A New Straitjacket

I've had and overheard a few interesting conversations I thought I might share- and yes, about marriage.

The first was a friend of mine told me he thought his wife was having an affair.  We talked about it and what it came down to was that he wasn’t sure- but he had a strong suspicion.  So I said- "So … what if she is?"  He answered- "I can't be with her anymore."  I had to ask why.  He was baffled as to why I would inquire.  He relied on the marital vows as a defense.  Again I inquired.  "Why do you think she had an affair?"   His response was- "How would I know?"

So Very Interesting- don’t you think?  This guy has no idea why his wife might have been having an affair- but I do.  I don’t know his wife very well, but I know him and I can think of a few reasons why she might have had an affair.  Again, don''t forget we've gotten into a whole new articulation of "affair"- now we have "intellectual affairs," "emotional affairs," "physical affairs."- It's becoming increasingly difficult to have any type of relationship with a person of the opposite sex- and that is a shame.

Now, for the same reason all of these different types of affairs exist- the holistic aspect of marriage is no longer being valued.  Apparently, no other person of the opposite sex is allowed to be significant in your life without it being "inappropriate."  Now, instead of this "strengthening" marriage by encouraging the man and woman to value one another first and most- it is tying their hands and making it nearly impossible to function within the intractable confines of marriage.  Marriage is becoming remarkably similar to a straitjacket- actually.  This figures prominently with my post of last month- "Are you COMMITTED to the INSTITUTION of Marriage?"

A man lies to his wife about finances and she wants a divorce.  A woman has an inappropriate exchange with a man and her husband wants a divorce.  A woman doesn't get along with the man's children from another marriage so the marriage needs to end.  Why do we bother getting married at all if the dissolution is so easy?  Are we less commitment-phobic now that it is so acceptable to divorce?

Last I checked- marriage was not one-dimensional.  So, if someone cheats- it is likely the symptom of a problem in the marriage. The best thing to do if you both still value the other person is to sit down with a marriage counselor and find out why it happened and what can be done moving forward to keep it from happening again.

It reminds me of some ethnic cultures that accept a "girlfriend"- the wives are exhausted, overwhelmed by the house and the children, and they are grateful they don’t have to put out as often as the husband wants- OR, the man likes to unload some perversion on someone without disrespecting his wife.  It happens. 

Marriage is not finite- it’s dynamic.  As the two people grow and change, the entity evolves and changes.  It's specious to think part of that evolution won't be intellectual, sexual or social. 

I have another friend from my hometown (which is VERY small)- he married his high-school sweetheart and they moved to a bigger city with more opportunity for him.  He hit his stride in business and has blown it out of the water.  She is no longer comfortable with who he has become. He’s sharp, handsome, charismatic, charming, winsome, successful and ambitious.  This new version of the boy she met in high school does not sit well with her.  She's wracked with fear and insecurity about whether he will outgrow her.  I see it happening, but only because she doesn’t evolve with him and embrace who he is becoming.  She is withdrawing and sulking- acting jealous and suspicious- he is growing resentful and contemptuous.  He hasn't cheated on her- of that I am certain- but her suspicion and desire to micromanage him will erode the relationship quickly. 

She's growing further away so their sexual relationship is on the decline. He might have an affair someday- if he is going to be punished for something, he might as well be doing it.  Her bitterness toward his work is pervading their parenting (alternate complaints about wanting more money and resenting the amount of time he is working) and their friendship.  I hate seeing it happen.

The fundamental problem is that we have stopped viewing marriage holistically.  Look at your spouse and put down all of their great qualities- and I mean defining ones- not "he takes out the garbage without being asked."  Now, think about fidelity- it is but one aspect of marriage and would you really throw away a fantastic father, a loving and dependable husband who provides a nice home and maintains it just because he was unfaithful?  And if he were- do you have the capacity to be introspective enough to ask yourself  "WHY?"

If a marriage is to be successful- it needs to continue to evolve, grow and change with the two people invested in it.  I honestly believe if a woman throws her husband out because he has a casual affair- she wants out.  Of course. if this is the last straw because he is not a good man, provider or father- he should have been kicked out long before. 

I've said this before- I have a ton of male friends and the wives of the ones who are not faithful are the happiest.  Weird. 

I'm Here to Get Hit On- Just NOT By YOU

OK, this just needs to be said- in response to those girls who are clearly NOT Clever. I was having a post-Dallas Stars Calendar shoot adult beverage at my favorite local and there were women EVERYWHERE. Now, normally this would be vastly unappealing to me- but when I am afforded the opportunity to observe behavior- it's fantastic.

So, the two women next to me were dressed to kill- and I don’t mean hunt animals. They were on the hunt no doubt- no equivocation. These were not the ladies who exploded from a supermodel bomb, nor were they of the sensible-shoe-and-attire variety either. However, they did send a very clear message and I’d like to spell it out for my male readers.

I could see the gentleman at the end of the bar observing for a while- likely formulating an approach. I was proud of him for taking his time- I could see he was calculating.

When he finally did make his way- both women anxiously turned to him and after determining he was not of interest- one of them said "I’m sorry, I’m just here to visit with my girlfriend- not to get hit on."

Two bold-faced lies in that statement. If you wanted to "visit with your girlfriend," unmolested, you’d have stayed in. With Clever Girls- who you are with is ALWAYS more important than where you are. Second lie- intimating they don’t want to get hit on.

What she really meant is "I am looking to meet someone, but it’s not you." I found her rude and offensive. Men generally don’t have to deal with being approached by women tirelessly, However, if you continuously base your options on looks and nothing more- the chances of you EVER meeting anyone up to par are slim.

What happens after someone meets your physical standards? Is it possible they might also fulfill what you desire in a man? I have a reputation for dating men who are what most women would find not very attractive. This is because I realized two things at a young age- no one was asking me out, so if someone did, I vowed to go (unless they appeared to have escaped from prison or were decidedly NOT Clever). Once I started accepting those dates, I realized what was truly important to me in a man and looks were not even in the top five. Sense of humor, confidence, gentility, intelligence and ambition.

So, the point to all of that is: While there are men who are the whole package- they are as rare as a pink diamond. So, the best idea for Clever Girls is to do some excavation before you toss out what could be a perfect gem.

If you have not heard- I am running a contest to promote my fiction and the release of my novel, "Consumed"- look to Clever Contest for rules.

Sextrology is Tres Sexxxy

OK, Clever Tribe- it is time to check in with "Sextrology" by Quinn Cox and Stella Starsky. I was having lunch with a dear friend and she was relaying to me what a lovely time she’s been having in a new relationship. Truth be told she has been out of a relationship for quite some time and before that she’d been with the same man for 25 years!

Let's call her Barb. Barb lowered her voice and leaned in to me and said, "I'm concerned he’s not very attracted to me."

"What? You've spent every waking and sleeping moment with him for two weeks!"

"Well, we've had sex and … he doesn’t remain- uh, engaged, and it takes a really long time. He says he is enjoying it, but I am left feeling like I'm not that appealing to him."

"Is he a Taurus?"

"I don’t know. His birthday is May 13^th."

"Taurus. It's not you. It's him."

"What do you mean?"

"There's a book you need to get- it's called 'Sextrology.' It will explain everything."

Fast-forward to the next morning when she knocks on my door- "Sextrology" clutched to her chest- her color high- her mood elevated.

"It's not me! Now I know how to please him and I did last night. This book is amazing. Thank you so much. I can’t wait to read my dad and my brother. Maybe I will gain some understanding of my whole family."

Barb is not overstating the value of this book. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have had to dig around a bit where some people are concerned- if they fall closer to one month than another. For example- I was speaking to a longtime close friend of mine and suddenly said- "Are you a Capricorn?" He said, "No, Sagittarius." I inquired as to the date of his birthday and I’ll be damned- it is the last day of Sag and late in the eve. So, perhaps he was born a week early- but meant to be a Capricorn because let me tell you- if anyone is a quintessential Cap male it is him.

You won't believe the things you can learn about the people in your life with this book. I’ve read the profiles of EVERYONE in my family and those friends who are part of the inner sanctum and find I’m much better able to navigate my relationships and make those relationships far more productive through my understanding of WHO they ARE.

I've said it before and there is no way to under value being KNOWN- it is such an honor to feel people have invested in you- taken the time to truly listen to what you say and internalize it. So, when you have some information going in- it helps so much dodge land mines and take care with certain issues.

Because I am such a devotee of "Sextrology," I now have people ask me about their sign and I refer them to the book. There are no simple answers, but everything you need to know is covered between "Sextrology" and "Cosmic Coupling"- both books by the preeminent authors in the field of astrology.

I’m not an expert but a HUGE fan. An apprecionado, if you will.

I especially enjoy reading about people prior to meeting them- whether it's a business or social setting. You don't have to read the whole profile to scan for interesting tidbits of information. It is So Very Clever to be able to say, "Are you a Libra?"- they don’t know you already know that- they feel listened to and valued. Undoubtedly the response will be- "How did you know?" Tell them the truth- "It's the way you carry yourself …"

I can promise you, the spotlight will be squarely on you for all the right reasons. Critical in a social situation where you are meeting the hot guy to whom your friends have been dying to introduce you. Most people post their birth date on Facebook and you KNOW how I feel about being purposeful. Take a few minutes to look them up- see what you can see and do some research.

Look up the music they enjoy- listen to a few songs. Depending on your level of interest- dig in. Watch a couple of his favorite movies and remember the funny lines to drop into conversation- it will pique his interest no doubt.

Isn’t fun the best thing to have? The Clever Tribe knows how to maximize an encounter.

Be Careful What You Snoop For- You Might Find It

There is no way to stifle my anger over a situation a friend just told me about. He is happily married and has been for six years. They have two beautiful children together. About four years ago, his wife cracked his Yahoo account and found a bunch of e-mails to and from an ex-girlfriend. The e-mails were all dated prior to him meeting his wife and there were none dated after meeting his wife. This was not a woman he’d kept secret from his wife.

She read every single e-mail in the file. She was absolutely furious he still had the e-mails (along with tons of other e-mails to and from siblings and other family members). Since this incident, she is jealous and possessive, suspicious of him and any women he is in contact with. It’s a beating for him on a regular basis. It’s put a major strain on their relationship.

When asked why he kept them, he told her they marked a significant period of his life- not so much in importance but in time spent. I know him very well and have for 20 years- and I know he’s rather concerned with documentation of his life. He used to journal and tends to keep records of his life. She made him delete all of the e-mails and warned him about the consequences of him ever being in contact with the "other woman" again. Really?

Now, I’m about to get ugly and graphic so prepare. What just happened recently is that she was going through some boxes in the attic- not sure why she went through "his" stuff- and she found a journal. It chronicled his first love and the intimate details of their, uh, activity. She sat down in the attic and read every word. WTF?

War Stories

OK, Clever Girls- I'm hoping you've had some time to work through the action, comedy and sports films- or at least had the opportunity to dazzle your Clever Guys with some suggestions. As a tribute to what I consider the greatest TV show ever and one of the coolest characters created ("24" - Jack Bauer), we move into some really nasty territory- the genre almost as excruciating for most women as sports: war/military films. Again, the "*" indicates non-negotiable films in this genre. "**" indicates films non-negotiable film if you have a military or ex-military man in your life.

** "24" (A stunning series- available from seasons one through eight at a rental store. I can't recommend it highly enough)

** "Behind Enemy Lines" (Mentioned in the action films section- it is both military and action. Fantastic performances by Owen Wilson and Gene Hackman)

** "Platoon' (Berenger, Dafoe and Sheen, and the moral crisis of war and combat)

"A Few Good Men" (Cruise, Nicholson, Moore, Keifer, Bacon and Pollack)

** "Full Metal Jacket" (The quintessential Marine movie)

** "Saving Private Ryan" (Just add Tom Hanks. Barry Pepper is nice to look at)

** "Flags of Our Fathers" (If for nothing but the historic value, it’s a must see)

"Black Hawk Down" (based on the true story of a mission in Somalia)

"Pearl Harbor" (Hartnett and Affleck star in this love story, though, they’re not the couple in question)

* "Shindler's List" (This one is heavy)

"Band of Brothers" (This is a series- I believe from HBO- excellent)

Most men will watch a movie they have seen 100 times, and 100 times more if it means they don’t have to watch "Runaway Bride," "Pretty Woman"or "Miss Congeniality." Once you establish you can be trusted to bring home an amusing movie and that you are flexible at the box office, he might agree to see the occasional chick flick. Otherwise, see them with the girls. That is what they are for.

I cannot tell you how valuable seeing "Saving Private Ryan" was for me. I have several men in my life who took part in the Korean War or Gulf War, or who spent time in Afghanistan. If nothing else, I'm more understanding and compassionate toward and fascinated by those who have served our country.

Until seeing this film- I took my Dad's reticence about his time in Korea as part of his usual reticence. When I saw the movie- I realized vividly I've lived my life in a vacuum. I'd never faced one moment of true hardship or experienced patriotism. The movie is tough to take whether or not you know anyone who served or is serving in the military. It shows you unequivocally what our country asked of it's soldiers. When I left- I drove straight home and wrote my dad a long letter telling him how thankful I was for him as a man and soldier and that I felt honored to be his daughter.

I apologized for never asking about his time in the military- not realizing the danger he and other young men had faced in the name of preserving the freedom and safety of future generations. I hadn't even been born when he served time. He was just a kid- what if he hadn't lived? I can guarantee the world would have been denied a great man. Since reading and watching "Flags of Our Fathers," I've gently opened up some dialogue about his time in the military and have been stunned by the emotion he displays speaking about it.

Late in life I've learned things about a man of whom I've grown up in the image- it was shocking the burdens he's carried alone. Now I know why men sit around and tell "war stories"- because the only people who can truly understand the abject horror of what they not only lived through but what they were exposed to are one another.

Ladies- do not deny men this valuable time or diminish it in anyway. I'm not sure what the military ratio is male to female- but I'm pretty sure most women in this country will never know (God willing) the reality of combat- hand to hand or otherwise.

Another thing I learned after viewing these movies is that I might have judged harshly someone to whom I once was very close. He went to Marine boot camp and emerged after four years an entirely different man. My affection for the young man who went into the Marines made the man who came out impossible for me to reconcile. It's So Very NOT Clever to judge someone without walking in their shoes. Hell, it's So Very NOT Clever to judge at all. Fact is, I've never strapped on combat boots and gone through the most grueling physical and mental training to which one can be subjected- so who am I to judge how that "should" affect you?

These movies have historical and practical significance. They shed light. Don't stay in the dark- it's So Very NOT Clever- or safe. Copy that. Over and OUT.

It's Written in the Stars- Are YOU Reading?

As promised- it’s time to introduce you to the second book by Stella Starsky and Quinn Cox- the follow-up to "Sextrology" is called "Cosmic Coupling" and it’s an absolute must have.

Now, if you have yet to identify, I am most perspicacious and discerning. Therefore, it is a rarity a non-fiction book, concept or author gets my attention. Starksy and Cox not only have my attention, but I am laser focused on the information they are imparting.

I’ve had many ask me why I am so enthralled with these books and the response is simple. This is NOT about painting with a broad brush or flying at 30,000 feet, speaking in generalities and hoping to hit upon something- oh, no. The research they have done translates to intimate, eerily accurate knowledge of our persons- so much so that I had the urge to look the authors up to make sure I didn’t KNOW them.

As stated clearly, Capricorn is a closed book until SHE decides to open up- there might never have been a more accurate statement made about me personally. When one speaks truth- it’s difficult not to listen. I am a painfully introspective person, preferring to look inward for the answers to questions regarding my relationships, which is not to say I am to blame when things sour, but knowing I play an equal part in the creation, maintenance and even dissolution of said bonds.

"Caddyshack" is the Most Quoted Sports Film Ever- Get a Pen

Let's continue our "not to be missed" films series. Here are the sports films you MUST see to be a So Very Clever Guy's Girl. Now, this will be excruciating for some of you- I get that. But honestly, most of them have SOME human interest, and if not, maybe some tight pants or cute boys at the very least- something for everyone.

I am telling you- few things in life will bring a man to tears faster than a good sports film- so make sure you divert your eyes. Pulling out a Kleenex or placing a delicate hand on his forearm are NO NOs. Get it? Good. Geez. There is a time and place to acknowledge male tears and during a movie is NOT one of them. Funeral- maybe. Wedding- no, he's crying because you made him come- leave it alone. During a breakup? Giving into the tears means you are about to get sucked right back in, so bow out gracefully and move it.

As a refresher- the asterisks indicate films you canNOT ignore- they are part of the male fabric. The others are elective- but in this realm- I don't advise missing any.

** "Caddyshack" (this is without question the most quoted sports film- so get a pen)

** "Happy Gilmore" (this is MY most quoted sports film. "Is this goal regulation size or what?")

** "Friday Night Lights" (Billy Bob Thornton and Tim McGraw)

** "Rudy" (Sean Astin before "24")

** "The Longest Yard" (original or remake - special appearance by Dan Patrick in the new)

"Slap Shot" (still funny)

** "Invincible" (Marky Mark- remember him in his underwear)

** "61*" (Barry Pepper)

"Brian’s Song" (James Caan. Everyone cries)

"Jerry Maguire" ("You had me at hello." We’ve all heard it too many times.)

"Remember the Titans" (Denzel, Ryan Gosling, racial tension and football)

** "Bull Durham" (Costner, Sarandon and Robbins. Love and baseball.)

** "Mystery, Alaska" (Russell Crowe and hockey)

"Hoosiers" (Gene Hackman and Dennis Hopper do small town basketball)

"White Men Can’t Jump" (Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes are hustlers on the court)

"Blind Side" (great compromised- major human interest and lots of fluff)

** "Rocky" (one through one hundred are required viewing)

** "Raging Bull" (this is Joe Pesci's first film role and De Niro gained almost a half of a hundred)

** "The Natural" (Kim Basinger- my all-time girl crush)

OK, Clever Girls- it's Wednesday, which gives you exactly two days to procure four of these films. I wish I could be there when you send him an e-mail or text saying- I rented or downloaded or however you DO it- "'The Natural,' '61*', 'Friday Night Lights' and 'Caddyshack'- you bring the beer." Suggest you hole up on Friday night and Saturday to watch movies, drink the drink of choice and order in.

You are going to have So Very Much Fun this weekend. Think of it as time to sharpen the saw- relax your mind- disconnect with the outside world and connect with him on the inside.

Sextrology is So Very SeXXXy

I am tempted to do the victory dance- but Geoff cautioned me not to do it anymore- after what happened THE LAST TIME (geez, how embarrassing) but this truly was a "Sextrology" victory. I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to seduce a friend of mine with this book and it arose today- and yes, I had to be So Very Clever because he’s a skeptic.

I pulled THE BOOK out of my computer bag, where it resides- if you can imagine me carting about a generous book along with my computer and various legal pads loaded with Clever thoughts and hopeful dreams. I knew the sheer magnitude of it would catch his eye.

"What's that?" He inquired. I had to select my words carefully because I knew what would and wouldn’t turn him off.

"Oh this? My new favorite book. What’s your sign?"

"What? No way. You know I don’t believe in all that," he dismissed me with a wave.

"OK. Fine." While he went to fill his plate with Indian food, I looked up his sign- tail end of Libra and what I’d read of Libra didn’t fit at all. So, I skipped forward to Scorpio and BINGO! As he returned to the table, I began to read- from the top.

The first sentence stopped him mid-stride. He looked over my shoulder and said, "I’m not a Scorpio."

"I'm aware, but you are so close to Scorpio- it’s a better fit. Actually, it’s startlingly accurate."

"Whatever."

I had no recourse but to keep reading. By the second and third sentences, he’d yet to pick up his fork. His brow had furrowed and his eyes narrowed. By the end of the chapter, he was lying on the seat of the booth with me speaking truth over him. I know it to be truth because I KNOW him. After we'd made it through the Scorpio chapter, I realized just how honored I am to be as close a friend with him as I am. The Scorpio is a circumspect creature- they are not quick to trust and rarely welcome new people to the inner sanctum.

As he lay there- letting concepts permeate- I sighed deeply. I felt relieved- because we tend to clash a bit at times and are forever trying to figure out how to communicate without getting hurt or hurting one another. Now I KNOW. We are likely not to have as many problems and I am going to be much more discerning moving forward as to the type of woman I suggest for him. Now, don’t get me wrong- there were portions that were not spot on, but much more right on than not.

Most amusing, when we got up to leave, he picked up the book and walked out with it. I decided to let him be nonchalant and pretended not to notice him clutching it to his chest. I can’t help but wonder what he’s going to do with it- research an old love- check out the cosmic coupling at the end of each chapter- read about his parents?

The places the book can take you are stunning.

I am so excited to have the new book by Starsky & Cox in my hot little hands. It might be the ONLY reason I let him abscond with my sacred tome. Here it is next to me- beckoning me like a fiery siren, I’m hoping I don’t end up dashed upon the rocks. Regretting my decisions in life- my own couplings so to mention. In my book (not literally-) no coupling should be regretted because of what we learn. Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you wanted- right? Nah- that is cynical talk.

OK, Clever Tribe. I wouldn't steer you wrong. This book illuminates dark places in relationships. It brings about understanding and compassion. Can you imagine sense being made?

Have a great weekend and I'll meet you back here on Monday! In the meantime "Sextrology" and "Cosmic Couplings" by Stella Starsky and Quinn Cox. You WON'T be sorry. Oh, and I'm about to read a book called "Sex, Lies and Religion" by a Clever Guy named Randy Elrod. The title is So Very Compelling- but as I promised- I won't be "discussing" religion on Clever. However, I certainly will let you know what you NEED to know.

Let's Talk Movies- but NOT During the Movie

OK, Clever Girls. This is the deal. Whether on TV, rented or at the box office, movies (and other forms of entertainment) are an undeniable component of our social fabric. While it may seem at times impossible to bridge the chasm that exists between those that interest men and those that interest women, movies, like relationships, involve compromise.

There are plenty of movies both sexes can enjoy together. When the newest sappy chick flick is released, don’t invite your man; there are options. When he asks what you have planned, tell him you are thinking of asking "Susie" to go see a "sappy, cry-your-eyes-out movie." If he says, "I’ll go," then he’s committing himself to said movie, and when he complains about it later you can gently remind him he invited himself. If he says, "I’d like to see a movie with you, why don’t we pick one we both want to see?" meet somewhere between "Alien Death March" and "My Dying Breath."

There is no avoiding those testosterone-filled movies, the release of which he will be anxiously awaiting, so, Clever Girls, think ahead. Most movies are released to the theaters on Fridays. Go online, or stop at the theater when it first opens, and get some tickets he can enjoy with friends. This will prevent you from ever having to see "Predator: 1,200" and the inevitable argument over which movie to see that night. Take this as an opportunity to catch up with all of the girlfriends you’ve been neglecting since you began your relationship. Here is a perfect arena for all of that girl talk you’ve been dying to unload.

OR, find a movie you want to see that has a similar running time and suggest you all meet after for a late dinner or drinks. The point is, Clever Girls CAN avoid movies they don't want to see and they DON'T guilt men into seeing chick flicks. Like "girl talk" these movies are for the "girls" to see together. So, in May- do not force him to endure "Sex and the City II"- although I do know a lot of guys who will watch and love it. They are So Very Clever.

Address the Mess

It’s time for me to address the mess. Several people have asked me the difference between Elin Woods and Sandra Bullock. One word. Actually, it’s two. Or it has a hyphen. Hell, I don’t know, either way- it’s SELF-RESPECT. Elin, regardless of how much she loves or loved her husband- and I’ve said this from the beginning- needed to leave him. She can hide behind staying with him for "her children," but what really is she demonstrating to them? To her daughter- once you are married you will endure any abuse at the hands of your husband, be it emotional, psychological or physical? To her son- you needn’t be a good husband, hell, your father wasn’t, but your wife will stay with you so do what you will. Hmm ... When we say we are staying together for our kids- what does that mean?

Is He Listening?

I hope not to do this again, but I am sick. Absolutely, completely and totally ill. So, I have to, have to recycle a post so I thought I'd go with one of the earliest ones for new readers who don't have the time to go alllll the way back.

Whether I have pneumonia or not- expect the kettlebell post tomorrow and prepare to embark on a whole new fitness regimen and you will NOT be disappointed with the results- especially Clever Girls.

Is he listening? Mmmm. It depends on what you are saying.

With men, what you say is as important as how you say it. Perhaps the reason you didn’t get that second date was because on the first one the poor bastard nearly slipped into a boredom-induced coma over dinner as you talked incessantly about work, why you switched manicurists or your sister’s divorce.

If he can’t work in his favorite topic – himself - no matter how gorgeous you are, you might be doomed. If his attempts to introduce his interests were met with a complete lack of knowledge and interest, you can count on not hearing from him again. If you are full-time hot, and part time borefest- it will catch up to you. Be advised, if you are full-time hot- he will still probably have sex with you- but you can count on little to no follow up outside of sex.

Why didn’t that guy from the party call? You were banking on it. Think back. Can you pinpoint the moment his eyes began to dart about as if looking for an exit? Was it while you were arguing with him about abortion, lecturing him on politics or unfurling your complicated family history? While TOO MUCH INFORMATION is an overused phrase, it is overused because TOO MANY PEOPLE SHARE TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

The Ultimate Target Shooting Experience

I received a fantastic question from a reader the other day and thought it was a great topic, as marriage has so often been on Clever. She asked what ideas I had for wedding images post divorce. Hmmm.

If you have children, it would be best to package them up for the children to have some day. While they may never remember you being married- it is an important aspect of their becoming. I myself have an image of my parents on their wedding day displayed in my office- though I have no recollection of them being married. It’s nice. Simple as that.

If you have no children and the divorce was acrimonious- I suggest you purchase a Sig Sauer 9mm pistol and find a friend who has a deer lease. You’d be surprised how much anger can be resolved putting bullet holes in things. I’m kidding- kind of. This is still a part of your life, who you are and who you have become- it's not out of the realm you might have fonder memories some day, so I’d hold onto them. You don’t have to look at them ever again, but you might get married again some day, you might have children and if you are honest with them about your previous marriage- they might be curious.

Backlash- Beware Clever Young Ladies

Ok Clever Tribe, enough fun and games- it’s time to get serious for about three pages. I had the opportunity to spend time with a young woman named Christin a couple of weeks ago when I was guest speaking at a college. When I try to describe her the word comprehensive leaps to my finger tips. She shattered some notions I have been holding onto lately and for that I am grateful.

When I look back on myself at that age, I was so very different from Christin. I was defensive, a know-it-all, painfully introverted, fiercely driven to acquire knowledge as if it would "protect" me from unknown enemies. I was (and still am) circumspect and cynical, skeptical at every turn and not easily amused by the triviality of Hollywood.

The Most Dangerous Place on Earth

I warned you yesterday I was pissed off. I’ve touched on this subject before, but it’s time to go deep. Put on your parachute and prepare to pull the rip cord if it gets uncomfortable.

I was talking to a friend who is So Very Clever and he posed a question (I’m not clear on the actual source of this question, but know it is neither he nor I).

“What is the most dangerous place on earth?” I sat in my car and pondered for far too long, thinking of all of the things I consider dangerous. I was shocked the list was so long and disturbing- I had no answer. So, I gave up.

It Takes a Village- Preferably One Without an Idiot

It probably wouldn’t be right if my 100^th post was simply a recipe, so I'm going to address something I’ve been thinking about. I’ve always heard people say, “It takes a village to raise a child.” I always thought it meant because it was so much work.

Having talked with a Very Clever friend (we will call him Jason) recently who does mission work in third world countries- it finally made sense. He was telling me how he recruits big companies to lend support and is happy when the executives actually want to come on the trips and get their hands dirty instead of just writing a check. Jason said it was the same scenario each time- powerful executive whose relatively out of touch with how bad the conditions are outside his/her own bubble- excited to “make a difference” in the lives of others. Every single time, Jason says, the executive is the one whose life is forever changed- always for the better.

He doesn’t counsel or prepare people going in, because each person will take from the experience what is personal and to brace them in any way would and could diminish the impact.

Jason told me stories about arriving in villages where entire families lived in what could only be called “lean tos”- I think they are called that because the housing is make shift and leans to the right or left? Someone correct me if I am wrong (yes, I am wrong and I do apologize). What surprised him the most the first mission trip was the fact the people were happy (not our version of happy. Happy to be alive). Deeply rooted in family and community- they had made sense of the world around them and live rich lives despite the fact they rarely have the lowest rung of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs met. Food, water and shelter are scarce- but they have air and use it. How different would our attitudes be if we were simply happy to be alive. If we viewed this as the gift it is? The tenuous, precious and ephemeral gift it truly is.

I visualized this- children out playing and women gathering to wash and look after the little ones, men seeking food and fraternizing. The sense of community- of caring for one another was vivid for me even here in the land of plenty. So, the village is not in place to “help” manage the child or children- the village is a place of love and support- so the children are surrounded by affection and kindness and caring.

No other nation encourages such distance among family members- proximally or emotionally. We think it’s wrong to let our children share our bed- I over heard a man ask another man, “What does that do to your sex life?”- I started to laugh and he asked me why- I said, “Maybe he needs to get more creative.” My sister-in-law told me the time her children spend in her bed is her real time nostalgia. It was a lovely image to me- enjoying that snuggle time when my niece had a nightmare or my nephew was unwell. I could imagine her wanting to stay awake just to be aware of those moments.

Do we need to be entirely autonomous to learn to function or prosper? What is your version of being prosperous? Prosperity is wealth AND success. So, are you successful if you have attained wealth and have no significant relationships? Where did you learn relationships were expendable?

I had the opportunity to attend a rehearsal dinner over the weekend and was awestruck by the free flowing affection both families demonstrated. It was stunning for a twenty five year old man to get up in front of one hundred people (fifty of which he barely knew) and tell everyone what an amazing woman his sister was- how much he loved her and what a thoroughly beautiful woman she was. How anxious he was for her to have children so the world could welcome more children as graceful and lovely as she. Honestly. The mother of the groom recorded a song she wrote for her “precious son” and unabashedly shared it with a room full of strangers. The groom shed tears as he toasted the “crown of creation”, the woman who had changed his life.

I am struck by how few people are emotionally literate. As parents- it would seem if there were ever a time for you to show fathomless love it would be for your children- and children learn by watching you. Perhaps if they were shrouded in love- they would extend that shameless love to their siblings and grow up counting them among their closest friends. Perhaps we could create small villages, and then tribes when we welcome our friends into the villages.

Oh my gosh, is that sappy or what? This is one good reason for me not to go to weddings- I am intrigued by families.

Cincinnati Chili (Greek Spaghetti)

Ok, this recipe has a lot of ingredients but is so easy you won’t believe it. I recommend getting all your seasonings and ingredients out first- this cuts down on confusion later.

What you need

1 QT of cold water in a large soup pot

2 lbs of ground beef- very lean

2 6 oz cans of tomato paste (no spices in it)

½ tsp of all spice

½ tsp of cayenne pepper

3 cloves of garlic minced

3 tbs chili powder

2 tbs cider vinegar

1 lg bay leaf

5 whole cloves

2 tsp worchestire sauce

½ oz of bitter chocolate

1 ½ tsp salt

3 tsp cinnamon

2 medium onions virtually liquefied in a food processor

1 medium onion chopped

Fine grated cheddar cheese

Red kidney beans rinsed and drained

Spaghetti noodles

Place the ground beef in the soup pot with the water and let it separate. It should have no chunks- smooth and totally gross looking.

Combine all dry ingredients in a small bowl (except cheese, chopped onions and kidney beans and spaghetti). Combine all liquid ingredients in another small bowl (except cheese, chopped onions and kidney beans and spaghetti).

Once the ground beef is totally separated boil it for thirty minutes to reduce the water. Add all other ingredients except cheese, chopped onions and kidney beans and spaghetti. Stir until it boils. Simmer for three to four hours.

Prepare spaghetti as directed. On a plate place spaghetti and add chili (one-way), add cheese (two-way) add onions (four-way) add kidney beans (five-way). I like the onions crisp and my cheese melty- so I prepare a five way without the onion- microwave it until the cheese is melty and then add the onion on top right before serving.

This is a fantastic game day meal. Easy to prepare in advance and inexpensive for a large group. Hearty and satisfying. Do not call it chili- in Texas, no one will eat it because it doesn’t make sense. Call it Greek Spaghetti since it is a greek recipe and it’s served over pasta.

They are Children- Not Weapons

Here is the scenario- you fall in love, you get married and you have a child or a few children. You grow apart, things happen and suddenly you “don’t know each other anymore.” You struggle, you fight, you go to therapy if you are actually interested in preserving the marriage- but ultimately you let it go.

I was prompted to give this idea some thought when I was in Village Tea having some warm green tea, working, and a couple of guys came in with a 4-year-old girl. There were a few things wrong with the scene- two gym rats in a tea shop, the little girl was dressed as if for an evening out- if she were- oh, 25. I did a double-take and my heart began to pound.

What was going on here? They went to the counter, placed an order and sat adjacent to me in the “living room setting.” The little girl was quiet and gazed longingly at the play area set up for just this purpose. When she asked if she could go draw, her dad reminded her that her mother would be here momentarily to pick her up. And then there was light.

Seconds later, Mom walked in and nearly burst into tears at the sight of her 4 year old in red nail polish and an animal print outfit with one-and-a-half-inch heels. Her face flushed red and she covered the distance to her daughter in moments.

“She is your daughter, not your girlfriend!” she hissed at her former husband (no rings). He gave his child a perfunctory peck on the cheek and got up to leave. On the way out, I heard him say- “I knew that would piss her off” to his friend.

The mother opened a bag and took out a different pair of shoes (she’s been down this road before) and a brush. The waitress brought the little girl’s snack over (sliced apples and some Nutella) and the mom ordered a pot of tea. I could see she was nearly in tears and my heart clenched.

“Do you like my nails, Mommy?”

“Well, the color is lovely, honey- but it might not be a good color for a little girl. This color is for big girls and we can try it again when your older. How about if, after our tea, we go get our nails painted together?”

Her daughter beamed and they settled in to read a book before the little one went to draw and play while her mother texted furiously.

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN

The week prior, at Starbucks, a man paced and belted back his coffee. He looked at his watch every five seconds and texted intermittently. Finally, he made a call.

“I know you are doing this on purpose. You knew we had tickets to the air show. It started 20 minutes ago. By the way, he called me last night and I know you left him with a sitter so you could go out. Do I need—“

At that moment, the door opened and a little boy burst in and threw himself in his father’s arms nearly knocking him over.

“Are you ready, Dad? Come on, we have to go. We are going to be late!” His dad threw a look at mom, who didn’t even pause on the way to the counter for what looked like a much needed Venti black coffee. Dad scooped up the organic milk, a package of sliced fruit and cheese from the table and headed to the door, his face five shades of rage.

What is going on here? Fighting for your kids is supposed to mean FOR them, not with each other USING them. It saddened me to watch these scenarios play out.

It seems in most divorces there is always the parent so intent upon hurting the other they will use their child as a pawn no matter how much it hurts the child. In the first case- Dad dressed his child up as Jon Benet Ramsey, knowing it would make his wife angry. Now, does it hurt a child to wear red nail polish and high heels? Not right now, and certainly not under the keen watch of her mother- but what happens as the baby gets a little older and it is a constant battle to manage her clothing, hair and tendencies to dress suggestively.

Her mother will take the heat for not allowing it and Dad will become the hero. When she is with Dad, he will allow it. The next thing you know- Dad and fellow gym rat get hammered one night and “friend” wanders into the precocious 13 year old’s bedroom. Now, she might put up a fight, but can Dad hear? Will Dad care?

In the second case, Mom is ready to party- to be on the single scene. She might have overslept, she might have dragged her feet. What matters is, the only person she hurt was her little boy, because he likely missed not only part of the air show, but his precious little time with his dad.

Now, in a typical divorce arrangement the child is awarded to Mom (regardless of her qualifications as a mother) and Dad gets to see the child/ren for dinner one night weekly and every other weekend. I have some recommendations for dads who’d like more time with their child and want to write it into the divorce decree, because as amenable as she is when you part ways (maybe because she is the one who wanted a divorce,) as soon as you start seeing someone or as soon as you reveal you have a girlfriend- she will likely fight you for every minute with your child.

1) If Mom is going out of town or even out for the evening, Dad is to be the first choice as a sitter.

2) If Mom begins dating, there will be no overnight visits unless the child is staying with Dad. If Mom wants an unscheduled overnight visit, Dad is to be notified and allowed to take possession of the child/ren.

The same holds true for Dad- it is a matter of consideration and the more considerate you can be with one another, for the sake of your children, the better. You have no idea the damage that can be done to little children during the course of a divorce, even when your entire focus is their well- being. Disengaging and lavishing yourself with perks and nights out with friends can be at the expense of your child. I know you think you deserve it- you were “wronged,” your self-esteem is hurting, you are depressed. Well, guess what? You don’t get to be depressed and express hurt or anger toward your spouse. You have a child and what that child needs to feel is security and stability during this time.

"Fighting for custody" because you want to hurt your wife or soon to be ex-wife is not right and likely you will not win. It is a fact. A Very Clever Daddy once told me- "In Texas, a woman can have a crack pipe in her mouth and a needle hanging from her arm and she will still get custody." That is WRONG. There are a great number of fathers who are more capable, engaged and loving than the mothers, but sadly, nine of 10 times, the mother is awarded custody. Threatening each other is shameful. If you must hurt one another- find another way.

This world started going to hell on a greased rail when we started putting our own wants before the needs of our children. I say "we" because we are all guilty of doing it from time to time- but it’s not the "time to time" that does the damage- it’s the "all the time." The new way of life for your child.

If you create a toxic environment for your child, they will be poisoned by it and there is virtually no way to stop it.

I am a firm believer people grow and change- but you loved this person once, you believed in them enough to have a child with them. For the sake of your child- hold onto that, if nothing else- and know they love their child and want to be with that child. Do not use your little babies as weapons. If you must call your ex and set up a meeting where you can scream and rant and rave- do it. Do not sleep through Dad’s time (he gets so very little)- do not put your children in a position to pit them against Mom.

When you were married- you delighted in the fact he walked through the door and headed straight for your daughter. Now, you are trying to deny him access to hurt him? SHAME on you. You encouraged her to have children, though she was a severe career woman, she fell in love with staying home with the children but is now forced back into the workplace as a result of the divorce and you are punishing her for it? Belittling her as a mother for not being there for her children? Castigating her for heading out for an evening with friends- SHAME on you. Making yourself into the Disney parent (the one who doesn’t discipline, who showers the child with gifts and trips) just to undermine the efforts of the other parent- SHAME on you.

Bottom line- you had children with this person and the only scars that will likely be eternal are the ones you cause your children. Grow up.

Older Women Are Hot- It's A Fact

Good afternoon, Clever Tribe. I attended an event last evening and learned something interesting. I thought I would share it with you because it proves a point I made weeks ago.

In discussions of the Cougar concept- again, recall the Urbandictionary.com definition of a Cougar? It was repellant and not at all flattering to women. I challenged the notion of labeling women- it happens too often. For example- former terms of status offered to women have now been derogated. Master and Mistress of the home- mistress is now a negative term used for a woman. Why is there not a name for the “other man?” We have a mistress- the term used to describe the “other woman,” but where is the male label?

Sir and Madam? We still say sir, but now madam is generally a negative word used to label a woman who runs a brothel or even a “ring” of prostitutes or escorts. Hmmm. Weird. We do, in this case, however, have the alternate terms for a man- pimp- but consider the fact the word madam used to be one of prestige and is no longer.

King and Queen is another great example- king still holds power, queen is a slap in the face to a woman and a slur referring to a flamboyant gay man.

The point to all of this is- why is there a negative word used to describe a woman who is attracted to younger men? Further, why in the definition of the label is there another word used that is also negative- prey.

So- GOOD NEWS. I met a very handsome boy of the tender age 30-ish. We got to talking because his hair is absolutely fabulous and so Bradley Cooper. During our discussion- he made an off-hand acknowledgement of a woman’s attractiveness and I was shocked because she was easily 10 years older than he. I laughed and said- you do realize she is my age- right? He confidently and resolutely told me he was totally into older women. Being so very curious as I am- I inquired.

He told me older women are appealing from a sexual standpoint because they don’t have to be led by the hand and taught anything. They generally are more experienced, eager and find him endlessly attractive (hmmm- this is not an unattractive guy in anyway). I am pretty sure most women would find him attractive- so I wondered what an older woman would do or say to make him feel he was more attractive than, say, a younger woman.

It hit me square in the face. Men are tired of pursuing. It is flattering to be pursued and older women are motivated and confident and done playing games. I am oversimplifying and do not mean “all older women” or “all younger women”- but it is true. With some maturity, we generally dispense with game playing and being coy. A woman in her 40s is likely to get to the heart of the matter. She is not looking for a “husband” or someone to father her children- been there, done that and not looking to go back.

It is a simple equation. A sweet spot for men. Hmmm. A sweet spot for women. Fantastic. I want to thank this VERY CLEVER and handsome boy (man) for enlightening me. Now, we still need a label for this curious set of men who enjoy the sweet spot and I say spot because it generally doesn’t last. Why?

Society has conditioned us to believe we date and then meet someone and get married- have a child or two and that is that. Society is being redefined, however, and while it has long been accepted for an older man to “chase” younger women or even “catch” them and marry them- it’s taking a while for a comfort level to be created for women. I'm not sure why- look at Cleopatra? She married a younger man- granted, it was her brother- but it was common in 69 B.C. So why didn't older women with younger men gain in popularity instead of lose appeal? I have some theories, but they might be a bit controversial. Hmmm.

I must say- these young men are So Very Clever indeed and know to avoid the “never married” and childless older woman- because she might have more in mind than fun and casual interaction. They thrive on divorced women with children who are old enough to be self-sufficient. This allows for more regular- uh, interaction, but no overnighters. It’s brilliant- really. So, I would like to officially request this label of Cougar be reworked. What you are really talking about is a wily, artful and Clever woman who knows what she wants, has the confidence to pursue and isn’t afraid to pursue a man. I have an idea- let’s call them- So Very Clever Women, and those cunning young men- So Very Clever Boys. See, there is no reason to be negative. Geez. So much negativity. It’s tiresome- really.

As a matter of fact- I am calling for a moratorium on negativity for the Clever Tribe. No more. Why? Because if the option is to interpret or approach a situation in one of two ways- the outcome of which is related to your approach- why would you pick negative over positive? You get what you give, and if you consistently give negativity, you will consistently get negativity. Change your tack- you are a vessel capable of such.

I have to leave you with a quote from "Arthur" (easily my favorite movie in history). The context is his future father-in-law, Burt Johnson, has just entered his own library. Arthur, who is on his second fifth of scotch asks if he’d like a drink.

“I don’t drink. No one in my family ever drinks. It impairs your judgment.”

Arthur looks confused for a moment and then says, “I don’t know. I can’t decide.”

Is that the funniest thing ever?

OK, enough from me today. I want to offer a heartfelt thanks to that Bradley Cooperesque boy from the party last night- he truly helped redefine the concept for me. Young men are not being “preyed upon”- they are waiting to be pursued. Another thing he alluded to was that So Very Clever Women like to take charge in the bedroom and how refreshing that was to be “wanted” in such a way. Hmmmm. Tres Sexy.

Oh, and if you are looking for some wedding planning tips in between my wedding planning posts, check me out here. This is a great resource whether or not you live in Dallas.

x

It Must Be Nice to be Perfect

I got to thinking today about the “Policy of Truth” by Depeche Mode. Before we move forward- as friends, you should know, I am a huge fan of this band and have been for so long I might date myself were I to adhere to the policy of truth. The reason I was thinking about this was because I was confronted with two scenarios in the past week where infidelity was at the core. While I was enjoying some tea last week, I overheard the following conversation.

“Well, Dan told me he had an affair.”

“What? Oh my God! Are you OK?”

“Not really.”

“Of course not. Geez. I’m so sorry.”

“Me, too. Now I have to do something.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t care. It doesn’t change the fact that I love him and want to be married to him. I suspected he was not faithful for a while- but confronting him seemed like the quickest way to end my marriage- and that is not what I want. So, now he feels like he’s destroyed our marriage and is moving out because he is unworthy of me.”

I had to stop listening there. I get what she is saying. He shifted the burden. He couldn’t handle it anymore- the guilt- and so he shared it with her. All he really did in relieving himself was to burden her.

There is a social psychologist at the University of Minnesota conducting some fascinating work on interpersonal relationships. I encountered her teachings while I was in college and some of her concepts have resonated all this time- and yes, it has been a loooong time. Her name is Ellen Bercheid and she is So Very Clever.

Most notably is the idea that sometimes a close relationship has to go through an upheaval of sorts in order for people to come back together. In some cases it’s an affair, or a death in the family- or even the threat of divorce.

Since we are talking about affairs- I’ll stay focused. In my estimation- in some relationships which have truly grown stagnant- an affair has been the inciting incident waking each other up and forcing them to take inventory of the relationship. Is it worthwhile? Is it salvageable? Do either of them want to salvage it?

Other times an affair can be one person’s way of forcing the hand of their partner. If they know an affair is unforgivable, entering into one, with the intention of “getting caught” or revealing the infidelity is a calculated way to begin the uncoupling process.

I wanted to let the woman above know this likely means he has uncoupled. If he loved his wife and wanted the marriage to stay intact he’d have fallen to his knees and begged forgiveness. If he regretted his actions and came to learn, through such a massive shake-up the value of his family, they’d work together to work through it.

However, instead he is moving out because he feels “unworthy” of her. This sounds made up to me. Heck, he might not even have had an affair- maybe he just “wanted out” and didn’t know how to get out. We discussed before that if someone wants to dissolve your relationship, whether it is a friendship or a partnership or a marriage, you need to exercise dignity and respect. In this case, I think a long talk would be worthwhile before she lets go of her marriage.

She has a right to ask why he had an affair. Frankly, it could enlighten her to some aspects of her “marital conduct”- perhaps she isn’t a good wife or the wife he expected her to be. Granted, it would have been a better idea to communicate such as opposed to having an affair. However, maybe he did communicate it to her. What if he had encouraged her for years to get back into the shape she was in when they married- what if she simply didn’t do it? She always found a reason not to lose the weight. Perhaps he’d been honest with her regarding his sex drive and attraction to her- not only had it diminished physically, but he was feeling hurt and taken for granted because she didn’t feel it necessary to stay appealing for him. Maybe he just wanted to have sex with someone who desired him and looked good to him.

Or, maybe he was panicking the way some do as they reach mid-life- wanted to prove himself attractive to others- still viable and appealing. This is not unusual for either sex- women have mid-life crises as well.

Maybe he cheated because his wife doesn’t champion him anymore, make him feel important and admire his accomplishments. Perhaps they no longer discuss their respective professional endeavors and have grown apart completely- finding comfort and solace in those a work who “understand” them.

Could he have come to learn they have nothing in common? People are dynamic- rarely are they unchanging- so, it is likely individuals will grow and change through out the course of any long-standing relationship. The option is to stay engaged or to invest elsewhere.

If you are married- think about the reality of marriage for a moment- is it better than you expected? Different? Not at all what you signed on for?

If you are not married- what are your expectations for marriage? I highly recommend sharing those as an engaged couple- because as you grow and change- so too will your desires and expectations for yourselves and each other. Further, you might think you know what type of parent you intend to be- and then BOOM- there is a little person and all of the forethought seems irrelevant- subjugated to emotion. This is truly one time when reason is trumped by emotion and it seems, well, reasonable.

The fact is- there are hundreds of reasons people are unfaithful. Another fact is that an affair is not the problem but a symptom of a problem in the marriage. It can be a catalyst to dig into the marriage and do the work you have been avoiding, ignoring or refusing to do. Often, the threat of losing the one you love is what it takes to wake up and be a better wife, mother, husband, father, son or friend.

The other scenario of which I became a part was during a party when a bunch of people I knew were “gossiping” about a woman who wasn’t there. Seems she cheated on her husband. Everyone was willing so indict her on the spot.

“Oh, poor Mark. What he must be going through. I can’t imagine- they have only been married for four years- and with a new baby.”

There was a ton of "tsk-tsking" and it was irritating me. With the crowd I was in- "tsk-tsking" is their way of saying- thank god it’s not me. I asked if anyone had talked to her and they all looked at me like I’d arrived fresh from a leper colony.

I stepped outside and called our friend- Tara.

“I can’t believe you are calling me.”

“Why?”

“Everyone knows.”

“So.”

“So?”

“Are you OK?”

“No.” She dissolved into tears and I waited many long moments while she tried and failed to communicate. I offered to meet her for a glass of wine and she agreed.

During our conversation I learned things about her marriage no one knew. Things she had protected for him and for them as his business and their livelihood would have been affected greatly. It would seem he is extremely mentally ill and has been most of his life. Since she met him, he’d been highly medicated and was not honest about his condition. His family was not honest about it. Her pregnancy in some way derailed him and he’d gone off his medication completely, leaving her to share her home and her life with someone she didn’t know.

For two years she battled with him to get help, to go back on his medication. She saw a therapist herself and researched his illness intently. Having gone off his medication, he could not sustain his job and within a couple of years, they had burned through their entire savings and he’d been put on medical leave. As with many mental conditions- self medication is exactly what the patient orders- so, he began the spiral. She was lonely and afraid for herself and her child. She confident in no one as she tried to maintain the appearance of normalcy.

During a long visit with her father while her husband was in a residential treatment center- she was reunited with her first love. She tried to fight the urge to spend time with him, but the fact was- he seemed safe. As they tend to, one thing led to another. Now, she has decided to stay with her husband as they have a young son and he has promised to remain in treatment and continue his medication.

HOWEVER. Her faith, love and trust has been damaged as well as her respect for him as a man, a husband and a father. She struggled mightily with her infidelity and finally told him. After much thought and with a clearer mind,he determined as long as she abandoned the affair- he would consider it the past. She is not sure she can restore her feelings for her husband- or let go the feelings for her lover.

Now, does this sound like a situation anyone outside the marriage should be judging or commenting on? NO. Again, and I brought it up when we talked about Tiger- it’s really no one else’s business. So, in this case- the abuse and horror Tara had endured for four years is now compounded by her “friends” not only gossiping about her, but judging her and turning on her. Unacceptable.

All that to say this: If one of your friends seems to have done something with which you don't agree- go to them, talk to them. It might turn out you agree with them after all. The measure of the friend you are is the friend you are when things fall apart. Don't be a fair-weather friend. NOT CLEVER.

Ok, are we done with the holidays for a while? Geez. Feel like I never get anything done. We do need to cover some more wedding planning- as the bulk of couples get engaged between November 1 and February 14. I want to make sure you are ready to begin.

I'd like to start an MMA series, discuss kettlebells and check in with the NHL and the NBA. I suppose I should weigh in on yet another steroid controversy and see what is happening with Mike Leach.