IF ... THEN

Good morning, Clever Tribe- you may or may not have noticed I took a couple much needed days off. If I am going to get that emotional over a football game- it’s probably time to relax my mind.

This post is for you, girls- and I say girls because I am thinking some of you might not yet be Clever. It’s a process- painful at times, and we all have to go through it. Why? Well, we are not born Clever- at least not as it relates to interpersonal dynamics. We have to learn about the world around us, the “rules” of interaction and then dissect it and be So Very Clever when we make it work for us.

Now- the first thing we need to discuss is whining and complaining because quite frankly they are the diametrically opposed to CLEVER. Not to mention it is exceedingly annoying not only to your friends, but especially Clever Guys (and me). Why? Because it means you are not DOING anything. As I have stated repeatedly, the Clever initiative is about DOING- making an effort, being intentional and living with a purpose. I am not here to dictate your purpose- just to encourage you to have one. We all need a purpose- or we literally are human waste.

So … I have received many e-mails (and yes, I would prefer you post your comments on the blog- do not worry, it makes no record of your identity) from girls who delineate the dating process. I can see cracks in the pavement from 30 thousand feet- why can’t they? Hmmm. Because life, and living, becomes habitual. So, as part of our being resolute this year- it is time to break old records of the past and make all things NEW.

How can we do this? We have to destroy the If- Then paradigm to which we have been dedicated. As I read these whiny and annoying e-mails- it is obvious you approach every date the same- so IF … THEN. If you treat each person and each date the same- how could they turn out any different? Hoping you will finally stumble onto the dude who makes this formula work is like carrying around a glass slipper. It takes too long and you have to endure a lot of disappointment. Further- if they are all turning out the same way- there seems to be a common denominator- YOU. This means if you are not happy with the way things are going … YOU need to examine what you are doing. What are you doing?

Talking about yourself too much? Discussing subjects interesting only to you? Not redirecting the conversation to him after he is kind enough to inquire about you? Categorically rejecting subjects he brings up as they relate to the male realm? I feel like we’ve gotten off track or diverted a bit from one of the main focuses of the Clever agenda- and that is to encourage women to explore the male realm. I have to tell you, ladies- it is steamy in there. And a woman who is versed in male speak and informed on subjects men enjoy (hunting aside)? That in itself will SHATTER your IF … THEN issue.

So- we are done with the way we did it on the last date. It’s Monday and that gives us feasibly Tuesday and Wednesday to explore some Mandom. Random Mandom- so, you need to read all of the blog entries in the Being a Guy’s Girl portion of the blog. Let’s keep in mind- this isn’t read and memorize- but read and further investigate. Let’s put on our horn-rimmed glasses, pencil skirts and sky-high heels and do some research. Oh, and if you can find thigh-high stockings with a seam in back (impossible right now)- Clever Guys dig them. Why are we getting dressed up to do some research? Because dabbling in male fantasy is fun- and sexy- oh, and I’d rather put on this outfit than a French maid's uniform (because I think that in some way indicates I might clean something).

Our next date- surely you know SOMETHING about him? Perhaps you have met him before? Or, chatted with him on the phone? Online? Have been set up on a blind date? Either way, you have a window- however small it might be- you have a window. So … slide it open, hoist yourself up and slip in. Now … get to work.

He is an attorney- that means he took the LSAT, and that means he uses words we like to call Vocabulary. These are not normal words- see above- delineate, categorically and diametric. It is (somehow) possible to be a complete dumb ass and still become an attorney- but the LSAT is a difficult test and law school requires more than a heart beat- so bring your best conversational skills to the table.

If he’s a doctor- again, you can pretty much rule out Total Dumb Ass here. Medical school is not like a Sunday drive. Making it through requires determination, conviction, brain power and desire- so, be sharp with him. Many people become doctors for a reason- find out what it is- oh, and avoid questions like “So, why did you become a doctor?” or, be prepared to wake him after you say it. How about this? “An anesthesiologist? You take people as close to death as they will ever get while they are alive. Amazing. Do you love what you do?” Oh, and if you can convince him to purchase the vanity plate that reads “UNDER”- I’ll be forever grateful- it’s just too perfect.

MMM- he builds websites. Here’s a boring way to initiate conversation. “How did you get into that?” Snoring- which is a delightful word- kind of a sniglet and in this case I am going to deem it an adjective. Combine boring and snore for Snoring. I have a degree in writing so I am allowed to do things like this- don’t try it at home unless you have the street cred to back it up. Instead, how about- “Really? Has that become more challenging with all of the companies popping up that offer templates and make-your-own sites?” This will give him a great opportunity to showcase his value, worth and prowess in his field. Make sure you remain riveted on him while he is speaking.

I have friend who is gifted with focus. When I speak to him- regardless of what is happening about us- he is entirely engaged in what I am saying- even if it isn’t really that interesting- which is rarely (haha). Sadly, he is this way with everyone- I see him cheating on me by focusing on others when they are speaking (and then I just sigh and realize how lucky THEY are for that moment in time). The point is- it makes me feel valued and appreciated- heard. People want to be heard. LISTEN. Speak less and listen. Listening alone might be sufficient to alter your IF … THEN issue.

So, I think we should finish our tool series tomorrow- I need to predict Mike Leach will be not be accepting any job offers right away. I actually put money on the fact Elin Woods would divorce Tiger- which seems kind of callous. I didn’t do so in hopes she would- but was more betting on the situation. My friend who sits on the other side of this wager thinks she will stay with him. Now, that opens up a whole diatribe for me.

Simply this. If Tiger had fallen in love with another woman within the confines of his marriage- had maintained a secret affair, that would be one thing. Perhaps he and Elin could discuss why that happened and it may be as simple as he rushed into marriage with her or things changed after children … either way, this is not what happened. I have to guess Tiger might have found marriage the perfect cover for his desires to uh ... "party." Had he done so while he was single it would have made all the papers. So, in order to maintain a shred of self-respect, she’d have to leave him. Perhaps he can work on his articulation of marriage and family and image and they could come back together at some point- but for now- she needs to recognize he didn’t fall in love with anyone else- it was buckshot.

Speaking of buckshot- let’s talk about handguns on Wednesday. Uber sexy- don’t turn your nose up at me!

OK, girls- go out there and be So Very Clever- all day- with every man you encounter. Look out, Clever Guys-I’m predicting a paradigm shift in your favor.