Friday, July 16, 2010

"It's Not You it's Me" is Code for "It's You"

I received the following email last night and felt it needed to be addressed- mostly because it pissed me off.

Clever Girl- help. I’m afraid to break it off with my girl friend of seven months- she’s highly emotional and I don’t know what she’ll do. JD

Break ups are unpleasant- no doubt about it and depending on your emotional involvement, it could feel as if you are experiencing a death. Clever Girls exemplify dignity and self-respect and should exercise both in this situation. While this may be one of the most painful experiences of your life- save the psychotic break for the girls.

If your boyfriend calls you and says, “Listen, I’ve given this a lot of thought and I think we should take a break”- what he really means is “I want out. I don’t really have any intention of resuming our relationship, but I have learned pacifying you is the way to mitigate your emotional outbursts”. Let him know this is not what you want, but you understand his feelings.Wish him well and hang up the phone- or walk away from the meeting place. I am not against shedding a tear- from a theatrical point of view- it looks good, will stroke his ego for sure and it might just be an honest reaction. You could let him know you didn’t see this coming and you apologize for your tears it is simply a bit of a shock. Now, if for some reason, he really means “break”- he needs to be the one to come back. Clever Girls do not call. Do not leave messages.Do not beg.

No matter what “excuse” he gives you- what it translates to is- he wants out- so let him go.Why, oh why, would you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you? It doesn’t matter if he is accepting a job in a distant city and doesn’t want to manage a long distant relationship- begging him and reassuring him you can handle it is a bit degrading. If he says he met someone else- great. Fact of the matter is- if he is dumb enough to let go of a Clever Girl- he was never smart enough to keep one in the first place. Move on to more fertile ground, Clever. If he blames it on work- it means work means more to him- so let him work himself into an early grave- no longer your problem. If he tells you he feels you work too much and don’t have enough time for him- test him by committing to making more time for him- if he still seems to want to cut loose- he was lying and it’s time to give him the boot.

My all-time favorite is- “it’s not you it’s me”, which means, conversely- IT’S YOU. Know this- sometimes it’s easier for him to lie than tell you he doesn’t love you, doesn’t want to move forward with you, he loves someone else or he thinks you are lousy in bed- regardless of the reason, let him off the hook and get OVER it. Yes, it sucks- but so does being with someone who is having a relationship with someone else because they are afraid of the implications of ending it with you. If he says- “Listen, you seem to be more involved in this than I am and I feel it would be better for us to go our separate ways before someone gets hurt”, he is telling the truth and the truth is- he doesn’t want to be with you beyond the current status of your relationship, so, your interests are not aligned. Thank him for being honest and walk away.

You may think you have SOOOO much to discuss regarding the dissolution of what might be a long term relationship you assumed would end in marriage- but, the fact is- he has already worked through this. Uncoupling starts with a secret and his secret might be that he’s been uncoupling for a while and while it’s unfair- has reached his decision. Nothing you can say at this point will matter. You might guilt him into giving you another try- but why would you do that? If you love him, loved him or would like to see things work out- let him go. It is the most honest expression of your love.

Now, Clever Guys- if you are dating someone whose response to a break up you fear- congratulations on getting out while you can. If you anticipate her kicking your windshield out from the inside- slapping you in the face in public or lighting your house on fire- you’re probably involved with someone with a personality disorder and it’s never soon enough to leave the situation.

Ignore threats of suicide because they’re threats- stop being a victim of manipulation- this is probably one of the reasons you want out. If she does kill herself- know you were not the cause- there was something deeper and more relevant than your relationship. If she threatens to harm you or does harm you physically or in the form of vandalism- get a restraining order and make certain you take action- this will get her attention. Women who resort to such machinations are unstable to say the least- so, in providing strict boundaries for your break up- you might have a chance of stopping further abuse.

There is a responsibility in being Clever- Guys, you must accept break ups with the same dignity and respect you would appreciate. The same applies to you- why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Doesn’t matter how hot they are, how jealous all your friends are you were able to land her- how much your family adores her- all that really resonates here is she doesn’t want to be with you. So, accept it gracefully and strike out anew.

Oh and for the record- the statement “we need to talk” pisses guys off. It alerts them to potential conflict and makes them defensive- so cut the preamble and get to the point. All preamble is anyway is the opportunity to clue the other person in to what you are going to say to cushion the blow- it doesn’t work. All the … “you’re a really great guy …” “when we began this …” it all amounts to the same thing. “I want out”. Spit it out- be kind and firm.

From adversity springs opportunity and when one man walks away, another will appear. The same goes for women, Clever Guys so fret not.

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