OK, Clever girls- and you are So Very Clever- why would I find this statement made by Ann Bowden, wife of Bobby Bowden, head coach of Florida State University football team, offensive?
“They need US more than WE need them,” she reported to USA Today recently.
Any guesses? First of all- NOT CLEVER to say WE. Last I checked, she was NOT, in fact, part of the coaching staff of FSU. Now, perhaps she is saying WE as in she is part of a marriage- true- but it is not appropriate for her to make unilateral statements regarding his job. Sanctioned by him or not- it shows little grace. How about instead, if you must speak on behalf of your husband, “I think Bobby has proven himself as a leader of not only the team here at Florida State, but also in the community. It will be interesting to see how things take shape moving forward.” Clever.
The point being- a lot of fans and former supporters are feeling he’s overstayed his welcome. This leads to an interesting thought I had today- why do so many people do just that- overstay their welcome? Perhaps they simply don’t realize they are doing do so. Likely, expectations are not managed ahead of time. Fof example- here is our three-year contract, you are up for renegotiation at that point. We are seeing one another but there are no strings, ties, commitments or obligations- we must choose each other every day and when we stop, that is the end. And then there is the house guest.
One way to manage the house guest is to invite them for a finite amount of time. Don’t issue forth the “Mi casa es su casa” platitude and then get pissed off when they stay longer than you had hoped. Don’t pretend they are welcome and then be critical of them when they leave- that is hypocritical and unattractive. Manage the situation beforehand. Make certain parameters are set prior to the stay.
Clever house guests arrive with a gift. Could be small, just an acknowledgement- a jar of specialty mustard or the fresh tortillas they loved last time they visited. Know exactly how long you were invited to stay and do not use the home of your hosts as a landing pad while you hang out with others in town or do your own thing. Unless the host/ess makes clear this is what they intend. If they don’t invite you to join them for dinner and activities- make your own plans and invite them to join. You really should not be staying with people with whom you are uncomfortable staying. In-laws do not count- there is a good chance you will NEVER feel comfortable.
Unless your host/ess begs and pleads for you to stay longer, and you have been having such a wonderful time you don’t want to leave, leave on time. Make certain the rooms you were enjoying are in as good or better shape than when you arrived. Simply put, no toothpaste globs in the sink, ask whether you should strip the bed or make it on the last day, tidy up and make sure all of the used towels are in one area. Don’t forget to send some type of a thank you note, and it is a lovely gesture to pick up the check, buy some wine or purchase a little gift while you are in town to leave in the room you stayed upon your departure.
What I really wanted to cover is the relational situation. Why would you stay somewhere you are unwanted and not appreciated? There are many indicators of this state in a relationship. If a guy is not returning your call, it’s because he doesn’t want to- he’s not interested. Clever Girls can take a hint- even a subtle one. We have so much self-respect, he won’t even get the opportunity to not return our call twice before he is going to have to be the next person to establish contact.
If he hasn’t e-mailed you back- stop. If he excludes you from conversation beyond a point where you feel comfortable, walk away and either find another friend to talk to at the party, meet someone new or catch a cab home. You are far too valuable to be minimized. Demand respect at every turn and you will get it.
If there is any question of his character- if you find yourself making excuses for his behavior, his behavior while consuming or over-consuming alcohol- or how he treats you in public or private- you need to walk away.
Do not issue ultimatums. Why? Because if he gives in to the “s--- or get off the pot” threat by offering you a ring- can the proposal be trusted as his heart’s desire? NO. He did it to pacify you, and a time will soon come when he resents you for pushing him into marriage. What’s next, getting pregnant accidentally? A Clever girl knows when she is not wanted or appreciated. There are far too many men waiting to acknowledge you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
If you feel you have to snoop or spy on him- perhaps it’s time to walk away. While it is likely your own insecurity- or some insecurity created by a man in the past- it is not right to snoop. You wouldn’t like it. Oh, and I know- you aren’t doing anything wrong- right? Well, it is still patently unacceptable to snoop through his computer or phone. You simply must trust if he doesn’t want to be with you, he will tell you. If he doesn’t, there should be signs you are missing. If not, he is truly a cad, and when you find out he is not faithful, it is totally OK to slap him in the face- in private. I personally find dudes or women who put GPS on the cars of their spouses or phones or install spyware on their computers repellant. How gross is that? NOT Clever.
Stop and think about what you are doing. What does it say about you that you need to do that? If your spouse is having an affair- ask yourself why that could be? When you are pointing one finger at someone- keep in mind the other three are pointing right back at you. This is all completely irrelevant if you are the perfect wife and mother and he is “unhappy” blah, blah, blah- but no matter what he is feeling, you married him- something must be going wrong in the marriage. Don’t throw the marriage out with the affair- unless you want out, too. Perhaps you should ask him why he was driven to the arms of another woman and whether your marriage is repairable. If not, time to move on to a more appreciative audience.
Don’t think I am underestimating the pain and suffering this will cause- but do you really want to beg and plead with him to stay with you “for the children?” What are the chances- if he agrees to do so- he will not continue his extramarital affair or begin another? The fact is, there is a reason this is happening. If you can get to the root of that- and if he is interested in salvaging the marriage- make an informed decision as to whether that is what you want. You do have a choice.
Now, about Bowden and Weis- can I throw in Rich Rodriguez for consideration on this? Geez. OK, we are in a holding pattern. The Heisman is determined on December 5. Ingram has a shot- a legitimate shot- and I am torn to shreds. He is from my hometown- how cool would that be? Flint hasn’t had much to be happy about, especially since several locations of Angelo’s closed. Colt- he is my sentimental number one, but the pageantry associated with Tebow securing a second would be pretty impressive. They are all going to play on Sunday, but one of them will have one or two of the statues celebrating them as the best college football player of the year. What an honor.
For the record, I will not even CONSIDER Toby Gerhart of Stanford. You can’t come into the race a week before and win this thing. If you can … I’ll have to denounce the process. While I understand the Heisman is to represent a season- it seems impossible to me that Colt McCoy’s body of work as a quarterback would not be considered. In four years as a starting quarterback, he has won 43 games. It’s impressive. I WANT Colt for Heisman. Is it too much to ask?
OK, Clever tribe- we are back to the wedding thing next week. Tips for Clever girls regarding whether to hire a consultant and tips for Clever guys on how gracefully you are going to accept the date she selects for your wedding. Can NOT wait.
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