Kids are clever- there is no doubt. Not to be confused with Clever. If you have a clever child, you can bet they will best you at every turn in matters of technology, drugs, alcohol and sex.
I know I have some young readers, so I hesitate to give them ideas here- but I have a feeling most kids already know this and few parents do. Have you ever used lemon extract? To make, let’s say, lemon bars (not me, because I don’t bake or like sugar- but some of you do enjoy both baking and sugar) or lemon blah, blah, blah? Head to your kitchen and look at the bottle or box- what are you looking for? The alcohol content.
It will light your hair on fire- literally. With a poorly managed match or lighter and a bottle of extract- you could light your hair on fire because it is between 83 and 89 percent alcohol. Let me give you some perspective. Beer is generally below six percent (some higher). Champagne hovers at about 12 percent, wine, 12 percent, and hard liquor, 12 percent. Again, these are not hard and fast figures, but I hope you are tracking with me on this.
Lemon, vanilla and some other extracts are almost 180 proof. This is similar to everclear, or grain alcohol, which is about 76 percent alcohol or 151 proof. You remember everclear from college (or maybe you don't because you blacked out) or if you live in Austin- I believe Baby Acapulco’s makes their margaritas with everclear and you are allowed to order only one by restaurant policy.
What is the point to all this, you might wonder? Well, I am glad you asked. A VERY Clever Mommy I know stumbled onto a grocery bag full of bottles of lemon extract during a co-ed party she was hosting for her 17-year-old son. She and her Clever husband quickly consulted the Internet to find a connection between extract and teenagers- as it would take the average baker about 10 life times to use that much extract and she’d never seen her son in the kitchen.
The results were immediate and astounding. According to Urban Dictionary (again, something you should not rely on for ANYTHING other than to figure out what you kids are eating, drinking, smoking, ingesting or experimenting with behind your back) the definition of lemon extract is the strongest alcoholic beverage that an underage person can legally buy. It’s usually sold in 1 oz. bottles for about $4 each, so it’s not at all cheap. However, the alcohol content can be as high as 84% (168 proof), so it’s almost worth it. Also, it burns worse than any other alcoholic beverage going down. Don’t shoot it.
Great advice here. The "good" news is a young child could actually kill themselves for under $4- what a bargain. Or, if someone buys if for them- they can kill themselves for free via alcohol poisoning.
Honestly, I can’t thank the founders of this website enough for being a source of all things unsavory, ill-advised, scandalous, inappropriate, lethal, dangerous, raunchy and disgusting. It warms my soul young children are stumbling onto this site and learning terms like … well, never mind- visit it yourself.
So, Clever Mom then evaluated the guests and realized many of the girls were in fact inebriated- at least two passed out cold (sleeping), one puking (from cramps) and the other shaking uncontrollably (who the hell knows- could have been a drug and alcohol reaction). She confronted her son, he admitted knowledge of the activities, but said he didn’t plan on trying it.
I know a couple of things from being a teenager- saying you weren't going to try it is a lie. Saying you don't know who brought it into the home is a lie. Stipulating you don't know who already consumed or partook in the contraband is a lie. My parents were clear that whomever visited my home was my responsibility. So, if I’d have had knowledge kids were getting messed up on ANYTHING- and didn’t tell my parents- I’d have been toast.
I only had to screw that up once when a girlfriend and I decided to partake in some cherry liquor mixed with diet RC cola, which we enjoyed until we puked and passed out in it- NOT CLEVER. It did me no good to blame it on her for bringing it- I was responsible not only for her, but for my own idiocy. It was a long, boring summer being grounded. Still burns me she didn’t get grounded because she had three older sisters and her parents thought she’d “suffered enough” because we were miserably sick the next day.
The point it- kids are going to find a way to drink- but in this case, it is accessible, potentially very harmful as an entire bottle could kill a child and all the rage. Consider this a heads up for you Clever Parents- and to my lovely Clever Young Ladies- party’s over. Do NOT come home smelling strongly of vanilla, lemon or mint.
I want to applaud the Clever Parents in this scenario because they helped expose a rapidly growing, dangerous trend among children. The situation was handled well and no one died. The parents are still shocked because “These are good kids- from good homes. The girl that brought the bag of extract gets straight A's.”
Here is an alarming statement from a behavior modification therapist with whom I spoke: “The problem is, now it is cool to be bad. There are no reputations to preserve.” So, get with the program, parents. Just because your kid is maintaining a 4.0 GPA or serves as president of the student body doesn’t mean they aren’t engaging in dangerous and subversive behavior.
I wonder what would happen if schools installed video cameras in every classroom so parents could log on to watch their child periodically throughout the day. I bet there would be less behavioral problems at school and more parental accountability. If I had a dime for every time I heard a parent say- “Well, that just doesn’t sound like …”, “Well, he doesn’t act like that at home …” “I have a hard time believing it was my daughter who …” Wake up, parents- your kids live a totally different life at school. They are not necessarily the charming little darlings who delight your friends and family members with their manners and winsome attitudes. Don’t be so quick to assume the teacher “has it in” for your child. These are trained professionals and they have seen it ALL.
I was talking to a preschool teacher the other day and I said- “Can you tell which kids—“ and he finished for me “Are going to jail? Yes.” I laughed heartily because that wasn’t what I was going to ask- I was going to say, “Can you tell the kids who aren’t wired properly?” He laughed and said- “Oh, yeah. We have one kid I have to watch every second because he is sneaky and a little creepy.” Not what one wants to hear about a four year old.
The point is- of course our children are perfect- right? Wrong. They are human. They will make mistakes- but the more clever (cunning and artful) yours is, the more Clever (purposeful and intentional) you need to be as a parent. One wrong move and you could be the parent saying- “He’s a good kid, I don’t understand how this happened …” I just hope it’s not at his funeral or trial.
Ok, Clever Tribe, I am thinking of posting some Clever fiction for download. Chapter by chapter- free to my readers. Let me get some feedback on that. Tomorrow I'll answer some legitimate concerns some people interested in trying hot yoga have. Wednesday I need to scream at the top of my lungs and then on Thursday I have been asked to get my booty in gear on the wedding planning.
If you are planning a wedding or a friend is- you can find some valuable articles written by- you guessed it- ME at this hot link.
Domani-
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