A Standing Ovation

Mike preparing for his 2009 calendar shoot

As I walked into the American Airline’s Center last evening for the Dallas Stars home opener against Detroit, I had no idea my Friday game day post was going to take on an emotional bent.

I expected business as usual for the game at which my two favorite teams would face off, but there was so much at play.  I don’t think I had truly wrapped my mind around the fact that Mike Modano would be wearing a Red Wings jersey.  My rational self knew this would be the case, and while I knew he would not be wearing Gordie Howe’s jersey (Clever Girls- Gordie Howe was number 9 on the Detroit Red Wings and easily one of the best players in the history of the game.  His number has been immortalized in retirement- so it was unavailable to Mike, who has alway worn number 9.), it still was absolutely shocking to me.  

Mike was truly the heart and soul of the Minnesota North Stars and then the Dallas Stars- the leader who didn’t need a C on his chest to lead.  He was the marquee player, handsome and magnetic- a man who put asses in seats.  Asses in seats who didn’t know center ice seats were not the same as seats at the 50-yard line.  Mike Modano was responsible in a big way for making hockey come alive in a city that had never seen ice let alone try to stand on it. 

I am not, in any way, minimizing Derian Hatcher’s quiet, stoic and effective leadership as captain- nor am I discounting Brenden Morrow’s capable execution as the new front man. As a matter of fact, from the day I met Brenden, I told his wife he was the future of the Dallas Stars organization.  I’m proud to know all three men and am impressed with how they have maintained their integrity and brought their teams to championships. 

My emotions were startlingly mixed to see Mike in the jersey I’ve revered since I was a child.  A Sterling Heights native- a young star in the state of Michigan- it is poetic to have him go home.  However, when I saw his face, as he received a four-minute continuous standing ovation, I actually choked up a bit.  He misses Dallas- his life was here for more than a decade.  What he accomplished as a Dallas Star might likely never be exceeded, records that might go unbroken.  He left a legacy here and the city of Dallas came to their feet to express their gratitude.  It was lovely.  Awe inspiring.  The true mark of the value of your presence is the appreciation that lingers when you leave. 

Brenden, me and his gorgeous wife, Anne-Marie Carbonneau Morrow

Brenden Morrow is a fantastic leader and a good man, loving father and husband (with a hot wife)- he IS the future of the Dallas Stars- but Mike Modano has left an indelible mark not only on the organization but the hearts of the fans. 

Mike will be an asset where ever he is- he holds the record for the most goals by a U.S.-born player and is a quintessential finesse forward (for Clever Guy’s Girls- this means he is a master puck handler and will find holes that don’t exist- could find the net in the dark and can skate circles around those in his way).  As the number one draft pick in 1988, the North Stars knew then what we all know NOW. 

We all wish you the best of luck and I'm expecting greatness out of you, Mike.  You are wearing my team colors now. 

Mike Modano featured at Hotel ZaZa in one of the Magnificent Seven suites

On a less kind note- I was horrified to see the Wings had not retired Bob Probert’s number, 24.  For Clever Guys’ Girls, Bob Probert was easily one of the most feared enforcers (thugs) of all time.  He spent the bulk of his career exacting revenge on players stupid enough to mess with his fellow Red Wings and then did a stint with the Chicago Blackhawks.  Either way, after more than a decade of battling substance abuse- he passed away a couple months ago from a heart attack while on a boating trip with his family.  I was devastated, as I’d known Bob for 20 years and he was, by far, one of the kindest, gentlest men I’ve ever met.  In light of his contribution to the Red Wings, I’d like request they retire the number.  Thank you.

OK- enough of this emotional shit.  Game day, game day, game day.  What do I want?  That’s easy- a four-game upset.  Auburn, Michigan, Texas and Wisconsin.  Why?  I love UT and hate to see them struggle- I understand everyone has to rebuild, but …  

UM because I detest what RichRod is doing to my team.  I said during my interview on ESPN radio that if RichRod allowed the defense to dismantle this season, he might as well jump in front of a bus- it’s not looking good for him.  He will not be back next year.  Clever Girls- UM is about to face some intense conference defense and Iowa is going to try to stifle Denard Robinson on the run.  So, I hope he’s taken the week to gain some confidence in the air- because if the MSU debacle was any indication of his depth against a strong offense- we are in a river of shit and trying to swim upstream. 

Wisconsin proves a challenge for OSU every year so let’s just hope upon hope they take a header on this one.   I need them to drop the ball so UM’s loss to State isn’t such a detriment.  Right now it’s looking to be MSU and OSU battling it out for the Big Ten Championship and while I will still be able to smile at being there- State won’t win it- so "it just doesn’t matter.  It just doesn’t matter.  It just doesn’t matter."  Clever Girls that is a line from "Animal House," easily one of the all-time Guy movies and a must see.  

Arkansas- needs to take a bath.  I want to make sure Ryan Mallet gains no Heisman cred because I fear he’s about to be knocked out of contention.  This weekend is going to be a huge upset for the Heisman hopefuls.

Taylor Martinez (Nebraska) will go up.  Denard (the current leader) will go down.  Terrelle Pryor will go up, LaMichael James is on a bye (Oregon), Kellan Moore (Boise State) will go up.  So big shake-ups.  Know this stuff, ladies- it’s invaluable. 

I am pretty sure that’s all you need to know for this week.  Big UPSETS WANTED.

I’m over and OUT.  Back at it Monday. 


For more on week 7, click here to go to my Bleacher Report article. 

How Did Favre Get Those Phone Numbers?

OK, as you all know, you only have to ask me 12 times before I feel compelled to share my view regarding a subject.  Now, generally I’m disinclined to comment on the NFL and the NBA- why?  Because they are quickly becoming leagues ruled by thugs and miscreants.  Yes, there are some notable exceptions- the Mannings (though I don’t agree with Eli’s crybaby fit when he was drafted), Tom Brady, Grant Hill, Barry Sanders, Walter Payton and many more. Sadly, though, a few stinking rotten carcasses ruin an otherwise lovely walk down a country road.

Sports are supposed to be pasttimes and family events- a part of the fabric of our country- but are quickly turning into political machines. The athletes are overpaid, overappreciated, overworked, undermananaged and allowed to run amuck. 

So, why the FREAKING hell is Brett Favre (whom I don’t particularly care for) being harangued for alleged inappropriate behavior? Because let’s be honest- the conduct of nine of 10 professional athletes, most of which is far more offensive, goes unpunished.  This is absurd and nothing more than a distraction for the Monday night football game.

If you are going to dress the way Jenn Sterger dresses off the "field"- there is a good chance you will become the "target" of some inappropriate advances.  This is directly in line with the woman who wears low-cut shirts and feigns offense when men and or women are preoccupied with the cleavage.  Please stop pretending you are offended- it's offensive.  Wear a freaking turtleneck if it is such an affront to you.

Further- I have to say it- you know what you are getting into when you becoming a sideline commentator and nine of 10 not only accept the cast of characters but have found a clever way to put themselves directly in the path of wealthy players.  Honestly- are we going to pretend that isn’t part of the appeal?  I love sports as much as the next girl- but I have loftier goals than to shove a microphone in the face of a professional athlete or coach. 

Next?  Brett Favre is, well, Brett Favre, and I will not, for one second, believe that any "sideline reporter" who tends to dress like a dancer when not at "work" would be offended by his interest.  If you revere your craft- you will be able to respect his accomplishments and would likely be flattered.  I’d be flattered beyond flattered to be pursued intellectually by Stephen King or Greg Iles.  I doubt highly Brett was rebuffed by any of the women he allegedly pursued via text. 

Further, how did he get their phone numbers?  Did he inquire politely asking if they could sit down and discuss his future, maybe in the form of an exclusive interview? If so, why a "sideline" report and a couple of masseuses?  Are the masseuses independent contractors- so that he'd need to acquire their phone numbers?  It smacks of desire to extort, defame or humiliate.  Am I surprised?  No.  You can guarantee some money has already changed hands from the Favre camp- I just hope these girls put it to good use, maybe toward enriching their careers.  While he does nothing for me- he’s not exactly hideous- he’s famous- rich and tres male.  What is not to love if you are a "sportscaster?" 

The whole thing is absurd.  I have a feeling the texts have been held fast and only now hit their peak sale price due to the Monday night football game. And, yes, I know they were "released" in August, but that was off-season- no one cared.  If he is "reprimanded" for this, when Randy Moss and Terrell Owens are allowed to disgrace the game with their brazen and idiotic behavior EVERY time they take the field, then I'm even more disgusted today than I was yesterday.

To some degree this is a private matter.  What about Tiger Woods?  I KNEW you were going to say that.  Totally different.  Brett Favre has not made a living and built a reputation of bulletproof purity and morality.  He's just a normal guy's guy.  He's not out there protecting his halo- he simply functions.  TWinc. is a different ballgame all together.  Much of his fortune was built on his "character."

OK- enough about that gross topic.  NCAA football.  I'm obviously upset with University of Michigan's performance- Denard is still the Heisman front runner, but we have a problem.  Michigan is about to start a tough conference run and we are all but without defense.  Now, while this has nothing to do with Denard directly, we can’t win without stopping our opponent.  Momentum does matter- and if we are running up the score, but allowing the opponent to do the same …

I stated on ESPN radio the other day- if RichRod allows the defense to implode this season he might as well jump in front of a train. It's not looking good for him. 

Michigan State cracked the top 10 and they already have Notre Dame and Wisconsin behind them- they are in a better position to play OSU for a championship.  There’s no doubt I'm deeply distressed- it wasn't in the bag, at all, but come on. 

Alabama and Stanford dropped the ball as well. The playing field is leveling.  Now, OSU and Boise State and TCU need to fall. 

OK, I'll continue with my Top Five Clever Topics for Guy's Girls Week Seven on Friday.  There will be recipes up on Thursday in conjunction with my ESPN radio segment with Erin Hogan.

Tomorrow I need to run some Clever Commentary- I’ve been itching to explore adultery again.

X

Top Five Clever Topics for a Guy's Girl Entering Week Six

In a feature that will begin appearing up to twice weekly (on bleacher report), here is the first list of five items a woman who might want to be considered a So Very Clever Guy’s Girl should peruse.  I won’t exhaust any of it- as with all things So Very Clever, I will give you the broad strokes and depend on you to delve further if you are inclined.  One reason you might be inclined is if you’ve been invited to view one of the games in question- it is tantamount to locker room talk for guys to listen to well informed sports talk from a woman (as long as it’s not during play).  Another reason you might brush up is if one (of many) of the men in your life is a big fan of one of the teams I reference.  So, don’t be lazy.  Use Bleacher Report- sign up for your man’s alma mater, his favorite professional teams and receive emails daily.  They might as well be holding your hand (the way I do).

5.  Texas does NOT play this week- so if you live there, and are invited to watch football with the guys- do not ask, “When is the Texas game?”  They are on a “bye”- which is a week off from play.  This could be a good time for the bye with Texas- it will give them time to rest (though I doubt that is happening) and gear up for what will likely amount to a good old fashioned whoopin’ by Nebraska.

4.  Florida and LSU play this weekend and both teams are struggling.  Les Miles is still coaching for LSU so it’s an adventure every week.  Clever Girls, Les Miles was an assistant at University of Michigan (a great item to inquire about- note I said inquire about not assert) and was the hopeful for coach when Rich Rodriguez (RichRod) was hired from West Virginia. 

3.  The Michigan State Spartans coach, Mark Dantonio was slated to return to the field with his team for the first time since his heart attack following a win over Notre Dame.  Now, I personally think the overtime win itself was reason enough for the heart attack, but I think it had more to do with the faked field goal run in for a Bates to Gannt touch down.  Pretty awesome stuff- the play, not the heart surgery- though that is pretty impressive as well.  Dantonio will be coaching from a box.

2.  The University of Michigan will take on the Michigan State University Spartans.  This is a HUGE college rivalry and emotion will be a factor.  I could spew stats all day long, but playing in the Big House (the Michigan Stadium) is unlike play anywhere and it can weigh heavily on the outcome.  Bottom line, the best defense wins.  It is questionable whether Michigan’s defense can hold up against the run or the pass (RichRod’s former team, West Virginia, was not known for defense either).

1.  Denard Robinson is likely to be his explosive self and hold his position as number one Heisman choice by the Heisman pundit poll.  I couldn’t be more proud if he were my own.

Here is a fantastic trivia question a So Very Clever Girl posed- How many college teams have mascots that do not end in s?
The answer is 28.  These are the teams and their mascots.  Now, before I give up the goods, I want to make clear- this is not a change for you to show off- guys HATE girls who act as if they know more about sports (or anything else) than the guys.  So, you will say instead- "Oh my gosh- I had someone ask me a trivia question and I could only answer like TWO!  Can you guys help me fill in the blanks?"  They will likely pay worship.  And the teams are:

Alabama Crimson Tide
Notre Dame Fighting Irish 
NC State Wolfpack 
Nevada Wolfpack 
Illinois Fighing Illini 
Marshall Thundering Herd 
Tulane Green 
UMass Minutemen 
Syracuse Orange 
St. Johns Red Storm 
North Texas Mean Green 
Stanford Cardinal 
Navy Midshipmen 
Tulsa Golden Hurricane 
North Dakota Fighing Sioux 
Wisconsin-Green Bay Phoenix 
William and Mary Tribe
Harvard Crimson
Dartmouth Big Green 
Cornell Big Red 
Hofstra Pride 
Bucknell Bison 
Elon Phoenix
Centenary College of Louisiana Gentlemen 
Howard Bison
Union Dutchmen
St. Francis Red Flash
North Dakota State Bison  

Red River Shoot-out 2010

Because I am the luckiest Clever Girl on Earth- I’m currently having an ice cold Bud Light and fresh lime with my go-to sports guy- Erin Hogan of ESPN Austin. I can’t imagine anything as enthralling as the all-football-almost-all-0f-the-time talk we are going to have for days on end. He and the rest of the guys- Sean Adams, Geoff Ketchum, Chip Brown and Chad Hastings- will be at Dick’s Last Resort in Victory Park from 1-7 p.m. Friday and Dick's will be gameday broadcast headquarters Saturday. Come out and get a load of them. Again, So Very Handsome group of guys- any Clever Girl can find something to gaze upon.

However, do not show up if you have not done some research. So, this is a three-part post and I expect you to put some time into your approach to gameday- and I do mean beyond figuring out what jeans you are going to wear (incidentally, the ones that look best should be on the top of your list).

Top Five Reasons a So Very Clever Guy’s Girl Should Read Bleacher Report

5. Because you're lazy if you don’t.

4. Oprah is retiring and what the freaking hell else are you going to do during that 40 minutes (in fast forward through commercials) you carved out daily?

3. They do the work for you- by researching all available media portals to provide the discerning sports talk junkie with the most up to the minute info a Guy’s Girl could ask for.

2. You will likely not survive for one minute in a group of sports minded dudes without at least reading the top two stories delivered to your e-mail (could not be any easier for you) prior to game day. Unless of course you have Erin Hogan as your front man- as I DO.

1. I was going to punk out with "It Rules," but Erin insisted we relax a bit and be more Clever. Because it requires so little investment of time to showcase your prowess- why would you not do it? Don’t forget, if you are stumped- say "Wow, I’d never thought of that," or "What do YOU think?" or "You are so Clever." Works every time.

What is higher than one? Like higher than the 4.0 grade point average? Your man will consider your knowledge on par with a nooner. This is the type of thing that happens when E and I share a few beers. So Very Clever commentary – for YOU.

Top Five Reasons Texas is Going to Lose the Red River Shoot-out

5. Better more experienced quarterback generally wins. V to OU.

4. The Longhorn’s best receivers are a freshman and a sophomore- the freshman is hurt. The rest can’t catch a cold or run junior high passing routes. Perhaps they would do well on Appalachian State or, hell, on University of Michigan the last two years.

3. The Texas offense has mastered grab-ass- but that is not as effective as taking anyone to the turf or, hell, even blocking them.

2. This team is on par with football turf when it comes to rating their football IQ- it seems team play is not as intuitive as it should be for one of the best recruited teams in the nation.

1. Unless there’s been a personnel change- Greg Davis will still be calling the shots.

Now- just so Julie doesn’t quit speaking to me after almost two decades of friendship- I am going to have to challenge all of this with …

Top Five Reason Texas is Going to Win the Red River Shoot-out

5. I look better in Burnt Orange than Crimson. Aside from that, I’m pressing E Hogan to be So Very Clever- The Sooners once vaunted D has given up an average of 28 points to the likes of Utah State, Air Force and Cincinnati (are you listening Greg Davis?)

4. The Okies O-line (offensive line) has also attended the grab-ass academy of holding and are drawing some significant penalties. Muschamp's (UT defensive coordinator) front seven (defensive line) will abuse them.

3. Under pressure, Landry Jones (Clever Girls- this is the OU man at the helm- and by helm I mean QB) makes coffee nervous and becomes color blind. Honestly- there is no end to E Hogan’s Cleverness.

2. The Sooners have their Greg Davis equal in Brent Venebles who has a similar approval ratings in Oklahoma as our Commander in Chief.

1. Bob Stoops, once known as "Big Game Bob Stoops" is now "Big Flop Bob" outside Norman. Since being humiliated in the 2004 National Championship game by USC (now, regardless of whether the NCAA strips USC of that title- they still got spanked- and it wasn’t the good kind of ass-slapping) the Sooners are a .500 football team- away from the friendly confines of Norman, Joklahoma. This includes four of five straight drops to Texas.

I’m now relatively sure the amount of s*&^ I'm going to take from Julie is just about what I can stand. I'm going to put up HORNS proudly- I can take a loss as well as the next girl. Hell, I'm a UM fan and I'm from Detroit. It's the hard-knock life for us.

Side note- University of Michigan- D-Rob is clear for play (Denard Robinson) which should make for some riveting play action on Saturday in Bloomington, Ind. I CAN NOT wait. I know, right know, RichRod is counting his freaking blessings for the fact that D-Rob is going to save his head from the guillotine. I was the one in the hood, BTW- I guess I’ll have to WAIT until Jim Harbaugh dares to return to UM.

This and That- But Mostly Football

I need to preface this post and all those that I write between now and October 1st with the notification that my editor, Alisa, is relaxing somewhere on a cruise ship. It seems unfair she would not only leave me but leave me with typos, grammatical errors and- gasp- punctuation issues! You will see rampant use of the "dash" while she is gone and I will take hell for it when she returns.

OK, Clever Girls, University of Michigan might not be your team, and I am sure everyone is tired of me going on and on about my Wolverines, but history is being made here and it’s important for you to read sports-related blurbs because whether or not you or anyone else likes UM- the following names are going to come up time and again this season: Rich Rodriguez and Denard Robinson- RichRod and D-Rob, respectively. A So Very Clever Guy's Girl will know all about this.

Why? Because RichRod came from West Virginia, where he did an impressive job coaching though the translation to UM has been rocky to say the least. He came in insisting he implement a spread offense and we didn’t have the right players to execute it. Finally, his ass and his job are about to be saved by a young man named Denard.

In order to execute a spread option, you need a quick, intuitive, efficient and highly mobile quarterback who can handle the shotgun (the center pitches the ball to the quarterback) and play under center (the center hands the ball off to the quarterback). In the ideal (what UM has with D-Rob at the helm) scenario, you have a solid pocket (the protection area for the quarterback made up of the offensive linemen) giving your quarterback plenty of time to find a receiver or hand off the ball.

D-Rob elevates this set up by having little concern for whether or not the pocket will collapse- if he is unable to execute the desired play he runs for daylight. He doesn’t just find holes- he creates them. Impressive, explosive- which is why I am jacked out of shape about his bruised left knee. RichRod says he is going to play this weekend, but his knee isn’t going to get a break for a couple weeks.

Why else is history being made? Well, two years ago UM had two walk-on quarterbacks and now we have THREE viable options and they all are young boys. I thought for sure they would red-shirt Tate Forcier, but D-Rob’s injury forcie’d a quick decision and Tate now owns a bit of UM football history having completed 12 of 12 passes- an efficiency record for UM. Fantastic- so glad he is being given a chance to redeem himself after the disaster last year. I will never hang the miserable record on Tate. Fact is- he was not the person to lead the charge on an offensive strategy RichRod was forcing. It is, in part, the coach’s job to admit failure- you can’t implement a play style if you don’t have the right players for the job. He should have put more effort into recruiting and found the right players. We suck in recruiting- we got lucky with Denard and perhaps a national championship will help us to regain some of our former glory we deserve as the winningest college football team in history. My gosh, we should have players banging on our doors like UT does. It’s embarrassing.

Now- about those Hogs. The only silver lining to that cloud is that Mallett messed up in the end getting picked off (throwing an interception). The Heisman race is hot already, Clever Girls- so the names Mark Ingram (Alabama), Ryan Mallett (Arkansas) and Denard are going to be coming up a lot. The Arkansas loss will keep Denard at the top of the Heisman pundit poll despite the fact he only played for seven minutes he amassed almost 200 yards- if he’d stayed in that game we’d have hung a hundred on Bowling Green (there is a reason Corvette leaps to mind and not football- but a win is a win). The bad news? 'Bama rolls on and so does Mark Ingram, and the Heisman voters have been itching for another back-to-back Heisman winner. Hell, Archie Griffin was the last one and Sam Bradford blew his chance with an injury.

Just to manage your expectations- you can count on a weekend wrap-up Monday and a gameday post Friday. It’s just through college football season- don’t panic. More good news- Soupfest is October 9th and I've actually brought someone into the fold to simply write down the recipes. They will be coming your way to carry you through football season and chilly northern winters. Yum.

I’m trying to decide how I should commemorate one year of So Very Clever. The anniversary is in two days. Hmmm. Any ideas?

I’d like to thank my new readers for their interest and a special thank you to my So Very Loyal readers.

If you are interested in the progress on "Consumed," check out my fiction site at www.lidestrigriffin.com.

Game Day Action

Well! The results of the Heisman Pundit poll are in for week four- hmm. Clever Girls, you need to know this is a mini-Heisman vote of only 13 of the regular voters and is considered the most accurate pre-Heisman Trophy Trust vote.

Denard Robinson is 13 points above the next two tied QBs- Terrelle Pryor (nemesis from Ohio State) and Kellan Moore (of Boise State)- IMPRESSIVE.

Now, UM is not as strong a team as they need to be, nor is the offense yet to respond to RichRod’s spread offense- however, Denard Robinson (D-Rob) is a much better QB to execute RichRod's spread option, as he's highly mobile, agile and exceedingly comfortable carrying the ball. He's absolutely riveting to watch- explosive. If he had a solid offensive line- we’d look like the Longhorns under Colt or Vince. That would be a fantasy come true.

Looks like Tate Forcier is on the path to being a red-shirt freshman this year- Clever Girls this is one way to add a year of eligibility to a player. If they go an entire season without playing a down- they are given an extra year. Now, why would this transpire? A couple of reasons- perhaps the player was active in their freshman year (a true freshman), but due to injury, attitude or performance was not as qualified as another player their sophomore year, but the coach knows they will become a stronger player and wants to develop that talent. OR, they got ousted from their job by an incoming player the next year. It seems that was the case with Forcier and Robinson. It happens. But those are two definitions any Clever Girl needs to know.

Michigan has two more relatively easy weeks- then homecoming vs. Michigan State- a bye week- and then they get hit hard for the rest of the season. So, theoretically, Denard could remain in the top of the Heisman polling for the next four weeks! Obviously, the homecoming game will be a tough one for me. I still root for UM, but am happy (ish) either way.

NOW- to challenge a term I love- "The best defense is a good offense." In the case of UM- this is not true. No matter how good D-Rob is playing, he can not carry a team and if the defense does not stop the opponent- we lose. So, the defense has GOT to pull it together. This is absurd. When we start confronting some of the opponents who are offensive powerhouses- it might be a high-scoring game- but we will lose.

OK- coolest game of the week? I’ll be watching UM, UT and Arkansas vs. Alabama. I’ve made no secret of the fact I want 'Bama to get rolled early so it’s time for Arkansas and Ryan Mallet to live up to the hype. What does that mean, Clever Girls? Well, offensively Ryan Mallet (QB for Arkansas) and Mark Ingram (RB of 'Bama and reigning Heisman champion) will be struggling for honors- so, it will be a fantastic battle.

It’s really next weekend I am looking forward to. Texas OU is one of the most exciting weekends of the year for me. This year will be a little different- I will be at Dick’s Last Resort with ESPN Austin as they broadcast live on Friday. Cannot wait to see Chip, Geoff, Erin and Sean- this is a fantastically handsome bunch, ladies, so round up your men and join them.

"ND Defended that Very, Very Well"- Uh, Lou?

OK, I admit it. If we were talking about picking a doctor, I’d be accused of doctor shopping right now. If you don’t know what that means, it's a system where you visit with a doctor, do not like what he has to say, so you visit a different one- on and on until you hear what you want. Not a great idea if the first four told you that you have cancer.

So, I have decided to go with the ESPNU Fan Rankings for week 4 instead of the AP, Bleacher Report, ESPN or USA Today- why? Because the Wolverine fans have come together and pushed UM up to 19 on the fan poll where everyone else has seated them 21 or lower.

Now, it’s no secret this is a vote, and the votes are taken from sports writers across the nation- and that it is fundamentally flawed (because I don't get a vote). That said- what did I think about Saturday?

You won’t get any Monday morning sniveling from me regarding performance. Despite the fact Michigan State is my alma mater- they don’t get a fair shake from me so I need to BLOW IT UP right now. Nice freaking fake, guys! Holy Cow. If you have not seen this faked field goal (that Lou Holtz stated Notre Dame defended very, very well- uh …) you need to. Now, it has been ruled no delay of game penalty should have been called, so ND fans can Zip IT. I want to acknowledge the fact that MSU coach Mark Dantonio was admitted to the hospital following the over time victory with a heart attack and after surgery is doing very well. (Clever Girls- you need to know who Lou Holtz is even though I can't understand a freaking word he says. He is a retired football coach- college and pro- an author, a sportscaster and a motivational speaker- though the only thing he motivates me to do is drift off. He was the coach at ND for ten years from 1986-1996).

I’ve said it before, UM plays to their opponent and I wasn’t too happy with their performance on Saturday day, but a true UM fan can admit- ugly as it was- it's still a V and this is where it traditionally falls apart for us so ...

UT- hmmm. I’ve got to say, I miss the shot gun, but that was a tense game for me. I had skin in it so all I can say is – WHEW. OU is going to be a zinger- can NOT wait. An unanticipated scheduling conflict will prevent me from watching the game, as I have every single year for a decade, with ESPN Austin’s Erin Hogan. Rain check, E. 11-20.

Ingram got out there and a rather impressive first two runs gave credence to his Heisman victory- but yes, I’m still stinging about Colt.

So, that is that- for me today, back to editing “Consumed.” If you have not seen the new, longer video trailer for the novel, check it out on youtube.com (search “Consumed Book Trailer”)- it will be on www.lidestrigriffin.com soon.

I initiated a Clever Contest- look to the right for rules of engagement and WHAT YOU WIN. I will be reposting the rules every other day on the main blog area so those who miss it- can be reminded. We all know someone who is getting married- let’s take the sting out of the photography line in the budget.

OVER and OUT.

Late to the Game- So Very NOT Clever

OK, Clever Girls, accept my apologies being So Very late with this post. Fact of the matter is, I am buried alive right now in editing "Consumed." It simply has to be a priority- along with sports. It's GAME DAY- OMGOSH, the air is a little cooler (somewhere other than Dallas), you can almost smell the tailgate parties, and if I weren't hung over, a cold beer would sound fantastic.
I'm going to give you some information that would be interesting to throw around while you are hanging with the guys who "invited" you to watch the game because you are So Very Cool.
Former UT star Sergio Kindle fell down two flights of stairs- no idea if he was hammered or not but -it might have effectively ended his pro football career. In a gesture of kindness, his coach, John Harbaugh (yes, the brother of Jim Harbaugh), has decided to try and work out a deal where they are able to wait for an answer on the future of this valuable player.
Today UT is headed to Tech, the hallowed ground where they lost in 2008- this, however, is a different team than in 2008. "Mike Leachless" Tech is a vastly different team- it will be a VERY interesting game. I'm going to take UT (emotional). Worth noting, I did state last year Mike Leach would still be trying to sort out what I feel is a legitimate gripe with Tech. Do I still think Adam James, his accuser, is a whiny bitch? YES. Honestly- buck up, dude- you play football- oh, that's right, you weren't playing, which is why you decided to used your one scintilla of "power" and fry your coach. So, translation for newly Clever Girls: Last year, the son of an almost-famous sports commentator, Craig James, accused quirky but effective coach of Texas Tech Mike Leach of abuse. Mike Leach lost his freaking job. Unreal.
What else? University of Michigan. Am I excited we are ranked? First time in a long time we have broken the top 20- I am So Very Proud. Here's the deal. A couple of problems. Though Sports Illustrated selected D'Rob (Denard Xavier Robinson- Clever nicknames prove your interest) their top week three Heisman pick- the Heisman voting is based on more than individual effort. They like to see Vs (victories) or Ws (wins)- they also like to see the way the individual performance creates an entire line of productivity. So, what does that mean? The offensive line is going to have to start performing. D'Rob can NOT carry an entire team. What other problems does UM face? They have not played a conference game yet and the Big Ten (though not as glorious as it once was) is an ass kicking. There is also the fact that UM tends to play to the competition. If they played Ann Arbor High, they might get their asses handed to them because they play to the opponent's skill level. This could be a good thing in conference play- Ohio State is going to be THE game to watch and I hope it's not because UM will become the laughing stock of the Big 10 between now and then.
Alright- back to "Consumed"- what an apt title, as it is truly consuming my life right now. I love every single second of it. I am So Very BLESSED to be doing what I love and not being paid for it. Someday.

Pentalies for Game Day Violations can be Stiff

OK, Clever Tribe- it is clear my weekend did not go exactly as planned. However, the two games in which I was most emotionally invested turned out EXACTLY as HOPED. Now, University of Texas is battling a new offensive strategy and normally that takes years (reference University of Michigan) to adapt, but UT fans aren't as patient. So, G2 (UT quarterback- Clever Girls, having Clever nicknames for your favorite players shows your intimate knowledge and interest) had to take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and make it work. Now, the goal here was to play under center. That means instead of utilizing the shotgun (the center pitches the ball backward to the quarterback) position, the quarterback takes a hand off directly from the center.

Week Two- Alabama, Florida and OSU Each Need a Loss

I think we all learned a valuable lesson last football season- I am driven by emotion. So, I will never make "predictions." After all- what do I know?

So, this is about what I WANT to happen today.

We need to knock Alabama down early- so let's have Penn State do that this week- why not?

Obviously University of Michigan will be the victor over Notre Dame (Yikes- did I just say obviously? I'm already doing it again. Pardon my assumption).

There is NO doubt in my mind Texas will dominate Wyoming- did that sound decisive?

Miami must kick the asses of Ohio State- and just a head's up for anyone who might have traveled to Ohio for this game: These fans are exceedingly unpleasant and they move in packs. The logos of the visiting teams seem to incite them into a frenzy of sorts. It's best to wear a basic gameday outfit- just a suggestion. I barely made it out alive and had been warned. I didn't stop to think I should steal some Ohio license plates and switch mine out exactly 50 miles from the Shoe.

It would help me out in dealings with my neighbor if Idaho could serve up a whoopin' on Nebraska- all I heard last season was "SUH"- UGGG.

Can South Florida do it on Gator turf? It would be So Very Freaking helpful in the long run.

I think everyone who reads my blog knows Jim Harbaugh's team needs to be dismantled. I wouldn’t care if they were playing Ohio State- I'd root for OSU (Does that tell you ANYTHING?)

OK, Clever Girls- I hope you are outfitted in your hottest pair of jeans and favorite flattering T-shirt today. I’ve been reacquainted with how hot that really is- so work it.

I got to spend all day yesterday at Sebastian's Closet fingering fabric of men's clothing while I attempted to outfit the Dallas Stars for their upcoming calendar shoot Monday and Tuesday. My senses were heightened, as I do enjoy being surrounded all things male.

I made some decisions you might really enjoy in the end. I guarantee the translation will be HOT.

AG jeans. Is there a sexier brand? The answer is NO. My advice to all in the Clever Tribe is not to wear what is "in style" but the jean that works for your body type.

So, go out there today in your gameday best. I'll be at you again on Monday, licking my wounds, as my hopes and dreams will undoubtedly be dashed today.

I will be all hockey all the time on Monday though- so …

IF I Were Vince?

OK- the Clever Tribe has requested my opinion on the USC sanctions- I couldn’t be happier about vilifying Reggie Bush for something it would seem likely EVERYONE does. I'm going to weigh in (110, btw).

This is not a matter of off-field conduct. Frankly, if it were- I’d say that O.J. Simpson might need to be stripped- over and over and over. It is a matter of blatantly violating NCAA rules regarding eligibility.

Now, what to do with the Heisman? Take it away and give it to the runner-up. I’m not just saying that because I love Vince Young. I’m not even saying it because I’m a fan of the University of Texas. I’m just saying it because that is the way it works in a forfeiture. So, no reason to depart from the rules of engagement.

If there was a revote, Vince would win- so …

I can all but guarantee the Heisman Trophy Trust will not be interested in a blight in the annals on par with a BLANK. THAT is NOT going to happen, people, so let’s all accept the fact that Vince SHOULD have won it in the first place. I’m laughing out loud right now- literally, because I KNOW I’m going to get some nasty comments from BUSH lovers.

Now- fact of the matter is that schools need to police their teams and their players and do the right thing. I understand the politics and the undercurrent of gifting, courting and the like. However, if they are going to accept the conduct- the existence of it- then they need to be prepared to accept the consequences as well.

As far as having to give up the victories between December 2004 and the Rose Bowl in 2006- I do not agree with that. The games were not won on the merit or accomplishments of ONE player. While his contribution was immense- some of those games might have been won regardless- so, there is no way to tell.

The Heisman is a different issue altogether. This is an award given to the best college football player in the country- which he was- apparently (I think it came down to popularity and hype). So, when you think about the value of his play- is that affected by his taking donations? Perhaps. Imagine the mental stress some players are under during play? Maybe they have to wonder how they are going to manage their finances outside of a scholarship? Maybe they are concerned their family may have to give up their home or that their parents can’t come to games because they don’t own a car?

So … perhaps many other players could have elevated their play if they didn’t have to worry about money. Hmm.

If I were Vince? I wouldn’t want it. I’d do the power finger (trademarked by my brother, David- you'd have to see it to appreciate it fully) toward the Heisman voting committee and tell them to sit on a blank in the annals.

Let's Define Terms- A Tribute to the Season Opening

OK, Clever Girls, there is one thing you can count on- watching football comes with a lot of lingo and terminology. Understanding the words being thrown around helps to increase your enjoyment of a game you are coming to LOVE.

The important thing here is that unless you have actually played football - and I am not talking about the Thanksgiving Day excuse for grab-ass- you will be challenged, so be cautious and prepared to stand behind your assertions.

I cannot stress this enough- NO ARGUING. It is So Very unappealing to men to be challenged on sports. Always end your "statement" with a question like tone? "It was the Cowboys that year?"- that way you are not saying "No way- the Cowboys won." It sounds better and defers to him in front of the other dudes.

Terminology

Clipping- connecting with the back of an opponent’s legs or hitting him from behind below the waist while coming from behind. Be careful declaring this as there are exceptions and someone will be more than happy to debunk your theory.

Dead ball- a ball not in play.

Double foul- a foul for each team during the same down.

Down- a period of action that begins when the ball is put into play and stops when the ball is dead. These control the movement of the ball.

Fair catch- a member of the receiving team signals, by way of one arm extended overhead and waving from side to side that he intends to catch a ball. This wards off the defense.

Foul- a violation of the rules by either side.

Fumble- the loss of possession (carrier MUST have possession for this to be a fumble) of the ball. If the ball is stripped, it is forced from the hands or arms of the carrier.

Live ball- a ball that has been either free kicked or snapped legally. The ball is live until it is dead.

Loose ball- a ball not in possession by any player.

Muff- (less raunchy than you think) the touching of the ball in an unsuccessful attempt to possess a loose ball.

Neutral zone- is a space the length of the ball between the two lines of scrimmage. Both teams must remain behind their end of the ball until it is snapped.

Offside- is when any part of a player’s body is beyond his scrimmage or free kick line when the ball is snapped or kicked. This is a favorite term for guys to bandy about because it happens ALL of the time and they look really informed when they yell- "offsides."

Possession- a player is in possession when he controls the ball after clearly touching both feet or any other part of his body other than his hands to the ground inbounds.

Punt- a kick made when the player drops the ball and kicks it while it’s dropping.

Roughing the passer- hitting the QB with unnecessary force after the ball is released.

Hail Mary- a long pass in hopes of scoring- usually in a tight scoring situation (this usually occurs in bars at 1:30 a.m.)

Shot gun- the QB takes a long snap, giving him more time to evaluate the post-snap play.

Sudden death- the continuation of a tie game until one team or the other scores.

The Divisions

The National Football League is divided into two conferences: the National Football Conference and the American Football Conference. Each have several divisions. It is critical to know which division your home team plays for and what division his favorite team plays in. This is where the iPhone gets really handy. In a bar, see a dude with a Giants hat on- pull out the phone- go to NFL.com and look up the team. Never a better time to be So Very Clever!

AFC

AFC North: Pittsburgh Steelers, Cleveland Browns, Baltimore Ravens and Cincinnati Bengals

AFC East: New England Patriots, Buffalo Bills, New York Jets and Miami Dolphins.

AFC South: Indianapolis Colts, Jacksonville Jaguars, Tennessee Titans and Houston Texans

AFC West: San Diego Chargers, Denver Broncos, Oakland Raiders and Kansas City Chiefs

NFC

NFC North: Green Bay Packers, Detroit Lions, Chicago Bears and Minnesota Vikings

NFC East: Dallas Cowboys, New York Giants, Philadelphia Eagles and Washington Red Skins

NFC South: Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Florida Panthers, New Orleans Saints and Atlanta Falcons

NFC West: Seattle Seahawks, St. Louis Rams, San Francisco 49ers and Arizona Cardinals

The Playoffs

At the end of regular season play, the six teams in each conference with the best record enter the playoffs. These are elimination tournaments in that in each matchup - who ever loses is eliminated. When the playoffs are finished, one team from each conference heads to the Super Bowl.

Bowl Games

Unlike college football, which has as many bowl games as there are corporate sponsors, the NFL has two. The Super Bowl began in 1967, which means 2008 marked the 42nd Super Bowl on February 3, when the New York Giants defeated the New England Patriots. This is the football version of Clash of the Titans, when the NFC champion competes against the AFC champion for the title of Super Bowl Champion and the Vince Lombardi Trophy.

The first Super Bowl took place January 15, 1967, at Memorial Coliseum in Los Angeles, Calif., and the Green Bay Packers were victorious over the Kansas City Chiefs. A Clever Girl would commit the last five winners to memory. Remember, I am not giving you this information to "quiz" men or to show off. Use it with caution. Note powerhouses Patriots and Steelers. They are two of the winningest teams in Super Bowl history.

The Dallas Cowboys have the most appearances with 8- a record of 5-3.

The Steelers have the winningest record with 6-1.

The Patriots are 3-3- destined to improve on that percentage with a healthy Tom Brady at the helm.

XXXVIII

New England Patriots over Carolina Panthers

XXXIX

New England Patriots over Philadelphia Eagles

XL

Pittsburgh Steelers over Seattle Seahawks

XLI

Indianapolis Colts over Chicago Bears

XLII

New York Giants over New England Patriots

XLIII

Pittsburgh Steelers over Arizona Cardinals

XLIV

New Orleans Saints over Indianapolis Colts

The next Super Bowl will be played February 6, 2011, at the new Cowboy Stadium in Dallas.

Pro Bowl

Since 1980, fans, players and coaches have voted to elect players to report to an all-star game in the Aloha Stadium in Honolulu, Hawaii, where the best of the AFC and the best of the NFC are matched up.


Important Events in Football (make other plans)

Depending on the level of enthusiasm your guy has for football, you should recognize and perhaps vacate the premises on the following days. I am giving you advanced notice so you do not whine or complain. Make plans with the girls and suggest a draft party- prepare some snacks and then take off.

Scouting Combine- in February, NFL personnel gathers to watch as perspective NFL players are run through six days of rigorous and challenging drills. It’s a chance for the hopefuls to show off and get picked up.

The Draft- in April, the NFL begins the acquisition of the players ending their college careers and beginning their NFL careers. This event generally takes place over two days and seven rounds of selections. Each team makes a selection in each round (NOTE: draft picks are often a commodity traded during the season for the acquisition of a key player), beginning with the team with the worst record and ending with the winner of the Super Bowl.

Training Camp- begins in July and the teams semi-publicly begin to train as a unit.

Pre-season- I know what you are thinking- "Aren’t there enough games during the actual season?" No. Consider yourself lucky if your man is a football fan instead of a hockey or baseball fan- there are only 16 regular season games in football compared to the 183 in baseball.

The Season opener- now associated with the saying- "Are you ready for some football?" The answer from your man will be a wistful "Yes," the response from you might be "Aren't we done with football season?" but if you love him, you are going to have to buck up and be a good- you guessed it, sport.

Nothing Like Michigan Air on Opening Day

I can NOT believe it’s only taken me two years to erase a lifetime of expectations for University of Michigan football. We are the winningest team in college football- it used to be an HONOR to play in Ann Arbor- but some things have changed.

Our recruiting sucks. Frankly, we barely had to recruit in the past- everyone wanted to play for Bo and Lloyd and the like. Now, we have to go out and ask people to come to the great white north. Pitiful. How do we compete with the sexiness of the warm west coast with California Girls and the sultry state of Florida, equally rife with scantily clad gals. Hmm.

I’d have to say, the greatest threat facing my team is El Capitan- otherwise known as "Rich Rod"- Rich Rodriguez. I personally would prefer to have experience as a factor going into the season instead of the unexpected. Honestly- there is NO way to anticipate what will happen today. We used to sit down and watch a decisive victory- a dismantling of the team that charges to the line and limps away. In recent years, we have been left licking our wounds far too often and, frankly, I blame El Capitan and the poor recruiting. I fear nothing will change until we oust El Jefe and, honestly, it can’t come too soon for me.

In the south, we have the season opener for University of Texas. This is a game with little room for surprise. UT has dominated this match-up, securing 38 of 39 victories over Rice. Longhorn fans better stretch in preparation for scoring celebrations because there are likely to be many , as I imagine the Horns will hang half a hundred on Rice- easy.

OK- I’m out for the day- I have a full day of smelling the crisp, fall, Michigan air and lounging about in front of the TV. Does it get much better? Yes, I have to find someone to fetch me beer and bring me food. The Big H thinks I am supposed to fetch her beer. Looks like a stand-off in Flint. Won’t be the first. Won’t be the last.

How to Score in- Not DURING- Football

OK, So Very Clever Girls- a cursory read of this, take in some games and you should have a working knowledge of the game. Any more than that could seem like competition.

From the Top

After the coin toss determines who will be on offense there is a kick off. The ball is kicked by a place kicker from the defense’s 30-yard line to the offense. An offensive player will attempt to catch the kick and run it toward the offensive end zone (99 out of 100 times this is the direction in which the person holding the ball is running or passing- look on YouTube for the exceptions). Where ever he is tackled will be where the offense begins its series of plays (downs). If the ball is kicked into the end zone, the kick returner can either run the ball out of the end zone or signal the ball down (touchback) and the offense will begin its drive (attempt to score) on the defense’s 20-yard line.

The Offensive Drive

I myself have been subject to some pretty offensive attempts to score, but this is about football. The object of the game is for the offense to move the ball (gain yardage) toward the offensive end zone to score a touch down (six points). All movement is measured in yards gained or lost. The offense is given 40 seconds between each play to begin the next play. If they do not do so, they are penalized for delay of game (usually a loss of yards). Each time the offense takes possession of the ball, it gets four opportunities (downs) to advance the ball 10 yards (or score). If they are successful, they are awarded a first down and they get four more downs. It is the objective of the defense to both stop the offense from scoring and keep the offense from gaining a first down. If the offense is unable to advance the ball 10 yards, they lose possession of the ball. On the fourth down, the options are to "go for it" and attempt to secure the first down by gaining the necessary yardage (this is a risk for one reason- if they do not secure the first down, the defense takes over as offense and likely will have great field position to start their offensive drive), punt or kick a field goal.

The Line of Scrimmage

Each play begins with the QB issuing orders to his team. The line of scrimmage is where the center snaps the ball to the QB who either passes the ball, runs the ball or hands it off. These are the methods of gaining yardage. All passing of the ball must happen behind the line of scrimmage and if the pass is caught by another player it is complete. If the pass is not caught, it is incomplete. If the pass is intercepted by a member of the defense, it is an interception and the possession is turned over (this is called a turn over) to the defense who becomes the offense. The run ends when either the runner scores, is tackled by a member of the defense (one or both knees touch the ground), goes out of bounds or falls.

The Punt

In a fourth down situation, when the offense has failed to obtain a first down, and the yardage is such that "going for it" doesn’t seem an option (too long or if they fail, the field position given to the defense to begin their scoring drive as offense is too advantageous), nor does attempting a field goal, the offense will kick the ball down the field to be received by the defense. By turning over the ball to them, the defense becomes the offense and the offense becomes the defense. The object of the punt, is to kick it as far down the field as possible without it entering the end zone. If it enters the end zone, the same rules apply as in a kick off and a fair catch can be signaled putting the ball on the twenty yard line to begin the offensive drive. Ideally, the ball would not be caught and roll to the one yard line, forcing the offense to start their drive at the furthest possible point.

How to Score in Football

(that's IN football not DURING a football game- and ladies, it's not as easy as you might think)

The Touchdown

Either by run or pass, crossing the goal line into the end zone results in a touch down valued at six points. Immediately following the touch down- the offense either kicks for an extra point(which will or will not result in a point depending on whether it goes through the goal posts), or the QB will attempt to run, pass or hand off the ball to cross the goal line again resulting in two points instead of one (two-point conversion).

The Field Goal

If, after the third down is played and the offense is unable to secure a first down, but they believe they are close enough to kick the ball through the goal posts- they might attempt a field goal resulting in three points. If the field goal is missed, the defense takes over the offense where the last offensive play took place.

The Safety

Two points are awarded the defense if the offensive ball handler is tackled behind their own goal line. This often happens to QBs who are sacked (tackled, ball in hand) after scrambling backward to make a play.

The Turnover

There are two major forms of turnovers (and they are not raspberry and apple). This means that the possession of the ball is turned over to the defense during an offensive scoring drive (this is not out of the kindness of their hearts). The interception happens when a member of the defense intercepts a pass, automatically forcing a change in possession. A fumble occurs when the ball handler loses possession of the ball either by dropping it or having it stripped by another player. The team who recovers the ball gets possession, as long as the play has not been whistled dead by the officials.

The Play Clock

At the end of the first and third periods, whoever has possession of the ball will retain possession as the new quarter (second and fourth) begin. The second half begins with a kick off as in the beginning of the first quarter.

The play clock stops when a player goes out of bounds, when a team scores, when a penalty is called or at the end of an incomplete passing play.

If the game is tied at the end of regulation play, a 15-minute period is extended and played as sudden death- the first team to score wins. Possession is determined by a coin toss. Overtime is different in college football. This is a great opportunity for you to ask "I know they do sudden death in the NFL, how is overtime handled in college?" I'm not going to tell you- look it up if you MUST know- otherwise, keep this in your back pocket to allow him to shine in front of all his friends. Make sure you are focused on his response and ask further questions if you need to.

Clever Girls, I'm so proud of you for getting this far. There is no doubt learning about a sport you don't even like is a beating, however, you don't have to be an aficionado- just an apprecionado. In other words- appreciate the fact the men in your life enjoy the came and if you simply can't abide it- find something worthwhile to do.

Game time is the PERFECT opportunity to do all the things he really doesn't want to do- but tolerates at times. Catch up with friends, catch up on work, catch up on "Grey's Anatomy"- whatever it is just do NOT guilt him for wanting to spend time with the guys, enjoying the game.