Why Didn't He Call? He's NOT Interested.

I continually get e-mails from men and women about physical interaction on dates. How much is too much and when is too soon? I refer them to one of the first "So Very Clever" posts, but decided it might be time to rerun it for those of you have recently become So Very Clever.

For those of you who are new- So Very Clever is not and never will be a place to get "advice"- I am not "Dear Abby" or anyone else. Being So Very Clever is a decision and it doesn't just happen- you have to work at it. You will find information here- never judgement, never finger pointing- just support and guidance.

It may seem at times I'm being judgmental, but I'm not (unless you're a bad parent- by that I mean you endanger your children emotionally, mentally or physically, in which case I hope they keep the coals hot in that special place in hell reserved for you). I am merely giving you a different perspective.

In the case of date physicality- this goes back to common sense. Yet, in overhearing women and men speak about their dates … it would seem common sense doesn’t exist anymore.

What needs to be a central component of a date is authenticity. Now, I am sure some of you are thinking- what is so authentic about "pretending" to like cars or football? Nothing, and thank you for bringing that up. The Clever Girl articulation is to explore the male realm in order to intersect with some aspects you ARE interested in. Trying and failing, trying and abhorring, trying and liking can all lead to charming conversation and can deepen interactions on a date.

Let’s say you, under my advice, go to a Scotch tasting. I am not assuming you will fall in love with the gorgeous amber liquid some find the pinnacle of imbibing- but it will be a new experience. You will, like it or not, learn something. Clever Girls listen and convert information into meaningful conversations. Let’s say you determined you abhor Scotch and actually puked it up once- delicately and under the radar, of course. You still learned the difference between a blended Scotch and a single malt and whether you liked it or not and have a funny story to share with your male companion (father, brother or boss).

OK- to get back to my original point- let’s say two people meet for a drink as part of a fix-up. This leads to dinner and a nightcap. It is clear neither of them want to be anywhere else than where they are now. The evening is ending with him- a dashing gentleman walking her to her car. To address my reader’s question, this is where it gets sticky.

I personally would conclude this encounter on a high, sober and exciting note. There is no reason to kiss- after all, they barely know one another. Just because he bought dinner and drinks (if he did), she does not OWE him physical contact at all. A Clever Girl never feels OBLIGATED to compensate a man with her body- she always offers to pay her fair share, or, when he is in the bathroom, pays the bill for the drinks or dinner.

This is a good opportunity to give him your number, or, if you’re not comfortable, tell him to "friend request" you on Facebook (if you are not on Facebook- get on Facebook. If he is not on Facebook- he will get on Facebook if he’s interested).

A more traditional girl would await contact from him- but if you are bold, there is nothing stopping you from sending him a message (whatever medium has been established), thanking him for his time, the witty conversation, oh, and dinner. Do not ask him to call. If he doesn’t walk through this open door by returning the correspondence- consider it a shut door and appreciate the opportunity to have practiced your new conversational skills. There is no truer indication of a man’s interest than his making contact.

Now, what if there is a palpable attraction and you want to kiss him at the end of the evening. Go for it! A Clever Girl makes sober and educated decisions. I personally would not let it go any further than a really intriguing kiss, but each woman must make that choice for herself. A great kiss can be followed up with, "I really look forward to doing that again when I see you next." This lets him know you’d like to, but that you have reached your comfort level on the physical.

You only have to answer to yourself when it comes to how much of yourself you share on a first date, a second or an eighth. This is where common sense comes in. Move at your own pace. Be true to yourself. Don’t play games. If you want to have sex with a man on the first date- just know he will be left with the assumption you do that on every first date. You might get a subsequent date, but chances are, without a deeper connection, this interaction will have been arrested.

Begin with an end in mind, if that makes sense to you. If you are interested in a casual fling- indulge, but do so without expectations. If you are looking for a one-night stand- now would be a great time to get to it. If you can see yourself on several dates with this person- save some for later. At the end of the date- it comes down to self-respect. You are not commerce. You are never obligated to share more of your body than you are comfortable sharing. If you do tap the brakes and don’t hear from him again, it’s a pretty good indication of his intentions. If you dive in bed with him, and don’t hear from him again, another good indication of his intentions.

Move through the physical aspect of dating at your own pace. If he’s interested, he will make contact with you. It’s really that easy. I can not stress this enough- if he is not interested, he will NOT make contact. The "I lost your e-mail address" or "Couldn’t remember your last name” routine is stale. If he really wants to see you again, he will find you. How do I know? He will have to have remembered SOMETHING you said on your date, especially if you were Clever.

If you MUST contact him after a few days- do so with an innocuous message- "Thank you so much for meeting me- it was a pleasure." Do NOT ask him to call, do not contact him again. It gives me a rash when I hear women RASHionalize why the guy hasn’t called. "Oh, he’s out of the country" or "He’s really busy at work." Believe you me- if he is piqued, interested or even stirred by you- he will respond.