From Clever to Clueless in Ten Minutes

I got this e-mail last night and it nearly broke my heart. Following that, I realized this Clever Guy, and yes, you are still Clever, is not alone.

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My wife and I had our first child three months ago and I thought we were prepared. We’ve been married five years, it was a planned pregnancy, we read all the books, we took all the classes and somehow, I have gone from Clever to Clueless in the ten minutes it took for my son to be born. I used to be THE husband- the one everyone wanted to be, have or look to for guidance. Now, my wife looks at me with disdain more than reverence. I could go on and on about what I am “doing wrong,” but I hope you have heard from other husbands who have been kicked from their position of Clever Husband. I don’t want to taint your response- so I will leave it at that and hope you can give me some place to start.

From Clever to Clueless in ten minutes

This e-mail really inspired me. First of all, you are not clueless, at least not anymore clueless than anyone else after having their first child. Sadly, many are still clueless enough to keep pumping them out beyond emotional, physical, spacial and financial capabilities. So, let’s start at the beginning. Kudos to you for setting yourself apart from the pack as a husband. You are fortunate to have experienced reverence within the bounds of marriage, as so much does change after the “I Dos.”

Often women love the man they are dating, but once the vows have been exchanged expect him to “settle” down, “grow up,” “become more responsible,” “make more money,” “stay home” more, “quit traveling” for work or fun, abandon hobbies he enjoys alone and trade them in for ones you can share together, and to “prove” they are ready to be a father.

Now- what the freaking hell kind of sense does that make? Why would you marry someone who hadn’t been road tested? By that I mean, why would you think he would change once you got married? A Clever Girl would want to marry a man because she loves his edgy personality, his propensity to take risks (and accepts it), his boyish qualities as they translate to his personality, and can see his ability to be a father in the man he already IS. Further, Clever Girls do not marry “potential.” That doesn’t even make sense. If he is making forty thousand dollars a year, is happy making forty thousand dollars per year and shows little ambition or inclination to move up or out of his present field- why would you marry him only to brow beat him for all eternity into doing something he DOESN’T want to do?

Now, by the same token- say you are dating a highly motivated man who thrives on business, working and advancing his career- why would you marry him and ask him to quit traveling so much or to shift his focus from work to you or family? If he isn’t doing it while you are dating- he isn’t going to do it later, necessarily. To determine the chances of him altering his professional goals to such an extent you will be satisfied emotionally and feel comfortable starting a family, which you might manage a great deal alone, you need a fair amount of discussion.

Put simply- if you love the “rock star” life style while dating- you had better be certain you are both ready to continue it or let it go. It is too often I hear from men their wives loved to date them and hate being married to them. If you are dating Peter Pan (never wants to grow up) do not assume the responsibility attached to marriage or fatherhood will encourage him to “grow up.”

You need to determine well in advance of marriage whether kids are essential to you both, out of the question or an “if it happens it happens”- because marriages are broken all the time when a woman realizes when he said “he wasn’t opposed to having children”, really meant he’d never been faced with the option and now that you are bringing it up, he IS opposed to it.

Ninety nine times of one hundred the man you married is the man you are going to be married to. You are not CLEVER if you married a man hoping things would “change,” “get better,” “improve” or that he’d become “more responsible,” “nicer,” “better with money,” “get a better job,” or my favorite “love me because I am the mother of his child.” Don’t get me started on women who get pregnant to railroad some poor guy into marriage- knowing he will “do the right thing,” get pregnant to “save the marriage,” or to give him a not so gentle shove into becoming a father. You are asking for trouble and have no one to blame but yourself when you are divorced within a year. Men do not like being manipulated, pushed or nagged- especially about an issue of such consequence.

So- back to From Clever to Clueless. So, you are (were) the heralded husband- fabulous. This probably means you are easy on the eyes, do your best to hit the gym, make a good living and somehow balance home and wife and work. You are thoughtful, considerate of women in general, you don’t grimace at chick flicks or even roll your eyes over "Grey’s Anatomy" and "Desperate Housewives." You likely fetch drinks, pull out chairs, offer sincere compliments, like your in-laws and stand up for women while you are lingering about them with your wife at parties. You are the “perfect” husband. What this really means is your wife married the man she was dating because she LOVES him- then and now, for who you are.

This is a big part of why you feel shattered right now. You feel you have disappointed her- perhaps for the first time. I can almost reassure you this is not the case. I will have to start with the pregnancy in order to address some of your concerns. I have no doubt you were there every step of the way- you held her hair while she was puking, catered to her during the optical migraines, managed to feed her precisely the items she was longing for regardless of the time or inconvenience, complimented her blossoming figure when all you really cared about was the baby boobies, tolerated her emotional outbursts and tirades, put up with the insane nesting that had you racing to the store or the dump daily to get rid of something or to acquire something, you were involved in the designing of the nursery, the planning of her “perfect” shower, you made it to almost every doctor’s appointment and didn’t panic when her water broke or pass out during the delivery. You said ten minutes, so I am thinking c-section, so I will predicate a fair amount on that assumption (my apologies if I am wrong).

Ta-da! Here is your son! Your wife is totally out of it due to the necessary drugs to cut her open from hip to hip and remove a human being, crying, overwhelmed with joy and terror- and you are not. What you are is faint after seeing them hoist your son up over the drape- bloody and grey- certain he was not alive- then relieved beyond measure after hearing him cry, terrified because he is crying, already feeling pulled apart because your wife needs you, your son needs you and you have no idea what you can do for either of them.

Once things calm down- a host of health care professionals are deluging you with information on subjects you can barely understand let alone commit to a barely functioning memory- you begin to feel the weight of responsibility settling upon you. Oh my gosh- I am a Father. I am responsible for the health, well-being, safety, emotional development and life of my son for the rest of my days. You might be sinking under the force of all this with your face and hands pressed against the glass as you watch them clean your son and prepare him to join you and your wife. You might even be experiencing a bit of detachment as a result of the suddenness with which you have taken on this responsibility- as if the last nine months never happened, nor did you attend classes or even read books. WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW? is all you can think.

Now, if you think this is how YOU feel? Your wife, while to you it seems an advantage, held the little guy in his convenient carrying case for nine months and now here he is. He was breathing on his own, getting some darn good meals thanks to you, Daddy- enjoying the perfect climate and his autonomy- can you imagine her thinking little else other than WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW? Granted, if she had a c-section- she is loaded, but it will fade and with that, some of her pain, fear and stress. You might have seen a calm return (one you may not have seen for almost a year), peace and the beauty, which only exists for mothers.

So, all that to say this. You are likely experiencing the same emotions, but society has dictated you feel certain emotions at certain times. This leads to a great deal of unnecessary pressure. So, your need to not feel what you are feeling, and the pressure to feel what you aren’t feeling, translates to tension and stress. So, entrust your best friend and communicate. This goes for men and women. Society tells us the minute the baby is birthed we are to fall under a spell with the help of mythical fairy dust and love will permeate us and emanate for all the world to see. It just isn’t ALWAYS like that. It is so abrupt- how can anyone shift gears so fast?

I visited a friend in the hospital after she’d had her baby. I did all the requisite oohing and ahhhing, tried to calm her husband who looked like he’d endured a drive-by and sat down to “chat.” I asked her how she felt and she whispered, “It’s weird, I keep wondering who is going to come and get this baby and then I remember the baby is mine … forever.” I chuckled a little and told her she didn’t have to whisper- it’s OK not to grasp the reality that your reality has changed completely and yes, forever. As I visited them over the course of a few days, I noticed the sniping going on between she and her husband stemmed from a lack of communication. It seemed they were both reluctant to admit they had no idea what THE HELL THEY WERE DOING! There was a lot of “You read the books!” and “Was I alone in class?” Instead of supporting one another in this trying time- they were angry and felt unsupported.

I thought of this a lot in formulating my response. As women, we are taught becoming a mother is the most natural thing in the world- so we cling to this idea as an articulation of our worth as a woman. So, when the baby appears and we HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL WE ARE DOING, it translates to worry, fear, tension, anger and impatience. We want someone to help us, but we are afraid to ask for it, we need answers but that would be admitting we aren’t capable of “the most natural thing in the world,” we are lonely, but don’t want to admit it because our baby is here and that should be “all we need.” We are sad, but since we don’t know why, talking about it is embarrassing and after all, our baby is here and that is “all we need.” We are afraid- of everything including that we waited too long to have children and now we might not see our grandchildren grow, of war, crime, famine, disease, germs, serial killers, kidnappers, pedophiles, accidentally hurting our child and especially someone else hurting our child. We are afraid of things which may have NEVER entered our minds before and the realization they will NEVER leave is daunting.

I would ask all women to recognize they did get a jump on the process by carrying a child. Women have more time to get used to the concept of becoming a parent. They’ve grown and changed slowly- at a comfortable rate (Daddies don’t get to do that- it really is like a drive-by. They witness something horrible- terrifying and their lives are forever changed), women have had time to BECOME. Let’s not be so quick to lose our tempers- unless your husband (or significant other) has rejected the idea of children and is intent upon redefining things (then kick his ass, unless you knew this was a possibility before you married him in which case- NOT CLEVER).

Undoubtedly, Clever to Clueless, you are simply experiencing the discomfort of creating a new paradigm- one in which you are not Clever- yet. The adjustment phase for new parents is long (a year- easily)- patience and communication are critical. I know it’s hard to be unyielding in support for someone who finds fault in everything you do- but she is trying to find her way as well. She is likely upset because you are working (suddenly it’s too much), she is exhausted and overwhelmed, she might be battling some depression but be embarrassed to speak to you about it, it seems to her she has NO help- because there isn’t enough help when it comes to an infant (remember the saying- It takes a village? It does), she is worried (because it is her new way of life), she is already fearful she might never regain her figure (the one you were wild about), she is stressed she has no desire for intimacy, she can think of nothing other than how to get food into her child’s body and wonders why you require so much freaking attention and care- YOU ARE AN ADULT FOR GOODNESS SAKES.

My advice to you is this: Do your very best to be there, do not compound her worries by being needy of food and clean laundry or attention (she still loves you and her love will grow ever deeper if you rise to the occasion during this confusing time in her life), manage what you can and let her manage what she insists on managing, love her, compliment her sincerely (don’t tell her she is beautiful all the time because she likely doesn’t feel beautiful- she feels unclean, so give her a chance to bathe daily), hold her, hold the baby, talk to her, ask her how she is feeling, inquire about her emotional health, be the legs if she cannot (post c-section mobility is limited), take paternity leave from work if you are permitted and do not argue.

If your wife is pregnant- here are some things you should discuss prior to the drive-by, I mean the due date: Her feelings about breast feeding and how you will both handle it if she is unable, how you both will feel if she is unable to have a natural birth due to complications, whether you will be able to take time off work and, if so, what your responsibilities will be (keeping in mind- no one can prepare for a child- not completely), what aspects of everyday life will be a thorn in her side and learn to manage those tasks (laundry, dishes, cooking, taking care of the dirty bottles, thank you notes). When she will go back to work or if she is going to at all and how you will manage if she changes her mind once the baby is born.

Here are some things you won’t necessarily know to discuss: When you walk in the door from a long day at work- expect a hand off. She will likely need to eat, urinate, cry and take a nap. She will have no sympathy you’ve had a long day at work- because she has been “working” too. Tell her to take a little nap, or go to the grocery store (the new exciting outing for her) or just take a drive or walk. Who is going to be the expert on all things baby (her) and who is going to accept that (you)?

Hang in there- you are soon to be Clever once again. Do you know how I know? You care. You’d be surprised how many don’t.

Ok, Clever Tribe- I am combining our gift giving tomorrow into Clever UNI-SEXY options! Wednesday I will resume the wedding planning tips for Clever Girls and on Thursday, wedding planning survival for Clever Guys. Friday, you can count on discussing basketball (I know, heavy sigh for me too- haha)- but again, count on a recipe to cushion the blow.