Thursday, January 21, 2010

A Top Shelf Goal- Not Margarita


OK, Clever Girls- it’s time to talk hockey again. What good are the rules if you don’t know the terminology? I will soften the blow here by adding a recipe at the bottom and pique your interest with some HOT HOT photos of the Dallas Stars.

Assist- the person who handles the puck prior to the person who actually scores the goal is credited with an assist. Only two people can be credited with assists per goal. Also, a credit given to the friend who helps you acquire a date with a totally hot dude who loves hockey.

Backchecking- when the players rush back to the defending zone when the opposing team is on the attack. This is similar to the last look you give in the mirror to make certain your skirt is not hung up on your panties or you don't have toilet paper hanging from your shoe.

Backhand shot- a shot taken using the back side of the blade of the hockey stick. This is much more exciting than that "compliment" from your mother-in-law.

Blind pass- a pass made from one player to another without looking. Hockey is so intuitive and the best players operate on instinct a great deal of the time. This is evidence of the faith they have their teammates are in position. Not to be confused with the "hail mary" at 1:58 a.m. just before the last guests are kicked out of the bar.

Boarding- hitting a player from behind and shoving them into the boards (walls surrounding the ice). This can go horribly wrong as it did with a cheap boarding incident on Kris Draper of the Red Wings by then Avalanche player Claude Lemeiux. Kris’ face was literally crushed. Different from getting on the plane.

Body checking- using the body to take a player to the ice or into the boards. We all do it- admit it! From a distance, up close- it is impossible not to do the once-over.

Breakaway- one of the most exciting plays in all of hockey and the perfect opportunity for players to showcase their skill. The player with possession of the puck has no defenders between he and the goal- other than the goalie, of course. You will see speed, agility, grace and calculation between the player and the goalie. Also a term that can be used to describe your release from a dismal interaction with the dude you have been trying to avoid all night. Cut it short next time by calling your gynecologist for "results." Hell, just the word gynecologist is enough to have guys squirming.

Check or checking- two methods by which to interrupt the play. With the body or the stick- it is legal to make contact with the play in possession of the puck or the player last to have possession. Yes, this is another name for the bill- which you should not be disinclined to pay occasionally.

Clearing the puck- a defenders method of getting the puck out of their own defending zone and into their attacking zone.

Crease- the blue ice in front of each net. Just get some Botox- everyone is doing it.

Cross bar- the horizontal bar at the top of the net. I know it sounds like football- but it is hockey.

Delayed offsides- when a player enters their attacking zone ahead of the puck without touching it. The call is delayed to see who touches the puck first.

Delayed penalty- if the team not in possession of the puck earns a penalty, the ref will raise his arm to indicate one will be called but does not stop the play until or if the offending team touches the puck.

Drop pass- another fascinating play. The player in possession of the puck literally drops it and another player picks it up.

Empty net goal or empty net- within the final two minutes of a game, the goaltender of the team that is behind might be pulled to allow an extra forward on the ice, thereby increasing the chance of scoring and tying the game. If the opposing team puts the puck in the empty net, it is an empty net goal. Not empty NEST- empty NET.

Five hole- the gap between a goaltender’s legs. I don't think there is a Clever way to turn this phrase.

Goal line- the line in front of the goal the puck must cross completely to be considered a goal.

Hand pass- just like it sounds- this is legal in one’s defensive zone but not in the neutral zone or attacking zone. Not advisable, unless you are on your third date.

Hat trick- three goals in one game. Different from a Gordie Howe Hat trick- one goal, one assist and one fight in one game. Count on Brenden Morrow to be a leader with this honor. This is not when you "jokingly" grab a guys hat from his head only to reveal his male-pattern baldness.

Odd man rush- when the offense enters the attacking zone and outnumbers the defenders in the zone. You seem him coming from a mile away- take yourself out of his path- quickly.

Screened shot- a shot the goalie cannot see due to it being obscured by other players.

Slapshot- other than the famous movie- this is a hard shot with a big set up. You do not want to be in front of it. The one you WANT to give your mother-in-law.

Top shelf- a goal that enters the top portion of the net. Yes, it is also a margarita.

Zamboni- is the huge thing that looks like a truck that prepares the ice for play. Not called a Lebowski.

OK, I have left out any terminology relating to penalties because it is a section all its own. We can put that off for a while because we have plenty of time left in the season. One question- what is up with my RED WINGS? ARRRRG. It should be stated that this is not a comprehensive list of terminology, as I have to leave you with some questions to ask- during commercials or breaks. Guys love to impart knowledge, so ask questions even if you know the answer. Imagine his surprise when you notice a feisty winger has already scored a goal and an assist and you say- "As soon as he whips someone's ass, he will have a Gordie Howe hat trick!"

Anyone hungry? I was craving a Northern classic- stuffed peppers- yum. I thought I would share this recipe- though there are a few twists.


What you need for stuffed peppers

Brown rice

2 large cans of crushed tomatoes, tomato sauce or diced tomatoes. If you can, get the ones that have Italian spices already added- it only helps to enhance the spices you add.

4 large red, yellow, orange or green peppers

Garlic powder

Dried oregano

2 lbs. ground beef- or for a twist on this recipe- ground lamb

Freshly grated parmesan (if you select the ground lamb route- purchase some feta crumbles)

Elective ingredients are- ½ a red onion, finely chopped; four cloves fresh garlic, minced; and 10 leaves of fresh basil, chopped.

OK- it's time to get your hands dirty.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Prepare two cups of brown rice

Place the ground beef in a large mixing bowl- add a generous amount of dried oregano and garlic powder, and a fair amount of salt. Add the cooked brown rice to the bowl and mix well. If you choose to use the elective ingredients- add them now.

Slice off just the top of the peppers- remove the core and clean. Slice off the bottom so as not going quite through the pepper but enough to create an almost flat bottom. Place the peppers upright in a casserole dish.

Place the tomato sauce in a pan. Add a generous amount of oregano, garlic powder and salt. Heat.

Once the sauce is warmed through- put a large spoonful into the bottom of each pepper- fill the peppers the rest of the way with the ground beef mixture. Leave room on the top for another spoon of tomato sauce- sprinkle with parmesan cheese. If you have gone the lamb route- top with feta crumbles instead of parmesan.

Pour a generous amount of the tomato sauce into the bottom of the casserole dish. Put peppers into the oven and bake at 350 for 45 minutes.

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