OK, we are going to have to postpone the wedding planning post- but if you are anxious, you can find some good articles here. I got a message from a very old friend who happens to be one of the most Clever Guys I know. He is close to becoming unhinged because he is about to BECOME a father. If you are about to become a parent- this could speak to you.
William (this is a made-up name), Don’t Freak Out. This is one of my anthems and I find it works really well. You are beyond the point freaking out would help matters at all. Actually, once you got married you had tacitly agreed to becoming a father.
What I know about William is that he’s never wanted children. I’ve known him most of my life and never once has he expressed a desire to be a father. When he got married, I questioned him about parenthood. He shrugged it off. I’ve been worried ever since. Not only was he opposed to being a parent, given his own upbringing, I worried he worried he wouldn’t be a good parent.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about William since I learned his wife was pregnant. I pondered all things I know of him, his character, his family, his capacity to love and nurture, and I found comfort. Now I would like to extend this comfort to him.
Your capacity to love was not defined by your childhood. You are not a child anymore- who and how you love is not to be dictated anymore by anyone but you. Just because you are related to someone does not mean you have to love or even like them. Those you have invited into your life, with whom you share no blood, can and likely are those closest to you- until that baby is born.
I advise you to read the post "Clever to Clueless in Ten Minutes." It might help to quell some of the post-birth anxiety, but in your final weeks, I know your fear and apprehension is strong.
While it’s possible for a parent to not bond with a child- it is not possible for YOU. You will never see more pure and unadulterated love and vulnerability than that you observe in your child’s eyes. This child can put to rest any hurt, pain or anguish you might be holding onto. It is impossible to regret a moment of your life the first time you hold that little baby and realize she/he is a part of you- a living, breathing legacy.
Nothing on earth is more precious or deserving of love and protection. You are fierce in your love and focused on the objects of your affection. Let this tiny person become your person- YOUR person.
I am not saying you won’t be tired- you will likely be delirious at times. I am not suggesting you won’t be afraid, fearful and anxiety ridden- it’s normal, part of the process and you are not alone- you have a partner in this. Don’t forget you are a team and you committed to sharing the responsibilities.
You’re not the first person to fear the unknown- the CHANGE. It’s inevitable at this point. I can only recommend you continue to evaluate your “life” and determine what is and what isn’t dispensable. If you can NOT give up work travel- make sure your wife is aware, and if it is economically feasible, hire some help so she can have some time “off” or just the chance to urinate. If exercise is critical to your emotional well-being- do not give it up, just make sure there is a trade off- allow her to get out and take some time for herself.
Of course you are worried she will never get back in shape- but if it was important to her before the baby, it will likely remain important. Encourage her subtly- remind her how valuable the exercise has always been to her emotional health. Offer to take over with the baby so she doesn’t feel she can’t find the time. Offer her a financial incentive- I’m kidding- NO I’M NOT. Whatever it takes- because believe me, no matter how miserable you are about her weight- she is four times more upset, so don’t add to it- be supportive.
I know it seems like there is a lot of stuff- that is because there is a LOT of STUFF. Don’t freak out. It’s all necessary to make your life easier. As the baby gets older, you will have less stuff and more toys- so you are in it- get used to it.
A great defense here is to manage your expectations by knowing what to expect. Here are some hints-
It’s about that time- maybe you should throw some things into a bag in case the little bundle of joy comes early. But, what should you bring?
For the BABY
A preemie outfit (doctors have been known to be wrong about body weight- and babies tend to lose weight between birth and the time you leave the hospital)
A regular outfit
Nail clippers for newborns
Gentle nail file
For Mommy
Outfit for traveling home (keeping in mind you will not be exactly the same size you were before you got pregnant- so something roomy and comfy)
Toiletries
Hair dryer and other small appliances you traditionally use
A large bag for lugging home all the above
The Hospital will Provide (make sure you take all of this home with you, as you are being charged a FORTUNE for it)
Formula
Small bottles
Blankets
Diapers
Diaper creme
Storage containers for breast milk
Post-birth meshy/gauzy panties
Feminine pads/ panty liners
Large container for water
Diaper Bag
Diapers (five)
Deodorized bags for used diapers
Bottles
Formula and baby water
Wipes- wipes- wipes
Socks
Diaper cream
A clean onesie (this can serve as an outfit until you can get to the car)
Mylicon
Stain wipes
Large baggies for dirty clothing
Blanket
Pacifier if the baby uses one
As they get older- snacks and treats
Auxiliary Diaper Bag
In the back of each car, keep the following items in a plastic bin. This will save your booty at least once a week when you have failed to replenish the diaper bag due to exhaustion or simply being in a hurry.
Diapers
Deodorized bags for used diapers
Bottles
Formula
Baby water
Wipes
Socks
Two clean outfits (yes, it’s possible for them to go through two in one short outing)
Mylicon
Diaper cream
Baby lotion
Large baggies for used and dirty clothing
Blanket
Stain wipes or stick to pretreat formula-stained clothing
Several pacifiers
Try to make sure this auxiliary bin is kept replenished at all times.
Don’t forget to have the newborn car seat installed and inspected.
One thing to note, everything you were sure you’d do is likely to change four minutes after your baby is born. You read "Babywise"? You will want to burn the book as soon as your little one lets out his first cry. I have pretty strong opinions about children and affection- people say- “Don’t hold the baby while she sleeps- you are going to spoil her.” It is my experience the only things that spoil are those left on the shelf untouched. How much you hold your child, where she sleeps, and what your emotional response is to her cry are highly personal and you needn’t feel “bad” or “wrong” if you let him nap on your chest (every time) or pick him up every time he cries.
You will have the option to let the baby sleep in the nursery while you are in the hospital- be prepared for your wife not wanting this, but needing this. She needs to rest, but it is difficult to allow someone else take your child from you and care for it. Your wife will fear the baby misses her or needs her. The baby needs only to sleep and rest and be warm. You both need to sleep and rest so make it about her (she is the one who gave birth) or she will be pissed.
Just what you don’t want to talk about- breastfeeding. While it is “the most natural thing in the world”- it doesn’t work out for every woman. Some women just decide they don’t like it- whatever she decides or however her body responds, be supportive. Most people in my generation were not breastfed and the world is still turning- in this country it is not a matter of life and death. Likely they are supplementing in the hospital with formula so don’t be afraid to use it if it takes some of the pressure off of your wife.
Do NOT make any life-altering decisions in the first few months of the baby’s life- you both are in the middle of an emotional upheaval and trying to gain footing. Rely on each other. Love each other. Love that baby. This is your life. It might be scary- but it is about to become more vibrant than you’ve ever imagined.
Ok, William. Don’t Freak Out. Sleep as much as you can before the blessed event …
Tomorrow my words regarding Peyton and the Saints. Erin Hogan (ESPN Austin) and I are opposed. It might be the first time.
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