It’s that time of year, Clever Tribe- a new season, and the fashion industry has once again executed a few frauds on the unsuspecting. The biggest is a "jean" issue. I’m going to clue you into the real story. Certain body types look best in certain jeans. I, for example, look best in a low rise straight leg- so, I don’t attempt to wear a flare (make me look short) or a wide leg (shorter yet) or a high waist (to say this makes me look comical is an understatement- and I’ve been told I have a flair for understatement).
I stick with what looks best regardless of the fact it is critical for the fashion industry to change up jean styles COMPLETELY every three years. Why do they do this? So you buy a whole new collection of jeans. The first year you say- "I’m never wearing that." The next year, you think, "Hmm, the wide leg isn’t going away, I guess I need to try them on- I’m like, the only person still wearing straight leg!" By the next year you LOVE the wide leg and even the people who look equally bad in them are wearing them so it must look GOOD. Now that you are comfortable- it starts ALL over again. And it's never a gradual transition so you can phase out one look and ease into another. From lowest of low rise to high waist- from wide leg to skinny jeans- from flare to straight leg.
Next victim. Skinny jeans. No one looks good in them unless you are six feet tall and/or your thigh is the exact proportion of your calf. Now, in theory all of that sounds good, but in real life- your thigh is not supposed to be the same size as your calf and the average height of a woman in the United States is 5'5"- so ... Don’t misunderstand, I have seen four people who looked fantastic in skinny jeans- but I'm a realist and KNOW my ASS looks GINORMOUS (not sure if this is the proper spelling of the term coined in "Elf") in skinny jeans. This is not the way I want to feel allllll day.
You get my drift? Find styles that look exceptional on you and stick to them- don’t be a slave to the rules dictated to you by Vogue or Hollywood. Further, don’t assume just because Halle Barry is attractive that she looks good in skinny jeans- she doesn’t. She isn’t one of the four people I’ve seen who do look good in them.
This is how the conspiracy begins. Designers send (free of charge) the new year's designs to the biggest "stars" in Hollywood in hopes they will be worn. Now, since a vast number of those in our society live by a sheepesque mentality, the trend catches on and suddenly women who are 5' tall and 140 pounds are wearing the same skinny jeans as Sienna Miller. It makes no sense. Why would you willingly put something on that was NOT flattering? Not Clever.
Is this all I have to say? Oh, gosh no. In order to adequately convey my absolute distaste for the gladiator-esque footwear- which I consider a freaking travesty perpetrated on the public (again, just my opinion)- I am devoting most of an entire post to my displeasure.
Ok, let’s take the name of the "sandal"- gladiator. This connotes it is meant to resemble the footwear donned by gladiators of Ancient Rome. The good news is there is a fair resemblance. The bad news is they look absurd. Now, I have a feeling, back in third century B.C.E. the footwear options were not as extensive as they are now. I’m even willing to theorize at one point someone found being barefoot uncomfortable. In my mind’s eye, I see a Very Clever man (or woman) sitting in the midst of what can only be called remnants of animal pelts. What was left once the body coverings were carefully crafted. Perhaps, the scraps had been cleaned and had been left drying in the sun. Maybe there was a thicker piece, maybe from the flank of a cow. S/he stepped on it and realized his foot was protected from the ground underneath. The next logical thought might have been- "If I can just figure out a way to affix this to my foot. I might not have deep lacerations on the bottom of my foot all of the time. Perhaps less people would die of bacterial infections! Eureka!"
Maybe, initially, these longer scraps were simply wrapped, much like bandages, until stitching could be applied later. At any rate- this is a shoe born of necessity. Shoes have evolved and this look should have been left behind ,as we now have pieces of material which can cover the entire foot, such as in the case of a shoe or boot, or less material for a eye-catching (in a good way) strappy sandal. Fact is, since we no longer fight animals, criminals and others to the death in an arena cheered on by hundreds of onlookers, there is no reason to perpetuate the look.
I'm willing to make a unilateral statement (this is something I am not inclined to do regularly): These sandals/boots/shoes look absolutely repellant. I have not seen a single person wear them and been led to think, "Wow, that looks cute." Men in particular find them repugnant- so WHY wear them?
I saw the cutest girl the other day. Cohesive look, hippie chick, gorgeous flowing locks, whimsical apparel and bohemian jewelry, bright shining smile, radiant. I looked down and there they were. Her feet were clad in silver shin-height gladiator- what do you even call that? Shoe? Sandal? Bootie? Stupid looking? I wanted to inform the lovely little woodsprite she should not head into the arena. Even though her footwear had prepared her for combat- her clothing was not appropriate.
I know what you are thinking- I am being JUDGMENTAL. Hmmm. I wonder if the fact I am forming an opinion about an item not the person who dons it absolves me from being judgmental.
I had planned to take the day off, as I'm visiting someone in the hospital, but I was hit by the one-two on the way in. Wide-leg Capri-length jeans on a very diminutive woman who decided to finish off the ensemble with the ankle-height gladiator. BARF.
So there you have it. This is not the complete list of fashion infractions for summer- we can get to that soon.
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