I was having brunch on Sunday and a situation arose at a table next to me. It started out innocuous, but (and I can still hear it in my mind’s eye) then, I am almost certain the leit motif from the pistol duels from the old Westerns began to play. The duel was ocular, the issue was not a woman or money but a piece of gum and the honor in question became apparent quickly.
A mom, a dad and a 3-year-old little girl. As I sat down, they were obviously finished and settling their tab. The child was well behaved and drawing quietly while the parents chit-chatted.
"Mommy, may I have a piece of gum?" Insert my warm and fuzzy feelings over a tiny little person having such great manners. Mom flips open her purse, fishes about and produces a pack of gum. She absently plucks one piece, notices the package is empty and crumples it after handing the gum to her daughter.
"Actually? I’d like two pieces.
"There is only one left. I know you would prefer two pieces, but I have only one.'
The child began to unwrap the treat petulantly.
"But I’d really prefer two."
"You are not understanding me. I have only one piece. Either way, you should be grateful you have one." The mom was looking over the bill as dad was pulling out a credit card.
"I’m not grateful," the little angel remarked defiantly and popped the gum into her mouth.
I am pretty sure the world paused. Mom dropped the check presenter, her eyes narrowed as she trained them on her daughter.
"I beg your pardon?" she challenged, but the response was merely a set of raised eyebrows. That is when I heard the music, saw the tumbleweed and raised my hand to shield my eyes from the prairie dust.
"Spit it out." Mom offered a hand, which made my skin crawl a bit. My gosh I cannot stand anything sticky on my hands- partially chewed is OUT of the question.
A turn of the head. Defiant.
Dad pipes in here, finally. "It’s just a piece of gum."
"No. It’s. NOT."
"Spit it out. In my hand. Now."
The child’s hand flies to her mouth to protect her cherished treat. Mom stood up and took her by the other hand and lead her to the outside of the patio where I was sitting. She lowered herself to her knees and asked politely again for the gum to be deposited in her hand.
Nothing.
She reached up and attempted to removed the hand from in front of her daughter’s mouth, at which the child let out a scream that would rival the sound of a jet taking off. The other patrons took note.
"Young lady. If you do not spit that gum in my hand right now, I will spank you."
Nothing.
Mom slapped the little girl’s thigh, more to get her attention than to sting. She then forced the hand from her daughter’s mouth and pried open her jaws extracting the gum. Fits and starts, paroxysms of fury emanated from the child. Her mother pointed to the small bench within her eye site and went back to the table while her lead-footed, heavy hearted daughter trudged to her "dungeon."
"I can’t believe you created such a scene over a piece of gum, " her husband snapped at her.
"I handled it as politely and quietly as I could. This is a family restaurant and maybe someone learned something. It is OK for me to discipline my child. I’m sorry if the crying disturbed the peace for a moment."
"It’s gum."
"It’s not about GUM. It’s the principle of it. She said she wasn’t grateful. I cannot abide that. I will not raise an entitled little brat who thinks it is her right to have food, clothing and shelter. She will not grow up thinking we are her servants- that we are subjugated to her."
"How is she supposed to understand that? All she knows is you just slapped her, embarrassed her and snatched a piece of gum from her mouth for no reason."
"I’m not finished. That wasn’t easy for me."
After about five minutes- Mom got eye contact with her teary eyed baby and gestured for her to return to the table. She slipped into her empty chair quietly as if fearful of attracting attention.
"Why are you still crying?"
"Does this mean you don’t like me anymore?"
As an observer, I knew this was critical mass. My own heart was thundering at the pathetic scene. I watched mom buckle a little- evaluating the situation. Was she being actively manipulated? Was her daughter that confused?
After a beat, mom leaned forward and took her daughter’s hands in her own.
"Baby, it’s because I love you so very much that I had to take the gum away. You see, there was just one piece left and maybe Daddy wanted it, or maybe I did. I gave it to you and asked you to be thankful you had one at all. You said you weren’t grateful and that is not acceptable to me."
"I’m grateful now. May I have it back?"
"No, sweetheart. I threw it away because you don’t deserve to have any gum right now. When you can show me you are thankful for somethings today, we can talk about having some gum."
"I’m sorry, Mommy."
“It’s OK, baby. This is an important lesson. If you do not appreciate your friends or your toys or your family you could lose them. Does that make sense?"
"I am grateful for you and Daddy. And gum." They all had a good laugh and I was so proud of her. She was under fire- by the other patrons and her own husband. She engaged in mortal combat with a 3 year old over a piece of gum. But it wasn’t a piece of gum- it was a principle.
Clever parents know that teaching children love, acceptance, respect and graciousness in the earliest years will set them on a path better equipped for the hardships life has in store.
Lies start little but become big if not addressed. Mean seems harmless when they are on the playground but can become devastating, sneakiness over an after-dinner treat can turn into sneaking out of the house when you are asleep, cheating at Candyland can translate to cheating on tests, manipulating you and other adults can turn into lifelong underhanded and insidious behavior to procure whatever they WANT.
Clever parents are not afraid to be unpopular.
OK, count on my kettlebell post tomorrow and an NHL update on Friday- I am about to catch a flight. Take heart, parents- the more work you do when they are small, the easier it gets as they grow older and their conscience begins to guide them.
People used to think it was necessary to "spank" adult members of the community, military trainees, and prisoners. In some countries they still do. In our country, it is considered sexual battery if a person over the age of 18 is "spanked", but only if over the age of 18.
ReplyDeleteFor one thing, because the buttocks are so close to the sex organs and so multiply linked to sexual nerve centers, striking them can trigger powerful and involuntary sexual stimulus in some people. There are numerous physiological ways in which it can be sexually abusive, but I won't list them all here. One can use the resources I've posted if they want to learn more. All materials listed may be accessed at the website of Parents and Teachers Against Violence In Education at www.nospank.net.
Child buttock-battering vs. DISCIPLINE:
Child buttock-battering (euphemistically labeled "spanking","swatting","switching","smacking", "paddling",or other cute-sounding names) for the purpose of gaining compliance is nothing more than an inherited bad habit.
Its a good idea for people to take a look at what they are doing, and learn how to DISCIPLINE instead of hit.
I think the reason why television shows like "Supernanny" and "Dr. Phil" are so popular is because that is precisely what many (not all) people are trying to do.
There are several reasons why child bottom-slapping isn't a good idea. Here are some good, quick reads recommended by professionals:
Plain Talk About Spanking
by Jordan Riak,
The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children
by Tom Johnson,
NO VITAL ORGANS THERE, So They Say
by Lesli Taylor M.D. and Adah Maurer Ph.D.
Most compelling of all reasons to abandon this worst of all bad habits is the fact that buttock-battering can be unintentional or intentional sexual abuse for some children. There is an abundance of educational resources, testimony, documentation, etc available on the subject that can easily be found by doing a little research with the recommended reads-visit the website of Parents and Teachers Against Violence In Education at www.nospank.net.
Just a handful of those helping to raise awareness of why child bottom-slapping isn't a good idea:
American Academy of Pediatrics,
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry,
American Psychological Association,
Center For Effective Discipline,
Churches' Network For Non-Violence,
Nobel Peace Prize recipient Archbishop Desmond Tutu,
Parenting In Jesus' Footsteps,
Global Initiative To End All Corporal Punishment of Children,
United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child.
In 26 countries, child corporal punishment is prohibited by law (with more in process). In fact, the US was the only UN member that did not ratify the Convention on the Rights of the Child.
PDeverit-
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the information and links for parents who prefer to refrain from any type of corporal punishment. I think often parents find themselves caught between the teachings of their own upbringing and that which they find more in keeping with their own desires.
I feel I must stipulate the mother in question in "It's Just a Piece of Gum"- never at any time "spanked" her child. She did administer a slap on the outer thigh to get her attention- it appeared this was not common practice as the child was mortified by it.
"Can you Handle the Scandal" details my own paddling by a male teacher when I was nine years old. I am still angry a man I barely knew administered corporal punishment, yet neither of my parents ever have. Seems far to intimate for a "stranger." If he had paddled my child- it would have gone to blows.
You don't lay hands on another person's child. EVER. If more people abided by this maybe we could eliminate a number of problems which plague our society.
Please continue to read- thank you for this valuable feedback.
Coming soon a series on Human Trafficking. It's a First World problem too.
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CG
As I am out and about running errands, going to dinner with the family or shopping for groceries, it never ceases to amaze me at the lack of "parenting" that parents really do. Whether their child is pitching a fit over not getting their way (which normally ends with the parent giving in) or the child talking in such a disrespectful manner to the parents, it seems that somewhere along the way parents forgot that THEY are the ones in charge. I think it is imperative, especially now days, to teach lessons to your precious children starting at a very young age. The more the parents "let them" get away with (normally due to the fact of their laziness or just plain not wanting to upset the child), the more they will regret it in the future. Parents, you are in charge..NOT the children! Parents not only need to teach their children life lessons but they also need to explain (especially to the younger ones) why the situation played out like it did. Don't just punish them and not ever discuss it. Get down on your child's eye level and make sure they understand why you want them to do this or that or not behave a certain way. Since when did parents get scared of punishing their children?! Not physically punishing them but disciplining them where they know not to act in that manner. I think this was a great lesson that this mom taught her daughter. We are surrounded by so many blessings that we take for granted every day and we need to help grow our children into respectful and thankful adults. However, parents have to live their life like such as well. We have to set examples so our kids can learn and see us carrying out these things.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this story, Clever Girl!
Natalie-
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for reading and leaving this comment. I am glad I'm not the only person offended by the outlandish behavior of children. I could not agree with you more. Children learn by example and when the example is love and knowledge they learn and feel loved. It's not easy, but it's a JOB.
I wish people would not have children. I wish women were sterilized at birth and before they could become a parent they had to go before a panel of professionals and family members to prove themselves worthy.
Too George Orwell? Jonathan Swift? It's better than parents murdering children they don't want or selling them or hurting them. Makes me FREAKING crazy.
Let me hear from you again- you are obviously So Very Clever.
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CG