Top 10 Stupidest Things I've Overheard at an NHL Game

I have to start here to prevent you from becoming one of THESE PEOPLE. Keeping in mind, this list has been compiled over twenty years (read- I am old), BUT, that does not mean these are the only stupid things I’ve overheard- frankly, these are my favorites because of how many times I have heard them.

So, if I sit within earshot of you at a hockey game, and overhear you say anything on this list, I am going to pull from my far too large purse (it’s really more of a satchel) a t-shirt which reads: I am STUPID and do not deserve my hockey ticket.

The first thing you need to know about hockey is- if you don’t know, ask a question- do not assert- at least not out loud.

Part of the Clever articulation for men and women is to be curious, try new things, broaden your interest base. You do not have to read Hockey for Dumbasses before you go to a game, nor do you need a PhD in hockey so you can dazzle your companion with your dizzying knowledge. Ask the person who brought you to the game some questions, but those questions need to reach beyond what I am going to share with you here.

If, you are on a date with a man and he has brought you to a hockey game- I will arm you with enough information and enough information ONLY to inquire further. The point of being Clever is to engage with him- show your interest in him by being interested in the game.

Top Ten Stupidest Things I've Overheard at an NHL Game:

1) Nice stadium. It’s an arena folks. This is one reason I initially opposed expansion hockey teams or franchises in cities where it doesn’t snow. These are football regions and every thing “hockey” is perceived through a football lens.

2) How many quarters are there? None. Hockey is played in periods. There are three. Each period is 20 minutes long. Pay attention here, girls, just like football- triple the time on the clock to figure out how long until an intermission.

3) Oh, that’s in military time. No. It. Isn’t. The time clock in hockey counts down- so naturally, when it says 17:31, it does not mean it is 5:31pm (if it were this would indicate it was a weekend when games are played in the afternoon).

4) We missed the rules. If you come early enough, they explain the rules. No. They. Don’t. (As a sidebar, I need to know who “They” and “Everyone” are. I am tired of being the only person who doesn’t know who “they” are. If anyone knows either “they” or “everyone” please let me know- I’d like to speak with them). Some programs include general rules and terminology, but a Clever Girl would brush up before the game- by reading this blog or by going to NHL.com. Regardless of how much you learn, please do not dictate to your date (whether it is your father, brother, co-worker or friend- male or female). No one likes an undisputed authority who rubs your nose in it- and further, you just look pompous.

5) Oooh, it’s almost time for tip-off. No. It. Isn’t. We call it a face-off and it happens for the first time of each game at center ice. Please see next idiotic statement.

6) Right there, on the fifty yard line. It’s called center ice. This is not football. This. Is. Hockey.

7) Watch the puck, it has a blue flame that comes out of it so you can see it- I saw it on TV. Ok. I’ve had it. When Fox first won the contract to broadcast NHL games, they thought people who don’t watch hockey suddenly would. People who love hockey and watch hockey on TV, do not need the help of an animated blue steak to keep track of the puck. So, to recap. There is no actual blue flame, which emanates from the puck. Further, those who love to watch hockey live or on TV know a lot of great playing happens behind the puck.

8) It’s half time. Please refer to idiotic statement number 2. We call it intermission and it lasts for seventeen minutes unless otherwise noted.

9) C means Captain, A means Assistant. No. It. Doesn’t. A means alternate. In this regard, if the Captain is not on the ice, the privileges of the Captain extend to the alternate.

10) And here it is- my all-time favorite. SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY. This statement is the one, which magnifies both your idiocy and alerts those actual hockey fans within earshot to your neophyte status. Yes, hockey players tend to get into altercations occasionally, but fighting does not define the sport- as well evidenced by the general lack of physical play during the playoffs. You see, physical play can draw penalties and while it might be ok to be short handed (down at least one player) during the regular season (after all there are 84 or so games), each play in the playoffs is critical. So, some of the most gorgeous (do not read boring) hockey you will ever see is during the playoffs.

Don't disappoint me. Go to a game if you are afforded the opportunity. There are many other leagues which might have a team in your area. Or, you could attend a high school or college game. Keep in mind- idiotic statements from above are still idiotic regardless whether you are attending an NHL or high school game. Oh, and don’t assume high school, college and NHL games have the same timing, rules or guidelines for over-time and ties. This would not be very Clever. If you simply must show off- here is a delicate way to do so, “now, I know in an NHL game (insert vast wisdom here), how do they do it in high school?” This gives him or her and opportunity to showcase their knowledge as well- WIN WIN.

NHL- National Hockey League, NOT a New Hot Label

Ok, Clever Girls- it is time to explore what might be the most abhorred word in some lexicons- SPORTS. I am starting with hockey because it's OFFICIALLY hockey season and because when I awoke this morning at 4:44am, I was reminded of Kevin Hatcher, former NHL defenseman (his number was 4) and that brought to mind how sad I am his brother is now also retired, former Dallas Stars Captain, Derian Hatcher. This retirement somehow flew under the radar of many hockey fans- everyone seems to be so wrapped up in the "economy" we are not paying attention to what is REALLY important- family, friends and sports.

As I was saddened thinking of all my favorite players who are starting to retire or already retired (read- I am old)- Steve Yzerman, Guy Carbonneau, Phillippe Boucher, Kevin Hatcher, Keith Primeau, Bob Probert, Mario Lemeiux (pardon me, that one should have come first) and now Derian ... I remembered my favorites who were still shredding the ice- Brenden Morrow, Pavel Datsyuk, Niklas Lindstrom and Chris Pronger. I could go on, and on and on about the exciting things in store for current and future fans as this game continues to grow and evolve but I have pictures to show you.

I'm going to start you slow- by introducing you to some very HOT men. This should dispel the notion all hockey players look like toothless lumberjacks (except during the playoffs when they don't shave). Develop a crush- it helps when you are TRYING so hard to pay attention to the game when you are bursting with exciting news about your best friends, cousin's, sister's engagement (the ring, the budget, the dress!).

No one freak out about copyright infringement- I took the pictures, I own the pictures- no need to report me to anyone.

Say hello to the charming and handsome man who tends the net for the Dallas Stars. Marty Turco, #35 attended the University of Michigan, which in addition to his noteworthy performance, makes him one of my favorite goalies in the history of the world.

Jere Lehtinen, #26 on the Dallas Stars is a highly skilled veteran right winger. Originally from Finland, Jere has made Dallas home for over ten years and his contributions to the team are immense.

Trevor Daley is stylish indeed, but he is also quite a hockey player.

He is a defenseman to keep your eye on in coming years- the mark he’s made so far is impressive.

Fear not, though Stu Barnes retired from the Dallas Stars, he is still shaping the team as an assistant coach.

It is impossible for me to come to grips with the fact Phillippe Boucher is retired and no longer living in this country. The mere thought I might run into him- somewhere stateside was reason alone to get up in the morning.

Niklas Norstrom looks more Fortune 500 than NHL. This Swedish defenseman has called it quits after only TWO years with the Dallas Stars. He’d also played with the Kings and the Rangers and retired after an inspiring career.

Though my feathers were a bit ruffled when Dallas traded Kevin Hatcher for Sergei Zubov- it turned out to be a fabulous move for Dallas. This fiery, Russian defenseman is worth his weight.

Yes, this is a photo of Mike Modano. While it’s OK to have a crush on him, you are not distinguishing yourself from the considerable pack of woman nationwide who share your fondness. Further, every guy would expect THIS crush- it’s tantamount to having a crush on Tom Brady (New England Patriots- NFL) everyone has one.

Oh my gosh- this fun loving Canadian forward is as engaging off the ice as he is talented on. Mike Ribeiro's smile alone is crush worthy.

Count on Jeff Halpern being the “center” of attention no matter where he goes. Currently this handsome all-American man is gracing Tampa Bay with his adeptness on the ice. For those really smart Clever Girls, he graduated from Princeton so bring your big brain.

This right winger for the Toronto Maple Leafs is not someone you want to tangle with on the ice. Niklas and his father, Matti were the first Finnish father and son to play in the NHL.

Ladies- start your engines. Now tap your breaks a bit. Brenden Morrow, Captain of the Dallas Stars is indeed one of the prettiest faces in the NHL- but, his wife is every bit as gorgeous! He’s quickly become a common crush- a Clever Girl would want to differentiate herself from the herd.

Ok, now that I have given you PLENTY of eye candy- tomorrow we will get serious about the league, the divisions and maybe even the rules. Deep breaths, this won’t hurt a bit.

OH- and if you have a hard time denying a pretty face (insert Mario Lemieux), make sure you know everything about why he is such a great player worthy of your admiration. Mario is arguably (not up for debate in my book) the greatest player to ever grace the ice.

Private Joy

First of all I have an announcement to make- B has requested an area on the blog where suggestions can be made, questions asked etc … so, it is now bottom left- let me know how that works out.

OK- one of my best friends has requested a Grandfather Clever Girl status- her name is Pam- she is an only child so I had little choice but to comply. So, Pam- you were officially Clever before it was cool. Now- to more important things- as payment for her Clever status- Pam has revealed to me her secret shopping sites- and she forgot to tell me NOT to tell anyone. So … (note to self- you must tell me to keep something in the vault if you don’t want me to share). I visited these three sites today and I must tell you … Christmas looks a lot cheerier.

My four least favorite words of the past year (I am issuing them forth for the very last time- they shall lose all their power as they leave my finger tips)- “In these economic times …” Am I right? I’m over it. It’s time for the media to allow our economy to leap forward and start its valiant upward march. While that is going on, visit the following kick ass sites-

ruelala.com, onekingslane.com and gilt.com.

These sites feature designers, vendors and boutiques with over stock (read supply chain issues) who are selling their wares on line at vastly reduced prices (read, no one has pawed, stretched, stained or added their own personal odor to the items).

There is a catch, you need to be invited- so … if you email me at soveryclevergrl@gmail.com before noon today, I will invite you (please make certain you leave your email address in the body of the email). Those who are highly discerning and looking for some fabulous must have home décor or those who are sick of the shopping drought- take comfort here. Yet another catch- you really need to log on daily because the sales only last from 24 to 72 hours.

I did attempt to become a member of gilt.com without being “invited”- and I am on a member waitlist- which is not as bad as not being able to get in at all. It’s not as if you are going to be seen standing behind the red velvet rope as you are being passed by those who don’t know what economic slowdown means. Oh, and Pam said to stay away from Louboutin if you are a size nine and a half- they are hers.

Let me regale you with some of the bargains I witnessed today. By Michael Kors on gilt.com- a cross front sleeveless black sheath dress- regular price $1695.00 now available for $498. I recommend you know your sizing in your favorite designers as it will be a hassle to return but it is an option. Gilt.com, now offers travel deals and a wait list for purchases in case they are currently unavailable.

On onekingslane, Mauviel, the cookware coveted by professionals world wide is now available for purchase by us commoners. Prices? Amazing- a 12cm cast bronze sauce pan for $69 instead of $144. These are gifts which stand alone- you needn’t purchase a full set. The gorgeous peerless copper, stainless steel and aluminum can make even the most perspicacious cook salivate upon opening their gift.

Ruelala.com was the place to be this morning for shocking prices on the Cosabella we all love to buy for ourselves or be lavished with for “no good reason”.

So … boys who hate to shop- here are three simple solutions. Clever Girls who HATE paying retail- wonderful bargains. Speaking of bargains, I just thought of the perfect man to invite …

How Late is Still- Better Late Than Never?

For any of you who are under the misapprehension I am not a Girlie Girl, you are WRONG! I’m overwhelmed with desire at times for shoes and jeans- love make-up and big hair. However, I am a Clever Girlie Girl with a sense of occasion and know there is a time and place for my alter ego to emerge. That time and that place are NEVER going to be when I am with a guy (he is not concerned with how to identify a –GASP- fake Prada handbag) or while a man is waiting on me.

Two of my “gifts” and, well, claims to fame are thus- I have a quick turn around when I use the restroom out (and actually am capable of going alone when dining with couples) and (drum roll) from the time I get in the shower to the time I leave the house is under one half hour and … this includes washing hair, drying and styling. I have logged a personal best of 24 minutes, but am willing to acknowledge on that momentous day, I already knew what I was going to wear.

Why did I mention these "gifts"? Because they matter to MEN. How do I know this? My speed in the restroom is always commented on, and the men in my life (regardless of whether they are relatives or friends) are always pleasantly surprised and thankful when I am ready to walk out the door when they arrive- or actually beat them to our meeting place.

All that “sharing” to say this- it would seem a fair amount of Clever content is common sense, which I find to be an oxymoron since sense seems not to be common anymore. Or, perhaps Clever comprises uncommon sense. Should anyone really have to tell us it is rude to accept a phone call during a date? Should we need to be reminded it is not polite to text friends throughout a family dinner with our dad and brother? If you’ve ever returned from the restroom to find your date surrounded by women- you may have only yourself to blame- HOW LONG WERE YOU IN THERE?

Being considerate of the men in your life should be common sense- but why are men different than anyone else? Well, when you keep your friends waiting, they might try on your clothes, talk to you about that upcoming date or understand because they always keep you waiting- but most men do not take that extra ten minutes in the shower to deep condition and then a few here and a few there- it all adds up to him wondering (as he's pacing your living room concerned you will miss your reservation or the beginning of the movie) how important the evening is to you.

I understand- things happen, days go south, I am just asking that you manage the balance of the evening by giving him a heads up and an apology- which translates to you having a more relaxed stretch of time to ready yourself. This simple gesture can free up space for you to bask in the excitement of your upcoming date instead of racing around and keeping him waiting only to emerge half baked and pissed off.

If circumstances have conspired to keep from being ready on time, and he is picking you up- a Clever Girl would already have ascertained what he enjoyed drinking- have it prepared for him along with the remote and know which channels are FOX, CNN and ESPN. This will buy you some time.

Invitation for Disaster

With football season upon us (thank goodness), fall swirling in the air, never is this subject going to be more relevant.

No matter what the event or who is attending, do not invite yourself. It is impolite and will put him in a position where he feels he has to let you come whether he wants you there or not.

Don’t be offended. If you give it some thought, do you want to be somewhere you are not welcome? How well would he be received by your girl friends when you meet up with them for some one-on-one time they are undoubtedly missing? Like it or not, men, as well as women, enjoy their unfettered same sex time. It is sacred.

This is a matter of being considerate all the way around- as well as it is rude to "dump" your girl friends the minute you meet a great new guy, it is rude to barge in on "guy time" unless the pleasure of your company has been specifically requested. Oh, and "I guess you can come ... if you want" is not not so much an invitation as it is a statement said with a simultaneous silent prayer you will take a hint (many men believe women who "like sports" are actually there to spy for the other wives and girlfriends who refuse to give up a Saturday or Sunday to devote to watching a game).

If one of his friends tosses out a casual offer ... "hey, you should come by" and all the color drains from your guy's face- decline gracefully- even if it means you will be on your own- this is a GREAT time to watch "Behind Enemy Lines". Sounds dismal right? WRONG! This action packed adventure features a tousled Owen Wilson at his smartest and most resourceful. Also featured in this move- one of THE ultimate Guy's Guys, Gene Hackman.

If it is too beautiful outside to sit in watching movies, a Clever Girl could head to the nicest car wash in her area and bring a copy of Car and Driver. Sit outside while your car is being maintained and know the guys who are there, don't really like watching football either- but they do like their cars so pay attention to what you are reading. If you see a particularly cute guy, take note of his car and look it up in the back of the magazine where the specs are listed. OR, if you have an iPhone, look up the car and learn as much as you can about it in case he comes anywhere near you after you get "accidental" eye contact. Ask him something about his car. How does he like it? How long has he had it?

I already told you this would not be "painless" and there is no local or general anesthetic (other than alcohol) for the anxiety you are likely to feel prior to engaging a man you've never met. View it as exercising your new skill set and have fun. Don't expect every conversation you have with a man to turn into a date- just enjoy the interaction and know you are becoming more Clever with each exchange.

All The Good Ones are Taken ... Or Divorced?

In response to an anonymous email I received last night ...

His complaint is-- all the women who are "attracted" to him are either married, separated or recently divorced. He is wondering if it is a scent he is throwing off. He did impart some critical information which will allow me to elucidate. People have long told him he was gregarious, charming and funny and he is admittedly a Quixotic romantic. Wow, what a lethal combination for a woman stagnating in a marriage, newly out of a stagnant marriage or DONE with a stagnant marriage.

Think about it- cheating is more a "symptom" of a problem in the marriage than it is a function of desire or anything else. What is considered "cheating" or "inappropriate" is the new hot debate. Just like what now determines whether you are a virgin or what is considered "sex". The myth of marriage is centered around the concept you should never again be attracted (deeply) to another person- emotionally, intellectually or physically. Further, once you marry, in theory, you will never have sex with another person again. Hmmm. That is a lot to swallow, when you break it down. Imagine being twenty and getting married. Is it really sustainable not to be attracted in any way to another person until you die? Perhaps for some.

We are all guilty of looking at grandparents and parents who have weathered the tempest of marriage for forty, fifty, sixty and even seventy years- but I bet if you could sit down with them, get them hammered, you'd learn a few things about marriage and the reality of it. After all, didn't you see Bridges of Madison Country? Perfect wife and mother reveals her true longing through letters after she is dead. This movie alone could destroy my reputation as a Guy's Girl and frankly, I was under duress at the time of viewing- too drunk to care- my gay room mate and I snuggled together- him bawling, me cynical (ok- a bit of hyperbole- I may have shed a tear).

So, to my anonymous emailer ... the women who are drawn to you are so because you are satisfying something missing in their marriage or that was missing in their marriage- you are being viewed largely as someone who can "entertain" them, fulfill them in some way and either not "threaten" their marriage (after all, what is a little harmless flirting?) or, you seem emotionally safe for a women who just exited a marriage. You are playful and fun and charming. If this is all you want, you have picked the right audience- but if you are looking for a "deeper" relationship, you might steer clear of this set as they might need some time to heal and get to know themselves again before jumping into another relationship.

For you- be honest with yourself regarding what you "want". Too many people spend too much time talking and thinking about what they "DON'T" want. If you want a girl who watches sports (because they love sports- not because they are spying on the guys), drinks beer, knows who Dan Patrick is (and cares) and isn't opposed to seeing the occasional Mafia movie- you need a Clever Girl. They are out there- there are about to be more than you know what to do with- so in the meantime- stay Charming and Chivalrous, the world needs you.

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A Guy Just Wants a Girl Who "Gets Him"

Hmmm. This is a statement- well, the crux of an email sent to me last night. It sounded great in theory, I mean, who doesn't want to be with someone who "gets them". After more thought, I realized, how can anyone get anyone else if there are no shared interests? If we simply get together and talk "at" each other and anxiously wait for the other person to finish speaking so we can redirect to something WE are interested in- how much progress have we made?

Is it possible, if a man and woman have similar experiences, they will have a more productive conversation? Most likely. Even if the shared experiences are not positive, it gives way to interesting exchanges and the possibility for growth.

Sadly, I ended up on a date with a friend- she didn't want to meet this guy alone, and their best friends thought they would really hit it off. We'd done the requisite internet stalking- he was attractive, purported a wide range of interests (most of which she categorically rejected, but we can discuss that later), and wanted to meet her (i assume he did the same internet "check" and found her perceived value to be up to par).

I imagine he was surprised to see me on his date, but he was kind enough not to make a big deal. We explained I was wasting time before meeting some other friends- blah, blah, blah- made up, lie, made up and he knew it. What became evident really quickly was neither of their best friends had ever met them because they had absolutely nothing in common. He apologized for being a few minutes late- he was packing for a trip to the deer lease. We both saw her visibly stiffen- at which point he quickly explained he wasn't a hunter, he just went to shoot his guns. GUNS?!? GUNS?!?

I closed my eyes and tried to will myself, well, anywhere. Outer Mongolia would have been splendid at this time of year. His declaration was met with great fervor, but it wasn't so much enthusiasm as the intense passion one who abhors guns would unleash. Several minutes into her diatribe, he held up his hands (i saw him mentally fast forwarding to being late without calling).

"Have you ever fired a handgun?" he asked.

"What?" Aghast. "Why would I?" And yes, she even had a hand poised at her chest.

"Well, I collect and fire them for sport, because I like to. I grew up on a lot of land, my dad and I used to shoot skeet."

"What does that have to do with me firing a hand gun?"

"I just thought if you had, you might have more perspective than a bunch of pre-digested rhetoric you heard on CNN."

CNN? CNN?

"You are taking a lot for granted!"

"No. You are. There is very little risk associated with the sport of shooting."

"Tell that to Dick Cheney!"

"They were hunting. I already said I don't hunt." He threw me an exhausted gaze that clearly said, "can i go now?". I nodded. He got up, thanked us both for meeting him, said he needed to finish packing and left an appalled girl staring after him.

"He left? He left? Why did he leave? Obviously has a problem with strong women!" I grimaced.

I know her and know most of what she said was someone else's rhetoric. Her mother's. That isn't the point, however. I see two major errors here.

1) No arguing. Especially not on a first date. No place really on any date. A spirited debate is one thing- an all out lecture is not acceptable. I can't think of anyone who appreciates being told their hobbies or interests are wrong, or unethical (unless they are illegal), or a waste of time. Even in a debate, you need to be open to the other person's opinions and give those opinions the courtesy of weight. If you are not interested in what HE (who ever HE is) has to say, why are you in a conversation anyway- or worse yet, on a date?

2) He had a valid point. How can you emphatically reject something you have never done, tried or experienced hands on? You never know. So, my point is ... all that to say this-

How can a girl "get" a guy, if she has never invested in any of his interests- or any male interests at all? How can any two people have a reasonable interaction if they have no intersecting points?

So, I invited my friend to go shooting with me the next day- which she declined, after training an eye upon me as if I'd asked her to visit a crack house in downtown Detroit. It's fun, I told her. Crack house. You might like it. Crack house. He seemed like a nice guy. Crack house.

Unwilling to experience new things. I wasn't excited to shoot a hand gun myself, but as soon as I did- I was hooked. It could happen to you.

At this point, women reading this blog may feel a little persecuted, as if I have a "male" agenda. I deny any such agenda. My AGENDA is clear. I want to empower women- to give them enough confidence to try new things (which they might not enjoy, but at least they tried- and imparting the effort gives them perspective for a debate or even material to engage the ultra hot guy at the gym who reads "Handgunner" on the treadmill). Sometimes, if you know a little bit about a subject, it's less intimidating to try for the first time.

I promise, any girl can unload her moniker "buzz kill" (and yes, they call you that behind your back) and become the cool chick who is INVITED to watch a game with the guys. I know, you don't WANT to watch the game- you HATE football. But do you? Do you really hate it? If so, why? Have you seen TOM BRADY?!?

Let's break old habits and records of the past and start anew. All you have to do is try ...

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