Skinny- Bad. Bitch- Bad. Why Did I Buy That Book?

I was thinking about the book "Skinny Bitch" today- and I’ve already made clear I thought it was absurd and profane. First of all, if you need to speak like Jenny McCarthy to get your point across- ask yourself- who is your audience (idiots) and what does that do to your credibility (you no longer have any)?

Now, don’t misunderstand- I am a big fan of swearing- even the "F" word manages to work it’s way into conversation too often- but guess what? There is something called having a "sense of occasion"- an extension of the concept "a time and a place." I do not drop the big "F" in conversation with people I’ve just met- at meetings, during a contract negotiation or at church. I even mitigate the use of profanity around my "elders" unless they are family members because, frankly, how do you think I learned how to swear?

Actually, there's a rumor in our family that other little kids would come to the door when my brother was 3 and ask if he could come out and swear. Knowing my brother, I’d say this was less urban legend and more "classic" behavior on his part. So, as you see, swearing, like drinking, runs in my family- but so does knowing when not to swear (except my brother- he never did get the "sense of occasion" memo).

Fiesta or Siesta? Siesta First- then Fiesta and Fajitas

As promised- here are a few recipes for the weekend. As I've noted before- I prefer to use whole wheat tortillas- from Central Market if possible, Whole Foods if not. I also enjoy freshly made corn tortillas. Whatever your tortilla preference- enjoy.

I hope Geoff doesn't give me a hard time about these recipes- but I am sure he will. So you know, I was challenged to a Guac Off by one of the most Clever Guys I know- and I won (though the runner up's guacamole was fantastic as well).

Fabulous Fajitas

Before you leave for work you can get this marinating in the fridge and it will be perfect by the time you build that fire. The number of people you are cooking for will determine the the amount of each needed.

Boneless, skinless chicken breasts

Skirt steak or sirloin fajita beef

Shrimp (peeled and deveined) is an added option

1 to 2 light beers, depending on the amount of meat

Salt, pepper, garlic powder and ground cumin

Worchestershire sauce

Trim excess fat off meat (but not too lean on beef - the fat helps tenderize and flavor the meat). If you do use shrimp, place them on wood or metal skewers. Season liberally with the above dry seasonings. Place in a deep container or pan. Apply a generous amount of Worchestershire sauce and then slowly pour the beer (s) into the corner of container (so it doesn’t wash the seasonings off the meat). Meat should be close to submerged and refrigerated. As soon as you get home from work, flip the meat and let it continue to marinate.

If you want to add veggies, use green or red peppers and sweet onion, cut into chunks, skewer them on any form of skewer and add to the grill just before you flip the beef. Cook 2-3 minutes on each side.

Grill over direct heat for 3-4 minutes each side for beef and 6-15 minutes each side for the chicken, depending on the thickness. Slice into long strips and serve with fresh, warmed tortillas.

Greatest Guacamole

2 large, ripe avocados (should be slightly soft to the squeeze- not hard and not squishy)

Cilantro - wash and coarsely chop half a bunch

Juice of 1 large lime

Sea salt - to taste

Ground cumin - ½ teaspoon

Red onion - half of medium - coarsely chopped

Fresh garlic - 2 cloves, finely chopped

Fresh jalapeno - optional, coarsely chopped

I like to add a tablespoon of Mrs. Renfro’s salsa verde (most any green salsa will suffice), but it is not necessary. Do not use roasted salsas unless you enjoy a smoky flavor.

Take a knife and cut avocado to the pit all the way around, twist each side and pull one side off, exposing the pit. Holding avocado half in hand, take the knife and gently but forcefully chop into the pit short ways. Leaving the knife lodged in the pit gently turn knife handle until the pit dislodges from the fruit. Take knife and cut slices into avocado (while still in the shell) from top to bottom and then the other direction in a crisscross pattern. Take a large spoon and remove pre-cut fruit from shell into a large bowl.

Place all of the above ingredients into the bowl of avocado and stir until the desired consistency has been achieved.

Add one coarsely chopped tomato last so it is not destroyed during the mashing.

I prefer to double this recipe and have it available with a great baked chip when my guest(s) arrive. The remaining guacamole should be served with the fajitas along with sour cream, mixed grated cheese and salsa (fresh or purchased)

Quick Salsa

1 can of diced tomatoes, drained for thicker salsa

½ bunch of cilantro

1or 2 fresh jalapenos

¼ onion (red, white or yellow)

1 tsp. ground cumin

1 tsp. garlic powder or two cloves fresh

Juice of ½ to 1 lime

Salt - to taste

Place all of the above ingredients in a food processor or blender and blend until smooth. Serve as an appetizer with chips and guacamole and also with dinner.

NOTE: Skip the food processor and coarse chop ingredients and use fresh tomatoes instead of canned for a fresh and fabulous pico de gallo.

Enjoy, Clever Tribe- I know I will. x

New Year's Yummmm

Ok, Clever Tribe- one of the most Clever Guys I know, Geoff (nickname also CG, stands for Cool Geoff- not self-proclaimed but earned in college for being, well, cool)- seems to have a problem with my breakfast taco recipe from yesterday and I am anticipating his grievance- use chorizo instead of sausage. I have a good reason for not doing so- I abhor chorizo. If you like it- use it. This is a matter of being Clever. If you like chorizo- and you are making something with the word "taco" in it- substitute chorizo for sausage. Fair enough, CG? Or are you going to give me a hard time for suggesting store-bought salsa? OK- for game day and New Year's Day- here is a quick and easy homemade salsa recipe pirated from El Azteco in East Lansing, Mich. I must tell you- even though I paid $50 for this recipe- it doesn't taste the same. Either way- my bastardized version is below-

El Az Salsa

Large can of diced tomatoes (drained for thicker salsa)

Two large jalapenos- rinsed and cut in half

1/2 white onion-coarsely chopped

1 bunch of cilantro- rinsed

sea salt

cumin

garlic powder

black pepper

In a food processor- puree the tomatoes. Add a liberal amount of salt, a dash of garlic powder, black pepper and a more liberal amount of cumin.

Set mixture aside in a large bowl.

Add a small handful of cilantro, both jalapenos and the onion to food processor and process until it is almost like a roux- thick but not liquidy.

Combine- enjoy with chips.

I suppose CG (Geoff) would propose you cut homemade corn tortillas in quarters and fry them yourself. I prefer to get a bag of baked chips from Whole Foods.

Is it time to discuss Mike Leach? No. There is nothing to say- abuse of power? Likely. Tech's way of getting out of a nearly $1 million bonus? Likely. Did he put the wrong kid in an equipment shed? For certain. Why don't you just slap Dan Patrick's daughter across the face? Have mouth- have platform- will use it- someone is going to get hurt. Hmmm.

Also received an e-mail yesterday from a reader asking for an alternative to serving chili to her guests tomorrow. She is from Michigan and it's freaking cold- so, I am going to give you my favorite recipe for goulash. We Northerners are big on things served in a bowl- steaming hot with warm bread. Yum.

Goulash for Game Day

Two large cans of diced tomatoes- if you can find the ones that have the Italian spices added already- get them. Make sure you don't inadvertently get the ones with green chilies or you will have an interesting Southwesty goulash.

I use 1 lb. of 90/10 ground beef- but for those who prefer meaty, hearty, meaty, meaty- use more. If you prefer tomatoey to meaty- add another can of tomatoes.

1 large white onion

salt

olive oil

garlic powder

oregano

3/4 can of water

Elbow macaroni- or whole wheat fusilli (my fave)

Open tomatoes and put them in a large soup pot on medium heat. Add water. Add a generous amount to sea salt, garlic powder and oregano.

Coarsely chop the onion and saute in a splash of olive oil. Once they are well cooked- transparent but not burned- add to the tomato mixture.

Brown ground beef and drain- add to tomato mixture. Simmer for a couple hours- stir and make sure it's covered so you do not lose your liquid.

Taste- it should be evident there is salt in there- if it is not- add some- it really heightens the flavors.

Prepare pasta in water and serve goulash over the pasta. Not as much as you would use for pasta- there should be more goulash than pasta.

Warm a loaf of French or Italian bread and yum. Serves a lot of people and isn't CHILI.

OK- I must go- have family descending.

Have a safe and wonderful evening- let's put this b*&^h of a year to bed. No looking back. I'll shout at you tomorrow with some thoughts I have on resolutions for the NEW year.

x

Beer, Pizza and Football. It's Looking to be a Great Day

Ok, Clever Girls- it's game day and what a game today holds! Alabama takes on LSU- two powerhouse SEC (southeastern conference) teams go head to head. But it gets even better! The winner of this game will likely face Florida in the conference championship game. But! There is so much more drama at play here.

You see, Nick Saban, Alabama’s coach- used to be the coach of LSU (Louisiana State University)- where he lead them to two Championships in 2001 and 2003 and then at the end of the 2004 season, left them to try his hand in the NFL. I am sure the LSU fans were happy to see a lack luster performance for Saban’s Dolphins. There are some other people rooting for Saban and Alabama to fail- the Michigan State Spartans fans who were left by Saban- unceremoniously when he accepted a job with LSU right before the Spartans were to take on FSU in the Citrus Bowl.

It would seem to me, Saban’s conduct is consistent with the “hired gun” mentality in college football coaching. Few are the coaches who play out their careers with their college teams out of love and loyalty- no aspirations of NFL glory- just love of their team and the love of college football.

The Heisman race is boiling over!

Tim Tebow (Florida) is still looking good to pull an “Archie” (Archie Griffin is the only two time winner of the Heisman 1974 & 1975). The Gators are still undeafeated and I don’t imagine Vanderbuilt is going to provide much in the way of a challenge today.

Sam Bradford’s chances of an “Archie” were put to bed early in the season by injury- and it would have been a true “Archie” (back to back wins)

Colt McCoy continues to put up some big numbers with one of the most prolific offenses in the game. I see Colt hanging at least a half a hundred on Central Florida today.

Today is a BIG day for Mark Ingram, ‘Bama’s sophomore running back- a win today would elevate his Heisman cred. I have a vested interest here, Mark is from my home town and we sure do need some good news in Michigan!

Of course, I am looking for Penn State to whip up on Ohio State (sorry, E). I’m happy with the Yankees win. Hockey is getting good- look forward to me unfurling all the hockey particulars- soon. We have plenty of time, this is a long season and I am still trying to break you into the NBA (it’s as painful for me as it is for you).

Now, I want to offer a last minute gift idea for the Clever Guy who has everything. If he is as crazy about college football as I am- a great gift would be to attend the Heisman Award Ceremony in NYC. It is on Monday, December 14th, which might pose vacation related problems- but it is such an honor! Check out www.heisman.com for tickets and information. They are pricey- I call it priceless. Especially if your Clever Guy is a Gator fan or a Texas fan- it’s a great bet Tebow and Colt will be in attendance. At the VIP cocktail area- you get the opportunity to mingling with former Heisman winners!!!! Oh, and since the tickets are so pricey- you could offer to allow him to go alone and spend your equivalent amount on Fifth Avenue.

OK- now for your game day pizza

I like to use just a little bit of water with my tomato paste- add a bit of garlic powder, oregano and cayenne pepper. Heat to warm.

I brown my Italian sausage and drain it completely.

I broil the orange, red and yellow peppers along with my sliced onion until they are soft and a bit charred. I then chop them up small.

Olives are sliced thin.

Mushrooms (fresh only) are sliced thin- raw.

Now, the reason everything is cooked (except the mushrooms) prior to being put on the pizza is so the moisture associated with cooking meat and vegetables doesn’t end up being soaked into the crust.

So, put your sauce on- a nice even layer- careful at the center- this is the area which is hardest to cook- it should be the thinnest here.

Then a nice layer of mozzarella cheese.

Add your veggies and meat. I put the mushrooms on the top because they need to be exposed to the heat to cook down.

Pop it in the oven at the appropriate temperature as indicated on the packaging and cook at least 10 minutes- depending on how crisp you like your crust.

ENJOY!

OK- on Monday I plan to continue my wedding planning series. Tuesday are more Clever Gifts for Clever Guys, Wednesday will cover a few more Clever Gifts for Clever Girls, Thursday will be another installment for Clever Guys to help them not get kicked in the gut during the wedding planning process. Can't wait!

Something Hot for Game Day

Ok- Clever Girls, the taco pie takes five minutes to assemble- if you assemble it early- don't refrigerate it- if you do refrigerate it, allow time to let it come to room temperature before you put it in the oven. This will encourage even warming. The slaw requires some effort- if you decide to put it together prior to the game, do not add the dressing until one half hour prior to serving.

TACO PIE

Start with a pie dish

Coat the bottom with cream cheese

Pour can of chili over the top of the cream cheese

Top with grated cheese

Bake on top rack at 250 until cheese on top is melty but not burned

Serve hot but keep in mind- it is molten lava out of the oven- I actually had someone fling it across the room toward my sink after he popped it into his mouth after I said- Napalm.

This is best with- you guessed it tortilla chips

PORK TACOS WITH BBQ SLAW

Whether you are home or at the game- all you need is a grill or an oven. If you are grilling, salt, pepper and garlic both tenderloins and grill them to a perfect 170 degrees. If you are cooking in the oven go with 350- use a meat thermometer and achieve the same temperature. The tenderloin should be sliced thin or shredded- preference of the carver.

If you are taking the meat to the game- slice it and put it in a covered air tight container- it should maintain heat and it is ok to serve it cold.

If you can’t serve warm tortillas- I suggest instead some lavash or wrap for the tacos- nothing worse than a cold tortilla. You can warm them on a grill over indirect heat- or put them in tin foil and put them on the grill to warm.

BBQ SLAW

In a large bowl- combine the following:

Shred at least half a head of the cabbage by cutting it slant ways- shaving it. For those not Clever in the kitchen yet, cut the head in half- cut a pie shape around the core and remove. Remove a few layers of the outside of the head and discard. For the most part- you needn’t wash.

Slice the other half of the peppers and onion you used for the Texas Caviar- unless you doubled the recipe.

Rinse and coarse chop the cilantro

Slice the jalapenos thin- or eliminate for less racy palates

SLAW DRESSING

Combine in a large measuring cup-

½ cup of reduced fat mayo

1/3 cup Kraft original or favorite BBQ sauce

1 tablespoon of cider vinegar

a dash of white pepper

1 packet of splenda

If you are using Kraft Original I like to add-

A dash of cayenne

A liberal dash of garlic powder

A dash of chili powder

A teaspoon of Worcestershire Sauce

A few dashes of Tabasco

If using your favorite BBQ sauce- leave it unmodified

Blend the dressing and fold into the SLAW

I like to use my hands to make sure it is evenly coated- if you want more moist slaw- add BBQ. If it is too moist for your taste- shave the other half head of cabbage until the desired consistency is reached.

Clever Girls try to use paper plates on game day so they don’t miss a minute of the game.

In a warm tortilla combine the pork and the slaw and ENJOY!

Game Day Grub

Clever Tribe:

I have been asked for some game day recipes which can be created and served high fat or low fat- depending on who is monitoring your intake (you or your date). The Texas Caviar and Cheese Dip are great for tailgating or at home because they are easy to prepare ahead of time, the recipes double and triple flawlessly and mobile- no concern for being left out for grazing.

It is Texas OU weekend (or OU Texas) and the party starts today. I have already made the below items because Clever Girls shop and prepare ahead of time so you have NO excuse for picking up the perfunctory cold cut and veggie tray from Tom Thumb (BARF).

Tomorrow will be a hot recipe, a main dish and a side dish and Saturday some secret information for Clever Girls to impart when the game starts.

HOT APPETIZER SHOPPING LIST

one can of chili. I use non-fat turkey chili with beans. Chose your favorite.

one block or container of Philadelphia Cream Cheese

one bag of mixed grated cheese

favorite tortilla chips

SHOPPING LIST FOR MAIN COURSE (TAILGATE OR AT HOME)

1 package of pork tenderloin (should contain two tenderloins)- not port roast

20 tortillas of choice

salt

pepper

garlic

SIDE DISH SHOPPING LIST

one head of green cabbage

one red, yellow, orange pepper (you can use the other half from Texas Caviar)

1 bunch of cilantro

1 red onion

jalapenos

1 bottle of Kraft Original

reduced fat mayonnaise

cider vinegar

white pepper

a packet of Splenda

Spices you should have on hand to add my twist to the bbq sauce-

garlic Powder

worcesteshire sauce

tabasco

cayenne pepper

chilli powder

TEXAS CAVIAR (having nothing to do with fish or fish eggs)

This fantastic recipe was introduced to me only last year by Charter Member of the Clever Tribe, Julie. Born and raised in the Dallas area, she has exposed this Yankee Clever Girl to all kinds of fabulous cuisine.

SHOPPING LIST FOR TEXAS CAVIAR

two cans of black-eyed peas

one can of black beans

tortilla chips

a red, yellow and orange pepper

jalapenos

1 bunch of cilantro

1 red onion

1 tomato

3 pickling cucumbers

Your favorite Italian Dressing- I like to make Good Season (red wine vinegar and oil)

In a large bowl combine the following:

two cans of black eyed peas (no bacon) rinsed

one can of black beans rinsed

one half of each- diced (this is mostly for color- they all taste the same)

red pepper

yellow pepper

orange pepper

half a red onion- diced

One bunch of cilantro rinsed, picked and chopped coarsely. I like to add this right before serving because it looks nicer.

1 large tomato diced. I add this at the last minute before serving so the tomatoes hold their shape and look fresh.

Fresh sliced jalapenos to taste.

Three pickling cucumbers- they are the small ones you wonder about in the produce area- usually very dirty so wash well. These cucumbers are more dense and crispy than the hot house or hydroponic ones. Dice them bite sized and don’t peel.

Add ¾ s of a bottle of your favorite Italian dressing. I am partial to making Good Seasons in the little glass cruette. When you make it healthy, use 2/3 red wine vinegar, almost a third of heart smart oil (I like Enova) and a splash of water- plus seasoning packet.

Shake, pour over your Texas Caviar- chill and serve with a variety of chips- the baked Scoops from Frito Lay are perfect.

COTTAGE CHEESE DIP FROM EL AZTECO IN E. LANSING

A must have for game day and I am certain every single guy reading this is going to groan- “I hate cottage cheese” just as every dude who I have fed it to said before it went in his mouth. It’s really, really, good. Even when you really, really, don’t like cottage cheese. Just try it. For me. This is for you G-F (one of the Cleverest Guys I know).

SHOPPING LIST FOR COTTAGE CHEESE DIP

16 oz container of Cottage Cheese

2 Packages of Hidden Valley Ranch dressing powder

1 bunch of green onions

1 bag of grated cheese

small container of sour creme

celery

Tricuits

In a large bowl- combine the following:

16 oz container of Cottage Cheese

1.5 packets of Hidden Valley Ranch dressing powder

1 bunch of green onions- chopped, yes, use the green part

¾ bag of grated cheese (I like to use Colby cheddar for color- some devotees from MSU prefer only a white cheese, not swiss)

a large tablespoon of sour crème

As with all the dairy products in this recipe, choose the amount of fat in accordance with your dietary preferences- you won’t believe it, but this dip is just as good with non-fat cottage cheese and non-fat sour crème. I always use low fat mixed grated cheese.

Blend well and serve chilled with celery, Triscuits, tortilla chips and again, the baked Scoops are perfect for the deep dipper.

And now, this Clever Girl is off to partake in the pre-game festivities with some of her most favorite of the Clever Tribe.