From Zero to Intolerable in Eight Minutes

I’ve said this before and, frankly, it bears repeating. Not only are our words wands- they can also serve as weapons. Clever Girls think before they speak- they are intentional when they do speak. After all, you can actually get what you want or accomplish something with a well worded statement.

So there I was at my very favorite wine bar in the world, Mercy, in Addison, Texas. I was enjoying a glass of pinot gris at the bar while waiting for friends and was delighted to witness the beginnings of a first and obviously "blind" date.

Why do I say obviously? They had no real idea what the other looked like, other than what must have been sorely outmoded photos online, because there was evidence of vague recognition on his part, which settled into uneasy acknowledgement.

I thought her ill-fitting navy blue "business suit" looked awful and, once again, can't understand why it's so difficult to take an alternate outfit to work for a quick changeup to after-five attire. Keeping in mind, I’m not being judgmental, but if you are going wear a suit of any kind,it should fit. I’m going to assume it was that time of the month and thereby a bit more snug than usual.

"It’s great to finally meet you." I said it was obvious it was a first date. "I wasn’t sure I was at the right place." He gazed at his watch, not entirely masking his annoyance.

"Traffic," she offered as her only response to both his greeting and reference to her being late without letting him know.

She hoisted herself up onto one of the highboy chairs at the cocktail table and began checking her phone, which she then set on the table, and dropped her purse next to her after pulling out some hand lotion that she hurriedly applied while gazing around for a waiter.

"Have you ordered yet?" she asked and he nodded just as the waiter put down an empty red wine glass and from a mini-carafe poured a half glass of wine. He expertly sampled the offering and thanked the waiter.

"May I get you a glass of wine?" the waiter asked.

"Oh, God no. Tea?" Her date’s eyes widened and then the brow furrowed a bit.

"God no? As in, you don’t drink?"

"Nope."

"Why did you suggest a wine bar?"

"Because I knew you were a drinker. Jim told me." He recoiled, as did I at the way she said "drinker." She may as well have said- "I knew you were a pedophile so I thought we should meet at the playground."

"If, by drinker, you mean I drink- yes, I do." He was annoyed. I was annoyed. She seemed vastly uninterested, though if she were interested, her body language was telling a different story.

"Well, yeah, whatever. You drink. I don’t." There are few things us drinkers hate more than drinking alone, or drinking alone when we are with someone. For the social drinker, we are drinking as part of the social interaction. For him, it might be a way to sooth his rapidly fraying nerves.

"I don’t have to drink or need to drink, so we didn’t have to come to a wine bar."

"So." She folded her arms on the table and leveled an eye on him finally to evaluate his appearance. "Your hair is thinning."

"What?" Instinctually, he brought a hand up to his hair and smoothed it back. It didn’t look thin to me and I was close enough to scan for hints of male pattern balding. Clear.

"I mean, it looks thicker in your Facebook picture."

"Oh." He raised his glass in tandem with me and we both took a long drink- wondering how long we could endure this date. I longed to go to the restroom and emerge, march straight over to his table and give him a lingering hug. Tell him how great it was to see him again and how sorry I was things didn’t work out between us. Perhaps when he was less busy with the transition on his promotion (which I overheard before her arrival)- maybe we could try again. I’d heard him on the phone and he was honestly enthused to meet her, knew from friends she was a successful saleswoman for a pharmaceutical company and seemed engaging in their brief chats on Facebook. He wasn’t being treated fairly.

As if to punctuate her self-importance, her phone rang and she picked it up without even checking to see who was calling or even apologizing!

"Oh, hey. Yeah, I’m not sure. We’ll see. Let me call you back." He smirked a bit- realizing she had every intention of bailing on him. "So, you’re in banking?"

"I am, I—"

"Well, you already know I’m a pharmaceutical sales rep. I am crazy busy right now. I swear, all this war has caused another baby boom. I work mostly with OB/GYNs and feel like I do nothing other than drop off truck loads of prenatal vitamins to them for free."

"Isn’t free the way you promote your products?"

She gave him a look as if he were mad as a hatter and chose to ignore the statement.

"Getting in to see the doctors is like trying to get an appointment with the President. They are sooooo busy." She rolled her eyes, dumped four packets of refined sugar (that explained the tight suit) into her tea. "That’s why I was late. I finally got an appointment with like, the best OB/GYN in Dallas and of course he made me wait, like, two hours before he graced me with his presence."

Her date could relate to being kept waiting. He was probably wondering as I was why she didn’t see the parallels in her own rude behavior.

"Anyway, so I missed my manicure- ended up in traffic and now I have a dinner I need to get to for work in, like, 30 minutes."

Wow.

"Well, don’t let me hold you up. I’ll get the check." He stood and relocated to the bar- thankfully only one bar stool away from me.

The sound of silence behind us was deafening.

"I’m sorry for overhearing, but you sound really excited about your promotion. What bank are you with?"

He looked at me cautiously as if once he did he’d realize I was on the phone, but once our gazes met, he looked like he was about to tear up. What a kind and lovely man he was. We never even talked about wonder slob, who stormed off in a huff. Frankly, he was out of her league.

We chatted lightly until my friends arrived, and I’ll be damned, one of my friends took an instant liking to him. They paired off and I knew my delightful friend was in VERY good hands with this Very Clever Guy. She was older than him by easily seven years- but I don’t see it being a problem.

Let me chart the course for you in case you don’t see the errors (and if you don't see anything wrong with her behavior- stop reading this blog because you are So Very NOT Clever).

She was late, she didn’t notify him, she was rude not to offer him her hand, a smile or even eye contact and instead busied herself with her phone. There was the "drinker" insult, and yes, I considered her tone a bit of an indictment- she outright offended him with the thinning hair comment and without subtlety accused him of misrepresenting himself on Facebook. She accepted a phone call from a friend and didn’t apologize for doing so and then stole the floor to "regale" him with her "overworked and underappreciated" diatribe.

This is how a Clever Girl would have handled this. After not being addressed by the doctor after 40 minutes, she’d have left. If she was still mired in traffic, she’d have called Mercy, described her date and asked if somone could deliver an explanation and apology for her tardiness. She’d have glided in with a sincere apology and a smile, an outstretched hand for a confident handshake or even a light hug if appropriate.

"I’m cannot believe I’ve ended up in this situation. I’m late and had a last minute drug rep dinner crop up in an hour. This is awful, I apologize. Perhaps, if you are not too busy, you could accompany me to the dinner so I can make an appearance and shake some hands and then we can have dinner?"

No matter how annoyed she is with his "thinning hair," it doesn’t give her the right to punish him because she is jaded or the green light to be outright rude.

When the alcohol issue came up, she should have said something like, "I’ve sworn off alcohol until I drop 500 pounds, but please go ahead, Jim said you enjoy wine that’s why I suggested this place."

Clever Girls do not take phone calls or text during dates unless they make clear they are "on call" or "awaiting an important work- or family-related communication." Nothing says I don’t want to be here better than talking to someone else.

As well as you can make a fantastic impression with your words and deeds- you can make a dismal one as well. And trust me, first impressions are difficult to outrun.

OK, that's my social commentary for the week. I do love date night. I can't wait until next week- baseball, hockey, weddings, social issues and a Very Clever Guy named Blake proposed some reallllly interesting subjects on which we just might collaborate.