I got to thinking today about the “Policy of Truth” by Depeche Mode. Before we move forward- as friends, you should know, I am a huge fan of this band and have been for so long I might date myself were I to adhere to the policy of truth. The reason I was thinking about this was because I was confronted with two scenarios in the past week where infidelity was at the core. While I was enjoying some tea last week, I overheard the following conversation.
“Well, Dan told me he had an affair.”
“What? Oh my God! Are you OK?”
“Not really.”
“Of course not. Geez. I’m so sorry.”
“Me, too. Now I have to do something.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t care. It doesn’t change the fact that I love him and want to be married to him. I suspected he was not faithful for a while- but confronting him seemed like the quickest way to end my marriage- and that is not what I want. So, now he feels like he’s destroyed our marriage and is moving out because he is unworthy of me.”
I had to stop listening there. I get what she is saying. He shifted the burden. He couldn’t handle it anymore- the guilt- and so he shared it with her. All he really did in relieving himself was to burden her.
There is a social psychologist at the University of Minnesota conducting some fascinating work on interpersonal relationships. I encountered her teachings while I was in college and some of her concepts have resonated all this time- and yes, it has been a loooong time. Her name is Ellen Bercheid and she is So Very Clever.
Most notably is the idea that sometimes a close relationship has to go through an upheaval of sorts in order for people to come back together. In some cases it’s an affair, or a death in the family- or even the threat of divorce.
Since we are talking about affairs- I’ll stay focused. In my estimation- in some relationships which have truly grown stagnant- an affair has been the inciting incident waking each other up and forcing them to take inventory of the relationship. Is it worthwhile? Is it salvageable? Do either of them want to salvage it?
Other times an affair can be one person’s way of forcing the hand of their partner. If they know an affair is unforgivable, entering into one, with the intention of “getting caught” or revealing the infidelity is a calculated way to begin the uncoupling process.
I wanted to let the woman above know this likely means he has uncoupled. If he loved his wife and wanted the marriage to stay intact he’d have fallen to his knees and begged forgiveness. If he regretted his actions and came to learn, through such a massive shake-up the value of his family, they’d work together to work through it.
However, instead he is moving out because he feels “unworthy” of her. This sounds made up to me. Heck, he might not even have had an affair- maybe he just “wanted out” and didn’t know how to get out. We discussed before that if someone wants to dissolve your relationship, whether it is a friendship or a partnership or a marriage, you need to exercise dignity and respect. In this case, I think a long talk would be worthwhile before she lets go of her marriage.
She has a right to ask why he had an affair. Frankly, it could enlighten her to some aspects of her “marital conduct”- perhaps she isn’t a good wife or the wife he expected her to be. Granted, it would have been a better idea to communicate such as opposed to having an affair. However, maybe he did communicate it to her. What if he had encouraged her for years to get back into the shape she was in when they married- what if she simply didn’t do it? She always found a reason not to lose the weight. Perhaps he’d been honest with her regarding his sex drive and attraction to her- not only had it diminished physically, but he was feeling hurt and taken for granted because she didn’t feel it necessary to stay appealing for him. Maybe he just wanted to have sex with someone who desired him and looked good to him.
Or, maybe he was panicking the way some do as they reach mid-life- wanted to prove himself attractive to others- still viable and appealing. This is not unusual for either sex- women have mid-life crises as well.
Maybe he cheated because his wife doesn’t champion him anymore, make him feel important and admire his accomplishments. Perhaps they no longer discuss their respective professional endeavors and have grown apart completely- finding comfort and solace in those a work who “understand” them.
Could he have come to learn they have nothing in common? People are dynamic- rarely are they unchanging- so, it is likely individuals will grow and change through out the course of any long-standing relationship. The option is to stay engaged or to invest elsewhere.
If you are married- think about the reality of marriage for a moment- is it better than you expected? Different? Not at all what you signed on for?
If you are not married- what are your expectations for marriage? I highly recommend sharing those as an engaged couple- because as you grow and change- so too will your desires and expectations for yourselves and each other. Further, you might think you know what type of parent you intend to be- and then BOOM- there is a little person and all of the forethought seems irrelevant- subjugated to emotion. This is truly one time when reason is trumped by emotion and it seems, well, reasonable.
The fact is- there are hundreds of reasons people are unfaithful. Another fact is that an affair is not the problem but a symptom of a problem in the marriage. It can be a catalyst to dig into the marriage and do the work you have been avoiding, ignoring or refusing to do. Often, the threat of losing the one you love is what it takes to wake up and be a better wife, mother, husband, father, son or friend.
The other scenario of which I became a part was during a party when a bunch of people I knew were “gossiping” about a woman who wasn’t there. Seems she cheated on her husband. Everyone was willing so indict her on the spot.
“Oh, poor Mark. What he must be going through. I can’t imagine- they have only been married for four years- and with a new baby.”
There was a ton of "tsk-tsking" and it was irritating me. With the crowd I was in- "tsk-tsking" is their way of saying- thank god it’s not me. I asked if anyone had talked to her and they all looked at me like I’d arrived fresh from a leper colony.
I stepped outside and called our friend- Tara.
“I can’t believe you are calling me.”
“Why?”
“Everyone knows.”
“So.”
“So?”
“Are you OK?”
“No.” She dissolved into tears and I waited many long moments while she tried and failed to communicate. I offered to meet her for a glass of wine and she agreed.
During our conversation I learned things about her marriage no one knew. Things she had protected for him and for them as his business and their livelihood would have been affected greatly. It would seem he is extremely mentally ill and has been most of his life. Since she met him, he’d been highly medicated and was not honest about his condition. His family was not honest about it. Her pregnancy in some way derailed him and he’d gone off his medication completely, leaving her to share her home and her life with someone she didn’t know.
For two years she battled with him to get help, to go back on his medication. She saw a therapist herself and researched his illness intently. Having gone off his medication, he could not sustain his job and within a couple of years, they had burned through their entire savings and he’d been put on medical leave. As with many mental conditions- self medication is exactly what the patient orders- so, he began the spiral. She was lonely and afraid for herself and her child. She confident in no one as she tried to maintain the appearance of normalcy.
During a long visit with her father while her husband was in a residential treatment center- she was reunited with her first love. She tried to fight the urge to spend time with him, but the fact was- he seemed safe. As they tend to, one thing led to another. Now, she has decided to stay with her husband as they have a young son and he has promised to remain in treatment and continue his medication.
HOWEVER. Her faith, love and trust has been damaged as well as her respect for him as a man, a husband and a father. She struggled mightily with her infidelity and finally told him. After much thought and with a clearer mind,he determined as long as she abandoned the affair- he would consider it the past. She is not sure she can restore her feelings for her husband- or let go the feelings for her lover.
Now, does this sound like a situation anyone outside the marriage should be judging or commenting on? NO. Again, and I brought it up when we talked about Tiger- it’s really no one else’s business. So, in this case- the abuse and horror Tara had endured for four years is now compounded by her “friends” not only gossiping about her, but judging her and turning on her. Unacceptable.
All that to say this: If one of your friends seems to have done something with which you don't agree- go to them, talk to them. It might turn out you agree with them after all. The measure of the friend you are is the friend you are when things fall apart. Don't be a fair-weather friend. NOT CLEVER.
Ok, are we done with the holidays for a while? Geez. Feel like I never get anything done. We do need to cover some more wedding planning- as the bulk of couples get engaged between November 1 and February 14. I want to make sure you are ready to begin.
I'd like to start an MMA series, discuss kettlebells and check in with the NHL and the NBA. I suppose I should weigh in on yet another steroid controversy and see what is happening with Mike Leach.
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