"It's Just a Dress- Right?" WRONG

And now, for the soon-to-be So Very Clever grooms. The wedding planning process is an absolute ass kicking- so allow me to extend some tips for managing the bride, your expectations and the chances of your scoring often.

Do not, at any point in time, try to tell her what she can and cannot spend on this dress. The only thought this will invoke is, “I can’t even buy the wedding dress I want? How am I going to navigate a marriage?” Not what you want running though her mind. This is her day to look her most beautiful. If it helps, concentrate on what she will and won’t be wearing under the single most expensive piece of material you have ever touched.

It's not out of the question this dress will cost as much as the engagement ring, your first car or even a year of tuition at an Ivy League institution. However- you will nod and smile- and forego a band and opt for a DJ or scale back the honeymoon if you must. Challenging this purchase will have you experiencing a lengthy physical, uh, drought. You can expect a shoulder so cold you'll wonder whether she is, in fact, alive.

The search for THE DRESS might take one day or several months. If she has one custom made, you need to be prepared in advance for moodiness and frustration, which can be medicated with a hot bath, a glass of wine or a compassionate ear. Employ these methods often and you might consider a well worded text to let her know you are thrilled with her planning efforts and can’t wait to see her.

Know in advance that dresses (often more than one for one wedding) come with veils (not necessarily one), shoes, garters (not the ones that hold up stockings, the one you will remove from her leg and throw to all of the uninterested single men at the reception), accessories, which will include but not be limited to necklace, earrings, bracelet, tiara and hair accessories, at least one trial for make-up and hair, and then make-up and hair for the day of.

Now, it is still customary to exchange a gift prior to the wedding (and no, the ring you already bought will not work), so you can offer to purchase a piece of jewelry for the day of. The trend emerging is for the groom to purchase the shoes she selects to wear the day of.

This should mitigate some nights on the couch for you, Clever Guys. Back at it tomorrow with some observations about the rampant lack of self respect in young women.