Fanged Seduction

It seems few days go by when a Clever Guy doesn’t ask me about the freaking allure of the "Twilight" series of books and movies. An excellent question, one I’d like to address here, as the third movie in the smash concept by Stephenie Meyer is already setting records.

I think my friend Jessica said it best after seeing the first movie, "Twlight." I asked her how it was and she said, "I gotta get me one of them vampires." I literally burst out laughing because it was quintessential Jessica and, having read the book, I understood the draw.

What is the big whoop? Mmm. Vampires have long held us rapt (whether with fear or intrigue), but Meyer vampires aren’t the terrifying creatures hovering at your bedroom window, scratching at the glass like on "Salem’s Lot," nor are they the quasi-sexy Anne Rice vampires. This is a whole new breed of fanged seduction.

Smiley to Miley to What?

Miley Cyrus is starting to bear little resemblance to that nick name her father gave her. Smiley Cyrus has become Miley. No longer smiley but sultry, at times a bit slutty and perhaps a bit too sexy for the legion of fans she acquired as television tween queen "Hannah Montana."

Again, I am not the moral arbiter here and I’d hate to stand in the way of a profit driven entity- BUT. This smacks of the fraud perpetrated on the public when Britney Spears decided to become a tramp in front of the little girls who followed her like the Pied Piper. We all see what happened to this charming young lady- is Miley next?

Her awakening sexuality turned into a profit center for all those who make a living from her? Let’s examine this situation and try to do so without me sounding like the judgmental Marion the Librarian "Sextrology" calls some women of my sign.

In all this making money, hand over fist, is there not the moral imperative to preserve this child and, yes, she still is a child, and the children she seduced in the smash TV hit conceptualized by her father? The answer to this is yes.

So Very Clever Daddies- This is For YOU

Happy Father’s Day, So Very Clever Daddies. What a great honor you have, and I hope you are being acknowledged today. I guess that is what I want to query. Do holidays make us lazy? Shouldn’t we be acknowledging our parents, spouses and children year round? Must we orchestrate some lavish party on the birthday to make up for our failings of the year past? I think I am going to vow, here and now, to be far more intentional in my every day.

I’m going to let the people in my life know the immense value they bring to it, and my own fathers are a huge part of the agenda. There was a time I thought having both a biological father and a stepfather was a curse brought down upon my house- it didn’t take me too long to realize it was a gift. Maybe some girls need two fathers.

Today is a celebration of fathers and it shouldn’t be empty or hollow- imagine the vast responsibility a man takes on when he determines to become a father. I’m not talking about having sex with a woman and accidentally having a child- but the thought process he goes through in coming to the decision he is going to be a part of that child’s life. This is how you become and continue to be a father.

No matter at what point in the game a man commits to being an involved and poignant influence on a child, that moment will define the rest of his life. I’d like to spin a yarn (a fantasy if you will). In this fantasy- the woman presents her husband with a gift-wrapped box. Inside of it is a pregnancy test reading positive. When he looks at this woman, his wife, she changes completely. Inside her womb she now carries a part of him- she is a mother- and along with her he embraces the transformation about to take place.

She is no longer as "capable" in his eyes, she is to be taken care of- from what she puts into her mouth, to making sure she is comfortable, holding her hair back when she is experiencing morning sickness, making sure the room is entirely dark when the migraines begin, attending doctor appointments, shedding tears at the first sound of the baby’s heart, being patient and even amused by the unfathomable mood swings and emotion swelling along with her belly, not only attending but researching and suggesting parenting classes, initiating discussions regarding schooling, religious upbringing and parenting, appreciating the changes in her body and reassuring her it will take no time to get back to her fighting weight (keeping private fears pertaining to the changes in her body private). She is no longer just your wife, your best friend, your lover, your confidant, your counselor and advisor- she is the mother of YOUR child.

No longer will you simply be evaluated or appreciated for who you are as a man, a friend, a son, a brother, an employee, an employer, a nephew, a mentor, a lover, a husband- you are a father and were the moment you committed yourself.

The enormity of the obligation and responsibility settles over each man differently. There is much fear and trepidation along with unmitigated excitement and joy. Embrace it all- every day of your fatherhood. While it’s difficult to comprehend the fathomless moral imperative- it can be broken down to a few words.

TIME. LOVE. RESPECT. KINDNESS. COMPASSION. GUIDE. TEACH. PROTECT. PREPARE. DISCIPLINE.

Each moment you spend with your child, offer them eye contact. It’s not enough to be there- they know if you are engaged or not.

The respect you have for the person your child will become will create a foundation of respect they learn to have for themselves and others as they navigate on their own.

All children deserve kindness in all aspects of parenting.

To acknowledge a child as a person with feelings, emotions and needs is how you show compassion. It’s OK to say "I understand that you are upset because you can not have …" When they know you recognize their feelings, they feel validated.

There will be no greater influence in your child’s life than you as one half of the parenting partnership. Take it seriously and pour your life experiences into the teachings you can offer. This will prepare them for life.

Don’t be afraid to be unpopular. Do not shift the burden of discipline onto your wife. It’s unfair. When you committed to becoming a parent- you agreed to be a comprehensive influence in your child’s life. This obligation does not stop at discipline. Discipline is critical to a child’s development and helps to establish boundaries and structure.

The two most valuable aspects of parenting are LOVE and PROTECTION. Everyone defines love differently- the most important aspect of which is that your child feels love. As far as protection? You are the first line of defense for your little ones- this is the greatest role you will play- protector. And there is So Very much to protect your children from.

I’m afraid my feelings regarding discipline and protection will require two individual posts in upcoming weeks.

I need to pick up where I left off on the wedding planning tips. As I mentioned- I’m working on "So Very Clever Groom’s Guide to Surviving the Wedding Planning." I’ve shared some of the content on Clever and appreciate your feedback.

I’m thinking of offering an incentive to readers. Refer me, readers, and I will photograph your wedding or the wedding of your choice (sister, mother, friend). This would be a "contest" valid in the continental U.S. for a wedding that would take place before Dec. 31, 2010. The contest would last only one month so you’d have to be So Very Clever sending readers to Clever.

OK- that’s it for me. Happy Father’s Day to the So Very Clever Daddies. Keep up the critical work you are doing, loving intentionally and with purpose.

Misguided Children Now- Sociopaths Later

So, I have to get this off my chest. I was visiting family this weekend for a high school graduation and as with any family -there comes the "other side" of the family. I'd never met any of the "others" and sadly was not introduced (social gaff by the host). As it turned out, being introduced would not have softened the feelings I now have toward them.

This is how it went down. There were a number of younger kids- between 10 and 15. They were a bit rowdy, so I went to see what was happening in the room where the computer was set up. As I entered the hall, I was pushed by a 12-year-old boy and stumbled backward where only the wall saved me from falling on my ass. He did not break stride and somehow my death stare was unable to penetrate him. No one appeared to notice, so I went into the room, checked the computer- YouTube.com and who knows what WAS on it. I was leaning over the office chair to get a better look when the perpetrator returned- pushed me out of the way and sat in the chair. I turned the chair to face me and looked him square in the eye.

"You've pushed me twice. Don't do it again." He gave me a dead look- clearly nothing going on behind his eyes. Stupidity and apathy is a bad combination. It won't serve him well.

Now- at whom should I really be pissed? His parents. Yes. His parents. Why? Because if he were raised properly, it wouldn't have happened once let alone twice, and when I challenged him- even if he were truly obtuse, he'd have recognized his error and apologized.

What aren't his parents teaching him? Hmmm. You want the whole list or just the top 10? Respect others. Respect your elders. Realize you are a member of a family and your behavior is a reflection on your family- you have a duty and an obligation to conduct yourself with civility and decorum. Women are never to be pushed around- regardless of their age. Be kind to others- even when it is inconvenient. Have compassion for those around you. Be aware of others and how your behavior effects them. Don't be an asshole because you WILL get your attitude adjusted for you and if your lucky it won't be by a GIRL. If you are unlucky (and it's clear you are not Clever)- it will be a girl and she will beat you about the head and neck and roundly humiliate you in front of your peers (and be advised- you will NEVER live that down).

Clever parents realize their children are the next generation of parents and need to be given the tools and wisdom necessary to navigate the perilous journey of life- they do not indulge egregious conduct from their children. How many times do I have to say it: Parent first- be friends later.

This little bastard will go down in the hall of fame of football player rapists- he will smack around his girlfriends- give old ladies the finger- cheat, lie, steal- and his parents will be rescuing him his entire life because it's never HIS FAULT. Wake up before his sociopathic tendencies take hold and you wonder from whence came the 42 bodies buried under your house.

I do want to give a nod to Very Clever man I spent some time with over the weekend. He is one half of a parenting partnership with his fiancee and her daughter. They communicate clearly and honestly about his role in the life of the child and have spent time in advance discussing the potential pitfalls of blending a family. This time gave rise to a post for next week on blended families.

Facebook Password, Please

OK, Clever Tribe- it’s time to shine some light on the dangers and pitfalls of social media. I’m not yet ready to bully bullies- I am ready, however, to challenge the naivete of parents.

The saddest movement in parenting is the need or compulsion to be friends with our children. Where does this come from? Were our own childhoods so shitty we need our child to compensate for not being popular or not having a ton of friends? This is an incredible burden you are placing on your child. Why? Because they need a parent- not more friends.

If you raise your child to think of you as a friend- that is the most respect you can ever expect from them- so don’t whine later when they are "out of control," "don’t listen to a word you say" or hate you one day and love you the next. This is the nature of adolescent and teen relationships- but you are not a teen- and if you ARE- you likely made a bad decision to become a parent in your teens. While it might have worked out for you and of course you would never trade your child- you still had to forgo SOMETHING by having a child when you were a child.

It's Just a Piece of Gum

I was having brunch on Sunday and a situation arose at a table next to me. It started out innocuous, but (and I can still hear it in my mind’s eye) then, I am almost certain the leit motif from the pistol duels from the old Westerns began to play. The duel was ocular, the issue was not a woman or money but a piece of gum and the honor in question became apparent quickly.

A mom, a dad and a 3-year-old little girl. As I sat down, they were obviously finished and settling their tab. The child was well behaved and drawing quietly while the parents chit-chatted.

"Mommy, may I have a piece of gum?" Insert my warm and fuzzy feelings over a tiny little person having such great manners. Mom flips open her purse, fishes about and produces a pack of gum. She absently plucks one piece, notices the package is empty and crumples it after handing the gum to her daughter.

"Actually? I’d like two pieces.

"There is only one left. I know you would prefer two pieces, but I have only one.'

Can You Handle the Scandal?

I've got to admit, I'm having a difficult time keeping my nose out of Sextrology- true to my bookish nature, it has me in it's grasp. Arrggg. I must get something done today. I have a long flight on Wednesday- this book will keep me So Very Warm.

A very Clever Professor, Bill Genereux, from Kansas State posed a question on twitter that got me thinking. I’d already planned on addressing this issue, but his thoughts served as a catalyst for this post.

He asked whether schools should be allowed to discipline students for what they post on their social networking pages about teachers and other students.

Wow.

This gives rise to a number of interesting concepts. The first could be freedom of speech. The second could be libel. Now, I am not an attorney, but I do know a thing or two about publishing. Once you write something on the internet and post it- you have published it. Thereby, if you are making defamatory comments about people- there is the potential for legal action. Never have people been so careless in sharing their opinions and thoughts. It's outright recklessness.

The Most Dangerous Place on Earth

I warned you yesterday I was pissed off. I’ve touched on this subject before, but it’s time to go deep. Put on your parachute and prepare to pull the rip cord if it gets uncomfortable.

I was talking to a friend who is So Very Clever and he posed a question (I’m not clear on the actual source of this question, but know it is neither he nor I).

“What is the most dangerous place on earth?” I sat in my car and pondered for far too long, thinking of all of the things I consider dangerous. I was shocked the list was so long and disturbing- I had no answer. So, I gave up.

Clever Soon-to-be-Daddy is Freaking Out

OK, we are going to have to postpone the wedding planning post- but if you are anxious, you can find some good articles here. I got a message from a very old friend who happens to be one of the most Clever Guys I know. He is close to becoming unhinged because he is about to BECOME a father. If you are about to become a parent- this could speak to you.

William (this is a made-up name), Don’t Freak Out. This is one of my anthems and I find it works really well. You are beyond the point freaking out would help matters at all. Actually, once you got married you had tacitly agreed to becoming a father.

What I know about William is that he’s never wanted children. I’ve known him most of my life and never once has he expressed a desire to be a father. When he got married, I questioned him about parenthood. He shrugged it off. I’ve been worried ever since. Not only was he opposed to being a parent, given his own upbringing, I worried he worried he wouldn’t be a good parent.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about William since I learned his wife was pregnant. I pondered all things I know of him, his character, his family, his capacity to love and nurture, and I found comfort. Now I would like to extend this comfort to him.

Your capacity to love was not defined by your childhood. You are not a child anymore- who and how you love is not to be dictated anymore by anyone but you. Just because you are related to someone does not mean you have to love or even like them. Those you have invited into your life, with whom you share no blood, can and likely are those closest to you- until that baby is born.

I advise you to read the post "Clever to Clueless in Ten Minutes." It might help to quell some of the post-birth anxiety, but in your final weeks, I know your fear and apprehension is strong.

While it’s possible for a parent to not bond with a child- it is not possible for YOU. You will never see more pure and unadulterated love and vulnerability than that you observe in your child’s eyes. This child can put to rest any hurt, pain or anguish you might be holding onto. It is impossible to regret a moment of your life the first time you hold that little baby and realize she/he is a part of you- a living, breathing legacy.

Nothing on earth is more precious or deserving of love and protection. You are fierce in your love and focused on the objects of your affection. Let this tiny person become your person- YOUR person.

I am not saying you won’t be tired- you will likely be delirious at times. I am not suggesting you won’t be afraid, fearful and anxiety ridden- it’s normal, part of the process and you are not alone- you have a partner in this. Don’t forget you are a team and you committed to sharing the responsibilities.

You’re not the first person to fear the unknown- the CHANGE. It’s inevitable at this point. I can only recommend you continue to evaluate your “life” and determine what is and what isn’t dispensable. If you can NOT give up work travel- make sure your wife is aware, and if it is economically feasible, hire some help so she can have some time “off” or just the chance to urinate. If exercise is critical to your emotional well-being- do not give it up, just make sure there is a trade off- allow her to get out and take some time for herself.

Of course you are worried she will never get back in shape- but if it was important to her before the baby, it will likely remain important. Encourage her subtly- remind her how valuable the exercise has always been to her emotional health. Offer to take over with the baby so she doesn’t feel she can’t find the time. Offer her a financial incentive- I’m kidding- NO I’M NOT. Whatever it takes- because believe me, no matter how miserable you are about her weight- she is four times more upset, so don’t add to it- be supportive.

I know it seems like there is a lot of stuff- that is because there is a LOT of STUFF. Don’t freak out. It’s all necessary to make your life easier. As the baby gets older, you will have less stuff and more toys- so you are in it- get used to it.

A great defense here is to manage your expectations by knowing what to expect. Here are some hints-

It’s about that time- maybe you should throw some things into a bag in case the little bundle of joy comes early. But, what should you bring?

For the BABY

A preemie outfit (doctors have been known to be wrong about body weight- and babies tend to lose weight between birth and the time you leave the hospital)

A regular outfit

Nail clippers for newborns

Gentle nail file

For Mommy

Outfit for traveling home (keeping in mind you will not be exactly the same size you were before you got pregnant- so something roomy and comfy)

Toiletries

Hair dryer and other small appliances you traditionally use

A large bag for lugging home all the above

The Hospital will Provide (make sure you take all of this home with you, as you are being charged a FORTUNE for it)

Formula

Small bottles

Blankets

Diapers

Diaper creme

Storage containers for breast milk

Post-birth meshy/gauzy panties

Feminine pads/ panty liners

Large container for water

Diaper Bag

Diapers (five)

Deodorized bags for used diapers

Bottles

Formula and baby water

Wipes- wipes- wipes

Socks

Diaper cream

A clean onesie (this can serve as an outfit until you can get to the car)

Mylicon

Stain wipes

Large baggies for dirty clothing

Blanket

Pacifier if the baby uses one

As they get older- snacks and treats

Auxiliary Diaper Bag

In the back of each car, keep the following items in a plastic bin. This will save your booty at least once a week when you have failed to replenish the diaper bag due to exhaustion or simply being in a hurry.

Diapers

Deodorized bags for used diapers

Bottles

Formula

Baby water

Wipes

Socks

Two clean outfits (yes, it’s possible for them to go through two in one short outing)

Mylicon

Diaper cream

Baby lotion

Large baggies for used and dirty clothing

Blanket

Stain wipes or stick to pretreat formula-stained clothing

Several pacifiers

Try to make sure this auxiliary bin is kept replenished at all times.

Don’t forget to have the newborn car seat installed and inspected.

One thing to note, everything you were sure you’d do is likely to change four minutes after your baby is born. You read "Babywise"? You will want to burn the book as soon as your little one lets out his first cry. I have pretty strong opinions about children and affection- people say- “Don’t hold the baby while she sleeps- you are going to spoil her.” It is my experience the only things that spoil are those left on the shelf untouched. How much you hold your child, where she sleeps, and what your emotional response is to her cry are highly personal and you needn’t feel “bad” or “wrong” if you let him nap on your chest (every time) or pick him up every time he cries.

You will have the option to let the baby sleep in the nursery while you are in the hospital- be prepared for your wife not wanting this, but needing this. She needs to rest, but it is difficult to allow someone else take your child from you and care for it. Your wife will fear the baby misses her or needs her. The baby needs only to sleep and rest and be warm. You both need to sleep and rest so make it about her (she is the one who gave birth) or she will be pissed.

Just what you don’t want to talk about- breastfeeding. While it is “the most natural thing in the world”- it doesn’t work out for every woman. Some women just decide they don’t like it- whatever she decides or however her body responds, be supportive. Most people in my generation were not breastfed and the world is still turning- in this country it is not a matter of life and death. Likely they are supplementing in the hospital with formula so don’t be afraid to use it if it takes some of the pressure off of your wife.

Do NOT make any life-altering decisions in the first few months of the baby’s life- you both are in the middle of an emotional upheaval and trying to gain footing. Rely on each other. Love each other. Love that baby. This is your life. It might be scary- but it is about to become more vibrant than you’ve ever imagined.

Ok, William. Don’t Freak Out. Sleep as much as you can before the blessed event …

Tomorrow my words regarding Peyton and the Saints. Erin Hogan (ESPN Austin) and I are opposed. It might be the first time.

They are Children- Not Weapons

Here is the scenario- you fall in love, you get married and you have a child or a few children. You grow apart, things happen and suddenly you “don’t know each other anymore.” You struggle, you fight, you go to therapy if you are actually interested in preserving the marriage- but ultimately you let it go.

I was prompted to give this idea some thought when I was in Village Tea having some warm green tea, working, and a couple of guys came in with a 4-year-old girl. There were a few things wrong with the scene- two gym rats in a tea shop, the little girl was dressed as if for an evening out- if she were- oh, 25. I did a double-take and my heart began to pound.

What was going on here? They went to the counter, placed an order and sat adjacent to me in the “living room setting.” The little girl was quiet and gazed longingly at the play area set up for just this purpose. When she asked if she could go draw, her dad reminded her that her mother would be here momentarily to pick her up. And then there was light.

Seconds later, Mom walked in and nearly burst into tears at the sight of her 4 year old in red nail polish and an animal print outfit with one-and-a-half-inch heels. Her face flushed red and she covered the distance to her daughter in moments.

“She is your daughter, not your girlfriend!” she hissed at her former husband (no rings). He gave his child a perfunctory peck on the cheek and got up to leave. On the way out, I heard him say- “I knew that would piss her off” to his friend.

The mother opened a bag and took out a different pair of shoes (she’s been down this road before) and a brush. The waitress brought the little girl’s snack over (sliced apples and some Nutella) and the mom ordered a pot of tea. I could see she was nearly in tears and my heart clenched.

“Do you like my nails, Mommy?”

“Well, the color is lovely, honey- but it might not be a good color for a little girl. This color is for big girls and we can try it again when your older. How about if, after our tea, we go get our nails painted together?”

Her daughter beamed and they settled in to read a book before the little one went to draw and play while her mother texted furiously.

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN

The week prior, at Starbucks, a man paced and belted back his coffee. He looked at his watch every five seconds and texted intermittently. Finally, he made a call.

“I know you are doing this on purpose. You knew we had tickets to the air show. It started 20 minutes ago. By the way, he called me last night and I know you left him with a sitter so you could go out. Do I need—“

At that moment, the door opened and a little boy burst in and threw himself in his father’s arms nearly knocking him over.

“Are you ready, Dad? Come on, we have to go. We are going to be late!” His dad threw a look at mom, who didn’t even pause on the way to the counter for what looked like a much needed Venti black coffee. Dad scooped up the organic milk, a package of sliced fruit and cheese from the table and headed to the door, his face five shades of rage.

What is going on here? Fighting for your kids is supposed to mean FOR them, not with each other USING them. It saddened me to watch these scenarios play out.

It seems in most divorces there is always the parent so intent upon hurting the other they will use their child as a pawn no matter how much it hurts the child. In the first case- Dad dressed his child up as Jon Benet Ramsey, knowing it would make his wife angry. Now, does it hurt a child to wear red nail polish and high heels? Not right now, and certainly not under the keen watch of her mother- but what happens as the baby gets a little older and it is a constant battle to manage her clothing, hair and tendencies to dress suggestively.

Her mother will take the heat for not allowing it and Dad will become the hero. When she is with Dad, he will allow it. The next thing you know- Dad and fellow gym rat get hammered one night and “friend” wanders into the precocious 13 year old’s bedroom. Now, she might put up a fight, but can Dad hear? Will Dad care?

In the second case, Mom is ready to party- to be on the single scene. She might have overslept, she might have dragged her feet. What matters is, the only person she hurt was her little boy, because he likely missed not only part of the air show, but his precious little time with his dad.

Now, in a typical divorce arrangement the child is awarded to Mom (regardless of her qualifications as a mother) and Dad gets to see the child/ren for dinner one night weekly and every other weekend. I have some recommendations for dads who’d like more time with their child and want to write it into the divorce decree, because as amenable as she is when you part ways (maybe because she is the one who wanted a divorce,) as soon as you start seeing someone or as soon as you reveal you have a girlfriend- she will likely fight you for every minute with your child.

1) If Mom is going out of town or even out for the evening, Dad is to be the first choice as a sitter.

2) If Mom begins dating, there will be no overnight visits unless the child is staying with Dad. If Mom wants an unscheduled overnight visit, Dad is to be notified and allowed to take possession of the child/ren.

The same holds true for Dad- it is a matter of consideration and the more considerate you can be with one another, for the sake of your children, the better. You have no idea the damage that can be done to little children during the course of a divorce, even when your entire focus is their well- being. Disengaging and lavishing yourself with perks and nights out with friends can be at the expense of your child. I know you think you deserve it- you were “wronged,” your self-esteem is hurting, you are depressed. Well, guess what? You don’t get to be depressed and express hurt or anger toward your spouse. You have a child and what that child needs to feel is security and stability during this time.

"Fighting for custody" because you want to hurt your wife or soon to be ex-wife is not right and likely you will not win. It is a fact. A Very Clever Daddy once told me- "In Texas, a woman can have a crack pipe in her mouth and a needle hanging from her arm and she will still get custody." That is WRONG. There are a great number of fathers who are more capable, engaged and loving than the mothers, but sadly, nine of 10 times, the mother is awarded custody. Threatening each other is shameful. If you must hurt one another- find another way.

This world started going to hell on a greased rail when we started putting our own wants before the needs of our children. I say "we" because we are all guilty of doing it from time to time- but it’s not the "time to time" that does the damage- it’s the "all the time." The new way of life for your child.

If you create a toxic environment for your child, they will be poisoned by it and there is virtually no way to stop it.

I am a firm believer people grow and change- but you loved this person once, you believed in them enough to have a child with them. For the sake of your child- hold onto that, if nothing else- and know they love their child and want to be with that child. Do not use your little babies as weapons. If you must call your ex and set up a meeting where you can scream and rant and rave- do it. Do not sleep through Dad’s time (he gets so very little)- do not put your children in a position to pit them against Mom.

When you were married- you delighted in the fact he walked through the door and headed straight for your daughter. Now, you are trying to deny him access to hurt him? SHAME on you. You encouraged her to have children, though she was a severe career woman, she fell in love with staying home with the children but is now forced back into the workplace as a result of the divorce and you are punishing her for it? Belittling her as a mother for not being there for her children? Castigating her for heading out for an evening with friends- SHAME on you. Making yourself into the Disney parent (the one who doesn’t discipline, who showers the child with gifts and trips) just to undermine the efforts of the other parent- SHAME on you.

Bottom line- you had children with this person and the only scars that will likely be eternal are the ones you cause your children. Grow up.

The Special Place in Hell

As if to punctuate my post regarding society being desensitized to violence, a woman I went to high school with was murdered this past week. Here is the picture- can you tell me what’s wrong with it? A hard-working mother and wife making a living in a vicious Michigan economy- caring for patients in their own homes. In the evening, someone breaks into the home, kills both Carrie and her charge- steals Carrie’s car, which is found later by the police.

The list of injustices here is long. This waste of space could have picked a house where no one was home. He could have elected to rob the house (let me promise you in Detroit, Mich., no time would have been spent looking for a burglar who tied up two people and robbed the place) and go on his way- take the car. Instead, he turned a home invasion into a double homicide, literally robbing Carrie’s three children of a mother and her husband of a wife. I know no details of the patient for whom Carrie was caring- but I have no doubt there is loss there.

When did life become anything less than sacrosanct? We have an inalienable right to live. When did it become acceptable for someone to take that away from us for NO reason? At what point in that murderer’s life did he decide he had the right to take the life of another human being? How many had he taken before Carrie? Where is the OUTRAGE? This is human life we are talking about here. The one. The only (depending on your views of reincarnation). This is IT.

When I was in high school, a cheerleader from a neighboring town took her dog out for a walk in the wooded area next to her home as she did every morning before school. The last time she was able to do that- an 11-year-old boy who lived next door was lying in wait. He shot her- because he wondered what it would be like. This is a kid who spent most of his time out of school playing violent video games. Turns out he developed some blood lust. He ended her life. If that statement does not OUTRAGE you- you are desensitized to violence.

The very worst thing about the Natalie Holloway thing- other than her parents letting her go to a foreign country without teaching her you never leave a bar ALONE- is the way she died. According to the piece of garbage who “confessed”- he didn’t even know whether she was dead when he dumped her overboard. She could have just been passed out- having consumed so much alcohol she likely would not even have remembered he RAPED her. He didn’t have to kill her. He could have left her on the beach to wake in a pool of her own vomit. Murder? Why did he think that was OK? She was someone’s daughter!

That bastard John Couey who killed Jessica Lunsford- buried her ALIVE. The suffering that innocent little girl endured while gasping for her last breaths. Are you PISSED off yet? If you aren’t, you have a problem.

I have talked before about judgment and that it is wrong. I am not judging these people- I am ANGRY at their audacity. Rob a freaking house if you must because you are too stupid and lazy to be gainfully employed, but do NOT turn it into a homicide. You haven’t the right to deny children a parent or a parent a child, a sister a brother or anything else.

I am not talking about justifiable homicide- the act of protecting one’s self from one of the depraved miscreants above- and I honestly feel sympathy for anyone who is put in the position of having to defend themselves to the death of another- but better them.

Here is a clue- do not let your children watch violence on TV until they are at an age when they can comprehend what they are viewing. Don’t let it imprint upon them at such a young age- don’t allow them to become so accustomed to seeing murder and death it becomes acceptable- because it is NOT. It is not acceptable for the 11-year-old girl and her 15-year-old boyfriend to light her mother on fire in bed in Tampa last month. If they can do the crime, they can do the time. If a child possesses enough motivation to try to light her mother on fire- she is capable enough to be incarcerated.

Why is death so entertaining? "CSI," "CSI: Miami," "CSI: NY," "Law & Order: SVU" (special victims unit- a show devoted to the type of heinous crimes I am describing above), "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" ... at least with Dexter, he is murdering people who perpetrate unspeakable crimes. We need more vigilantes (a carefully constructed network of mothers)- people willing to put to death those who can NOT control their deviant impulses.

I could go ON and ON about how WRONG it is for stories like this to be blips on the local and national news. How wrong it is for someone who confesses to a heinous act against a child to have a trial? Death by firing squad or guaranteed murder in maximum security prison is the only REASONABLE option.

I might have to rethink my preoccupation with serial killers. Though, in all honesty, I am interested in real serial killers not the ones Hollywood creates. It doesn’t mean I’m not ANGRY about their crimes- especially those against children. Actually, those murdering pedophiles are of no interest to me other than my wish for their demise. In fact, I daydream about that special place in hell stoked just for them.

So, to Carrie’s family, my deepest sympathies. To the family of her patient, I am so very sorry for your loss. For my friends from high school grieving Carrie- rely on one another, remember the fun we all had together, and know that her children are resilient but will need support and kindness in the coming years.

Extract The Extract From The Cabinet

Kids are clever- there is no doubt. Not to be confused with Clever. If you have a clever child, you can bet they will best you at every turn in matters of technology, drugs, alcohol and sex.

I know I have some young readers, so I hesitate to give them ideas here- but I have a feeling most kids already know this and few parents do. Have you ever used lemon extract? To make, let’s say, lemon bars (not me, because I don’t bake or like sugar- but some of you do enjoy both baking and sugar) or lemon blah, blah, blah? Head to your kitchen and look at the bottle or box- what are you looking for? The alcohol content.

It will light your hair on fire- literally. With a poorly managed match or lighter and a bottle of extract- you could light your hair on fire because it is between 83 and 89 percent alcohol. Let me give you some perspective. Beer is generally below six percent (some higher). Champagne hovers at about 12 percent, wine, 12 percent, and hard liquor, 12 percent. Again, these are not hard and fast figures, but I hope you are tracking with me on this.

Lemon, vanilla and some other extracts are almost 180 proof. This is similar to everclear, or grain alcohol, which is about 76 percent alcohol or 151 proof. You remember everclear from college (or maybe you don't because you blacked out) or if you live in Austin- I believe Baby Acapulco’s makes their margaritas with everclear and you are allowed to order only one by restaurant policy.

What is the point to all this, you might wonder? Well, I am glad you asked. A VERY Clever Mommy I know stumbled onto a grocery bag full of bottles of lemon extract during a co-ed party she was hosting for her 17-year-old son. She and her Clever husband quickly consulted the Internet to find a connection between extract and teenagers- as it would take the average baker about 10 life times to use that much extract and she’d never seen her son in the kitchen.

The results were immediate and astounding. According to Urban Dictionary (again, something you should not rely on for ANYTHING other than to figure out what you kids are eating, drinking, smoking, ingesting or experimenting with behind your back) the definition of lemon extract is the strongest alcoholic beverage that an underage person can legally buy. It’s usually sold in 1 oz. bottles for about $4 each, so it’s not at all cheap. However, the alcohol content can be as high as 84% (168 proof), so it’s almost worth it. Also, it burns worse than any other alcoholic beverage going down. Don’t shoot it.

Great advice here. The "good" news is a young child could actually kill themselves for under $4- what a bargain. Or, if someone buys if for them- they can kill themselves for free via alcohol poisoning.

Honestly, I can’t thank the founders of this website enough for being a source of all things unsavory, ill-advised, scandalous, inappropriate, lethal, dangerous, raunchy and disgusting. It warms my soul young children are stumbling onto this site and learning terms like … well, never mind- visit it yourself.

So, Clever Mom then evaluated the guests and realized many of the girls were in fact inebriated- at least two passed out cold (sleeping), one puking (from cramps) and the other shaking uncontrollably (who the hell knows- could have been a drug and alcohol reaction). She confronted her son, he admitted knowledge of the activities, but said he didn’t plan on trying it.

I know a couple of things from being a teenager- saying you weren't going to try it is a lie. Saying you don't know who brought it into the home is a lie. Stipulating you don't know who already consumed or partook in the contraband is a lie. My parents were clear that whomever visited my home was my responsibility. So, if I’d have had knowledge kids were getting messed up on ANYTHING- and didn’t tell my parents- I’d have been toast.

I only had to screw that up once when a girlfriend and I decided to partake in some cherry liquor mixed with diet RC cola, which we enjoyed until we puked and passed out in it- NOT CLEVER. It did me no good to blame it on her for bringing it- I was responsible not only for her, but for my own idiocy. It was a long, boring summer being grounded. Still burns me she didn’t get grounded because she had three older sisters and her parents thought she’d “suffered enough” because we were miserably sick the next day.

The point it- kids are going to find a way to drink- but in this case, it is accessible, potentially very harmful as an entire bottle could kill a child and all the rage. Consider this a heads up for you Clever Parents- and to my lovely Clever Young Ladies- party’s over. Do NOT come home smelling strongly of vanilla, lemon or mint.

I want to applaud the Clever Parents in this scenario because they helped expose a rapidly growing, dangerous trend among children. The situation was handled well and no one died. The parents are still shocked because “These are good kids- from good homes. The girl that brought the bag of extract gets straight A's.”

Here is an alarming statement from a behavior modification therapist with whom I spoke: “The problem is, now it is cool to be bad. There are no reputations to preserve.” So, get with the program, parents. Just because your kid is maintaining a 4.0 GPA or serves as president of the student body doesn’t mean they aren’t engaging in dangerous and subversive behavior.

I wonder what would happen if schools installed video cameras in every classroom so parents could log on to watch their child periodically throughout the day. I bet there would be less behavioral problems at school and more parental accountability. If I had a dime for every time I heard a parent say- “Well, that just doesn’t sound like …”, “Well, he doesn’t act like that at home …” “I have a hard time believing it was my daughter who …” Wake up, parents- your kids live a totally different life at school. They are not necessarily the charming little darlings who delight your friends and family members with their manners and winsome attitudes. Don’t be so quick to assume the teacher “has it in” for your child. These are trained professionals and they have seen it ALL.

I was talking to a preschool teacher the other day and I said- “Can you tell which kids—“ and he finished for me “Are going to jail? Yes.” I laughed heartily because that wasn’t what I was going to ask- I was going to say, “Can you tell the kids who aren’t wired properly?” He laughed and said- “Oh, yeah. We have one kid I have to watch every second because he is sneaky and a little creepy.” Not what one wants to hear about a four year old.

The point is- of course our children are perfect- right? Wrong. They are human. They will make mistakes- but the more clever (cunning and artful) yours is, the more Clever (purposeful and intentional) you need to be as a parent. One wrong move and you could be the parent saying- “He’s a good kid, I don’t understand how this happened …” I just hope it’s not at his funeral or trial.

Ok, Clever Tribe, I am thinking of posting some Clever fiction for download. Chapter by chapter- free to my readers. Let me get some feedback on that. Tomorrow I'll answer some legitimate concerns some people interested in trying hot yoga have. Wednesday I need to scream at the top of my lungs and then on Thursday I have been asked to get my booty in gear on the wedding planning.

If you are planning a wedding or a friend is- you can find some valuable articles written by- you guessed it- ME at this hot link.

Domani-

X

Just Say "NO"

Now that I am officially 100, I am feeling both wizened and sage. I thought I would share with you a situation I encountered yesterday- on my birthday- as I was having lunch with the Big H and Tams. A woman came in with her two children and obviously was not focused on either of them. She was on the phone, or texting, and they were bored and frustrated. None of this interested me, as it seems the norm these days to be completely disconnected from everyone except the people you are not actually with.

I couldn’t help but notice her wrestling with situations and wondered- why doesn’t she just tell them what to do? The bargaining, striking of deals and bribing wasn’t working- why didn’t she just say “no?” She’d done every thing else to try to get the kids to the table, to sit still and to eat and then all things were made clear. She struck up a conversation with the waitress and I overheard her say- “We don’t use the word no at home.”

My mind fast-forwarded to her youngest being offered drugs and not being able to say “no.” If “no” means “no”- where would that leave these children?

It got me thinking about the role “no” plays in society. Have you ever noticed you are considered rude if you use “no” without a qualifier? Think about it.

“Hey, do you want to meet me for a drink?”

“No.” Rude.

“No, I’m sorry I can’t.” Totally acceptable.

“Can you pick me up?”

“No.” Rude

“No, my car is in the shop.” Totally acceptable.

Interesting. Try it sometime and the other person will be shocked and maybe appalled depending on what they have asked of you. Now, back to the issue above.

It seems parents are so afraid to parent- to be unpopular- they are going this far? Far enough the word “no” is not used in the home? If you are not going to use “no”- what is the point of asking permission? So, the kids above never said- “May I get down and walk around the restaurant?”- they just did what ever they wanted. I watched her grapple- “I’d like you to come back here …” “It would be really nice if you’d sit with me and eat …” “That candle is not a toy …” I couldn’t help thinking how much easier her life would be if her 5 year old said- “Mommy, may I go say hello to that little girl?” Then her mother could say- “No, sweetheart. It’s time to eat right now and when you are finished, if she is still here, you may go visit.”

If parents don’t say “no” how are children going to learn how to say “no?” As they grow older, they will be bombarded with situations, which will require a FIRM and unqualified “NO!” If they have never heard it and don’t know the impact of being told “no”- how can they defend themselves?

“Hey, you want some Ecstacy?”

“I’d rather not.”

“Come on- you will love it.”

“I’m OK right now, thank you.”

“Seriously, you have to try it.”

The cajoling will go on and on and on until the offer is accepted.

OR

“Hey, do you want to try some acid?”

“No.”

End of story.

Children need to learn to say “no.” It could save their lives.

I wanted to get up and say- “Just say NO!” It’s OK, you are not hurting them or crushing your spirit. But, then I heard her say “No is such an ugly and unnecessary word.”

Hmmm. It is necessary because it means the opposite of “yes,” and when you don’t want to say yes, you should feel comfortable saying “no.”

“No. I don’t do drugs.”

“No. I don’t want you to touch me.”

“No. I don’t drink. I’m only 10.”

“No, it’s not OK for you to do that.”

“No, I don’t want to go out with you.”

OR

“No.”

“No.”

“No.” To all of the above unqualified.

As far as it being an “ugly” word? Is it ugly because it means you are not getting what you want? What is ugly about it? Telling a child “no” is giving them boundaries and respect for others by placing expectations on their behavior.

“Mommy, may I stand on the table?”

“No. That is not appropriate in a restaurant or at home.”

“May I have dessert?”

“No, not until you eat dinner.”

Children need to ask permission before they do things so they understand how important it is. You don’t want them getting out of bed and letting themselves out the front door. If they think they need to ask permission to do things- they won’t do them without asking permission.

They won’t help themselves to a bottle of baby aspirin or drink an entire glass of wine unattended. They will come to you and ask if they may- and you will say- “No.” Qualifying at times will make an unqualified “no” all the more impacting when you have to yell it to stop your child from stepping off a curb- it will get their attention.

“Mom, can I stay out until 1 a.m.?”

“No.”

Another thing about a firm no- it is less likely to meet resistant or argument.

“Hey, let’s skip class and smoke some pot.”

“No, we might get in trouble.”

“We won’t get in trouble. You haven’t missed one class all year.”

“Well, my mom might smell it on me.”

“Don’t worry, we can stop at my house and shower and change.”

When all the kid really wanted to say is, “No.”

Sex is another issue. You want them to be able to say, “No.” Not, “No, it’s wrong.” “No, I don’t feel like it’s right.” “No, my mom would be upset if she found out.” All your kids are going to get with a weak and qualified "no" is a challenge and eventually talked into what they didn’t feel right about doing to begin with.

Empower them by being powerful. Teach them. Guide them.

On the flip side, I applauded a Clever Mommy at Starbucks this morning. When her 4-year-old son reached for the giant container of cinnamon after being authorized to go get a napkin- he looked to her first askance, and she didn’t bargain, cajole or bribe. She didn’t disrupt the other guests by yelling out to him. She mouthed “no” and he responded. Well done.

To the exhausted and frustrated mommy having sushi- just say “No.” It’s easy and you might save your child’s life- if not, at least your sanity and that of the other people paying a fortune for a dining experience.

Ok, Clever Tribe- there is a “surprise” party planned for me tonight- but you’d have to be So Very Clever to pull one over on me so ... I need to get ready.

Clever Women BECOME Clever Mommies

I attended a party last weekend and there were several people I didn’t know. I decided to linger near the women to see if there was any good content for me to ponder and I hit the jackpot. This post should be a crashing bore for you guys- but it you are a Clever Guy who is married and have any intention of having children- pull up a seat. This is something you should read.

So, there were two women- one had a 4 month old (her first- let’s call her Kate) and one had a 2 year old (her only- let’s call her Nancy).

I overhear before I see-

“I just … I want to feel like me again.” Kate’s voice broke, causing me to look over. She was plucking her top from her chest- showing Nancy what was obviously spit-up from the baby. She might have been 15 pounds overweight- a pleasant face, which was likely just as pretty now as ever. Her hair needed some attention, but she was well dressed (minus the puke). “I still have 10 pounds on me. I vowed this would NOT be me, and here I am. Covered in puke, I’m pretty sure I smell- I don’t know when I showered last …” And then she started to cry. I was embarrassed for eavesdropping so I moved away quickly.

I took my glass of wine and wandered to the fire outside- it was cold but looked so very inviting. I watched through the window after I settled myself on the bench with a blanket. Nancy was saying nothing, just holding her friend’s hand while she wept. My gosh, my heart clenched tightly. As I watched her touch her hair in disgust and try to wipe the baby puke off her black shirt, Kate's words resonated and I came to some conclusions.

As women, we embark upon a journey- an odyssey, really- and it begins when we are aware we are women. Now, I personally have always been aware- because I thought you got to decide whether you wanted to be a boy or a girl and I decided early I was going to be a girl because they get to wear high heels. Now, in that decision, I had to figure out what being a girl meant other than high heels (of course, no aspect of which was more exciting or important).

We are all faced with learning about ourselves through the opinions of others. If we repeatedly are told we are funny - it's what we believe. On this voyage of self-discovery, an amalgam is formed. We are an alloy of what we come to determine are self-defining characteristics- that which we believe and that which we learn from others about ourselves.

An identity is created and we become comfortable (if we are lucky) and confident (as far as you know). We KNOW ourselves (to some degree). We meet someone who we are compatible with and we fall in love. This alters our identity a bit- in that now we are a couple, adjustments are made- we fine-tune and often get married.

Our married selves are different still- maybe we are less selfish now that we have someone else to help, support, guide, comfort and with whom to walk. We still are comfortable, maybe even happier, with this new less self-centered articulation of who we are.

Until the day the plus sign shows up. There might be unmitigated joy as you’ve been trying to get pregnant- being a mother such a huge and unsatisfied part of WHO you want to be. There might be terror at the thought you might fail as a mother- fear you might be as bad a mother as your own- excitement, joy, nervousness- the list literally reads like a phonebook of adjectives.

Your body adjusts slowly- you grow and change and while no one enjoys gaining weight- it’s for the baby (and frankly who wouldn’t want to eat sheet cake every day) and it’s critical- so we put our insecurities aside and if we’ve married a man who is So Very Clever- he’s careful not to joke, prod or jab at our blossoming figures or to leer at our baby boobies (all of the time).

Either way- the range of emotions a woman experiences on a daily basis during her pregnancy is whiplash inducing for those around her- imagine how troubling it is for her. Rarely as an adult are we confronted with an experience upon which we have nothing to draw to help us cope. Through our lives we learn lessons that prepare us for life occurrences- but pregnancy truly is unique. Never at another time in your life do you have a living being growing inside your body- one for whom you will be responsible the rest of your days.

Kate was now wiping her tears- trying to convince Nancy she was fine. I could see her apologizing and laughing at herself, but there was no humor or mirth in her face. I wanted to hug her- and I am NOT a hugger. I wanted to explain something important to her.

For nine months women are nesting- they are padding a little cocoon, if you will accept an absolutely hackneyed metaphor. They take in there everything they know- all they have learned about being a woman, what they've observed of a mother and what they know of themselves, and they wait. They do not emerge slowly and gracefully, however. It’s more like being shot out of a cannon- as a human being passes through hips that don’t quite seem wide enough, or being split hip to hip and having the child removed. Either way- it’s traumatic (painful is too mild a word and lacks context here).

Whoa- or woe- it depends- and then it is on like the break of dawn. No rest, no pausing in the action. So much to learn, to do, to see, to share, to marvel at and revel in, to want to run screaming from. When you do have down time- which is never- you often find yourself in tears. Often from exhaustion, often caused by fear and most often because you have no idea who you are anymore.

Where is that fun and funny woman who people used to stop on the street just to tell her she was beautiful? Why can’t I stop crying? Why can’t I make it out of the house without vomit in my hair? How can I NOT have time to take a shower or urinate? Where did all these dishes come from? Who is supposed to do the laundry? Oh, me. Why am I so freaking tired? Where did the bags under my eyes come from? Why am I still fat? The baby is out, right? By the way, shouldn’t the baby have weight 25 pounds? Six? What about the rest of this weight? Exercise? Who has the time or energy or interest? What is that smell? It’s like rotten milk- oh my GOSH, it is rotten milk! Breast milk- gross. I’m nothing but a lactation station- a leaking, smelly, bleeding and sore feeding trough. I don’t want to wear maternity clothes anymore- but none of my clothes fit and, frankly, why didn’t anyone tell me I used to dress like a hooker? Who wears clothes like these- and in this size? What are these- doll clothes? Get rid of them.

Kate stood up and showed Nancy she was still in her stretchy waist jeans- fashionable Seven jeans but maternity nonetheless, and I was surprised to see Nancy stand up and show her that she was, too. Nancy shrugged and a dark cloud settled over her as well. Nancy indicated toward her breasts, they both had a good laugh and Kate swiped her tears again.

I could see them both wanting to crawl back into that cocoon- but you can’t. You can never go back- most notably because there is nothing in there. What Kate doesn’t realize is she will never be that woman again. The woman she was before she had children has transformed not been left behind. What she isn’t recognizing or appreciating (yet) is the woman she has BECOME. When she was shot out of the cannon- she became a MOTHER. So different than being a woman- so much more than a woman.

Mothers are special and lovely women (unless they have a personality disorder). They have BECOME part of an elite sorority (pardon the use of a label here- I do so loosely). Mothers help shape the next generation in a way no one else can- their job is critical and unique- special and all-important.

What Kate is cracking under is the pressure of change- she has gone into the fire and come out refined- she just doesn’t know it yet. She wants her boobs back, her body back, her clothes to be clean, to be well put-together, to not be late all of the time, to get a decent night’s rest, to be able to stop after work for a drink with friends or a last minute dinner date with her husband.

It’s my hope for Kate she realizes making the holiday party without puke on her, being the block captain (because she is the most organized and efficient), maintaining the perfect size four or having a killer rack is simply not that important on the scale of important. The love she feels for her daughter, Sophie, will shape Sophie’s life- her love- her experiences.

To all the Kates, it’s natural to desire to connect with who you were- and she is still in there- but you will never be a more lovely and true version of who you are than you are right now. The woman and mother you will continue to become is the woman after which your daughter will model her own life, aspire to be and only hope to emulate perfectly. Love your children well- love yourself well.

Now- am I saying it’s OK to carry an extra 40 pounds a year after your child is born? No. Why? It’s not healthy for you or your marriage. It’s not fair to your spouse to hide behind motherhood- you are still a woman and a wife and you should take pride in those aspects as well. Summon some energy- try something new if the gym leaves you cold- or you can’t fathom getting on the treadmill. Try hot yoga. I’ll tell you why tomorrow.

Too sappy? Just asking Clever Husbands to be patient- it is no easier for a new mother to find her way than it is for you to get to know the new and improved version of her. She may be all sharp edges and demands now- but wait until she hits her stride. She is going to be one Clever Mommy.

OK- huge football week this week. I want to talk a little more about the Mike Leach thing. Sorry to the TCU fans- but don’t worry, the Longhorns are going to bring it on Thursday. What a game that will be. I need to figure out what to cook that night. Meatball subs? Yes, yes and yes. Yum.