might just encourage them to hide things.

    And as a little heads up, any parent who is interested in really snooping should get their kids the new KIN or KIN2 phones from Microsoft. They automatically back up all texts, emails, social networking updates and photos to the Microsoft cloud, accessible from any PC with internet access. This design was intended to give users better data protection, but also doubles as a great way for parents to stay close to the content of their kids' communications.

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  4. Eric-
    It always makes me happy when someone can re-articulate my own thoughts.
    I could not agree more. Our jobs are to raise our children and instill the values, morals and ethics necessary to equip them with life. In a perfect world, none of us would have to check in with our perfectly raised children- however, peer pressure is strong and even the best raised children fall prey to it.
    The core strengths for children are love, time, support, encouragement, honesty, good decision making, compassion, social awareness, self-confidence, self-respect and respect for others. Of course, that's just me.
    What I am saying, as Bill reminded me later as he forgot to include in his comment above, is that parents who disregard age restrictions on social media sites do so at their own peril. Two reasons why this is perilous. 1) You are telling your child rules (which turn into laws later) don't apply to them. 2) I do not know a twelve or thirteen year old child who is mature enough to navigate social media without strict supervision.
    I like what Bill said about being "friends" with your child and having a "network connection" there is a big difference.
    It does happen, to be honest, Eric, regardless of a parent's best efforts with a child that the kid is wired wrong- and the need to constantly monitor "who, what, where, when, why and how" is critical to the child's well being. Some children just "aren't right." Granted, normally there are deeper issues- but given that- thank you so much for telling me about the KIN and KIN2- I'll check them out and give a head's up to all the parents who are struggling.
    One reason I see parents struggle is because the "teachings" start too late. They make excuses for bad behavior while the child is very young- "oh, she's only three"- the next things you know- "she's only ten." Suddenly, the parents have no control and they are grappling with a child who does not play by rules.
    Love is spelled- TIME. Being involved- participating in their lives, their hobbies, being THERE.
    I have no doubt you are a Very Clever Daddy.
    Please continue to provide me with your commentary (unless I don't agree with it- haha).
    x
    CG

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