Be Careful What You Snoop For- You Might Find It

There is no way to stifle my anger over a situation a friend just told me about. He is happily married and has been for six years. They have two beautiful children together. About four years ago, his wife cracked his Yahoo account and found a bunch of e-mails to and from an ex-girlfriend. The e-mails were all dated prior to him meeting his wife and there were none dated after meeting his wife. This was not a woman he’d kept secret from his wife.

She read every single e-mail in the file. She was absolutely furious he still had the e-mails (along with tons of other e-mails to and from siblings and other family members). Since this incident, she is jealous and possessive, suspicious of him and any women he is in contact with. It’s a beating for him on a regular basis. It’s put a major strain on their relationship.

When asked why he kept them, he told her they marked a significant period of his life- not so much in importance but in time spent. I know him very well and have for 20 years- and I know he’s rather concerned with documentation of his life. He used to journal and tends to keep records of his life. She made him delete all of the e-mails and warned him about the consequences of him ever being in contact with the "other woman" again. Really?

Now, I’m about to get ugly and graphic so prepare. What just happened recently is that she was going through some boxes in the attic- not sure why she went through "his" stuff- and she found a journal. It chronicled his first love and the intimate details of their, uh, activity. She sat down in the attic and read every word. WTF?

Then she confronted him when he got home from a loooong day of work. They argued about who knows what, and now this lovely time in his life (HIS life, not their life together) has been exposed. This was essentially a diary, HIS diary, and not only did she go through his e-mails and his boxes of stuff, but she picked up something that said "journal" on the front and read it cover to cover.

Where do I start? Or do I need to start? If you are reading this blog, you are So Very Clever and productive and frankly wouldn’t bother taking the time to go through your husband’s boxes of crap.

So Very Clever women do not snoop. If you believe your husband is not being faithful, ask him. This of the man you married- is he a man you believe would be unfaithful? If so, you made a bad decision. If the answer is no- you have to give him the benefit of the doubt. If you have stumbled onto some irrefutable information- someone sent you a photo of him dining intimately with another woman- you have two decisions. Confront him with the evidence or don’t. If you do, you need to be prepared for two outcomes- him to apologize and ask for forgiveness or tell you he is in love with someone else. Then you have more decisions to make.

So Very Clever women don’t marry men they secretly fear will cheat on them. If they marry the man of their dreams, but circumstances in their past cause nagging fears, they seek counseling to identify the fears and figure out a way NOT to punish their husband over the sins of others. If a situation arises in the marriage, where the man does stray, ask him WHY?

I know what you're thinking- why would you ask why? Because guess what? It matters why. For example, I hear from men all of the time how they end up developing significant "work relationships" with women. OK- here we go. Why? Because their wives don’t work and in many instances, not only don’t they work, but they have full-time nannies, so they spend their days doing whatever they want and suddenly the husband and wife have very little to talk about. So, they enjoy the work conversations and connections and, frankly, a little flirting takes the sting out of having to work their ass off for 12 hours a day while their wives lunch and run errands. I have a suggestion for women you might know who don’t work or take care of their children all day and manage a home: Maybe if you engage your mind you might not have time to sit around and obsess about what your husband is doing.

Maybe if you got a job, took some classes, learned to cook, donated your time to a worthy cause or volunteered at church, he might find you more interesting than the women at work. This goes double for women who do stay at home with the kids. I’m suggesting you still wear a bit of make-up if you used to, keep yourself tidy and make an effort to speak to your husband about something other than the children- remember, you were a couple first.

Another good reason to ask "why" is because the answer might be something to which you contributed. Perhaps he’d shared with you a sexual desire and you refused to consider it. Perhaps he’d let you know for years he’d like you to lose weight and you failed to try. Perhaps he just really wanted to be with a woman who desired him and you don’t seem to anymore.

So much contributes to a man’s sexuality- feeling supported, validated, loved, desired, trusted, nurtured … men need to feel strong and virile, powerful and accomplished. If you are not supporting your husband by being informed and interested in how he makes a living- I can guarantee you he will find a woman who is.

So, what did my friend’s wife earn by going through her husband’s belongings and reading a private journal? The benefit of scenario playing out in her head in graphic detail until she dies. I happen to know his first love and know the wife has seen photos of her. First love wasn’t hideous. Serves the nosy wife right, I’d say.