From Clever to Clueless in Ten Minutes

I got this e-mail last night and it nearly broke my heart. Following that, I realized this Clever Guy, and yes, you are still Clever, is not alone.

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My wife and I had our first child three months ago and I thought we were prepared. We’ve been married five years, it was a planned pregnancy, we read all the books, we took all the classes and somehow, I have gone from Clever to Clueless in the ten minutes it took for my son to be born. I used to be THE husband- the one everyone wanted to be, have or look to for guidance. Now, my wife looks at me with disdain more than reverence. I could go on and on about what I am “doing wrong,” but I hope you have heard from other husbands who have been kicked from their position of Clever Husband. I don’t want to taint your response- so I will leave it at that and hope you can give me some place to start.

From Clever to Clueless in ten minutes

This e-mail really inspired me. First of all, you are not clueless, at least not anymore clueless than anyone else after having their first child. Sadly, many are still clueless enough to keep pumping them out beyond emotional, physical, spacial and financial capabilities. So, let’s start at the beginning. Kudos to you for setting yourself apart from the pack as a husband. You are fortunate to have experienced reverence within the bounds of marriage, as so much does change after the “I Dos.”

Often women love the man they are dating, but once the vows have been exchanged expect him to “settle” down, “grow up,” “become more responsible,” “make more money,” “stay home” more, “quit traveling” for work or fun, abandon hobbies he enjoys alone and trade them in for ones you can share together, and to “prove” they are ready to be a father.

Now- what the freaking hell kind of sense does that make? Why would you marry someone who hadn’t been road tested? By that I mean, why would you think he would change once you got married? A Clever Girl would want to marry a man because she loves his edgy personality, his propensity to take risks (and accepts it), his boyish qualities as they translate to his personality, and can see his ability to be a father in the man he already IS. Further, Clever Girls do not marry “potential.” That doesn’t even make sense. If he is making forty thousand dollars a year, is happy making forty thousand dollars per year and shows little ambition or inclination to move up or out of his present field- why would you marry him only to brow beat him for all eternity into doing something he DOESN’T want to do?

Now, by the same token- say you are dating a highly motivated man who thrives on business, working and advancing his career- why would you marry him and ask him to quit traveling so much or to shift his focus from work to you or family? If he isn’t doing it while you are dating- he isn’t going to do it later, necessarily. To determine the chances of him altering his professional goals to such an extent you will be satisfied emotionally and feel comfortable starting a family, which you might manage a great deal alone, you need a fair amount of discussion.

Put simply- if you love the “rock star” life style while dating- you had better be certain you are both ready to continue it or let it go. It is too often I hear from men their wives loved to date them and hate being married to them. If you are dating Peter Pan (never wants to grow up) do not assume the responsibility attached to marriage or fatherhood will encourage him to “grow up.”

You need to determine well in advance of marriage whether kids are essential to you both, out of the question or an “if it happens it happens”- because marriages are broken all the time when a woman realizes when he said “he wasn’t opposed to having children”, really meant he’d never been faced with the option and now that you are bringing it up, he IS opposed to it.

Ninety nine times of one hundred the man you married is the man you are going to be married to. You are not CLEVER if you married a man hoping things would “change,” “get better,” “improve” or that he’d become “more responsible,” “nicer,” “better with money,” “get a better job,” or my favorite “love me because I am the mother of his child.” Don’t get me started on women who get pregnant to railroad some poor guy into marriage- knowing he will “do the right thing,” get pregnant to “save the marriage,” or to give him a not so gentle shove into becoming a father. You are asking for trouble and have no one to blame but yourself when you are divorced within a year. Men do not like being manipulated, pushed or nagged- especially about an issue of such consequence.

So- back to From Clever to Clueless. So, you are (were) the heralded husband- fabulous. This probably means you are easy on the eyes, do your best to hit the gym, make a good living and somehow balance home and wife and work. You are thoughtful, considerate of women in general, you don’t grimace at chick flicks or even roll your eyes over "Grey’s Anatomy" and "Desperate Housewives." You likely fetch drinks, pull out chairs, offer sincere compliments, like your in-laws and stand up for women while you are lingering about them with your wife at parties. You are the “perfect” husband. What this really means is your wife married the man she was dating because she LOVES him- then and now, for who you are.

This is a big part of why you feel shattered right now. You feel you have disappointed her- perhaps for the first time. I can almost reassure you this is not the case. I will have to start with the pregnancy in order to address some of your concerns. I have no doubt you were there every step of the way- you held her hair while she was puking, catered to her during the optical migraines, managed to feed her precisely the items she was longing for regardless of the time or inconvenience, complimented her blossoming figure when all you really cared about was the baby boobies, tolerated her emotional outbursts and tirades, put up with the insane nesting that had you racing to the store or the dump daily to get rid of something or to acquire something, you were involved in the designing of the nursery, the planning of her “perfect” shower, you made it to almost every doctor’s appointment and didn’t panic when her water broke or pass out during the delivery. You said ten minutes, so I am thinking c-section, so I will predicate a fair amount on that assumption (my apologies if I am wrong).

Ta-da! Here is your son! Your wife is totally out of it due to the necessary drugs to cut her open from hip to hip and remove a human being, crying, overwhelmed with joy and terror- and you are not. What you are is faint after seeing them hoist your son up over the drape- bloody and grey- certain he was not alive- then relieved beyond measure after hearing him cry, terrified because he is crying, already feeling pulled apart because your wife needs you, your son needs you and you have no idea what you can do for either of them.

Once things calm down- a host of health care professionals are deluging you with information on subjects you can barely understand let alone commit to a barely functioning memory- you begin to feel the weight of responsibility settling upon you. Oh my gosh- I am a Father. I am responsible for the health, well-being, safety, emotional development and life of my son for the rest of my days. You might be sinking under the force of all this with your face and hands pressed against the glass as you watch them clean your son and prepare him to join you and your wife. You might even be experiencing a bit of detachment as a result of the suddenness with which you have taken on this responsibility- as if the last nine months never happened, nor did you attend classes or even read books. WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW? is all you can think.

Now, if you think this is how YOU feel? Your wife, while to you it seems an advantage, held the little guy in his convenient carrying case for nine months and now here he is. He was breathing on his own, getting some darn good meals thanks to you, Daddy- enjoying the perfect climate and his autonomy- can you imagine her thinking little else other than WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW? Granted, if she had a c-section- she is loaded, but it will fade and with that, some of her pain, fear and stress. You might have seen a calm return (one you may not have seen for almost a year), peace and the beauty, which only exists for mothers.

So, all that to say this. You are likely experiencing the same emotions, but society has dictated you feel certain emotions at certain times. This leads to a great deal of unnecessary pressure. So, your need to not feel what you are feeling, and the pressure to feel what you aren’t feeling, translates to tension and stress. So, entrust your best friend and communicate. This goes for men and women. Society tells us the minute the baby is birthed we are to fall under a spell with the help of mythical fairy dust and love will permeate us and emanate for all the world to see. It just isn’t ALWAYS like that. It is so abrupt- how can anyone shift gears so fast?

I visited a friend in the hospital after she’d had her baby. I did all the requisite oohing and ahhhing, tried to calm her husband who looked like he’d endured a drive-by and sat down to “chat.” I asked her how she felt and she whispered, “It’s weird, I keep wondering who is going to come and get this baby and then I remember the baby is mine … forever.” I chuckled a little and told her she didn’t have to whisper- it’s OK not to grasp the reality that your reality has changed completely and yes, forever. As I visited them over the course of a few days, I noticed the sniping going on between she and her husband stemmed from a lack of communication. It seemed they were both reluctant to admit they had no idea what THE HELL THEY WERE DOING! There was a lot of “You read the books!” and “Was I alone in class?” Instead of supporting one another in this trying time- they were angry and felt unsupported.

I thought of this a lot in formulating my response. As women, we are taught becoming a mother is the most natural thing in the world- so we cling to this idea as an articulation of our worth as a woman. So, when the baby appears and we HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL WE ARE DOING, it translates to worry, fear, tension, anger and impatience. We want someone to help us, but we are afraid to ask for it, we need answers but that would be admitting we aren’t capable of “the most natural thing in the world,” we are lonely, but don’t want to admit it because our baby is here and that should be “all we need.” We are sad, but since we don’t know why, talking about it is embarrassing and after all, our baby is here and that is “all we need.” We are afraid- of everything including that we waited too long to have children and now we might not see our grandchildren grow, of war, crime, famine, disease, germs, serial killers, kidnappers, pedophiles, accidentally hurting our child and especially someone else hurting our child. We are afraid of things which may have NEVER entered our minds before and the realization they will NEVER leave is daunting.

I would ask all women to recognize they did get a jump on the process by carrying a child. Women have more time to get used to the concept of becoming a parent. They’ve grown and changed slowly- at a comfortable rate (Daddies don’t get to do that- it really is like a drive-by. They witness something horrible- terrifying and their lives are forever changed), women have had time to BECOME. Let’s not be so quick to lose our tempers- unless your husband (or significant other) has rejected the idea of children and is intent upon redefining things (then kick his ass, unless you knew this was a possibility before you married him in which case- NOT CLEVER).

Undoubtedly, Clever to Clueless, you are simply experiencing the discomfort of creating a new paradigm- one in which you are not Clever- yet. The adjustment phase for new parents is long (a year- easily)- patience and communication are critical. I know it’s hard to be unyielding in support for someone who finds fault in everything you do- but she is trying to find her way as well. She is likely upset because you are working (suddenly it’s too much), she is exhausted and overwhelmed, she might be battling some depression but be embarrassed to speak to you about it, it seems to her she has NO help- because there isn’t enough help when it comes to an infant (remember the saying- It takes a village? It does), she is worried (because it is her new way of life), she is already fearful she might never regain her figure (the one you were wild about), she is stressed she has no desire for intimacy, she can think of nothing other than how to get food into her child’s body and wonders why you require so much freaking attention and care- YOU ARE AN ADULT FOR GOODNESS SAKES.

My advice to you is this: Do your very best to be there, do not compound her worries by being needy of food and clean laundry or attention (she still loves you and her love will grow ever deeper if you rise to the occasion during this confusing time in her life), manage what you can and let her manage what she insists on managing, love her, compliment her sincerely (don’t tell her she is beautiful all the time because she likely doesn’t feel beautiful- she feels unclean, so give her a chance to bathe daily), hold her, hold the baby, talk to her, ask her how she is feeling, inquire about her emotional health, be the legs if she cannot (post c-section mobility is limited), take paternity leave from work if you are permitted and do not argue.

If your wife is pregnant- here are some things you should discuss prior to the drive-by, I mean the due date: Her feelings about breast feeding and how you will both handle it if she is unable, how you both will feel if she is unable to have a natural birth due to complications, whether you will be able to take time off work and, if so, what your responsibilities will be (keeping in mind- no one can prepare for a child- not completely), what aspects of everyday life will be a thorn in her side and learn to manage those tasks (laundry, dishes, cooking, taking care of the dirty bottles, thank you notes). When she will go back to work or if she is going to at all and how you will manage if she changes her mind once the baby is born.

Here are some things you won’t necessarily know to discuss: When you walk in the door from a long day at work- expect a hand off. She will likely need to eat, urinate, cry and take a nap. She will have no sympathy you’ve had a long day at work- because she has been “working” too. Tell her to take a little nap, or go to the grocery store (the new exciting outing for her) or just take a drive or walk. Who is going to be the expert on all things baby (her) and who is going to accept that (you)?

Hang in there- you are soon to be Clever once again. Do you know how I know? You care. You’d be surprised how many don’t.

Ok, Clever Tribe- I am combining our gift giving tomorrow into Clever UNI-SEXY options! Wednesday I will resume the wedding planning tips for Clever Girls and on Thursday, wedding planning survival for Clever Guys. Friday, you can count on discussing basketball (I know, heavy sigh for me too- haha)- but again, count on a recipe to cushion the blow.

Beer, Pizza and Football. It's Looking to be a Great Day

Ok, Clever Girls- it's game day and what a game today holds! Alabama takes on LSU- two powerhouse SEC (southeastern conference) teams go head to head. But it gets even better! The winner of this game will likely face Florida in the conference championship game. But! There is so much more drama at play here.

You see, Nick Saban, Alabama’s coach- used to be the coach of LSU (Louisiana State University)- where he lead them to two Championships in 2001 and 2003 and then at the end of the 2004 season, left them to try his hand in the NFL. I am sure the LSU fans were happy to see a lack luster performance for Saban’s Dolphins. There are some other people rooting for Saban and Alabama to fail- the Michigan State Spartans fans who were left by Saban- unceremoniously when he accepted a job with LSU right before the Spartans were to take on FSU in the Citrus Bowl.

It would seem to me, Saban’s conduct is consistent with the “hired gun” mentality in college football coaching. Few are the coaches who play out their careers with their college teams out of love and loyalty- no aspirations of NFL glory- just love of their team and the love of college football.

The Heisman race is boiling over!

Tim Tebow (Florida) is still looking good to pull an “Archie” (Archie Griffin is the only two time winner of the Heisman 1974 & 1975). The Gators are still undeafeated and I don’t imagine Vanderbuilt is going to provide much in the way of a challenge today.

Sam Bradford’s chances of an “Archie” were put to bed early in the season by injury- and it would have been a true “Archie” (back to back wins)

Colt McCoy continues to put up some big numbers with one of the most prolific offenses in the game. I see Colt hanging at least a half a hundred on Central Florida today.

Today is a BIG day for Mark Ingram, ‘Bama’s sophomore running back- a win today would elevate his Heisman cred. I have a vested interest here, Mark is from my home town and we sure do need some good news in Michigan!

Of course, I am looking for Penn State to whip up on Ohio State (sorry, E). I’m happy with the Yankees win. Hockey is getting good- look forward to me unfurling all the hockey particulars- soon. We have plenty of time, this is a long season and I am still trying to break you into the NBA (it’s as painful for me as it is for you).

Now, I want to offer a last minute gift idea for the Clever Guy who has everything. If he is as crazy about college football as I am- a great gift would be to attend the Heisman Award Ceremony in NYC. It is on Monday, December 14th, which might pose vacation related problems- but it is such an honor! Check out www.heisman.com for tickets and information. They are pricey- I call it priceless. Especially if your Clever Guy is a Gator fan or a Texas fan- it’s a great bet Tebow and Colt will be in attendance. At the VIP cocktail area- you get the opportunity to mingling with former Heisman winners!!!! Oh, and since the tickets are so pricey- you could offer to allow him to go alone and spend your equivalent amount on Fifth Avenue.

OK- now for your game day pizza

I like to use just a little bit of water with my tomato paste- add a bit of garlic powder, oregano and cayenne pepper. Heat to warm.

I brown my Italian sausage and drain it completely.

I broil the orange, red and yellow peppers along with my sliced onion until they are soft and a bit charred. I then chop them up small.

Olives are sliced thin.

Mushrooms (fresh only) are sliced thin- raw.

Now, the reason everything is cooked (except the mushrooms) prior to being put on the pizza is so the moisture associated with cooking meat and vegetables doesn’t end up being soaked into the crust.

So, put your sauce on- a nice even layer- careful at the center- this is the area which is hardest to cook- it should be the thinnest here.

Then a nice layer of mozzarella cheese.

Add your veggies and meat. I put the mushrooms on the top because they need to be exposed to the heat to cook down.

Pop it in the oven at the appropriate temperature as indicated on the packaging and cook at least 10 minutes- depending on how crisp you like your crust.

ENJOY!

OK- on Monday I plan to continue my wedding planning series. Tuesday are more Clever Gifts for Clever Guys, Wednesday will cover a few more Clever Gifts for Clever Girls, Thursday will be another installment for Clever Guys to help them not get kicked in the gut during the wedding planning process. Can't wait!

The Next Non-Clever Person to Say, "I Told You So" Gets Slapped

What is the very last thing you want to hear when you’ve made a mistake you were cautioned against? You guessed it, “I told you so.” So, why do we say it at all? If we don’t like to hear it- why are we compelled to say it? It is right up there with saying- no pun intended or pun intended- it’s implied. When you say “no pun intended” you are basically telling me how Clever you are and that you think I am too stupid to recognize said pun. When you say “pun intended” you are again saying how Clever you are and how afraid you are I might not realize how Clever you are.

I don’t say “I told you so” to people I don’t like so why would I ever say it to someone I do like? It is disdainful, and Clever Girls are far above such behavior. If we truly love someone- friend, boyfriend, sister- isn’t it better to take the high road and say- “Hey, you never know until you try” or better yet, nothing. An honest smile of sympathy or empathy is all a loved one really needs to allay the fear the freaking “I told you so” is coming.

Let’s say you told your boyfriend to salt the front walk and he neglects to do so- two hours later, he heads out to get the mail and busts his ass. Is an “I told you so” really necessary? I personally would be so busy castigating myself for not being at the ready with a video camera, I wouldn’t have time to rub his nose in it. Actually, I would probably worry he was hurt- rush to his side and when I learned he was more embarrassed than anything, I’d smirk a bit- assured my request was the last thing to pass through his mind before he nearly brained himself on the steps. Ha! Watching people trip is truly one of the great joys in my life (as long as no one is hurt).

Now, if you warned him to salt the walk and a little trick-or-treater does a header, make sure the attorney who calls knows you “told him so”. Totally kidding. No. I’m. Not.

When THE mistake is made- I liken it to being a hockey goalie. You make the mistake and a red light goes on over your head and sixteen thousand people are pissed off at you. We are all that embarrassed when we make that cautioned against error- don’t be one of those people who HAVE to make you feel worse than you already do.

Ok, Clever Tribe- irregardless is not a word- it doesn’t even make sense. Regardless is what you really mean- so please say it. It means without regard for. So, if you use irregardless- which isn’t a word- you are saying- without, without regard. Reminds me of the movie “Mickey Blue Eyes” when Jeanne Tripplehorn's character tells Hugh Grant's character the name of her father’s restaurant- The La Trattoria. Funny stuff.

When I hear people say impordant instead of important it makes my teeth itch and let me tell you- it’s more common than you think. I hear it on the news often and the broadcasters have been schooled in speaking (theoretically)- so don’t feel bad, just PLEASE annunciate.

I can’t believe I have to say this, and you don’t have to tell me it’s in the dictionary- I understand that. However, if you must use ain’t- don’t do it if you are having tea with the Queen- it simply isn’t accepted in a formal setting.

Now, mortified is easily one of the most widely misused words in the history of the English language and there is good reason for it. Mortified means intense embarrassment or shame- even humiliation. Despite the extended meaning- to subdue (rarely used), it never means terrified or fearful. The root “mort”- death is what leads people to associate it with fear or terror or even death.

I’m not going to attack colloquialisms because I find most of them charming, but leaving the G off of words is not colloquial- it’s lazy. I’m goin’ to the store and gettin’ some beer so we can do some drinkin’. Now, while I appreciate you running to the store to get some beer so I can drink it- I ask only you not forget to pick up three Gs when you are there and apply them directly.

As annoying as the forgotten G is- the ignored H is equally nauseating. I just have to say this at the risk of pissing off the natives- Houston is spelled with an H, the H is not silent- nor is it silent in humor. As a matter of fact, I can think of few H words, which are silent in the English language. Think- hour. A man named Howard is not pronounced- Oward- right?

As long as you are here, I might as well just say it- platitudes, any hackneyed saying and clichés make me crazy. Why? Well, because they no longer hold meaning- further, if you ask someone, “what does that mean?” they will fumble. These utterances, and they are little more than that, are in the vein of “um,” “uh,” “I mean,” “you know” and “like”- are fillers. When you can’t think of anything to say- you insert one of the above. “Hey, grass is always greener,” “Strike while the iron is hot.” Oh, and my favorite of all “Take care”- again, what better way to say I am lazy and I could care less about you?

Here is a tip- PREGNANT PAUSE. What is this you might ask? It is a purposeful pause, while speaking, to give your mind time to catch up to your mouth. It is a moment to generate a thought, so you don’t have to say, “um,” “uh,” “so, anyway," “you know.” Try it- you’ll like it. Do not, however, take too long a pregnant pause- in person, someone might think you had an aneurism- over the phone they might think you dropped the call, and if you’ve ever listened to Dan Patrick (former ESPN SportsCenter host- ESPN radio- SI columnist- ultimate Clever Guy’s Guy) on the radio- you are convinced, at least ten times during his show- the station went black. A pregnant pause loses its appeal the longer it is- it’s supposed to be a thoughtful moment- not to mimic the onset of a coma.

The only time a cliché gets my attention is if it’s mangled or inadvertently combined with another- this will get a rise out of me on par with someone tripping. “She is dragging me up the wall”, “Too many cooks in the soup,” “If we hadn’t been drinking like wild dogs …” “It was raining like a banshee”- I’ll tell you- I am busting out laughing right now- by myself. The only appropriate response in this situation is to ask, “What does that mean?”- through your laughter, of course.

I try never to correct people in front of others, but if I get the feeling they misuse a word each time they use it- I will call it to their attention gently- during the board meeting- kidding. Clever girls don’t MORTIFY others. Nor, do they mortify themselves, which is why I had to call in the Cleverest Grammar Girl of all, Alisa- to double and triple check my use of quotation marks and italics. She really is So Very Clever.

A Very Clever Guy kept calling me pretty, and because he is exceedingly intelligent, well read, and has an excellent command of the language, I challenged him to find a more compelling adjective. He said, “Look it up in the Oxford English Dictionary, pretty.” So I did- in the bathroom- while he was ordering a drink. When I returned, I was beaming. Originally, before it was derogated with all the other words that are used for women, pretty meant CLEVER, cunning, admirable. So, the next time someone calls you pretty- say “thank you!” and know they really meant- CLEVER.

It’s game day tomorrow and I am craving homemade pizza. So, here is your shopping list:

What you need:

Kabuli Crust- I prefer the whole wheat. If they do not carry Kabuli in your area- Boboli is similar

2 small cans of tomato paste- I like the Contadina with the Italian herbs

These are the toppings I like to use-

Sweet onion, red, yellow or orange peppers, mushrooms, green olives and hot Italian sausage

Obviously you can use whatever toppings you prefer.

Reduced fat mozzarella cheese

I will issue forth the instructions tomorrow- they are not as easy as you might think. Many a soggy pizza has been made and gone uneaten. I know what you are thinking- even bad pizza is better than no pizza at all- WRONG. If you can do it right, why wouldn’t you?

It's Just a Ring ... Right? WRONG

After years of hit-or-miss dating, you have found her. The One. If you thought getting here was hard … what comes next will often make you consider voluntarily committing yourself to the nearest psychiatric ward. I can help you ward off homicidal impulses, binge drinking and the urge to run far and fast. The first step is to listen because this will be one of the few times in your life when the term “pulling the trigger” will have myriad implications. It's called planning a "wedding". Mmm Hmm. Sounds festive- right? WRONG.

Behold the circle, a symbol of endless, continual renewal, represented for thousands of years in the presentation from one to another of a ring, a durable reminder of promises made, a token of spiritual and in some cases quite considerable monetary value, and further, a perfect, lifelong statement of devotion and fidelity. No pressure there, eh?

Men who choose to go this alone and focus on the particulars they believe matter to and will impress their betrothed invariably select the wrong ring. When it comes to the final selection, it would behoove you to ask your intended’s mother, sister or best friend for input. Not only does this ingratiate you with them, it can save you from the inevitable upgrade to the ring she really wanted, five to ten years down the road. Frankly, most women have spent as much time thinking about the “perfect” ring as they have the “perfect” man. If they have- their best friend knows.

Take note of the jewelry she already wears. If a majority of the pieces are, for example, yellow gold, you should consider options crafted from the same metal lest you commit yourself to a complete overhaul of her “collection,” many pieces of which may have been purchased for her by men that came before you. On second thought …

White gold and platinum look the same- though platinum is stronger and costs a great deal more. Some women do have a preference and if she doesn’t, you dodged a bullet- go with the white gold. If she talks to a woman about a ring in front of you and asks the women whether the setting is platinum or white gold- it means she likes platinum. Women who don’t prefer it, don’t care.

Ah, size. We’ve been lying to you all along. Yes, it matters- in this case, at least.

Diamonds are judged based largely on the Four Cs. Carat, Cut, Color and Clarity. To most women this is likely the most critical- carat is the measurement of weight of a stone. The larger a stone is, the more it weighs, the more carats it is. There is always a “center” stone and that is what every one wants to know the carat of- total carat weight matters not.

By doing your research, you can provide yourself more options, one of which is to select a larger stone that is slightly flawed. Many women prefer this, so long as the defect is not visible to the naked eye. This has to do with the clarity of the diamond. When are diamond is forming- minerals can get trapped inside and create what are called inclusions. These range from very, very slight (higher value) to totally visible (might as well buy glass for the same price).

Equally important is Color- or lack of color to be more specific. Unless your future wife has expressed an interest in colored stones, do not attempt to go larger if the trade-off is anything but bright, crystal clarity. You’d be surprised how much color can be present and not visible- not every woman requires D-colorless.

Cut and shape should also be considered and are not the same. Shape refers to the over-all shape of the stone. Popular shapes are square (princess), emerald, round, marquis, and pear. The cut is different and refers to the etching of the bottom of the diamond and involves how the light will radiate from the ring. A radiant cut throws the most fire- or is the most brilliant to look at, but some women prefer a more sedate emerald cut- visible bars cut into the bottom.

If you are going to forgo the acquisition of a new ring, be certain she will appreciate and love Granny Eunice’s ring before you offer it up. Many women would love this gesture, but most would rather have their own choice. Do this discretely to avoid hurt feelings in your family when the heirloom “disappears” and is promptly replaced with a two-carat cushion cut in platinum by Naomi.

Since diamonds are forever, this will be one of the standards by which you shall always be judged so hit the cover off the ball. Clever Guys do their research. Go online and visit sites such as diamonds.com. Meet with a trusted jeweler. Lastly, do not rule out buying a diamond wholesale and having a setting made. Listen carefully, because even though jeweler’s terms mean nothing to you, she and all of her friends will know.

You would be doing yourself an immense favor to let the excitement die down and then talk to her rationally about the ring. Let her know how much you want her to love it and that your feelings will NOT be hurt if she wants a different ring. Be honest with her about budget, and if it is critical to her to upgrade, a Clever Girl would offer to contribute. Honestly, if you cannot communicate openly and honestly about money now- you probably should reconsider getting married until you can. Imagine if she bought you the car you were supposed to drive for the rest of your life- obviously you’d want some input?

While Clever Girls know a ring is just part of the tradition of the marital process

(and not a commentary on his love), if you have elected to follow such traditions, she

should have a ring she loves. If, after a conversation about financial limitations, she neither offers to

contribute nor seems to be happy- drop kick her ass out- NOT CLEVER. OPPORTUNIST.

Hints for Soveryclever Gift Giving Guys

Ok, Clever Guys- I am sending out this warning- the next dude to give me a gift certificate might find it stapled to his forehead. What better way to say I am lazy and uninterested in you? So, to help you avoid this potentially devastating facial deformity, I'm about to not only take the guess work out of buying gifts for your Clever Girls- I am going to take the leg work out too. All these gifts are available ONLINE. Yipeee. You will notice there is no lingerie on this list or any other of my pre-Christmas lists- why? Because Clever Girls do not consider something you bought for yourself, under the guise of a gift, to be a genuine gift- sooooo, buy all the lingerie you want- but it does not quality, so you STILL have to buy gifts.

The Fashionista

She is not truly a fashionista without the following shoes- and this, is an investment. The more shoes she has, the less she wears them out. I have shoes I’ve had for a decade- I wear them a couple times a year and covet them- they live in their original boxes and the boxes are tucked away on shelves. She will need- Jimmy Choo, Chistian Louboutin, Manolo Blahnik (I am not a fan at all- but that is me. Be cautious- they make their traditional sling back in a shorter heel and a taller heel- do not be fooled- know which she would prefer. I find the 2.5 inch heel to feel like a house shoe, much happier with the 90mm heel), Gucci and Prada.

Keeping in mind- this is for the Fashionista- not all women are recognized or self-declared fashionistas. If she does not already own an item by one of the above designers- it means her interests lie elsewhere and a gift of a pair of these shoes would be tantamount to buying a Ferarri for someone who loves their Prius. No interest.

And do NOT- pick the sluttiest of the available shoes to go with the lingerie she doesn't really want to wear. Traditionally, these are classic designers, but Louboutin pushes the envelope and if she seems to enjoy a slip on mule or peek toe- do not go for the 4.5 inch platforms in red. Know her. It’s an honor to be known and she will delight in the gift of a shoe, which reflects her personality. I tend to wear some WILD shoes- they are and always have been my fashion weakness. I come from a long line of shoe whores. Know your Clever Girl.

My personal recommendation for the season is a classic Louboutin pump in black- peek toe or otherwise. This goes with everything and the noteworthy red bottom will really pop. www.neimanmarcus.com or www.saksfifthavenue.com.

Jimmy Choo has stores in major metropolitan cities or can be purchased on line at www.bergdorfgoodman.com www.saksfifthavenue.com or www.jimmychoo.com

Manolo is available at www.neimanmarcus.com or www.barneys.com or www.manoloblahnik.com

Gucci- my absolute fave- putting on a new pair of Gucci is a comfortable as slipping on an old pair. Yum. www.neimanmarcus.com www.gucci.com and Gasp, just found out there is a website called www.guccioutletmall.com. I don’t know that this is authentic Gucci, because they have sunglasses marked down to $43, from $99. I have never bought a pair of Gucci sunglasses under $300 or at NM outlet for under $130. This is highly problematic- for the fashionista- as soon as something is available to EVERYONE at discount prices, she might not covet it as much. Hmmm. Know your Clever Gucci Girl’s stance on outlets. I personally love discount prices at www.nmlastcall.com, but am not sure how I feel about an entire store devoted to off loading Gucci.

Ok, enough gifts for spoiled fashionistas. Now, let’s get practical! A couple important hints- make sure your gifts are appropriate. Do NOT buy jewelry for a woman unless you are in a relationship or want to be in one. If you don’t know the status of your “relationship”- be cautious, jewelry could send the wrong message or totally freak her out. Another tip- do not buy anything monogrammed with all her initials- this tells her you never plan to change her initials- which could be the exact message you are trying to send- but if it isn’t- proceed with caution and stick with the first initial only. Roberto Coin makes a lovely initial pendant necklace for about $415 and is available at www.neimanmarcus.com.

The Gadget Girl

If she looooves her iPod- don’t hesitate to scroll through, and then look up some of her favorite bands. See if there is new music out and “gift” the albums to her on iTunes. This is so much more personal than an iTunes gift certificate. See above potential hazard of purchasing a gift certificate. Oh, and an emailed gift certificate is even more insulting than one which comes in a card. The only possible, passable excuse for a gift certificate is a gift card from Neiman Marcus- but not for your significant other. If you had to go there to get it- you might have spent an extra four and a half seconds and done some shopping- geez.

Product Junkie

I am a HUGE fan of Bliss products, which I fell in LOVE with while staying at the W Hotels- which I freaking love. When your slogan is Whatever Whenever- you had better take it seriously- and they Do. For example- I called down to order breakfast at which point I was told they did not have Rye bread. I grumbled, pouted a bit (pouting is totally legal if you push that plump bottom lip out in a sexy pout) and was overjoyed to find Rye toast accompanying my egg whites with spinach. Think W- where ever or whenever you have to travel- oh and invite your Clever Girl along. Clever Girls LOOOVE Whatever, Whenever.

My very favorite bliss products are the Lemon Sage- light, airy and not cloying in the least. They also offer a ton of gift items at reasonable prices including the “steal of the week”. Anti-aging, footwear (for sleeping to rejuvenate dry and cracked heels), skin care and bath products- YUMMM. www.blissworld.com They offer 20% off on line orders and you can also pick up some of the products at Neiman Marcus.

Clever in the Kitchen

If your Clever Girl has her own space- she might enjoy a single cup of coffee prepared to perfection as she dashes off to work. Try Keurig.com for some fabulous professional grade items at consumer prices or find them at Walmart. Other brands to boast the one cup brewers are- Bunn and Dolce Gusto, both of which are available at www.coffeewiz.com.

Casual Clever Girl

This Clever Girl likes to be comfy cozy- feel good and look good. There are some great brands out there which provide all the above. I love the Three Dots line available at www.nordstrom.com. Soft, inexpensive and durable. What more could you ask for? Shirts, dresses, leggings, sweaters, tank tops and t-shirts. Perfect for layering, for indoor or outdoor. She will love this brand.

Curve Conscious Clever Girl

For the Clever Girl who likes to keep moving- I am in LOVE with the Breathe Yoga mat, designed by two gentlemen who confronted continual mat vs. towel issues during their Bikram Yoga practice. Any Bikram or Sunstone yoga practitioner knows the woes. So, this mat, even has a rabbit flap for rabbit pose. It’s simply perfect as it is waterproof, washer and dryer safe and under $100. You can purchase it on line at www.breathemat.com. Your yoga girl will be very impressed!

Ok, Clever Guys- that’s it for this week. I hope I have given you some ideas for your Clever Girls. More next Wednesday if I still have not inspired you. Tomorrow tune in for some Clever ideas for avoiding that engagement ring upgrade in five years when she finally gains the confidence to tell you she hates her ring.

Rock Star Status for the Perfect Gift for Your Guy- Priceless

Ok, Clever Girls- here is the second installment of gift ideas for your Clever Guys. Traditionally, women are better gift buyers than men- but they tend to have an advantage- they like to shop. So, do some research, know your guys and put some thought into finding the perfect gifts.

The Adventurer

While this is a really expensive gift- it might also be a once in a life-time opportunity for most men and will be cherished. At the Bondurant High Performance Driving School in Phoenix, AZ- your guy will get two to three days of drive time with certified instructors. Almost eighty perfect of the time he spends at Bondurant will be spent behind the wheel taking cues from some of the top high performance driving professionals in the country. The school runs five days a week year round, so you are able to plan ahead and save for such a luxury. This course will run you $1700 to $3500 depending on the length of the class.

If your dude is a really crappy driver, this is money well spent for two reasons, the most important of which is that you are paying someone else to confirm this fact and he might actually learn something. This way you will not fear for your life each time he takes the wheel.

If he already has a Porsche, Ferrari or BMW, these carmakers have courses, which teach you how to drive their cars to optimize your experience. This is a more tailored approach and he will be bragging about you to the guys until you trump it with pilot’s training.

The Homebody

Enhancing this guys surroundings are so easy with Lawrence Essentials, a modern design company known for their unique craftsmanship in resin. Vases, gorgeous serving pieces, furniture and outrageous sinks. You can order on line at www.lawrenceessentials.com where you must register and download a catalogue and pricing. Or, more conveniently at www.materialpossessions.com.

Ross Vintage Poster Gallery is a trove for wall art in myriad sizes and styles. This is the type of adornment, which gets a lot of attention for it’s nostalgic feel and classic chic. The interests of virtually every man can be captured here- war and military, food and alcohol, chocolate and sports. Prices range from $200 to $6,000 and the will need to be mounted and framed. Call a local art gallery for mounting www.postergroup.com.

Clever Kitchen Guy

Love, love, love this- professional martini maker by Waring Pro. Perfect shaken or stirred martinis every time. www.waringproducts.com available for about $45.00 or on www.selectappliance.com. Pretty soon I will be unveiling the recipe for James Bond’s favorite martini- this will impress him whether he is a fan of Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Pierce or Daniel Craig.

The Sportsman

I have found a gun I must have and it won’t be long. The Beretta Neos Inox 22 is an ideal target shooting gun- with a long barrel for superior accuracy. No man will consider this a defense weapon for the home or otherwise as there is no stopping power- it is a “for fun” gun only. Despite it’s unique two tone silver and black finish, it comes in at a shockingly low price point under $400.00. A small price to pay for your Rock Star status among the guys for this Clever Gift.

If he doesn’t normally target shoot- do some research in your area and find one with an indoor or outdoor range. I prefer outdoor due to the noise reduction and remember- do not invite yourself to go.

If he already owns a Berretta gun, Beretta offers some fabulous gift items for the gun enthusiast. I especially like the laser gun grip for their handguns. This will definitely get an intruder’s attention if the sound of the slide going back doesn’t bid them to make a hasty retreat. I also like the pool cue and the glassware. Check out www.beretta.com for a bevy of Clever gift ideas.

The Athlete

Nikeplus.com for runners is a personal motivational and coaching device. You can use a Nike Plus enabled device such as iPod or iPhone and the equipment measures your distance, pace, time and calories burned and even has a preset stimulating song for that extra burst of energy if your workout is lagging a bit. All this information is downloaded to your computer via a USB port and tracked over time. On line you can log in to set goals and connect with other members of the Nike Plus community. If you run without music, there is a wrist band option.

The Sport Enthusiast

There has never been a better time to procure season or half season tickets to your guy’s favorite sport and team. Due to diminished sales in many cities, several game packages can be purchased lower than you think. Make sure you buy two tickets for each game and do not assume you will be invited. If you absolutely do NOT want to go- make sure you already have plans on those nights- a good time to catch up with your girlfriends to unload all that girl talk you’ve been saving up.

The Fashion-Forward Dude Who has Stuff to Carry

Store.propertyof.com is THE location for bags. Your source for no-frills guy bags, backpacks, weekend bags, tote bags and workday bags. Property of bags are decidedly “casual male” and ideal for those who will expose their bags to the elements. There are many designers at work here, so expect a wide variety of materials and styles. I couldn’t think of one man who would be excluded unless he is exclusively a Prada, Gucci or Burberry guy.

Casual Fashions for the Upscale Male

Gucci carries a variety of baseball style hats in signature black and brown- with and without the Italian colored trim. www.neimanmarcus.com Prada has a huge selection of tennis shoes for the man who gets around down on two legs instead of four wheels. Sharp and classic but sporty options in a wide array of colors. www.neimanmarcus.com

The Grooming Guy

Jack Black has some of the most luxurious hair and skin care products on the market. For under $50.00 you can purchase a starter kit for your guy to sample. He won’t be disappointed. www.getjackblack.com. Some of the more unusual products offered are the Body Rehab Scrub and Muscle Soak in my favorite fragrance, eucalyptus. Yummmm. There is an entire line devoted to hydration during the winter months complete with lip balm and SPF. A full array of shaving products includes one made for those who prefer to use the electric razor. Jack Black is also available at Neiman Marcus or www.neimanmarcus.com.

Just wait until next week! Don’t forget you can email me at soveryclevergrl@gmail.com and put your email address in the body of your message and I will send you shopping invitations to gilt.com, ruelala.com and onekingslane.com where you can shop for deep discounts on some of the above items. Clever Girls DO NOT pay retail.

Pointless Left Hand Gestures Commence

The months between November and March are when the bulk of couples get engaged, so, what better time to begin offering Clever wedding planning tips to all my Clever Girls. Now, I have a different set of tips for my Clever Guys and they will be posted at another time and really amount more to how not to get your ass kicked during the wedding planning process.

You are engaged. Congratulations. I am assuming this is a good thing. If you are thinking about how to fake your death, you should probably not have said yes. It’s official, but what do you do if you don’t like the ring? Hmmm. Major problem. A lot of factors in play here- is it Auntie Gertrude’s ring- worn by every woman in his family for the first ten years of their marriage before being handed down? Is it yellow gold, which you abhor? Is it not the shape you have been longing for your entire life or worse of all worst- too small? I don’t think too many engagements are a complete surprise, nor do I think women should have unrealistic expectations regarding the amount of money to be spent on a ring. So …

Once he mentions marriage the first time- start “noticing” rings you like and those you don’t. This gives him a visual. Don’t make a scene over huge rings and put him on the spot- he will remember forever your reaction and always feel deficient when he can’t afford such a luxury. Do you really want the man you love enough to stand before god and family to proclaim your intentions to die before parting to feel like a heel? NO. If you don’t care- you are not Clever and you must cease reading this blog- for ever. Clever Girls are practical and reasonable. A Very Clever Girl friend of mine just got engaged and has a gorgeous ring- when people compliment her she says, “The ring is nothing compared to the man”. I can not think of a better response. This ring is a part of the process, which leads to marriage- nothing more.

Just a little history on the engagement ring- the original articulation of this ring was a sign of a woman’s sexual availability. Notice the man doesn’t wear an engagement ring, which theoretically mean his sexual availability changes only when he gets married. Interesting.

Decide what is important to you about a ring and compromise where you can to get what you want. If you don’t care whether it is platinum or white gold, make that known- the difference in price is immense. If you are less concerned about the quality or color of the diamond, you can certainly get a larger stone if that is more important to you. Below I have offered brief and general descriptions of the 4 C’s as they are called.

Cut- this is not the same as the shape of the diamond- this refers to how the diamond is cut on the bottom effecting the way it throws light. Radiant cut offers the most “fire”, or brilliance.

Clarity- diamonds are similar to fingerprints in that each one is different. During the growth of the diamond, minerals can be trapped inside and causes what is referred to as an inclusion. Diamonds are rated based on how the inclusions affect the clarity of the diamond. This is a major way you can up the size of your stone by selecting a lesser “clarity”- which is not noticeable to the naked eye.

Color- when shopping for a diamond, price is dictated by the absence of color. Most variations of color are also not visible to the naked eye and is a personal preference as to whether you would prefer a larger stone with a slight bit of color or not. Some women would prefer a one carat stone that is absolutely colorless- some would prefer a larger stone which is not colorless.

Carat- and now for the big one. Carat is determined by the weight of the stone. The larger a diamond is, the more it weighs, the more it costs. All factors above determine price, so do a little research and determine what is important to you about your stone.

If the ring is an heirloom and this is not what you saw coming- and it isn’t the style you prefer or like AT ALL- you have to act. There is no tactful way to get out of it once you are in it- so, ask ahead of time if his family has any traditions regarding rings. If he tells you he has the ring his great-grandmother wore, you could gently inquire as to the style and the ramifications of not wearing it.

If you have the means and it’s that important your diamond is D-colorless, let him know casually you’d be willing to contribute to a ring budget. I know it seems to take some of the romance out of the process, but so does the look on your face ever single time you slide that half carat set in gold on your finger. Unless you plan to accept with love and appreciation any ring he offers you- you’d best be Clever and specific.

One Clever Girl I know, had her heart set on the perfect diamond, so she saved for it and purchased it. When her boyfriend told her best friend he needed help looking at rings, she snagged the diamond and helped him get it set. He was shocked she already had a stone (read- relieved) and was thankful to her best friend for the guidance having it set. Everyone was very happy, especially my friend who received a complementary pair of earrings.

I would pick a ring I really didn’t like and say something like, “He obviously didn’t consult her best friend before that purchase- I overheard her say it isn’t what she’d have wanted if given a choice”. Don’t say it snidely- Clever Girls are not ugly or petty. This alerts him to the fact this is a great idea- he will think he thought of it himself. Make sure you insert the right person to guide him- your mother, sister or best friend. Again, be specific with them.

Now that the ring issue is resolved- get cracking on all those pointless left hand gestures. Next time we will talk about the next issue- setting the date. Sounds easy right? Oh no …

Clever Guys- check in on Thursday for a few tips regarding the ring.