OK, Clever Tribe- this comment could not go unaddressed so I am posting it along with my response for a simple reason. Being Clever has nothing to do with age, marital status or socio-economics- it truly means to be quick to understand and apply ideas. In order to do so, we must THINK about what we are doing before we do it. There must be intention and purpose in our actions and our words. Clever is a simple concept and it defies limits and boundaries.
CG-
When does a child cease to be a child and become a son or daughter? Is it at the age of reason, at puberty or at the legal age of consent?
When does the nurturing responsibility of the parent become lesser and the responsibility of the 'child' become greater?
To be a parent of an adult is far more difficult than the role of a parent to a child. With a child, a parent can shape and mold many of the child's ideals, skills and behavior. That same parent maintains the responsibility of nurturing that adult offspring, but must do so with greater tact and skill to avoid conflict.
I have three children 23-31 in age, two boys and one girl. Each of my children have totally different personalities and talents, and I love each of them equally. My sons 23 and 26 are both very independent and want to lead their own lives, but have no problem visiting with loads of laundry and healthy appetites. My daughter at 31 is married and has two children (my only grandchildren). Of course our parenting skills are totally different and I have made the mistake of 'suggesting' things to my daughter which seem to be met with resistance of not outright hostility.
While I DO NOT consider myself an old lady I do realize that a generation in today's world is a chasm as far as social values and attitudes are concerned. If I see something wrong, isn't it my responsibility as a parent of an adult child to make my feeling known, or should I just keep my mouth shut and let her learn through failure?
While having lunch with a dear and trusted girlfriend a few weeks back, my friend brought up a quote from a neighbor friend that really touched a nerve. It goes "When children are young, they step on your feet ... when they are older, they step on your heart."
Being the Clever Girl that you appear to be, how would you prevent an adult child from stepping on your heart?
Anonymous
Anonymous-
What a lovely and heartfelt note with which to start my day. I must open by saying- it is part of the loving process to open our hearts to potential hurt. What you have to evaluate before you let the pain begin is the intentionality of the hurt.
Are your children trying to hurt you? Likely no- because you sound like a conscientious and Clever Mommy. So, give some thought to the root of what is causing you pain. It is the nature of boys to move away and begin lives of their own and often the "expectation" the girl will remain closer to her family. So, exactly conforming to that paradigm, you find yourself immersed to some degree with your daughter and her children. It is only natural there will be some flexing of muscles with your daughter.
Often times it takes only a mother stepping back and watching to realize she has influenced her daughter's life more than she believed, and in that- her parenting. So, if you can resist the urge to jump in with both feet- she might surprise you. However- if you are left in charge of the grandchildren- you need to manager your daughter's expectations and those of her children by making clear each home has its own rules and they will all need to respect them. I must say, however, if your daughter or her husband are engaged in behavior or parenting that jeopardizes the health and well-being of their children beyond raising spoiled, unpleasant, entitled brats you can barely stand to be around- you need to step in and if necessary bring help.
Each generation has been certain the next is heading to hell on a greased rail and some how- we've survived. Age has nothing to do with an appreciation for manners, respect and traditional social roles. As you look back- there have always been the people who eventually pull it together and create a productive life and those who do not. While sometimes it is impossible to see, I don't know that the percentage is racing toward hell on a skateboard,
I have an observation which might help. At some point children need to realize their parents are people and they make and will continue to make mistakes- BUT, that nine out of 10 times, they did their best. The only decision that needs to be made after they have secured their first job is whether their parents are people they would want in their lives if they weren't related.
In my case- the answer is a resounding yes. My parents are my best friends- my trusted advisors. Do I always like what they have to say? NO! But they have earned my trust as parents, friends and wise people. Can my mother get on my nerves? Yes, but we fight like friends- with respect and consideration (unless it's over the last beer and then it is on like the crack of dawn- haha).
Children are abusive because you allow it, but also because they trust you to be there for them anyway.
How do you break old records and establish patterns of respect moving forward? Put your foot down. They might get mad, stomp out- not let you do their laundry, feed them or babysit for a while- but you are mom and they are powerless to walk away.
As far as your sons are concerned? Live it up- because when they meet their Clever Girl- someone else will be feeding them and doing their laundry and the hurt will be born of perceived abandonment instead of feeling unappreciated and used. For your first set of questions? I think I answered part of that above in that procuring the first job- when they become financially independent is when your role as parent begins to change, hopefully to that of friend. It all comes down to purse strings- for lack of a better term. If you are paying the way- your word is law to a certain degree. If you've already created an environment of respect and open communication, purse strings don't feel as constraining to them.
Work on managing your expectations- knowing potential flash points going in can help mitigate your response. For example- every time I tell my mom I am coming home- she tries to tell me which airport to fly into. It starts an argument immediately and we get in a fight. Now- when I tell her I am coming home- I say, I will be flying into "x" because "y," I've already put a flight on hold so you or Dad need to pick me up "x,y,z." It's helped a lot for me to anticipate her response and to have already prepared for it. For you it might be your daughter showing up to "allow" you time with her kids. She brings you five pages of notes as to how to parent as if you aren't one. Nod, smile and when she walks out the door- stuff the kids full of sugar and demand their respect. When she blows her top- tell her to find another sitter!
I have met too many people who are afraid of their children. Afraid to discipline because their children might not like them- uh, no. That isn’t how it works. It is your OBLIGATION to set limits and boundaries for your children- if you don’t, who will? Have you ever been around someone who doesn’t understand boundaries- it is a real ass-kicking. The discipline takes a different shape when your children are adults- this is when you refuse to be a punching bag. If your daughter doesn’t appreciate you- or you feel hurt and used- establish some boundaries with her and you WILL get her attention. Let her know how much you love her and how proud you are of her, but do not fight her. These are her children. You got to parent your three- now it’s her turn. If she is doing a bad job, let her realize that on her own and be there to counsel her when she turns to you with respect and contrition.
Thank you for inspiring me! Clever Girls- I will cover whether to hire a wedding consultant- because I know it’s the next question on the list. We are going to take a break from college football, but we still need to discuss basketball penalties and then (insert leitmotif for doom here) HOCKEY!!!!!
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