Just Say "NO"

Now that I am officially 100, I am feeling both wizened and sage. I thought I would share with you a situation I encountered yesterday- on my birthday- as I was having lunch with the Big H and Tams. A woman came in with her two children and obviously was not focused on either of them. She was on the phone, or texting, and they were bored and frustrated. None of this interested me, as it seems the norm these days to be completely disconnected from everyone except the people you are not actually with.

I couldn’t help but notice her wrestling with situations and wondered- why doesn’t she just tell them what to do? The bargaining, striking of deals and bribing wasn’t working- why didn’t she just say “no?” She’d done every thing else to try to get the kids to the table, to sit still and to eat and then all things were made clear. She struck up a conversation with the waitress and I overheard her say- “We don’t use the word no at home.”

My mind fast-forwarded to her youngest being offered drugs and not being able to say “no.” If “no” means “no”- where would that leave these children?

It got me thinking about the role “no” plays in society. Have you ever noticed you are considered rude if you use “no” without a qualifier? Think about it.

“Hey, do you want to meet me for a drink?”

“No.” Rude.

“No, I’m sorry I can’t.” Totally acceptable.

“Can you pick me up?”

“No.” Rude

“No, my car is in the shop.” Totally acceptable.

Interesting. Try it sometime and the other person will be shocked and maybe appalled depending on what they have asked of you. Now, back to the issue above.

It seems parents are so afraid to parent- to be unpopular- they are going this far? Far enough the word “no” is not used in the home? If you are not going to use “no”- what is the point of asking permission? So, the kids above never said- “May I get down and walk around the restaurant?”- they just did what ever they wanted. I watched her grapple- “I’d like you to come back here …” “It would be really nice if you’d sit with me and eat …” “That candle is not a toy …” I couldn’t help thinking how much easier her life would be if her 5 year old said- “Mommy, may I go say hello to that little girl?” Then her mother could say- “No, sweetheart. It’s time to eat right now and when you are finished, if she is still here, you may go visit.”

If parents don’t say “no” how are children going to learn how to say “no?” As they grow older, they will be bombarded with situations, which will require a FIRM and unqualified “NO!” If they have never heard it and don’t know the impact of being told “no”- how can they defend themselves?

“Hey, you want some Ecstacy?”

“I’d rather not.”

“Come on- you will love it.”

“I’m OK right now, thank you.”

“Seriously, you have to try it.”

The cajoling will go on and on and on until the offer is accepted.

OR

“Hey, do you want to try some acid?”

“No.”

End of story.

Children need to learn to say “no.” It could save their lives.

I wanted to get up and say- “Just say NO!” It’s OK, you are not hurting them or crushing your spirit. But, then I heard her say “No is such an ugly and unnecessary word.”

Hmmm. It is necessary because it means the opposite of “yes,” and when you don’t want to say yes, you should feel comfortable saying “no.”

“No. I don’t do drugs.”

“No. I don’t want you to touch me.”

“No. I don’t drink. I’m only 10.”

“No, it’s not OK for you to do that.”

“No, I don’t want to go out with you.”

OR

“No.”

“No.”

“No.” To all of the above unqualified.

As far as it being an “ugly” word? Is it ugly because it means you are not getting what you want? What is ugly about it? Telling a child “no” is giving them boundaries and respect for others by placing expectations on their behavior.

“Mommy, may I stand on the table?”

“No. That is not appropriate in a restaurant or at home.”

“May I have dessert?”

“No, not until you eat dinner.”

Children need to ask permission before they do things so they understand how important it is. You don’t want them getting out of bed and letting themselves out the front door. If they think they need to ask permission to do things- they won’t do them without asking permission.

They won’t help themselves to a bottle of baby aspirin or drink an entire glass of wine unattended. They will come to you and ask if they may- and you will say- “No.” Qualifying at times will make an unqualified “no” all the more impacting when you have to yell it to stop your child from stepping off a curb- it will get their attention.

“Mom, can I stay out until 1 a.m.?”

“No.”

Another thing about a firm no- it is less likely to meet resistant or argument.

“Hey, let’s skip class and smoke some pot.”

“No, we might get in trouble.”

“We won’t get in trouble. You haven’t missed one class all year.”

“Well, my mom might smell it on me.”

“Don’t worry, we can stop at my house and shower and change.”

When all the kid really wanted to say is, “No.”

Sex is another issue. You want them to be able to say, “No.” Not, “No, it’s wrong.” “No, I don’t feel like it’s right.” “No, my mom would be upset if she found out.” All your kids are going to get with a weak and qualified "no" is a challenge and eventually talked into what they didn’t feel right about doing to begin with.

Empower them by being powerful. Teach them. Guide them.

On the flip side, I applauded a Clever Mommy at Starbucks this morning. When her 4-year-old son reached for the giant container of cinnamon after being authorized to go get a napkin- he looked to her first askance, and she didn’t bargain, cajole or bribe. She didn’t disrupt the other guests by yelling out to him. She mouthed “no” and he responded. Well done.

To the exhausted and frustrated mommy having sushi- just say “No.” It’s easy and you might save your child’s life- if not, at least your sanity and that of the other people paying a fortune for a dining experience.

Ok, Clever Tribe- there is a “surprise” party planned for me tonight- but you’d have to be So Very Clever to pull one over on me so ... I need to get ready.