What in the HELL are You Doing in There?

OK, Clever Girls- this does not apply to you- but I have to ask the question on every Clever Guy’s mind. What happens from the moment you (So Very NOT Clever ladies) close the car door until the time you are actually in motion, reversing out of a coveted parking space.

The reason we know these are not So Very Clever Girls is because there seems no consideration for others. Let me speculate, because that is simply all I can do in this situation.

The door shuts, one must find a place to put the far-too-large purse (also could be called a satchel). So Very Clever Girls already know EXACTLY where the purse of any size goes. They also know they need to pull out their phone efficiently and even plug it in if the battery is low.

Now, the not Clever version of this is- putting the purse down, placing the keys in the ignition- then realizing you need your phone. First, the attempt to fish it out while the purse is on the floor. Then, after no luck, the purse is hauled into the passenger’s seat- more fishing. Why isn’t the phone in the pocket where it ALWAYS is?

Once the phone is located- it must be checked for texts, all texts must be responded to- of course. Oh, and then we’ve missed a call? No matter, we can deal with that when we are on the road. So, let’s get this thing plugged in so we can listen to our favorite songs. Now, how is it we use this cord to access our iPod list? Oh, yeah- check. Got it. Not in the mood for John Meyer (EVER)- ah, a little Rhianna will create the mood. Mood? Oh my gosh, I need to see if I need lipstick. Sure enough, back into the satchel. Weird, my favorite lipstick is not in the cosmetic bag- oh, that’s right, I dropped it into my purse after using it last time. It’s got to be here somewhere. Hmmm. Oh, here it is- nope. Gosh, I really want that particular shade right now.

More texts coming in- better take care of those before I start driving …

I really think I have a handle on this. It’s smacking of reality as I sit, blocking a tres busy street in central Dallas, cars honking and pissed off at ME, because I am waiting on what I KNOW is the only freaking parking spot for miles around.

I’m not much for drinking in the middle of the day (OK, that is a complete lie) but I start fantasizing about pounding four beers during lunch as I become more and more parched and impatient. I must say- this routine makes me freaking crazy.

Here is a tip- you know you are heading to the car as you make your way out of the building you currently are in. You may or may not need car keys based on the functionality of your automobile- so, if you do, go ahead and fish them out during the walk. Since the least Clever people on earth are on the phone alllll the time, it should already be either a) in your hand or b) pressed to the side of your face – so there is NO reason, at any point for it to find it’s way into your oversized hand bag (what the freaking hell is in there by the way?) You know you are going to text at lights and stop signs and take calls- so let’s plan ahead, shall we?

I must tell you, if you do all of the above while you are in reverse with your foot on the brake you are an inconsiderate asshole, because it gives the illusion you are actually ever going to pull out (BTW, to the reader who keeps calling me judgmental- that is simply a statement of fact).

If you are So Very Clever- but see a bit of yourself in the above scenario- now is a good chance to make some changes so you are more consistent in your desire to be a considerate, compassionate, thoughtful, socially aware and kind person.

And no, I'm not in a bad mood. What in the world is there to be in a bad mood about? It’s football season! This oppressive heat might be coming to an end. "Consumed" (my first novel written with my best friend, Alisa) is in its second edit. I just spent some invaluable time with my family (they really are fantastic). I have friends who validate me. A woman told me today in the airport I was beautiful (which in some way refutes a comment by a reader three weeks ago that I am "not the least bit attractive") and it was nice to know people still bother to compliment.

Let’s all do it today. Compliment someone sincerely. Flattery is So Very Gross and disingenuous.