Monday, March 22, 2010

Can You Handle the Scandal?

I've got to admit, I'm having a difficult time keeping my nose out of Sextrology- true to my bookish nature, it has me in it's grasp. Arrggg. I must get something done today. I have a long flight on Wednesday- this book will keep me So Very Warm.

A very Clever Professor, Bill Genereux, from Kansas State posed a question on twitter that got me thinking. I’d already planned on addressing this issue, but his thoughts served as a catalyst for this post.

He asked whether schools should be allowed to discipline students for what they post on their social networking pages about teachers and other students.

Wow.

This gives rise to a number of interesting concepts. The first could be freedom of speech. The second could be libel. Now, I am not an attorney, but I do know a thing or two about publishing. Once you write something on the internet and post it- you have published it. Thereby, if you are making defamatory comments about people- there is the potential for legal action. Never have people been so careless in sharing their opinions and thoughts. It's outright recklessness.

The internet has given us false confidence- people are drunk on the written word, which in many cases is less confrontational than speaking your mind in person or on the phone. My favorite confrontational and invective laden emails are those that unearth years if not decades of negative feelings toward the other person and end with- "You needn’t respond"- OH REALLY? Hmmm. Cowardly assassinate my character and then inform me there is no need to respond? Of course, what the writer of such email is really telling you is they needed to get some things off their chest, want to dissolve the relationship, but have NO intention of reading your return email or answering communication from you. NOT Clever.

Now, about face (book)- to social media. The real problem here is parents not knowing what their children are doing on line. Now, in defense of parents- so much can be done without their knowing- kids set up a gmail, yahoo or aol account, then a facebook account and start unloading on a teacher or student. This anonymity protects them from punishment from school or parents. Now, it would be a bit of a pain for everyone who friended this “anti-teacher/student” page to assume a new identity- but it could be done. It is possible for sites to be reported as abusive, but I'm not sure how long that takes.

The parenting question here IS- what kind of children are you raising? Do they have a conscience? I revealed in a post last week I was paddled in fifth grade and while I absolutely detest that man, it never occurred to me to calculate, and go to the principle with a wild tale that the teacher was “trying to get me alone,” honestly, I was too concerned about my parents finding out I’d done something bad enough to get paddled over. Shame. Embarrassment. Humiliation. Healthy respect and fear of parental discipline.

These are the feelings and emotions that have helped govern my behavior since I was a young child. I didn’t want to embarrass myself or my parents- I didn’t want to feel ashamed of something I’d done (and that doesn’t mean because I got caught and had to evidence contrition), I dreaded “disappointing” my parents- so I generally steered clear of behavior that would cause any of the above to happen.

Now it seems, children “do no wrong”- parents are so defensive of their children they attack teachers, accuse teachers of “not liking” their little angels. Parents hover over their children, the teachers and the classrooms to try and make sure their children are excelling and not being slighted.

When I was young- my mother felt- if I got in trouble at school, the teachers were well within their rights to discipline me as they saw fit- she deferred to their judgment believing the teachers had seen it all and were more patient than most. So, when I got paddled and my mother found out from me first- she was proud of me for telling her and that she wasn’t first informed by the school. We talked about what had led to my corporal punishment and she disagreed with the teacher who confirmed the incident and stood behind his decision. My mother struggled with how to handle this, ultimately she told me she didn’t agree with the bastard, told me she was proud of how I’d handled the situation and reminded me to be cautious about outbursts in class as he CLEARLY didn’t like it.

Now, children get bad grades and they blame everyone else- start an “I hate Mr. Nouffer” page on facebook- or plot to kill Mr. Nouffer or the kids who laughed while they were punished. So unequipped are young people to handle shame and embarrassment or even humiliation- they respond violently and vindictively.

In the case of cyberbullying, anonymity is a double edged sword for those wielding it- the tormented don’t know who hates them, and then the fact they don’t know can be just as stressful. Today is not the day for me to get totally jacked out of shape about bullying or cyberbullying- but it WILL be that day- SOON.

This question from Bill Genereux punctuates my post of last week regarding “appropriate” messages reaching young people and “appropriate” conduct in the wake of discipline- we are seeing more and more of this “anti-authority” acting out on line. I cannot see schools hiring “internet police” to keep their fingers on the pulse of student social media conduct- and further- what does a teacher really care if they are “hated?” Don’t misunderstand- if there is a threat circling- I can almost guarantee a morally sound student will find a way to report it, but in the rise of school shootings- this is not an absolute.

What is the answer? I have two suggestions. Stop mean before it starts. Don’t let a moment go by you are not addressing mean, nasty or inappropriate behavior in your little, little children. Let me tell you, there is some trash talk on the playground. “You are such a baby!” “Cry baby!” “We don’t like you!” My friend Jennifer is a teacher and I am shocked by the things I hear in the halls where she teaches. Always out of ear shot of teachers- but it is being SAID. These are pre-k kids who have already learned the power of words.

Words are our wands- we can perform a great many things with them- wouldn’t it be nice if “hate” wasn’t one of them? So, these rotten little three and four and five year olds gain momentum- they are the ones whose parents have never grabbed them by the arm and said- “What gives you the right to speak to anyone that way? You should be ashamed.” Looking them in the eye and staring them into shame. Letting them feel shame and then teaching them with love and wisdom about how judgment and hate are not acceptable.

Teach your children to stand up for them selves in the face of “mean”- in response to HATE- not just toward themselves but others.

Things are out of hand. Parents have got to teach against this type of subversive behavior. Believe me, the kids who have been hearing “Who do you think you are to behave that way toward your friend?” are NOT the ones making facebook pages haranguing other students, or plotting to kill teachers, or writing all their nefarious and murderous thoughts in journals to be found after they execute.

Clever parents raise children to be morally aware, emotionally literate and have a freaking conscience. Monitor the messages that reach them and love them so much they can’t stomach the thought of you being disappointed in them. Teach them to respect themselves and others- even if they are not always liked. Show them how to deal with discipline from those outside the home. Equip them, and they may not feel so powerless and cowardly.

So, should schools be able to discipline? No. However, if there is proof of who is involved or behind the libel … sue the parents. If you cannot get them to parent- sue them. Be advised, this will not be inexpensive or timely. If there is a threat a teacher or student feels is legitimate- call the police and let them hammer it out.

Clever parents will be horrified to find their children are involved in something so insidious and the price for their complicity will be high. Life with no cell phone (get them a shitty old pager), no laptop, no internet access at home (be advised, they will find a way), and losing your respect for a time should get their attention.

Later in the week we can talk about the social media ramifications for adults. It’s HEAVY.

OK, CLEVER Couples- feeling the stress of this wedding planning stuff yet? I’m here to help. I am going to call myself a wedding agent- email me at soveryclevergrl@gmail.com and I will help you with local vendors. As some of you know, I am located in Dallas, so I can steer you in the right direction here and in Orlando, Tampa, Chicago and New York. Why not? I don’t charge. Oh, and if you need a wedding update check out some articles I wrote- here.

2 comments:

  1. Parents are too quick to rush to their kids defense. Helicopter parents raise disrespectful, entitled kids. Parents who smooth every bump in the road do a disservice unless they plan to continue the smoothing throughout adulthood. Don't laugh, many try but it's a sad thing.

    How many parents today would react as your mother did to your paddling? Not many. Instead they'd sue or call for his job. But you learned a valuable life lesson. Sometimes people in authority are jerks. And knowing how to deal with jerks is a good skill to have, isn't it?

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  2. Bill-
    No doubt parents tire of their own "handy work" when they end up having children living with them until their forties because they've been taught no life skills.
    Children who rely on their parents to meet their needs- and parents who meet the needs of their children immediately raise children who don't get along well with others because others don't meet their needs at all if not QUICKLY.
    If I'd been paddled today- and had a mother other than mine- there'd be a law suit. Quite frankly, I do not want ANYONE touching my child in anger except me. My mother made clear to me- if I got in trouble in school- I was also in trouble at home. That was enough for me to keep my nose clean at school. Double punishment.
    That give rise to another topic we discussed. How would children behave at school if their parents were able to log onto the web and watch their children in class. Let me tell you- it would have governed my behavior better. No more being able to say "the teacher doesn't like me."
    What are your thoughts?
    x
    CG

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