Is Chivalry Dead? No, Just Injured

Is chivalry dead? And, if it is, why is there not a nationwide manhunt for the person who killed it? No, I firmly believe it is merely wounded. I fear, however, it was wounded by a woman. Therefore, it is our responsibility, Clever Girls, to breathe the life back into chivalry. How do we do this? By applying the salve, which will help it recuperate: appreciation.

At some point, someone decided women could open their own doors and put on their own coats. Well, strangely, we always could, but there was a time when men wanted to do these tasks for us. This is one way men tell us they appreciate us, are aware of us and our needs. Therefore, the next time a man you don’t know opens the door for you, do not let it go unacknowledged. Validate him! Don’t just offer the rushed, perfunctory thank you- put some feeling into it. Would a “Thank you so much” with a smile kill you?

In an effort to resurrect chivalry, we have to be patient and keen. Notice the small things. Don’t take a man’s desire to pull out your chair for you for granted. Before you know it, your man will be standing as you leave the table to use the rest room and when you return in a proud declaration of his adoration and respect for women.

If notions of manners and gentility feel clunky and antiquated to you, be gentle and curb the behavior by being thankful but adding, “You don’t have to open my door for me, I’ve got it.” He will learn quickly these gestures are not necessary, but they are appreciated.

Courtesy aside, do you really want to be walking two feet behind a man you are supposed to be with, having him beat you to the door only to pass through it allowing it to slam shut in your face, or leave you struggling with your jacket in your formal gown? Keep in mind, the way a man treats you publicly is a commentary on his feelings for you. Besides, isn’t it nice to be pampered in these special little ways?

What happens if the guy you have accepted a date with performs not even the most standard of gestures - opening the car door? Perhaps you are on a date with the wrong man. If he doesn’t acknowledge you or seem aware of you on the first date, what do you have to look forward to? How do you prompt him to do so? Don’t belittle, berate or bitch. Instead, you can say simply, “You can open my door for me, don’t worry, I’m not one of those unappreciative women.” This will alert him to the fact you would like him to step up to the plate and reassure him you plan to be appreciative of his attentiveness.

While chivalry is courteous behavior shown by a man to a woman, it is part of a bigger concept if it is intentional instead of a product of habit. That larger, more holistic notion is appreciation. Appreciation of the person you are with is the foundation of any true gesture, compliment, articulation or gift. If you love someone- the way you interact with them, on a daily basis- should reflect that love. How? To show you hold the other persons wants, needs, thoughts, beliefs and desires in high regard. If this makes no sense to you at all- I think ultimately this post will resonate for you. If the concept of investing energy into someone else is foreign- you should probably return to the cave from which you emerged after dragging in your last conquest by the hair.

We are no longer in the mid-17th century- the roles for men and women have been redefined. Our courtship rituals are entirely different, the method by which we secure a woman’s hand in marriage has changed. Why should there not be a modern articulation of romance? No longer should it fall on men to carry this burden. I do not feel men should be saddled with the expectation to perform. It should not be a performance, after all. What good is pomp and circumstance from a man? Would you really want to be with a man who removes your coat in public, lays your napkin gently in your lap and ends with a lovely kiss, who then lets you struggle through the back door weighed down with groceries like a pack mule and doesn’t offer to help?

If his gallantry ceases once he has no audience for which to play to, his gestures are more about the attention he receives for “acting” gentlemanly than being prompted by his feelings for you. So, let’s encourage men to cut the pageantry and share the onus handed down to them hundreds of years ago. Don’t men deserve such reverence and appreciation?

You get what you give. If you must, teach by example. If he experiences emotional fulfillment when you send him a text which says- “I was watching you load our daughter in the car for school. Thank you for opening her door and helping her in. You are the most considerate man I have ever known,” you are likely to start getting some similar messages. Not only will he become more aware of how you notice him and value him, the more he will notice and assign worth to the characteristics which define you.

What I am interested in is the way we show others we love them- because this is true romance, which transcends the hackneyed expressions of romance. The red rose, the champagne, the rose petals in the tub, the candlelit dinner, the sultry music on the stereo or the promise of a massage ... all of the above are not very well veiled attempts to score and we Clever Girls know this. So, you are not really showing us how much you love and appreciate us, you are telling us you want to have sex and worse yet, you are not making the effort to personalize your crusade.

Two scenarios- your boyfriend shows up at the door with a dozen red roses and a bottle of champagne to accompany a meal you have prepared- OR your boyfriend shows up at the door with a mangled dandelion and a smile. “Oh my gosh, I have thought of nothing but your perfect ass all day. Come here.” He embraces you, offers you a lingering kiss and lavishes you with acknowledgements of your beauty and efforts in the gym. Which dude is going to score first? Guy number two is letting his girlfriend/ fiancée or wife know he has been thinking of her all day- not just her but her figure- this is so different than guy number one who has followed the historic rules of romance and purchased the obligatory flowers and alcohol in order to guarantee sex. Any time you can demonstrate your love for HER- you will score.

Tomorrow, we will continue this musing with post euphoria stage (of the relationship) romantic gestures. They are completely different from those which come first to a romantic relationship- but should NOT be discounted. Now, Clever tribe, THINK about the person in your life (romantic partner). Think of something random about them, which you find charming or appealing. NOW- call, text or e-mail them to that effect. If you can think of nothing- break up. Chivalry and romance are not dead- they just need someone to breathe life into them. Appreciation and reciprocation shall work magic.