OK, a request has been made by a Clever Guy to finish my NHL section by summarizing the penalties. Seems he’s taking in his first NHL game tonight- on a date and wants not to look like a moron. The good news is she has no interest (yet) in hockey either, so they are in it together. As much as I have supported women in doing their research prior to watching a game or opening their mouths- the same is advised for men. So, thank you, Clever Guy, for inquiring. Again, it is not necessary for me to get into the minutia- some of the penalties are self-explanatory. And, don’t worry- there will be a host of loud-mouthed dudes on their 14th Budweiser around to tell you EXACTLY what is going on. If you are in Dallas, however- it is likely to be Bud Light or Miller Light and please, try not to gawk- Dallas Stars games are more like Hollywood premiers.
Minor penalty- you know it’s wrong, but you do it anyway and hope you don’t get caught. When you do get caught, you take your lumps and know all will be forgotten in about two minutes (during which you will be cooling your blades in the penalty box)- unless your team is scored against because you are so careless- then you might have to take some heat in the locker room. This is similar to forgetting to pick up something on the way home, or getting yourself another beer without getting her one.
If I define with a snarky comment only- it’s been discussed in the vocabulary post.
Boarding- already discussed
Broken stick- he must throw it down and can continue play
Charging- not with your Neiman Marcus card
Clipping- not coupons
Closing hand on puck- other than the goalie
Delay of game- same as any other sport- screwing around intentionally to upset the other team’s momentum
Elbowing- not as harmless as rubbing elbows
Face of infraction- premature movement
Goalie interference- an attacking players position should not ALONE determine whether or not the puck goes in
Goalie leaving the crease- during an altercation- though some of the most fantastic fights have been elevated when you see the goaltender slide down the ice- intrepid like a great white. Vernon vs. Roy (Avalanche vs. Wings) is one of the most spectacular goalie fights in history- YouTube if you can find it. Worth it. Potvin vs. Hextall- classic. Love it.
High-sticking- the stick should not go above shoulder level
Holding- can’t impede another player
Holding the stick- no can do
Hooking- don’t use the stick to impede
Instigating- Hmmm. Distance traveled to whip someone’s ass, first to drop the gloves, first to throw a punch, retribution for a previous infraction- the list goes on.
Interference- I could but will not write a novelette about this. The criterion and conditions are specific- so keep your mouth shut about this unless you are certain. Even then, someone else in the arena will be happy to challenge you on this and EVERY other call.
Kneeing- See, ladies? It's not even cool in hockey.
Leaving the penalty bench too early- they might also call you stupid
Roughing- unless it's consensual
Slashing- again, hockey stick, not weapon
Throwing the puck- we discussed this
Tripping- stick- weapon- bad
Unsportsmanlike conduct- this is minor- believe me- when a game misconduct is thrown out for unsportmanlike conduct, you can guarantee blood has been spilled.
Bench minors are also two minutes- but the coach can name any player to serve the penalty. Many of these are assessed for being an asshole or an idiot- generally.
Delay of game- again, interrupting momentum- generally
Deliberate illegal substitution- hmmm
Illegal substitution- mmm, so many places I could go here and usually they are- yup, deliberate
Too many men on the ice- Can there ever be too many men anywhere? Oh, sci-fi convention- never mind.
Throwing objects onto the ice- and, yes, the team can be penalized for the fans throwing objects onto the ice- especially dead sea creatures
Coach coming onto the ice during the period- nothing like a good slip and fall to remedy that
Don’t forget- anytime a team has a player in the penalty box, they are shorthanded and the other team is on a power play.
A coincidental penalty is when a player from each team gets a matching penalty. This results in neither team being shorthanded, but there sure is a lot of open ice out there.
A double minor penalty gets you four minutes.
Butt-ending- using the shaft of the stick to jab an opponent
Head-butting
Spearing- the opposite of butt ending as you are stabbing with the opposing end of the stick
A major penalty buys you five minutes and three of these gets you an automatic game misconduct- kicked out of the game and the arena for the balance of the game- but after five minutes a player may be substituted into play. If one or more of these are assessed, you are likely watching a pretty chippy game- which is exciting but potentially violent.
Fighting
Major slashing
Major head-butting
Major high-sticking
Major spearing
Match penalties are reserved for a player who intentionally tries to injure another player. The offending player is ordered to the locker room for the balance of the game.
In a misconduct penalty- the offending player is ordered off the ice for 10 minutes- and can be immediately substituted with another player.
Penalty shot - A penalty shot is offered to a team when a scoring opportunity was lost as a result of a foul being committed by the other team.
Ok, I guess that's it for me. Clever Girls, going into the weekend, this is what you should know. Stay the hell away from downtown Dallas- NBA All-Star game- geez. P. Diddy (puffy sean daddy do hickey, whatever the hell his name is) is rumored to be having a party at Sting or the Paladium and Ashton Kutcher sans Demi at the 300 in Addison (bowling?). Good luck if you are the stalker type. I am sure Ashton will keep everyone informed via Twitter.
The Sharks and the Caps are nearly 10 points ahead of the next closest team in their conferences. My Wings are depressing me. I was barely over the Cup lost last year. Dude, I am like a sports curse. I even lost the over on Kim Kardashian.
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